Wanting to be friends with a particular person

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm feeling kind of confused recently. There's this person who I admire so much and this person is everything I want in a friend. This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

It's been continuously occurring to me that I would love to be friends with this person. How can I go about this when our lives are so different?

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

Any advice is welcome!

Time Now Please

First of all, you don't say if you are male or female. or what gender is your friend, are you in college?

Merkin

I'm not so sure trying to be friends with this person is a great idea as you seem to have placed them on some kind of pedestal and your talk of feelings of loss at not being friends is a little intense. Do you normally mix easily? Do you have other friends?

Bafucin

Friendshelp2 wrote: »

Hi all,






I'm feeling kind of confused recently. There's this person who I admire so much and this person is everything I want in a friend. This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

It's been continuously occurring to me that I would love to be friends with this person. How can I go about this when our lives are so different?

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

Any advice is welcome!

I would say lighten up. Similarities rather than differences build friendships. It is not really gonna happen unless it happens naturally.

A person is a person.

It kinda seems odd and they would have invited you into friendship if they felt you got on.

LegacyUser

Guest-
Quote OP

Hi all,

'I'm feeling kind of confused recently. There's this person who I admire so much and this person is everything I want in a friend. This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

It's been continuously occurring to me that I would love to be friends with this person. How can I go about this when our lives are so different?

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

Any advice is welcome! '

Does this person want to be friends with you at all?
OP unless that person reciprocates your feelings and wish for friendship there is nothing you can do.

If they are kind generally ..that is all the acquaintanceship may have been.

If they wanted your friendship they would let you know. Otherwise you will give off single white male /female vibes.

Lou.m

Friendshelp2 wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm feeling kind of confused recently. There's this person who I admire so much and this person is everything I want in a friend. This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

It's been continuously occurring to me that I would love to be friends with this person. How can I go about this when our lives are so different?

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

Any advice is welcome!

This person has to want to reciprocate your friendship it takes two for anything to progress.

If you feel so 'less than' this person or they see in you in that way you will not feel comfortable around them.

And you need to be sure they really want you around.

whirlpool

Friendshelp2 wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm feeling kind of confused recently. There's this person who I admire so much and this person is everything I want in a friend. This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

It's been continuously occurring to me that I would love to be friends with this person. How can I go about this when our lives are so different?

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

Any advice is welcome!

Why would you love to be friends with this person? You haven't said why. What would you get out of the friendship exactly? How would you feel if you were friends with this person? It's not because of things in common, which would normally be the reason why people would want to be friends, so would you be able to clarify the reason first of all?

whirlpool

sunflower27 wrote: »

The OP has said why and clearly states: This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The OP has not actually said why, hence me asking them the question. The OP has given a description of the person, but has not explained why they want to be friends with a person of said description. You have also gone on to answer my question on the OP's behalf by assuming the answer to my question is low self esteem. It is really up to the OP to answer my question themselves. Self esteem was actually not even mentioned by anyone prior to your post. I think it's important that the OP thinks about the questions being put to them and provides their own answers rather than having other people answer for them.

Lou.m

sunflower27 wrote: »

The OP has said why and clearly states: This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

These are truly wonderful traits and rare in a person and it makes complete sense that a person with low self esteem, who is shy and obviously feels inferior would want a friend like this.

OP, as Merkin said, you have this person on a pedestal. I think you need to work on your own self-esteem and this in turn will attract people to you.

A friendship cannot be forced. It sounds also as if you may like to ride on the coat-tails of this person. By that I mean, they are popular and outgoing and you believe that being with them could make you the same.

I really think you could do with some personal counselling.

You sound as if your self esteem could do with a boost.

No they are not really. I know lots of people like this. I know people like this from many different backgrounds with different idiosyncrasies and quirks.

I agree with a lot of the rest of your post though.

Friendships more than anything are based on shared experiences over time, a spark of re-pour , or a selfless love of something else like music or something that the two of you understand. People who are opposites can bring each other different aspects to a friendship. But it's natural both like each other. You get each others sense of humor you LIKE being around one another.

