Girlfriend Scared of Sex?

storysham

First time poster, so I'm sorry if I'm posting on subject matter that has been covered before.

Right, I'm 23, my girlfriend is 21.
It's the first relationship either of us have had. I've had sex before but she hasn't (I say this, but I'm definitely no expert)
We've been dating for 6 months now and I have to say, the frustration is hitting crazy levels.

She is very uncomfortable with the idea of sex. She's even uncomfortable with the idea of my penis. She's touched it a grand total of once and really didn't care for it. Ironically though, she's quite comfortable with getting on top during make-out sessions and even likes grinding or dry-humping.
She's awkward about the idea of me going down on her but up to that point she's ok with everything. She actually really enjoys what we do. She's just said that it's a fear of the unknown kind of thing.

To sum up the problem I suppose, she doesn't have any curiosity. No sexual identity of her own. She enjoys it and has said as much, but she just won't ever explore for herself. Everything we've done has been my idea and I've had to warm her up to it first.
I don't really have a problem with waiting. I really care for her. But the prospect of being the only one who actively tries to progress our sex lives is a serious drag and incredibly frustrating and this whole thing makes me feel that I'll be waiting for years.

She hasn't been able to say if there's anything I can do to help. It's gotten to a point now where I'm questioning whether I want to stay with her. I love her, but every time I see her, it just results in me walking away completely unsatisfied.

Any help or advice on this would be appreciated. Am I just spinning my wheels here or is there any actual hope of her somehow coming around.

Obliq

OP, she sounds like she probably never has explored her own sexuality very much. Have you tried asking her if she started physically exploring her own body when she was younger, through masturbation? This all sounds so new to her that she honestly doesn't sound like a typical (whatever that is..) 21 year old, who has had sexual fantasies and has become assured that certain things turn her on (like fantasising about an erect penis, for example). I'd say you might have to make a delicate approach to helping her think about/learn what she likes, so that you can both discover more about how you can turn each other on. If she isn't willing to approach the subject, then tbh, you might have a long wait for her to start wanting more under her own steam....

And what you've said isn't unreasonable by the way.

storysham

Obliq wrote: »

OP, she sounds like she probably never has explored her own sexuality very much. Have you tried asking her if she started physically exploring her own body when she was younger, through masturbation?

She is completely new to this. The first orgasm she ever had, I gave her about 3 weeks ago.
She's never masturbated or even really explored at all.
I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I can do to inspire a bit of curiosity in her...

Obliq

storysham wrote: »

She is completely new to this. The first orgasm she ever had, I gave her about 3 weeks ago.
She's never masturbated or even really explored at all.
I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I can do to inspire a bit of curiosity in her...

Um...keep giving her orgasms?! And ask her if she liked the way it made her feel. OP, you're on the right track, clearly, but you're not going to get a sex life that suits you overnight. If this is all totally new, she's doing really well to be able to come with you. Well done to you both, really...

I'm not sure what you should do, regarding your own sex-drive. Your gf is definitely not in a position to even know where to start touching you, never mind satisfyingly. I mean, for fear of her actually developing a complex about how naive she is sexually, you don't want to be indicating to her how much more you want than she is offering. I can only suggest that you tell her she needs an education in being orgasmic! And go about helping her in her training...:D

At the same time, I'd suggest that you tell her and show her a lot of how much she turns you on, so maybe masturbate with her? I know this isn't what you expected from a sex-life at 23, but stick with it a bit and treat it as a different (but not necessarily worse) way of exploring both your and her openness about being sexual together....Imagine that - you gave her a first ever orgasm! You could work on more firsts, with patience...

storysham

Well this is it.
We've been working at this for 6 months.
Progress has always been slow but has recently just stopped.
The underwear isn't allowed to come off any more because it's basically the last barrier between her and sex.
Like she somehow has to defend herself from me.
I'm not gonna lie. While I enjoy all of the games and making her feel good, I really don't enjoy that I, or rather parts of me, scare her.
That goes beyond the realm of frustration and into hurtful.

