Long distance

snowflaked

Hi there,

Just wondering can anyone give any advice to get over the ache that comes from a long distance relationship. Skype is out as is talking daily due to the nature of his job.i Once a week average we can talk. It's really difficult. If I walked away, I am scared of hurting even more trying to get over him.

Thanks.

Noo

How long have you been together? How long til youre together again?

Penny Tration

Why can you only talk once a week? No job takes up that much time, surely?

Do you actually get to see each other at all?

The most important thing with lobg distance is communication, which you don't seem to get.

Honestly, I don't know how one chat per week could be a relationship.

snowflaked

Thanks for your replies, sorry didn't realise I was not anon

snowflaked

We are not exclusive. Yet not seeing other people. He never held me back from seeing other people but I could not do that and he prob knows this.
6 months. His job is so intense, i doubt he has little time for much else. It's how to deal with it is what I am finding hard. Thanks.

Penny Tration

snowflaked wrote: »

We are not exclusive. Yet not seeing other people. He never held me back from seeing other people but I could not do that and he prob knows this.
6 months. His job is so intense, i doubt he has little time for much else. It's how to deal with it is what I am finding hard. Thanks.

I'm sure it's probably not what you want to hear, but there really isn't a way of dealing with it. He only talks to you once a week and yo don't see each other. That's really not a relationship.

I would love to give you tips to cope with it, but the one thing everyone says when helping people doing long distance is to talk lots, Skype, email, text, etc.

I really don't think this is a relationship, or something that will turn into more. You deserve more.

snowflaked

Thanks green screen. It feels like a sickness in my stomach, and I don't know what is better, to stop contact altogether for a while and hope those feelings fade or to increase contact. Would his stress of work block out feelings for another person or should the feelings overcome stress. it's great when we do talk.

keysersoze0330

Chat once a week and not exclusive is not a relationship. Unless he is working under water i cant see how ye can only chat once a week. I think you should stop putting your life on hold, and make the break, as it sounds like its really getting you down. Best of luck OP

Penny Tration

snowflaked wrote: »

Thanks green screen. It feels like a sickness in my stomach, and I don't know what is better, to stop contact altogether for a while and hope those feelings fade or to increase contact. Would his stress of work block out feelings for another person or should the feelings overcome stress. it's great when we do talk.

No, being stressed at work doesn't stop you caring about the other person. I'm extremely stressed out and incredibly busy with work and family stuff at the moment. Instead of making me forget my boyfriend, it makes me look forward to the few hour gaps that I have in which to see him and talk to him.

Taking feelings out of the equation and being practical - if you end things, it will hurt. It'll hurt a lot. No denying that.
But, it's hurting now. If you end things, the hurt will fade in a few months.
If you stay with him, you have god knows how many months /years of pain and uncertainty ahead.

Any relationship shouldn't make you feel like this.

snowflaked

I know he is prioritising his work over me. And a big part of me has understood this as he has said that a relationship is not an option given his workload at the mo but he has kind of more or less promised it in a way in a few months. I think what you have said so far makes sense, it's very hard. How do you even phrase it without sounding selfish. I don't want to make a hard situation harder for him he is a good person, I honestly think it is a case of very bad timing part of me is wondering would stopping talking benefit him more than me, would he be happier knowing he didn't have to talk to me for a while. I wish I didn't care. I don't think I will ever take for granted talking or spending time with someone after this.

snowflaked

I tried to stop talking to him before and he was stressed as a result and I could not do it. Now I feel I care much more.

Penny Tration

It's easy enough to word, tbh. 'I'm sorry, but you can't be in a relationship with me, we barely speak and I never see you. I just don't think that's a healthy basis for a relationship and it is making me feel rotten, so I think it'd be best of we went our separate ways.'

Tbh, based on what you've said (barely talking, refusal to have a relationship, prioritising work over you), i very much doubt it'll hurt him, aside from denting his ego.

Much as you care about him, forget how you think he'll feel (honestly, I doubt he'll be overly bothered), and think about how YOU feel. You can't spend your life worrying about how other people feel. You have to focus on YOUR needs.

Think of it ripping off a plaster. Do it quickly, and it hurts but the pain soon subsides. Do it slowly and drawn out because you're afraid of the pain, and the pain is actually worse and longer lasting.

Penny Tration

snowflaked wrote: »

I tried to stop talking to him before and he was stressed as a result and I could not do it. Now I feel I care much more.

