Feel haunted and mortified by my past?

LegacyUser

I know it must get tiring of seeing the same thread about social lives coming up again, but mine is a bit more complex and I rather get it all out here, so that at least I can show that I was aware of how I was in the past and now I was to start again.

Growing up, I had some mental health issues (depression) during my teens due to sibling bullying years ago and also having to live in rural area in the most isolated place possible, and believe it from someone who has experianced it, being alone in your room a lot and spending that much free time on your hands is NOT healthy. I spent a lot of time in my room to get away from the constant fighting that my family used to have all the time.

Long story short, I was the odd, quiet girl in school. People were still nice to me though, but I had very poor social skills and was very naive, I was too afraid to talk to people because of being self-concious, never invited anyone to my house because I dreaded the thought of being the "host". The family home didn't help, as it was so hostile with anger I di not want to invite anyone down. With the depression, I felt like I was under this dark cloud and in my own world.
When I turned 17, I came out of that dark cloud and was more happy and became more aware of the world around me, but went quickly back in again at Leaving Cert, when I was bullied again and also having to deal with stree of exams.

I think I then had some sort of minor breakdown from the stress of friends and exams. I became friends with a girl outside school, who had a similiar life to me. She also had a bad reputation. We used to go out, get drunk and shift a lot of guys at our local pub, which was bad because gossip got around fast, also some false gossip got mixed in too, so we were known as sluts. I remember how some people used to give us dirty looks when we came in. It was bad, because it was SO out of character for someone like me.

I used to get the wrong idea about a guy and messaged him and talked about him a lot, thinking he fancied me, when in actual fact he was just drunk. That happened a few more times until I copped on. I remember even sending this really weird message on Facebook to a guy a fancied at school because I thought he liked me, and that ruined it for me. People then really wondered what the f**k was wrong with me and thought I was a stalker psycho.

People used to shout out the names of the guys I shifted on nights out or "Slut!" to intimidate me. They also took my diary when I and when I found it they wrote some horrible stuff in it, whihc my mother almost saw when she was flicking through to find a page to write a not for school. I was so depressed, that even my sister was so afraid of how sad I was over school that she confessed to me that she thought I was going to commit suicide.

Two years later, I would say that I have copped on and learnt from my mistakes, I am MORTIFIED over how I acted and what stuff I have said to people (especially online, since that stuff is permanant), whether I was sober or drunk. I realise now that I was just not in a good place mentally at the time, and was still very naive about a lot of stuff. I only talk to my friend anymore, after realising what she is like (she was a pathogical liar).

Only thing is that I still fell haunted by my past, especially the online stuff. I am always in fear of the past coming back to ruin my life again, and because of that even though i made one or two new mates after school, there was always this niggling in the back of my head that they will find out what I used to be like. Same goes for having a boyfriend.

I mean is there anyway for me to move forward with my life, and to not have to worry about being judged if my past does come back up again?

Rubberchikken

You cant worry about what people think about you.
Some people judge, others dont.

No matter what you've done, you've learnt the hard way and you're trying to move on and you deserve to be left to do that.

Live your life and try to do your best. No one can do anything more.
Oh and enjoy it, lives are fairly short as are a lot of peoples memories! Go easy on yourself.

alleystar

lonely23 wrote: »

I realise now that I was just not in a good place mentally at the time, and was still very naive about a lot of stuff.

This is the most important part of your post, you were mentally unwell, lonely and naïve. Sure you made a couple of bad decisions (who hasn't?), but it's all well and truly in the past now. You can't change it, you just have to learn to accept it and live with it. Not to trivialise your post or anything but I know plenty of people who've done a hell of a lot worse than you!

If anyone ever brings up something from your past that you're not too fond of - shrug it off, be nonchalant about it even if your cringing on the inside - they'll see you don't care and move on. True friends won't judge you and if they do, feck them. Everyone has a past, everyone has done things they're not proud of.

And in actual fact the people who called you a slut and wrote those awful things in your journal should be ashamed of themselves, not you.