Obliq

storysham wrote: »

Like she somehow has to defend herself from me.

Don't tell her this bit.

While I enjoy all of the games and making her feel good, I really don't enjoy that I, or rather parts of me, scare her.
That goes beyond the realm of frustration and into hurtful.

Do tell her this. She will have to hear from someone, sometime, that she will either have to work on her fears or risk frustrating her lovers to the extent that they are hurt by the constant rejection. 6 months - you gave it a good go, and you've reached a crisis point. Sorry for ya here.

Ps. Did you ask her why progress has stopped, or do you silently resign yourself to her not making any effort?

LegacyUser

This could have been a description of me when I first got into a sexual relationship.

I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of sex, sexual acts or foreplay. The thought of touching myself or another person terrified me. For some reason I thought it was wrong to do such things and when I attempted to do them I would be wracked with guilt and disgust.

Thankfully my partner was patient, we started off slowly and we talked about my feelings every step of the way. It took a long, long time to get to a point where most people would get to in a matter of weeks.

I would recommend exploring her feelings around the prospect of getting intimate. I see that another person has recommended mutual masturbation but from personal experience this might be a step too far. Lying with each and slowly exploring each others bodies at a pace that she is happy with might be more appropriate.

LegacyUser

Hey OP. I'm a regular poster but going unreg for this one...

I totally understand your frustration. I'm in a sexless relationship at the moment, and it's awful. Well, the sex part is awful, the rest of it great. But sex for me is a big big part of any relationship, t's what elevates us from being friends to being partners.

Anyway, long story short, my girlfriend was abused as a kid. Sex is terrifying for her, and sometimes me just mentioning it is too much. She also doesn't really have any desire whatsoever for sex right now, it just doesn't enter her head as an activity she wants anything to do with. I "look after" myself a lot, but yeah, it's not ideal. But what you're writing has struck a big chord with me- is there any chance that something similar has happened to your girlfriend? I'm not saying ask her straight out "were you abused", but maybe take some time and read about it online. It might be the case that she's just realising now what's happened, and your activities together are triggering this response. Oddly, the more secure a survivor is in their relationship, the more likely these sexual issues are likely to come up, and the less frequent sex is- its because she finally trusts you. Which sounds completely arseways, but it seems to be true!

A final word. Supporting a survivor of abuse is a long, hard task. If you don't tink your feelings for this girl are 100%, or if the lack of sex is a deal breaker, get out now, for both your sakes. If I had known how difficult it was... well. I won't go there, because I love my girlfirend deeply. But think about it.

storysham

Obliq wrote: »

Did you ask her why progress has stopped, or do you silently resign yourself to her not making any effort?

Well she was never the driving force. I was always the reason progress was happening. She was just allowing it to happen. As for why, well she's just said that she's uncomfortable. Personally I think it's just because she can't just allow things to hapen any more. Action on her part is required and I suppose action implies risk somehow.

To quote similarexperience
I would recommend exploring her feelings around the prospect of getting intimate. I see that another person has recommended mutual masturbation but from personal experience this might be a step too far. Lying with each and slowly exploring each others bodies at a pace that she is happy with might be more appropriate.

We've done this. She doesn't like touching me. Which again, is hurtful. She's fine with cuddling etc. but apparently I have some form of mutation in the pants region.

To add furter complication to things, she'll be moving soon. Our relationship will have to go long-distance. She'll still be in the country but it'll probably be a weekend deal. This means that whatever time is needed to progress will be spread out. Truth be told, if it comes to that, I don't think we'll survive it.

danslevent

I know maybe this seems a but drastic but maybe she just needs to relax, a glass of wine or too always helps with that. She is just scared maybe?

Obliq

storysham wrote: »

We've done this. She doesn't like touching me. Which again, is hurtful. She's fine with cuddling etc. but apparently I have some form of mutation in the pants region.