I doubt he was stressed over it. If you only speak once a week, cutting contact is relatively easy for both parties. Sounds like his pride was dented and he wanted you there as his ego boost. If he cared about you, and you cut contact, he wouldn't be guilting you saying he's stressed. He'd understand and respect your decision.

Merkin

I can't in all honesty see what you could possibly be getting out of this hon. He won't commit to exclusivity, you don't see him and he can't be bothered making the time to keep in contact (daily communication being the cornerstone of any LDR). Vague promises on his part that it won't always be like this don't mean anything when his actions don't substantiate that. Rip the plaster off as advised and tell him it's not going to work and that he will no longer hear from you. I think you'll get over this a lot quicker than you think.

Semele

snowflaked wrote: »

I tried to stop talking to him before and he was stressed as a result.

Why is that a bad thing? At the minute he has no impetus to change his priorities or even to think about whether he should- if you move on then he will either a) not be particularly bothered, in which case you have your answer, or b) he will become "stressed" and have to make an effort if he wants to keep you in his life.

If it is the latter then you will have to decide how confident you are that it is a genuine, committed change, rather than just an attempt to placate you with more vague promises and thus restore the status quo. I don't advocate game playing, so if you do pull back and get on with your life then you need to do it with conviction- i.e. potentially be open to the idea of continuing a relationship with him, but with no expectation that this is going to be the case. If it doesn't happen you need to be committed to moving on for your own sake and not just give in again.

LegacyUser

snowflaked wrote: »

due to the nature of his job.Thanks.

Sorry, unless he has the type of job, like is he in a submarine, or up a mountain with no access to a phone/way of contact, this is being beyond used as a scape goat. Am actually racking my brains here trying to figure out a job where someone could use that as an excuse not to contact someone for several days.

So, bar the above. He also wont give any type of committment.

Is your self esteem that in the toilet that you'll accept this as a good "relationship"?

snowflaked

Thank you so much for the sound advice on here. I know what is the right /best thing for me to do now.
It's really hard when you don't want to hurt the other person in some way and then you are trying to balance that idea against one where he might not care that much anyways due to his actions/inactions. Despite him telling me he cares very much so. Jesus sometimes life is so hard and you think it will be worth it. Other times you think it should not be this hard. As green screen said, it is not worth it if I am feeling rotten.
I am wondering if he really wanted could he make it work, or is there situations where it is near impossible and so that there is the slight chance I could be too hard on him I will see I suppose what he says when I talk to him.
I Will prob have to wait a few days to talk to him which is more than frustrating. Thanks again.

Semele

snowflaked wrote: »

Thank you so much for the sound advice on here. I know what is the right /best thing for me to do now.
It's really hard when you don't want to hurt the other person in some way and then you are trying to balance that idea against one where he might not care that much anyways due to his actions/inactions. Despite him telling me he cares very much so. Jesus sometimes life is so hard and you think it will be worth it. Other times you think it should not be this hard. As green screen said, it is not worth it if I am feeling rotten.
I am wondering if he really wanted could he make it work, or is there situations where it is near impossible and so that there is the slight chance I could be too hard on him I will see I suppose what he says when I talk to him.
I Will prob have to wait a few days to talk to him which is more than frustrating. Thanks again.

It depends on how much of a need to talk it out you have, tbh. To me it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship that needs to be formally broken up! In a similar situation I just stopped making all the efforts at contact, largely to see if he'd even notice or bother being the one to call me if he realised we hadn't spoken for a while. He didn't, and there was my answer, by which point I'd got used to him not being in my life and felt fine about it. My worry if you have a big conversation about it is that he'll say the things that he knows work on you and you'll end up resolving nothing. Actions speak louder than words- don't contact him and you'll soon know whether he actually cares enough to find out why, or not.

The other danger in having a big serious conversation with him is that it feeds the impression of emotional connection/importance. Once I stopped intentionally feeding my pseudo-relationship through angsty conversations (with and about him!) I realised there wasn't actually anything real there, because I never saw him in order to have any serious feelings about him- it was all just maintained via the amount of mental effort I put into thinking about it. I'd bet he's not sitting around worrying over the status of your "relationship", so why should you single-handedly do it all?

snowflaked

Semele wrote: »

It depends on how much of a need to talk it out you have, tbh. To me it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship that needs to be formally broken up! In a similar situation I just stopped making all the efforts at contact, largely to see if he'd even notice or bother being the one to call me if he realised we hadn't spoken for a while. He didn't, and there was my answer, by which point I'd got used to him not being in my life and felt fine about it. My worry if you have a big conversation about it is that he'll say the things that he knows work on you and you'll end up resolving nothing. Actions speak louder than words- don't contact him and you'll soon know whether he actually cares enough to find out why, or not.

