Serious Issues with Commitment

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this......

So i've been seeing a girl for 2.5 months now and she's touched on the subject of us commiting and being official once or twice. In this time I've kissed other girls and recently been on a couple of dates with another girl I really like too. I havent told either girl about the other and when asked (by the 1st girl) have I seen anyone else I paniced and said no.

Then this weekend she brought it up in a big way. I told her I wasnt sure and didnt think i was ready to commit. Again last night she rang an asked me to commit and I told her the same. She got quite annoyed with me and essentially asked me why I wouldnt just give her a chance and if i wanted to just "go off and ride other girls" to just tell her. I told her i wasnt going to commit now and then decide down the line while already in a relationship if i wanted to stay with her.

The thing is i do care about her but at the same time still find myself attracted to other girls. As horrible as it may sound i think the newer girl is better looking. Its definitely a case of having my cake and wanting to eat it too.

Both girls represent different things i want, neither offers everything i want. I know I cant continue to see both (and the 2nd girl might not even last as its still early days) but i've developed an emotional attachment to the 1st girl and am finding it hard to make a decision to either commit or end things.

I've dated girls for the last couple of years but never for longer than 1-2 months for one reason or another. I found it alot easier to end things with them (or as it happened with one or 2 they just fizzled). I guess I've had a list of things i wanted out of a relationship/girl and these girls havent checked enough boxes.

In the back of my mind I know i'm going to go travelling in the next 12-18 months so thats making me hesitant but the 1st girl knows this and wants us to be boyf/girlf until I want to leave and then either end things or do long distance. (She has a kid so she couldnt come with)

Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

Penny Tration

Break up with girl 1. You don't want the same things, so it'd be pretty selfish to stay with her and ignore the fact that she wants exclusivity.

Just a quick point - nobody in this world is going to tick every box you have on your mental checklist. Everybody has flaws, nobody is perfect. The imperfections we all have are what make us human.

beks101

Don't tell her you're "not looking for anything serious with anyone right now" or anything along those lines, as I'm sure you've considered.

I've had a guy or two say this to me over the years only to next-to-immediately jump into a relationship with someone new, leaving me feeling like an inadequate pile of misery and insecurity.

Any time I've met someone and felt the way you're feeling, I've simply been honest because it's what I would hope for in return. Tell her you really enjoy her company and do have feelings for her, but that you can't give her what she's looking for and are not in a position to commit. End of. Tell her if she can deal with that and is happy to continue to date casually, then great, but if not, you totally understand and will respect her decision to walk away.

Don't let her draw you on any of these things and don't do any "maybe down the line" / "you never know" blah blah blah - as she'll use those vague promises as reasons to stick with you and hope you'll change your mind.

Just be honest, plain and simple - I'm not on the same page as you, this isn't going to become a relationship. If you spell it all out now in no vague or ambiguous terms you can't be accused of being an as5hole or leading her on down the line.

Magicmatilda

Whatever way you feel about commintment is no excuse to lie to someone. What will you do when she wants you to meet the child - go ahead stringing her and the kid along.

Its simple - you tell her that you like her and enjoy her company but you do not want to commit and would rather be open to exploring other options and seeing other people. After that it is her decision if she wants to stay or not. Equally you should be honest with the other girl.

I really donlt know what you are expecting here because you actually know what you should do but you just seem to just not care really. Also you should note that commitment does not mean beng attracted to others - we will always be attracted to others. Committment means having the self control not to act on it.

Merkin

commitmentshy wrote: »

Both girls represent different things i want, neither offers everything i want. I know I cant continue to see both (and the 2nd girl might not even last as its still early days) but i've developed an emotional attachment to the 1st girl and am finding it hard to make a decision to either commit or end things.

Read the bit in bold again. You have your answer here and while you may be very fond of girl A, she is evidently way more invested in this than you are and for that reason you have to stop stringing her along procrastinating. You've been scoring other girls and dating other people so you obviously have no interest in committing. She has laid her cards on the table and in the interest of fairness you have to sever ties with her, decision time is truly here, so you need to do the decent thing. You have an emotional connection but that is something you're going to have to sacrifice in order to do the decent thing and treat her respectfully and fairly.

Girl B also doesn't offer you what you want so if you feel like that now I don't know if I'd continue with thy dalliance either.

It is perfectly ok not to want to commit until you meet the right person and until such time as you're good and ready. It is NOT ok to have people waiting around in false hope that you may be serious about them when you're clearly not.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments so far.

I understand that the right thing here is probably to end things and let her go. I suppose the reason i'm having difficulty doing it is that i do have genuine strong feelings for her and in terms of 'ticking the boxes' she's the only one recently thats come close. (Its nearly 6 years since my last significant relationship) She's already asked what she has to do/change to get me to commit and that just made me feel horrible.

Is it stupid of me to think I should just try it and see if my fears/doubts go away?