To add furter complication to things, she'll be moving soon. Our relationship will have to go long-distance. She'll still be in the country but it'll probably be a weekend deal. This means that whatever time is needed to progress will be spread out. Truth be told, if it comes to that, I don't think we'll survive it.

Doesn't sound like you will OP. TBH, you're sounding a little bitter and hurt that she's not turned on by your body, which is completely understandable at 23, and this feeling is probably becoming a bit damaging for you. Just to be clear, you know that you have no mutation in the pants department, but that you are feeling hurt by your gf's lack of interest? That's fine and understandable.

midlandsmissus

It's just complete lack of experience. I didn't have sex until I was 22, and having never seen a penis before I was also scared! Its just complete lack of development in this area. But once she gets introduced she will be fine. The hugely important thing is to communicate what you think because sometimes people don't realise the effect they are having. Uou should tell her if you feel rejected, and she needs to tell you exactly how she feels. And you can tell her you will respect her and help her explore in a safe way for her, at a pace she is happy with. Good luck op.

storysham

Obliq wrote: »

Doesn't sound like you will OP. TBH, you're sounding a little bitter and hurt that she's not turned on by your body, which is completely understandable at 23, and this feeling is probably becoming a bit damaging for you. Just to be clear, you know that you have no mutation in the pants department, but that you are feeling hurt by your gf's lack of interest? That's fine and understandable.

I was afraid of becoming bitter over the whole thing. I don't want it to be like that.
I suppose a talk is in order but I'm afraid of hurting her.

baby and crumble

storysham wrote: »

I was afraid of becoming bitter over the whole thing. I don't want it to be like that.
I suppose a talk is in order but I'm afraid of hurting her.

Thing is, part of a mature, mutual relationship is talking about issues making you unhappy. This is, and it's only fair to both of you that you talk about it. Couple of suggestions:

1) Have the discussion somewhere neutral (i.e. not the bedroom)
2) Don't have the discussion when you've just tried to be intimate or are heading that way. Keep it neutral.
3) Focus on how you're feeling, and how the situation is impacting upon your relationship, and on you both as a couple. Don't blame, this is nobodies fault.
4) She probably will be hurt, because you're not totally happy in your relationship. That's tough to hear, but necessary.
5) Finally, don't let yourself get angry, or guilt-tripped either.

Good luck.

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

Thing is, part of a mature, mutual relationship is talking about issues making you unhappy. This is, and it's only fair to both of you that you talk about it. Couple of suggestions:

1) Have the discussion somewhere neutral (i.e. not the bedroom)
2) Don't have the discussion when you've just tried to be intimate or are heading that way. Keep it neutral.
3) Focus on how you're feeling, and how the situation is impacting upon your relationship, and on you both as a couple. Don't blame, this is nobodies fault.
4) She probably will be hurt, because you're not totally happy in your relationship. That's tough to hear, but necessary.
5) Finally, don't let yourself get angry, or guilt-tripped either.

Good luck.

Best advice ever. Stick with this and you won't go wrong, whatever the outcome.

Best of luck.

Tramps Like Us

My advice would to break up with her especially if its going long distance

LegacyUser

Has she been abused?

storysham QUOTE
'Like she somehow has to defend herself from me.'

Ok I am going to say this. If she was abused. That **** is real. More real than relationship ****. If she is unable to enjoy sex you are perfectly within your rights and for her sake too , to move on. Certain posters have said that you should not tell her that is saddens you that parts of your body upset her. I would say you should be completely open about it. If you are completely open about your feelings it might help her to be. But suggest counseling for her.

Another thing.
Is she certain she is straight?

The only thing I can suggest is going to sound crazy. On a night you are NOT going to have sex both of you get naked ....watch tv....do totally non sexual things...sort of like naturism...it might help her feel more at ease with your body.

If you can't overcome this don't feel bad if this relationship is not for you. It's ok to move for both of you.