The other danger in having a big serious conversation with him is that it feeds the impression of emotional connection/importance. Once I stopped intentionally feeding my pseudo-relationship through angsty conversations (with and about him!) I realised there wasn't actually anything real there, because I never saw him in order to have any serious feelings about him- it was all just maintained via the amount of mental effort I put into thinking about it. I'd bet he's not sitting around worrying over the status of your "relationship", so why should you single-handedly do it all?

You know what Semele, this is exactly what is happening in my situation. I feel like all my thinking is propelling it. He talks to me on his terms all the time I suppose. What I have to do now is be strong enough to not contact him for a while and see if he cares. It will be hard when he does contact me as I love talking to him. It's the flip side when we don't is just awful. I think I need to keep reminding myself that I deserve to be treated better than this, even though I feel he is a good person and doesn't mean to hurt me. I have let him talk to me whenever he likes, yet it is not reciprocated. I need to be strong!! I will hold out on having a big conversation unless he wants to explain his side then il talk to him but in the meantime il just concentrate on myself for now. Semele that advice really struck a chord with me, thanks a mil.

snowflaked

Semele wrote: »

it was all just maintained via the amount of mental effort I put into thinking about it. I'd bet he's not sitting around worrying over the status of your "relationship", so why should you single-handedly do it all?

Just realising how much time I spend thinking about the whole thing- you end up feeling like a pathetic mess which is never attractive. Going to try block the thoughts leading back to him somehow

Semele

snowflaked wrote: »

I deserve to be treated better than this, even though I feel he is a good person and doesn't mean to hurt me. I have let him talk to me whenever he likes, yet it is not reciprocated. I need to be strong!! I will hold out on having a big conversation unless he wants to explain his side then il talk to him but in the meantime il just concentrate on myself for now. Semele that advice really struck a chord with me, thanks a mil.

I meant to say as well that he probably isn't a player, or intentionally trying to string you along! In my case he did like me- he was always glad to hear from me and called me now and again, we had fun conversations and we always had a good time when we saw each other. The only problem being, while he honestly liked me he never liked me enough to seek out any of these things or to make an effort if I wasn't right in front of him (so to speak!). So if I ever tried to have a conversation about it I'd hear that he liked me, and how much he liked talking to me and would miss it if we didn't speak anymore, and how he'd love to see me more if we weren't both so busy... And I'd hang up feeling great again and go on living on scraps, thinking over the nice things he'd said in our last chat, or going over all the "evidence" of his feelings for me, while in reality he hung up the phone in an equally good mood...and then forgot about me until I texted or called again! It was when I had a really bad week once and realised that I didn't feel like I could call him to talk that I realised so much of my time went in to keeping him happy and not seeming like a burden (like being moany on the phone) in any way that I wasn't really being true to my feelings.

It makes it harder in a way, because you can't be mad at him! My behaviour was driving the situation as much as, and increasingly more than, his. He wasn't leading me on because I was doing the running and he was genuinely glad to hear from me when I did.

I'm not perfect- I'm still in my situation! I have however downgraded my expectations and reduced his emotional importance in my life. Now, when he calls (which he does occasionally) we have a grand chat and it's enjoyable and all, but it is what it is. If we end up getting more serious when I move nearer for work next year then that's fine* but as far as I'm concerned I'm happily single now and if I were to meet someone else he wouldn't be a barrier to that, because he is not my boyfriend.