For comments relating to the kid - that subject was discussed early on and we both agreed to keep things seperate. i.e I wouldnt be getting involved in the kids life and any relationship would be between me and her. The most she wants is for me to meet the kid down the line.

Though it does form part of the hesitation - no weekends away together, no summer/sun holidays, limited time/days that can be spent together, the ex(father) constantly on the scene, not sure my family would react favourably, and the fact that I'd love to travel with a significant other which cant happen.

Obliq

commitmentshy wrote: »

She got quite annoyed with me and essentially asked me why I wouldnt just give her a chance and if i wanted to just "go off and ride other girls" to just tell her. I told her i wasnt going to commit now and then decide down the line while already in a relationship if i wanted to stay with her..

Essentially, she has asked a straight question and deserves a straight answer. From what you've said, you MAY want to "go off and ride other girls", so the honest thing to do would be to let this girl off the hook. She seems to care about you and would like to be exclusively with you, so won't want to be wasting her time hanging about for your decision. It smacks of a sense of entitlement gone awry tbh, to think that you can postpone giving her an answer on this....not an attractive trait IMO.

commitmentshy wrote: »

I understand that the right thing here is probably to end things and let her go. I suppose the reason i'm having difficulty doing it is that i do have genuine strong feelings for her and in terms of 'ticking the boxes' she's the only one recently thats come close. (Its nearly 6 years since my last significant relationship) She's already asked what she has to do/change to get me to commit and that just made me feel horrible.

Is it stupid of me to think I should just try it and see if my fears/doubts go away?

She asked you straight out what you think is missing in this relationship that you don't feel you can commit to her? The least you can do is examine your feelings and come to a decision, as 'ticking boxes' doesn't really cut the mustard. You don't sound keen on a LTR with this girl and as I recall, you said the other girl is more attractive. OP, sh1t, or get off the pot. Do the right thing by her, and fast, and worry about whether it's right for you later. You're only stringing her along here.

Edit: To be fair though, it's ok to not want to commit. It's just not ok to continue a relationship when you don't want to commit, but where she's told you she needs that to happen or you to break up. This may be a novel idea, but have you tried telling her you have fears/doubts and don't know if it's ok to just try for a while longer and see what happens? She may have a problem with that, or may not.....

beks101

commitmentshy wrote: »

Is it stupid of me to think I should just try it and see if my fears/doubts go away?

Not so much stupid as selfish and completely inconsiderate of her feelings, as it essentially boils down to stringing her along while you wait for what exactly? Some magical BAM! moment where she does or says something that makes you suddenly want to be with no-one else but her exclusively?

I think you'd be kidding yourself and head fcuking her if you decided to do that. Imagine yourself in her position. You meet someone you really like, as time goes by you get more and more attracted to her and become convinced you want this person in your life and no-one else. Meanwhile they're hmming and hawing, not expressing the same enthusiasm but not outright saying 'no' either, so your feelings are so engaged that you stick around thinking it must be a good sign, maybe they just need more time...

It's not fair man. You know that. I've been that girl and I've been 'you' too and my feelings never changed - you either want to be with someone or you don't. You either feel that instinctively or you don't.

All this "tick the boxes" business makes me feel uncomfortable too to be quite frank. We're talking about another human being here, not a job, not something static and one-dimensional where drawing up a 'pros' and 'cons' list is a good basis on which to make a decision. I'm all for knowing yourself and what your deal-breakers are - but as long as you're looking for some perfectly packaged babe who fits some depressingly analytical list of must-haves you've pre-determined, you're continuing to shut yourself off to commitment with ANYONE because you've made your mind up before you've even given them a chance.

So my overall advice would be, trust your instinct a bit more and be a bit more transparent in your thought process and decision making, so you're not getting the hopes up of some poor unfortunate woman who thought all the dates and the affection and the promises actually meant something.

Merkin

commitmentshy wrote: »

For comments relating to the kid - that subject was discussed early on and we both agreed to keep things seperate. i.e I wouldnt be getting involved in the kids life and any relationship would be between me and her. The most she wants is for me to meet the kid down the line.

And yet she wants you as her boyfriend? How would that work if things were to develop?

This has got absolutely no future whatsoever, for SO many reasons. I'd meet up with her, tell her it has no future and cut contact. Sooner rather than later too.

midlandsmissus

You are being selfish. Don't think of your own wants for a while, and think of the two people you are not being nice to. In any relationship.you need to thinkof the other pperson, not just yourself. Have a look at the bigger picture, the other people involved, not just you.

maria34

That kid is a part of her. Yous cant keep it separate. Its like a package. I know what im talking about. Altho i wouldnt go out with someone who doesnt accept my kids. Dont know why she is even happy with it.
Decent thing to do is to break up with her and let her find her happiness. And she will find that.

Besonders

OP you aren't ready for a monogomous relationship it seems. Either break up or tell her you want an open relationship, whichever you prefer.