Am a coward and don't know how to go about changing that.

lemonhead315

Hi, I have been a doormat for many years and I want to change, but it is difficult. I have been living in Ireland ten years.Because of my nervous, but nice disposition I have been like a magnet to people with bully type personalities or control freaks.

For most of my twenties I was a problem drinker and would get myself into stupid situations where I was always apologising after and then beating myself up. I have given up drinking as a lifestyle in December. By lifestyle I mean that I now only drink to celebrate. To put that into perspective I have had two nights out drinking since the end of 2013 which I think is a huge change as opposed to how I used to drink, which was a two or 3 night a week binge. I was a heavy smoker for 17 years And have been off them now for 3 months. I graduated last year and Since then I have had no luck getting a job. Instead of beating myself up about that, I decided to make the most of my free time and have started running and cycling for exercise.

I have changed so much. I don't hurt anyone and I am trying to gain respect from people in my life, but it's not working. My friends say they are proud of me for being so diciplined, but then laugh and make sarcastic comments about my 'sparkling water' in the pub. Some of these friends are people I have only known a short period of time, but they are the only people I have here. They make snidey comments and I don't know what to do. If I say something they will put it down to me being sensitive and not getting Irish sarcasm.

I just want respect and I want to know who my true friends are here(if I have any at all). I know that some are not true friends and although they wouldn't go out of their way to do anything bad to me in an obvious blatant way, they just generally make me feel **** about myself. It's done in a way that it's hard for me to call them up on it if you know what I mean? I have so much pent up anger and frustration because of this. I want to tell them that I would rather be alone then hang out with friends like that, but I don't want to burn bridges because Ireland is a small country and unless I move away soon (which is a possibility) chances are I will bump into them again. I want to start afresh and make friends who instill confidence and happiness in me. Not people who are just looking for someone to take their own insecurities out on.

One "friend" is so awful and has out rightly insulted my family and my identity in the past. However she suffers with mental illness so I would like to just back away from that friendship slowly without making a fuss, but they don't seem to take hints very well.

I really just don't know where to begin here. I need to grow a pair, but I am so scared of burning my bridges and sometimes don't trust that I am not also in the wrong somehow. That why I cut the drinking out as well, so I could clearly distinguish, but I am still left confused.

R.D. aka MR.D

have you thought of joining an international group? Like a meet up group that is for people of other nationalities.

I sympathize with you a lot. The way Irish people act toward one another can be very confusing for outsiders. An American friend of ours couldn't understand how my best friend and I were always slagging each other. She asked why we live together if we don't like each other. My friend and I were best friends. Our other friends used to say we were a married couple because we shared a room and finished each others sentences. We loved each other completely! I would do anything for her!
No matter how much we explained that to our friend, she couldn't understand.

It's a cultural thing. So, please don't take it personally. Don't think that these people don't like you. You can try to explain to them that it is hurting your feelings but if everyone else gets the same treatment then they might not understand what your problem is.

If you make new friends then set your boundaries early and let them know what you find acceptable and unacceptable.

It's okay to not want people to joke about you but you also have to understand that (for better or for worse, I don't know) being 'able to take a joke' is an important part of social interaction.

My usual advice to people who are getting jokes thrown at them is to give as good as you get but somehow it comes across that that isn't your personality type.

Mark Tapley

Your post reminds me of when I moved to Ireland when I was young .When I went to school I didn't understand the slagging and thought they hated me . Then you realise they slag each other the same way and consider it a friendly exchange. Not being able to take a slagging would just encourage more slagging. I don't know if your friends are giving you a hard time or just trying to have a laugh. It wouldn't be uncommon to get slagged for having a mineral water in a pub.
For myself once I got the hang of it , it taught me not take myself too seriously.
My Dad who is Irish met his brother recently who he hadn't seen for a while and the first thing he said was "howya you old bollix"
That meant he was delighted to see him.
Good luck OP congrats on all you've achieved.
PS of course its possible your friends are twats and if so ditch them.

Rubberchikken

well done on achieving some great improvements so far.
you've got to where you can have a drink if you want, you've given up smoking. you've taken up exercise.
all positives.
now you just need to ditch your 'friends' and find people who treat others with respect.

there is teasing and joking but i sense there's a lot of nastiness and using coming from these.

would you have time to volunteer, it's a great way to meet kind, like-minded people and do something good.
maybe join a local club. i'd say most towns have cycling/running groups that would welcome someone new.

good luck.

JuliusCaesar

You could try reading some books on Assertiveness which will help you the things to do and say so as NOT to be a doormat. Assertiveness is very much about how to stand up for yourself without being aggressive.

Nichololas

You've already made the changes you needed to make - you don't seem like a coward at all to me.

Quitting cigarettes can trigger depression/emotional turbulence and it's only been 3 months for you, it took me about 5-6 months to feel back to normal (well, better than normal).

With regards to the comments about your drinking; some of the people are probably just nasty and bitter and you should distance yourself from them (like you're already doing .. ?). Some of them of course might also just be doing the usual Irish slagging, which actually shows they're comfortable around you - I slag my friends but I wouldn't a stranger or someone I didn't know very well. It's up to you to figure out which are which, I guess.

But you're already on the right track, so persevere!

gaynorvader

It is an Irish thing, and it's mad confusing to people who haven't grown up here (hell, I find confusing sometimes and I did grow up here!). The best 'strategy' is to banter back. If they're slagging you for drinking sparkling water say something along the lines of "If it were you drinking it Tommy, you'd still get drunk after 2" or "You still looking for a lift after or what?". Just don't go overboard. If it really bothers you though, try finding new friends or as another poster suggested, look into joining an international group.