* I'd normally say if he can't be bothered to make more of an effort to see me now then why would I ever want to be with him, but tbh we were never in each other's lives to begin with, so have never had the experience of how that would be. We got together just before I moved away and were only casually dating in that time- all the more emotional conversations were by phone later! So maybe in other circumstances things would have been/will be different, but I'm not relying on or expecting it. He's a nice person and it'd be nice if we did get together properly in future, but for now I'm not prepared to make enough of an effort for it and neither is he.

snowflaked

Thanks for being so honest Semele. I am in the exact same situation. Like literally it is a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and I blame myself for letting it go so far and letting him talk to me whenever it suits him. Maybe I am more afraid of him just letting it go easier than I am when he ultimately will choose work over me. I hate putting anyone in a trapped situation but tbh I have been feeling so down about the whole thing that I need to make things better even if it will hurt more at first. I am not into game playing at all, I really feel being honest enough and explaining why I am not going to be talking to him in the future would be better than stopping contact for a while. No matter what he says i will say I feel the right thing to do is to stop talking. I saw a previous poster comment on self esteem and I suppose one does not feel great when someone who you really like is not actively perusing you so to speak. Yet I feel like he does mean it when he says he really likes me. I understand his actions don't show that though. Sigh. The lack of communication means that I am keeping it going in my head like you said Sevele. It's disappointing to have put in a lot of thought and effort and feelings only to be giving up now. Thanks again Sevele, I don't know how that guy cannot see what a kind girl you are, he must be mad :-) you really helped me, thank you. Take care x

Bafucin

snowflaked wrote: »

We are not exclusive. Yet not seeing other people. He never held me back from seeing other people but I could not do that and he prob knows this.
6 months. His job is so intense, i doubt he has little time for much else. It's how to deal with it is what I am finding hard. Thanks.

I am sorry but I don't think that is going to last. When someone is away they need to be fully in that life their head is there etc.

Snowflaked you said that you felt a lot of your thinking was propelling this. That's the problem a long distance relationship is half in the head anyway you need to be very grounded and have your own stuff going on for it to work.

You need to focus on your life.

You should see other people if he is.

Chatting once a week and not being exclusive is not really a relationship. Suggest you two wait until he comes back and see if it still there separate until then for your own mental well being.

From a guys point of view I don't think he is in a relationship.

snowflaked

OP here again.

I found out he was having a proper relationship with someone else in the meantime. It's sickening Thanks for all the advice, many lessons have been learned.

Penny Tration

snowflaked wrote: »

OP here again.

I found out he was having a proper relationship with someone else in the meantime. It's sickening Thanks for all the advice, many lessons have been learned.

Tbh, i thought it might be that.

I'm very sorry to hear that, op. You didn't deserve that.

Next time something feels wrong, trust your instinct. He's a nasty sleaze for doing that. Try to just be glad you're not his poor girlfriend.

snowflaked

Thanks green screen. The promises, the betrayal, the hopes for the future that had kept me going for so long have all been shattered. And I feel like the biggest fool of all for trusting him with all my might. Reading back over my posts, and reading about the gut wrenching feeling in my stomach I had.. I never believed in instincts until you said that and I made the connection. Thanks again x

Merkin

I kind of suspected as much. When words don't back up actions it's normally a fairly good indication of what is really going on.

Onwards and upwards OP, cut contact for good and move on.

Tasden

snowflaked wrote: »

Thanks green screen. The promises, the betrayal, the hopes for the future that had kept me going for so long have all been shattered. And I feel like the biggest fool of all for trusting him with all my might. Reading back over my posts, and reading about the gut wrenching feeling in my stomach I had.. I never believed in instincts until you said that and I made the connection. Thanks again x

Never feel bad for trusting someone or giving them a chance (even if you did feel something was wrong), it doesn't reflect badly on you, if someone abuses your trust or your kindness the only person it reflects badly on is them.

Don't feel like a fool, be ok with the fact you took a chance on him. Ok it didn't work out but if he had been worth the chance you'd never have known if you hadn't tried.

Look after yourself

sadie06

I only read this thread now, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and let down. You are not a fool at all, but it is good to tap into those instincts and remember it for the future.

I wish you lots of luck moving on. You sound like a lovely person!

snowflaked

Thanks very much guys, I really appreciate those words of support. It is hard to describe the hurt I feel because all that was literally getting me through the original long distance issue was the hope/ thinking and looking forward to when I thought we would be together. Sometimes hopes are higher than reality so you can imagine the crash I feel. The last few months.. I have nearly convinced myself I could have had some mental disorder that I imagined it all! But I know he was feeding my feeling about loving me and so on. I know it is a very poor reflection on him, yet he has not explained anything because he is working and we won't talk for a few days. A little part of me wants him to have some excuse, but I know that there is no excuse. The hurt. The hurt. Its like opening your arms and getting kicked in the stomach. Life goes on and il go with it. Slowly maybe for the next while. Thanks x