But the OP generally is saying

This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

I want this person to be nice to me ...not lets be pleased in each others company because we just are.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

If the total of the package was them alone and not the rest would you still want to be friends?
The different backgrounds would give you different values and perspectives perhaps. And if you are not an out going person maybe you won't enjoy the types of things this person does.

Does this person get YOU at all?
And also why so predominantly fixed on THIS person?
Do they enjoy being in your company?
Honestly many of the times i have made friends ...it just happened...i can't say we were unalike or alike. All my friends have maybe just me in common and various groups and ages of my friends ( not that I have heaps of friends I deffo don't) would not mix. I think it's because my personality has different aspects. I like the way different peoples minds work. Different people bring out different aspects of you like reading a different book or something. Some people you click with.

You can learn different things from diff peoples. And they from you.

Friendship with someone who considered themselves above the other would show one friend to be up themselves and the other to have low self esteem . That is not a positive thing.

You need a friend who has faith you can do this things for yourself and you need that faith too. Any other type of friend would be a burden.

You can attain your own merits and should feel like the star of your own life.
I still think you can't force a person to like you though and should not want to.
And different backgrounds can still make it difficult to see each others perspective etc.

OP question what are YOU like? What is your personality ?

Lou.m

sunflower27 wrote: »

I agree, rare was the wrong choice of word.

I have had many friends in my life come and go after letting me down. True friends that last the distance are something special. So is someone who doesn't judge other people. If someone has inferiority issues, it stands to reason they will be drawn to a person (and want to befriend one) that they feel will not judge them (as seen in this case).

I agree, rare was the wrong choice of word.

I have had many friends in my life come and go after letting me down. True friends that last the distance are something special. So is someone who doesn't judge other people.

Amen Sunflower!

But just to add if the OP is inspired by this person to do some other things in life they don't need this person to be friends to do that ..they have eveything they need already :-)

Be friends cuz ya likes who ya likes....just make sure ya likes the decent peeps

whirlpool

sunflower27 I haven't read your post because I'm tired and it's pretty long, but I'm fairly sure we're essentially on the same page. My aim with my first post was just to get the OP to start thinking about why they're feeling the way they're feeling, at a very basic level. I would completely agree with you that it is a poor self esteem issue. I hope the OP can come to realise and understand it. I've been there myself. Hopefully the OP can get some help with the self esteem.

Bafucin

The OP hasn't commented back.

But to me it looked kinda like a situation of a teenager in school looking up to a peer or something.

OP I dunno if you are still following this.

But there are not many people from wealthy backgrounds who are not dickheads when you get up close.

Find someone with character who came from nothing and that is true character.

Lou.m

OP if the things you mention would stop them being friends with anyone then they are not the person you think they are.

If they wanted you as a friend and appreciated you they would reach out and none of that stuff would matter.

Sorry just had a sudden epiffany about how important friends are.

If you are genuine and just want to be friends with this person because of who they are then you are worth gold.

Big Bag of Chips

Bafucin, as you are a relatively new poster I will give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.

From the Charter:

Generic sweeping statements are not helpful to an OP and posters will be pulled up on it.

Please make sure you are familiar with The Charter if you wish to continue posting in the Personal Issues Forum.

Stavro Mueller

How well do you know this person? The only way friendships happen is if you start talking to them and you click. Try reaching out to them and talking to them more is the only advice I can give you. Admiring them from afar and wishing you were their friend is a pointless exercise. It's like having a crush on someone who knows you and wishing they'd fancy you instead of other people.

Bafucin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Bafucin, as you are a relatively new poster I will give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.

From the Charter:


Please make sure you are familiar with The Charter if you wish to continue posting in the Personal Issues Forum.

Sincere apologies the post your are referring to was too Blazé for the personal issues forum I apologize. Assumptions are not called for I understand.

Bafucin

cymbaline wrote: »

How well do you know this person? The only way friendships happen is if you start talking to them and you click. Try reaching out to them and talking to them more is the only advice I can give you. Admiring them from afar and wishing you were their friend is a pointless exercise. It's like having a crush on someone who knows you and wishing they'd fancy you instead of other people.

The OP mentioned that they had been an acquaintance of this person in the past but indicated that they had lost contact.

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

It is not clear if the OP has a direct way to contact that person or if it would be possible at this point.

