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cant think what to do

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  • 29-04-2014 8:16pm
    #1
    worn out mum
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    hi I need some help . I have a bad relationship we argue every day and he never respects me , he can bully the kids , is controlling and has OCD issues , acts like a child and takes up hours of my time talking on and on and on about himself till I want to scream.
    I met him when I was 20 and he was 32 he was already a alcoholic and ex drug user by that time but never told me when we met. He is now in AA but not much changed.
    We had a family , he treated us pretty much like **** , drinking every day for over 20 years . I hit 40 my head changed i wanted OUT and we have lived seperate lives for over 4 years in many ways , 15 months ago I asked him to leave our council house as i avoid him all the time , and dont love him at all . Instead he moved into the family sitting room and slept there for over a year !!!!!!!!!!!! Finally I said I was moving out so he rushed down and took his name off the tenancy in January ... its now May almost and he has looked at 2 flats and basically refuses to leave , Instead he pushes for me and the kids to move out even though all the rentals I see are bad and this house could be okay for us if he left. I got a womens advocate who helped me get permission to leave but i have only seen one house in budget and meanwhile he sits there sulking making demands like how he wants the boy children even tho he never ever has taken then out except to Aldi and the grave of his mom. I feel like I am goin INSANE I dont know do I take a ****ty house just to get away or do I force him out ? He sits there moody and depressed and trys control me all time . Please help me what should I do?
    All he ever says when I ask him to go is that all he wants is whats best for me , that I " cant " manage the kids if he goes ( I CAN ) and that he just cares and wants us living in private rental . Its like talking to a empty chair even his AA sponsor asks why he wont go and he makes excuses all the time


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    #2
    ahnow
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    By taking his name off of the tenancy does that mean that he technically has no right to live there anymore?
    If that is the case you could give him notice to move out within a specified time frame.
    Have it organised so that by the time that date comes around his bags are packed, and you have family members, or some male friends with you to assist him moving out from the house if needs be. Have a locksmith ready and available to change the locks if you think this will be an issue.


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    #3
    worn out mum
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭worn out mum


    yeah he took his name off but he has the right to change his mind for a year , no idea why


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    #4
    worn out mum
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭worn out mum


    He still gets money paid to him for us a family when we are not even sleeping in same room


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    #5
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    worn out mum. wrote:
    I feel like I am goin INSANE I dont know do I take a ****ty house just to get away

    YES


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    #6
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    worn out mum wrote: »
    He still gets money paid to him for us a family when we are not even sleeping in same room

    How does that work OP? He's claiming for you all and gives you money?

    I think you need to go and make your own claim. Tell the social that your ex is going to be moving out, and that you've asked him to leave repeatedly. They won't want him to be claiming for you fraudulently, now will they?

    Also, do you cook for him and wash his clothes? Stop. Let him pile up a big heap of washing, and give him a plate, bowl, knife/fork/spoon to use. Do you use the sitting room now he's living in it? Stop. Move the telly. Are there proactive things you can do? Tell him that as far as you're concerned, he's moved out already, and that you're making sure he knows it.


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    #7
    Bafucin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Bafucin


    If you report him and he gets cut off you might never get rid of him as he then has no income.

    Get him out of the house for a while pack his things and leave them at his house or on the damn lawn.

    Arrange a flat for him and pay the first months rent. Tell him he can take it or leave it.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I was in a similar situation with a "DRY drunk".. untreated alcoholism.. he needs to get treated and you need to stop enabling him...

    You are doing each other more harm than help.... he needs to take responsibility for his life and so do you... go to al-non they will help you get back your sanity and self esteem.... they will empower you to change... all the practicalities will then be sorted.. your mental health is first and foremost at the minute... no point in wanting him to change if you cannot do the same yourself.. sorry to be cruel.. but you need to be cruel to be kind.. i learned that the hard way...

    he will not change.. he has to want to.. his path is not yours..

    wish you all the best.. you get yourself some help.. he will follow suit if he cares enough.

    mind yourself x


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