Need to leave

Catfisher

I am in a very controlling relationship. I am male, 31 and have been seeing this girl for 4 years. She puts very tight restraints on me whether it is meeting friends or spending money.

She relys on me for rent, bills etc and I don't have the money to fund her needs. Frankly, her expectations of me are far too high and I am "selfish" if I don't give in.

If I try to explain things from my point of view she loses the head. I feel uptight around her and even tho I'm working and she's not I find it difficult to even put petrol in the car to go to work.

I find myself panicking when I can't get her what I want. She has serious issues with people and I worry about taking her to family events etc.

Truth be told I am happy but not when I need to be, I don't find her attractive but feel sad when I see her hurt or upset.

I don't have the courage to break up with her. She is highly highly agressive and obsessive eg calling up to 7-8 times when I don't pick up the phone, wanting to know where I am.

She says this because past boyfriends have cheated on her, I have never btw but she gets jealous when I interact with other girls.

Friends have advised me to leave, she can go out as she pleases, spending her money freely and I end up borrowing friends to get by.


I know if we break up she will go nuts and threaten harming herself, I hate this drama and these fights that come out of nowhere and are always blown way out of proportion.

rovoagho

Assert yourself or change your phone number. Those are your options.

Penny Tration

So what if she threatens to harm herself? If she truly, genuinely wanted to harm herself, that's her decision and has nothing to do with you. Block her number, and if she does start obsessively contacting you, go to the police.

Please go to www.amen.ie and talk to them. What you're experiencing is abuse.

Oryx

You are in a codependent relationship, and its not healthy for either of you. This girl has self esteem and trust issues she is inflicting on you; you give in to her demands because you don't know how to refuse.

To be honest you need to leave but if that seems too hard a step to take, then find ways to build your own self worth, which she is diminishing. See a counsellor, if possible. But the simplest way to start a change here is to just say NO. Give no explanation, do not apologise. Let her go off on whatever rant she chooses but do not give in. Break the pattern you guys have built up. Based on what you have said you will leave this girl, once you get your mind around the idea. And thats probably best for both of you.

keyboardmouse

I can comment on this situation because I'm in it.

The going nuts, walking on egg shells, the fear of self harm etc

Do you find yourself saying "sorry" all the time?

"Sorry honey, I'll try do better."

"Sorry baby, I do love you" (because you haven't maybe said it a million times that day)

"Sorry honey I''ll put in more effort to show you how I feel (Because if your not constantly being romantic it means your putting in no effort)

Here's my advice, I even have it written on a list to remind myself.

Your opinion matters. My opinion matters. But as far as your girlfriend and mine are concerned, our opinion matters not a jot.

I used to explain myself and my point of view and she'd loose the head, telling me I've an attitude.
Any criticism of her no matter how small is "having an attitude."

So I mentally tell myself "I've done nothing wrong, she's unstable"

and then proceed to say "Sorry honey, my fault" or whatever.

It might sound pathetic but I've wasted hours of m y life fighting with a brick wall and I'm not going to waste anymore.


To be honest I'm DYING to be out of it, but sadly we've a child so I'm torn. And even without that, it's still hard.
They make the relationship so intense that you feel its love (Oh we've been through so much) but it's love based in tragic circumstances
not love.

So my advice, if you can dig deep and find the strength, get out while you still have a life and friends ( I didn't and now it's all gone)

It's hard and I know EXACTLY HOW YOUR FEELING.

I didn't have the strength to say "enough is enough", (not yet) bu hopefully you will.

You chose to get into that relationship. Choose to get out.

ManOfMystery

So just to summarise. Your partner .....

• Relies on you to fund her totally
• Controls your actions and movements to the point of obsession
• Is jealous
• Has a temper and is aggressive
• Appears to have behavioural issues which limits your socialising as a couple
• Is not attractive to you at all

Why exactly are you with this girl? How does she enrich your life in any way, as partners are meant to do?

You need to grow a set and break up with her. This is a toxic relationship. Breaking up may be difficult but it's a transition and it will pass, it's surely easier than enduring another X number of years of this.

Of course she will threaten self-harm and possible other things, she may even threaten you personally. You've already said she's obsessive and has a temper , so would you expect any less from her?

You need to ignore what she says and stick to your guns. Trust me, I've been through exactly the same thing.

ladygirl

OP

Please get out now and dont look back.. There is no changing your partner - believe me I know this.. Your relationship is TOXIC...

Speak to a family member or friend about this as it is not healthy to be dealing with this type of abuse on your own. You only have one life and everyone deserves to be happy.. Dont waste another day with this parasite...

Truth be told you have no clue what happiness is. But I promise you - if you walk away from this - it will be just around the corner..

Chin up
xx

keyboardmouse

It's very easy to say "get out of it" but sometimes it's so hard. But as previous poster said, it's toxic, and toxic is BAD.

ManOfMystery

It's not easy getting out of a relationship like that, but it's still infinitely easier than enduring it for a lifetime.

diveout

I've seen this kind of thing before, I have been in this kind of thing before, and what I would say to you, is that we all have tremendous capacity for tolerances, and survival. The downside of this, is that it can facilitate endurance in what is a chronically destructive environment until it takes something awful, sometimes violent, and hopefully not deadly to make you leave or it becomes too late.

There will be blood on your carpet OP, one of you will snap. It's only a matter of time, unless you go and go now.

Lou.m

She is a sociopathic narcissist. You need to leave her and cut all contact warn people she will try anything. Then take time to heal.