Boyfriend still on dating website

LegacyUser

Am with my boyfriend 8 months now. Everything appears to be going very well. We spend plenty of time together. He is very attentive, always in touch. Long ago we had the exclusive chat.

However we met online and a friend of mine said to me she has noticed he is often online. I can't understand why he would be doing this as he does seem very happy with me.

It is worrying me. He has also never told me he loves me. If you loved someone would be still be active on a dating site?

Should I be worried I am only Missus Right Now until he finds someone better? or maybe he does not actually feel the same way I do.

I don't even know how to bring it up with him?

Tokyo

OP,

I think a lot of it depends on what exactly you mean by "active" on a dating site? If he's actively chatting to girls on this site, lying on his profile, arranging dates and whatnot, then this is obviously an immediate dealbreaker. If he's just browsing it now and again, it might be worth talking to him.

While personally I wouldn't see the need to browse dating sites myself if I were in a committed relationship, he may not see it as being an issue - after all, me met you there, and may well have gotten in the habit of checking his profile now and again without putting too much thought into it. Or of course it could be something more fishy, but the fact is first of all you are dealing with secondhand information, and second, there are quite a few explanations for what your friend may or may not have seen.

The obvious thing to do here is talk with your boyfriend. You don't need to come out guns blazing, but tell him that your friend noticed that he'd been online lately and gauge his reaction. Only then can you decide whether this is something that you need to worry about. Either way, it's a good opportunity to discuss with each other what your boundaries are in the relationship, and for you to tell him what you aren't comfortable with.

retro:electro

IMO after 8 months together and no word of I love you alarm bells would be ringing

LegacyUser

I have no idea if he is chatting or arranging dates. I seriously hope not as he really seems very interested in me.

However this greatly upsets me. For all I know he could be going on dates & it does bother me I have never heard the love word.

My friend says that the profile is showing as online now regularly.

Tokyo

You sure that your friend isn't stirring the pot just a little here? She seems to be taking a certain amount of pleasure out of telling you all of this. Again, we can speculate all you want, but really it comes down to talking to your boyfriend and seeing what he says.

trancemuzic

Don't listen to your "friend " listen to your heart , unless YOU are actually your friend and you are also still on the dating site ?

Set up a fake profile and call yourself big momma , get make up to make yourself look like a big black lady and start talking to him , arrange a date and if he agrees take him to a nice restaurant , and just before he takes his first bite of his stake sandwich take off the wig and fake boobs and scream at him " surprise mother****er "

Please record it and post the video here

Tokyo

tranzemuzic, - I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with your post, but the PI/RI forums are here to help members talk out their problems and receive advice, not a place for childish comments or for your entertainment. Please read the forum charter, and if you can't post maturely and constructively, consider not posting at all. Further posts along these lines will result in infractions or a forum ban.

Regards,
Mike

December2012

Just straight up ask him.

CaraMay

I wouldn't be comfortable with it and itß good that your friend is looking after your back here.

It's a major red flag that he is online do much this far into a relationship. You need to talk to him but tbh this combined with the lack of 'I love you' would raise very big concerns for me. Go with your gut.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for replies.

My friend is definitely not being malicious. She is just watching out for me.

I guess if I had not known about him being online on the dating site I would not be so worried about him not telling me he loves me. The 2 combined have me very worried though.

The strange thing is that he certainly acts like he loves me and shows it to me all the time. I have met all the family and friends. He talks about plans for us thoughout the coming year but not much beyond that. I don't want to be just an option though. I certainly don't feel the need to browse dating sites.

I do need to bring it up, I'm just not sure how. I guess I am scared he is just not that into me even if his actions say different.

m'lady

You really are better off finding out before you invest too much time and effort into this guy. Is he on the same site that you met him on?

Also if it's an app he is using could it be logging him in and he's not aware?

CaraMay

I don't think asking him is going to get you far. I know you have to ask but be prepared to be even more confused afterwards as there is really no explanation which could truly satisfy you.

December2012

All you do is say "x saw your profile on website is active and recently used". And see what he says.

Merkin

If it was me personally I'd say nothing for now, set up a fake profile myself (or preferably get my friend to do it) and send him a message. Sly? Yes. Underhand? Absolutely. But if he is up to no good I'm not so sure you'll get a straight answer so I'd be going down the entrapment route.

If I was absolutely sure of someone I'd advise against this but if you're unsure then I think it's your only option.

Your other option is to sit him down face-to-face and ask directly: "Are you still using dating websites?"