As the previous poster said, go easy on yourself. Life is for living at the end of the day.

livemusic4life

Oh such a similar story to my own. Crazily similar in fact. The only advice i can give you is to apologise to anyone you hurt, including yourself. Be honest about what you were going through, after all you were only a kid. People will and do understand. We learn from our mistakes and trust me, people don't judge you as much as you think. Get busy being the person you want to be. Although you should apologise to anyone you hurt, you do not owe anyone else an explanation unless you feel comfortable. Trust me, you will f*ck up plenty more times in life and you need to accept your mistakes. Love yourself for them because you needed to make them to get where you are

Overthrow

It sounds like you had the misfortune of growing up in a small conservative place full of close minded busy bodies. No young person deserves to be subjected to abuse because of their (mis)adventures - it's just part of growing up. Fvck them, you should be proud for being different.

Micky Dolenz

We are our own worst critics are times and we think things about ourselves and past behaviour that probably never even enter other peoples heads.

Forgive yourself, let the past go.

When you feel it creeping in, do something to distract yourself. I know it sounds overly simplistic but after a bit of practice it gets easier.

Colser

Hi Op...I feel your pain honestly and its something that can really eat you up. You know you need to move on and you cant erase the past (believe me you are far from the only one who would like to be able to do this).

All I can suggest is you hold your head up and go about your life to the best of your ability and ignore the local pillars of society(they are everywhere and often have plenty of skeletons in their own wardrobes which often come out given time).

Just remember that you didnt force any lad to shift you ect. I bet they were willing to participate so why should you carry the shame i bet they dont worry about it.

Onwards and upwards is the only way to go Op and feck the begrudgers. Take Care.

clarbar

Hi op just to say , I ve done way way worse sometimes I think about my past but when I do I have to think stop its in the past. you ll never move on unless you accept this. so New chapter of your life to start wishing you all the best

livemusic4life

actually i heard a line on Dr Phil the other day (yes, yes i know - day time tv is trash)
"if you knew how seldom people actually think about you, you wouldn't be worried about what they think"

Tramps Like Us

You can't change the past op you can just try to be a better person in the future. Some people will say that you shouldnt be critical of your past actions and to ignore those who were critical of you because of your actions, but I don't believe this is the right approach in all cases. Its important to identify why you behaved in such ways and to try and learn from your mistakes. Which you seem to be doing so fair play


If you do that even if people hear about your past they'll see that that behavior is really out of character. I'm from a rural community too and while there are great things about close knit communities they are very unforgiving on those who rub things the wrong way and reputations can last a long time and can be really hard to overcome (this works both ways, I still hear from different people (who never met the man) about how our old neighbor, dead 10 years before I was born was a great man who'd give you the shirt off his back)

Have you considered moving to a different community, for college or whatever?

Olive8585

This is the problem with living in rural Ireland. I spent my teens in a tiiiny village having grown up in a city in Belgium before that due to my dad's job. I found it so stifling. I got bullied really badly because I didn't really understand the Irish customs and how to interact in an Irish way even though my parents are Irish (they had also been abroad too long). I had people post nasty things online about me (some are still there) and make up rumours....they weren't true but that makes no difference really, as people believed them. Same as you, they called me a sl*t and a wh*re even though I hadn't so much as shifted a lad... I have moved away but when I do go back there, I dread running into anyone I used to know and when I do, I get stared at and whispered about...yes it's sad but it does affect you. All I can say is do your best to move on and stop giving the bullies power....THEY are the sad ones who have nothing better to do than gossip. It is a big world out there even though it might not seem like it....these people are very insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Olivia

Time Now Please

Oh if only we all could erase a part of our lives that we were truly embarrassed about it would be great! Look, everybody at some time of their lives has done a few stupid things that they regret, you may not have forgotten about the things you have done but everybody else has, chalk it up, and roll on!! best of luck!!

Lou.m

OP nobody cares SERIOUSLY.

I mean that in a liberating way.

No one thinks you are a psycho stalker. They are not thinking about you at all.

People are not that uptight anymore.

You know now that actions have consequences. Don't hurt anyone else or yourself. So long as you don't hurt anyone or you do what you want.

OLIVE8585
THEY are the sad ones who have nothing better to do than gossip. It is a big world out there even though it might not seem like it....these people are very insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

There is the WHOLE UNIVERSE OUT THERE.