I think the main issue was the OP was unable to see themselves in the person's world. There appears some distance of a sort between them. And the OP does not feel that they can make contact because of this and or other issues which seems to be the main query.

OP perhaps if you come across your acquaintance again be more forward in talking and offer to swap contact details or something so you have a way to contact them and they you etc?

Although I think you do need some kind of direct indication from them that they reciprocate.

Other than that I don't think there is anything you can do.

Yolandi Boraine

Friendshelp2 wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm feeling kind of confused recently. There's this person who I admire so much and this person is everything I want in a friend. This person is kind to everyone regardless of who they are and is generally a very nice and decent person.

The problem is we are both very different types of people. This person is outgoing and sporty where as I am not. This person is very popular and has a lot more friends than I would and it could be argued comes from a wealthier background than myself.

It's been continuously occurring to me that I would love to be friends with this person. How can I go about this when our lives are so different?

Inside I feel as if I have lost somebody even though we were never more than mere acquaintances.

Any advice is welcome!

I have been the other side of this situation. Well in a way.

I come from a rich background. I grew up surrounded by a close knit conservative but kind family and close friends but I always had a lot of friends I knew from a young age. I had the same group of people around me from about 4 yrs old until I was 18. There are not many great Universities where I was born so I traveled to the UK to study and suddenly I knew no one. And nobody knew anything about my background or my family at first. I began to make one or two girlfriends slowly. But I found I was far less sociable than I had expected I might be. By the end of the year it was becoming obvious that I had come from a wealthy family and suddenly people who who would have shown no interest in me wanted to know me. It made me very suspicious of anyone who might try to befriend me and forget about dating. Generally I found when people do come from a different background it is very awkward. The irony is that decent people generally stay to the back because they know you might have a lot of hangers on. Obviously you can't expect them to fork out for the same social life that you have and they didn't want to stop me from enjoying what I thought was normal. But if you have friends for whom it is not it can seem smug and I didn't want to appear to be 'up myself'. So I just preferred to spend time with people similar to myself.


People need to feel socially safe and comfortable with friends. I can see from your post that you don't feel socially safe with this person. This person has not made you feel that your background is ok with them. So are they really so nice?

If they appreciated you as a friend they would have made a place for you. If I liked someone and wanted them in my life I would make that very apparent. I would think the perfect friend for you would appreciate you.

If this person has not brought you into their lives then that is your answer. Spend your energy on admiring people who do appreciate you.

I wouldn't try pushing it with someone who does not like you back they are just going to think you are doing it for the wrong reasons or that you are slightly stalkerish.

So my opinion is that unless this person tells you they really like you and want to get to know you better than you should leave it.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think it's as easy as someone "inviting" you in to be their friend. Nobody is going to approach you, tell you they like you and deem you worthy of being in their social circle. That, to me, would be very contrived, egotistical and deliberately set you apart from them. Like they "give you permission" to be their friend.

Friendship should be natural. It's something that just happens and starts maybe due to a common interest and then grows.

People are saying if this person isn't already your friend or inviting you into their world, then they are not the type of person you need as a friend. I think that's a ridiculous assumption. You probably don't even feature on their radar! And I don't mean to be rude saying that. But how many of us go around daily, looking out for people to "invite" to be our friend. Very few (none?) We make friends in our daily life just by doing things, going places, meeting and speaking to people. We don't "collect" friends or go around telling people we want them to be our friend. This person probably has no idea that you desperately want to be their friend.

From your opening post it sounds like you are worshipping them from afar. Have you any interaction with them, apart from being a passing acquaintance? Where do you see them? Have you ever spoken? Do you have something in common to talk about? Do you mix in the same circles?

These are all how friendships come about. And just because someone might have a group of friends that you are not part of doesn't mean you are being excluded by them. It just means you haven't made friends with them! We can't be friends with everyone. We can have innumerable acquaintances, but only a few friends.

If you want to be friends with someone you have to put yourself in their path. Be in contact with them. Talk. Nobody is going to approach you and say "Do you want to be my friend?". I think the last time someone said that to me I was 6.

Mighty_Mouse

Is it not a bit weird to "target" someone for friendship?

Friendships just "happen" in my experience.