He may possibly just be constantly logged in from a device and not know about it. He may be chatting to lots of girls and keeping his options wide open. I think some people on dating sites (guys and girls) get a buzz from all the attention). Goodness only knows - there are a plethora of possible scenarios so you go about uncovering the truth in a clandestine and covert way (and probably find out one way or another) or you ask him out straight (and take a gamble on knowing the truth).

Hope it works out for you.

Magicmatilda

I used to go out with a guy. We were together 1.5 years. Had been on holidays and weekends away. I had met his family, many times, he had met mine. I found out he was on dating websites. I was devastated. I just could not for the life of me understand why he would be on there if not looking to date others, or at least flirt with them.

Anyway I broke up with him. He said he was bored one day and activated an old account. I ended up taking him back. Though I never fully trusted again and my intuition was screaming at me. After about a month or so, I checked his computer (at this stage in my head we were over, once you start snooping, it is, in my book). I found that he had been cheating on me for a long time with a few women.

I was heart broken. Now this may not be the case with your guy. But I still don't think there is any excuse for anyone in a committed relationship to be active on dating sites. It is being dishonest with their partner and with the girls they chat to online. I think you should get a friend to set up a profile and interact and see what happens. I don;t think you should do this yourself and it may not go well and it would be better to be slightly removed from it. Ultimately though he may not give you the truth if you just ask. On that point if he makes you feel so loved why do you not feel comfortable asking him about this? You should be able to talk about anything.

sunshine and showers

OP, do you love him? Have you told him?

apieceofcake

Hi, I hope it does work out for you, but tbh it's not looking great.

I went through a similar thing with my ex and discovered he was back on the site we had originally met on. (this is after meeting his parents, sisters, cousins...the works) If he is serious about you, he will be staying off the site and resisting the temptation to be logging in all the time looking for new messages.

It's better you know now what the story is... I would ask him outright - but speaking from experience, be prepared for denials.

You sound like a nice person and deserve better if that is his game.

Take care

such is life 2

id be saying look ted, were together 8 months or so and it came to my attention that your logged into the online dating site, i just want to know whats the craic here with that, i like you and all and your very good ....(and all that jazz but it seems weird ,and that if you were happy with me than why would you be logged on ? kinda on my mind the past while ?.....see what his response is then.

Linka

OPhereagain wrote: »

I guess I am scared he is just not that into me even if his actions say different.

You need to find this out for yourself, whether that means ironing out the misunderstanding or moving on. Though as previously said, no I love you's yet has alarm bells ringing for me. Coupled with what looks like he's still using the site, well it's enough for anyone to wonder what is going on. I didn't think I'd be the one to say this, but I think what Merkin said about setting up a profile might be the way to go. I'm not sure how honest he'd be with you about it.

chrysagon

hes keeping options open it seems...sorry

Dellnum

He could be just browsing this site for amusement and thanking his lucky stars that he has you. It doesn't mean because he is on it that he is looking for someone new. He is just keeping his profile up there so that he can access the site any time he feels like it because if he deleted his profile he probably would not be able to do that. Maybe he is not one hundred per cent sure about you just yet. I would not jump to conclusions though. If he wanted to break up with you he would. So there must be something there.

All you can do is take him at face value. If he treats you well then just appreciate that. I would forget about this dating site, all that will fizzle out eventually. No point in looking for trouble when he acts like he is enjoying the relationship with you.

marie12

Does it automatically look like he's online because he has the app on his phone? It could be something innocent. Also there isn't a time frame on when someone says i love you.
Maybe chat about how you met online and see how that goes.
Were you happy out until your friend opened her mouth? Was the i love you issue on your mind before then ?

Lone Stone

Make a fake profile and send him a mail

zozo339

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Not suggesting he's doing/done anything mind! It may just be as someone had said, he got into the habit of checking it..but again, I would've taken myself off the website if I was in a supposedly happy relationship, or even in one at all because it's supposed to be a committed relationship where no other person/people are involved...I'd either create a fake profile and either catch him out or not, or ask him/confront him straight up saying so and so has seen your profile (don't have to mention names) what is going on? Then note his reaction and go from there..a cheater will try and cover their reaction (well anyone who's guilty as you probably know) and yourl be able to easily see that! Sometimes people don't realise how obvious they're being because they're all too caught up and therefore don't think about the tiny details which could get them caught..if it's all innocent, make sure you voice the fact you're not happy with it whatsoever and that he needs to respect that, understandably for that matter! And if he has a problem, then make sure to turn the situation around and ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same and got "caught out" or whatever you would call it. because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be happy with it.

I really hope this had helped!

PinkCat86

he sounds too faced!!!