Not having masturbated etc is unusual. If it is just that she has a low libido perhaps that's it.

storysham

binnybunny wrote: »

Has she been abused?

storysham QUOTE
'Like she somehow has to defend herself from me.'

Ok I am going to say this. If she was abused. That **** is real. More real than relationship ****. If she is unable to enjoy sex you are perfectly within your rights and for her sake too , to move on. Certain posters have said that you should not tell her that is saddens you that parts of your body upset her. I would say you should be completely open about it. If you are completely open about your feelings it might help her to be. But suggest counseling for her.

Another thing.
Is she certain she is straight?

The only thing I can suggest is going to sound crazy. On a night you are NOT going to have sex both of you get naked ....watch tv....do totally non sexual things...sort of like naturism...it might help her feel more at ease with your body.

If you can't overcome this don't feel bad if this relationship is not for you. It's ok to move for both of you.

Not having masturbated etc is unusual. If it is just that she has a low libido perhaps that's it.

Given what I know of her, her attitudes and personality etc. I think abuse is unlikely.
However, I will be treading gently, as though it may be the case.
We'll have a talk soon (I'm away at the moment) and if nothing serious comes to the surfcace I'll be trying some of the above, including her sexuality. (This too, I'm doubtful of because of how she behaves with me but whatever, I'm open to many possibilities)
Thank you for all of your advice everyone.

_Whimsical_

storysham wrote: »

Given what I know of her, her attitudes and personality etc. I think abuse is unlikely.
However, I will be treading gently, as though it may be the case.
We'll have a talk soon (I'm away at the moment) and if nothing serious comes to the surfcace I'll be trying some of the above, including her sexuality. (This too, I'm doubtful of because of how she behaves with me but whatever, I'm open to many possibilities)
Thank you for all of your advice everyone.

OP I think you really need to be careful here. She is 21 and this is her first serious sexual relationship. There are lots of reasons that she might not feel ready for sex that are completely normal. People develop at their own paces,people attach different meanings to sex and to taking that step in a relationship. Being 21 and not ready is not a psychological issue. I would under no circumstance ask her if she's gay, been abused or suggest she get counselling. I think you risk leaving her feeling weird or stigmatised,or even worse, of feeling guilty for her own natural feelings and stage in development and then having sex just to please you. None if those things are the basis for a healthy sex life with you or indeed a healthy start to her future sex life.

You say you've been the one in the driving seat so far and that she's shown no curiosity about sex with you. It's possible if this is the case that she feels pressured or that things are moving too fast for her.It sounds like she's not getting time to develop her curiosity or her confidence to explore intimacy with you without worrying you're going to want more than she's ready for. You say you feel she's defending herself against you. That in itself,just the feeling on your part,is a sign to back off a bit not a sign to up the ante .

You could tell her about her not wanting sex now feels like a rejection of you but I would ask myself first if verbal and affectionate reassurance that this isn't the case is enough for you in response. If the ideal response is her saying "oh ok,well then I'll have sex with you" then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

You have two choices really. Either you decide to walk away because you need something she can't give you and that's totally fair and valid or you decide to stick it out with her and go at her pace,and that might mean putting sex on the back burner. Deciding to try and encourage her to hurry up with it isn't really an option in my opinion though.

storysham

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I would under no circumstance ask her if she's gay, been abused or suggest she get counselling.
If the ideal response is her saying "oh ok,well then I'll have sex with you" then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

Thanks for the response but in all fairness, I'm not an idiot.
I won't be trying to put her into any categories or boxes.
What I want out of this isn't a quick ****. I want a partner, and at the moment, the continuous rejection and the lack of enthusiasm makes me feel like we're on different levels, wanting different things, which I would equate to not having a partner.
A large part of my problem is that I don't know what the hell is happening in her head. Communication on this has been poor.
I'll be asking her what's going on in her head with respect to this whole thing.
Either she tells me something she hasn't already or she doesn't.
The former might be something we can work with.
The latter kind of suggests that yes, it is time to part ways.