I'm bleeding

Mahogany

First of all I'd like to thank anyone who reads this and makes a comment and will be appreciated. I would also like to point out I realise every person goes through ****e phases in life and suffering is inevitable. There a few issues I'd like to discuss and I'd actually like to see if anyone agree's with certain things.

Basically I feel like I'm bleeding and that there are too many negative things happening in my life which is causing me to become a negative person, which is a comment people have made about me. I'm 20 years old, living in a boring suburban town south of Dublin, there's not much to do, and it costs money to leave the town to go and do stuff. I'm on the dole, I was studying last year but had to give it up for financial reasons, couldn't get a grant, but straight after I could sign on, surely that's not right? Because of this, I'm waking up nearly every day to do nothing. I've looked and am still looking for work, but we're sort of blow ins in this town so no one knows me really and it seems to be the only way to get a job these days.

On another issue, I seem to have lost all my friends. I talk regularly to about 3 people now which is far less then a couple of years ago. I think a big reason for that was because I was in a 2 year relationship from the end of 2011 until recently, I tried to keep a balance between friends/girlfriend but with some people just ended up not talking to me anymore, mainly girls.

I feel so depressed looking at facebook seeing people hanging out with huge groups of friends, sitting out in the sun and booking holidays together. All things I yearn to do, but havn't got the friends to do it. Every person I've met throughout my life I have tried my best to be nice and always tried to get along but it hasn't been enough, no one really wants to know me anymore, for example when I post a status it'll get roughly 3 or 4 likes and the same status off someone else would get 10 or 11. I'm not shallow or anything, it just hurts.

Thing is, some people who I'd run into in public, they act like I'm their best friend and that they really like me when I know they don't, it's so superficial. Over the years people have said all kinds of stuff to me like "Aw man me and you should do this together" or "We should go away together" and all this stuff then I take it up with them a month or so later and they don't know what I'm talking about???

It just seems being nice isn't enough for people anymore, you need to have some sort of quirke about you or you need resources ie. a car, which I don't have. I know some awfully annoying and dodgy people who are actually very liked among a lot of people I'm just like what how???

To sum up I've never been more lonely in my entire life. I've about 3 friends whom I really connect with and I used to have far more which have either lost interest in me or havn't grown up or are friends with completely different people now. I've never really fallen out with someone but it always feels like if I do something to annoy someone it's far more effective then if someone else did the same thing, like they'd be forgiven quicker and not me. Also, I've been told because I don't always go with the flow that's a reason why people don't want to be around me. To give the best example I'd rather go to a proper club in Dublin ie. Twisted Pepper, The Academy, places like that but everyone just wants to go to these bland generic ****eholes like Play on D'Olier street and I'm saying here no lets go to a proper place we're not teenagers but that only causes argument so most of the time I just go to town with one or two friends who are into underground dance music like me, but it's not really that fun because it is only a couple of us and everyone in these places seems to know each other already.

Anyway, I don't want to wait until I am 23 to go back to college as this one year out of college has destroyed me mentally. I'm actually planning to emigrate and feel I need a fresh start, new people, new social situations etc. cause I just can't take this anymore I feel so isolated and worthless. It's mad because my family well some of them seem to love me a lot and always ask me stuff like "All the girls must be chasing you" or "You must have plans all the time since you're young so its ok that I dont see you much" all of which just isn't true. But anyway, I just want out of here because I know I don't deserve this. Also if anyone has any advice, I'm planning to move to Brighton in England. Hoping to attend college and will probably need a job on the side.

I'm an extremely jealous person and unfairness is one of my biggest pet peeves so I think that is why it is affecting me so much. I remember this one girl I used to talk to, she was an extremely nice person and everyone gave her a lot of **** for various reasons mainly about her appearance I think tbh but I was always nice to her and it backs up my point I think how superficial people are and lads these days need to look like Gar out of Geordie shore or else they're not good enough. Does my head in.

Anyways, sorry for the rant I needed to let it out, thank you for reading.

December2012

Do you have real friendships with your three friends? If so, then focus on the positives there.

If somebody suggests you do something, then don't leave it a month to make plans - a week at most.

Are you putting yourself out there? Are you friendly, or do you just dismiss people around you that like different clubs / music?

It appears that you're quite hostile from your post - if you feel you're depressed you should go talk to your dr.

retro:electro

Why did you titile your thread "I'm bleeding" ?
Anyway, most people as they get older can count on one hand how many friends they have. Count yourself lucky that despite not having a job or being in college that you still have three good friends that you can count on.
You come off very hostile in your post, maybe that was unintentional. Perhaps thinking about getting a job if your number one goal is to expand your social network?

Mahogany

December2012 wrote: »

Do you have real friendships with your three friends? If so, then focus on the positives there.

If somebody suggests you do something, then don't leave it a month to make plans - a week at most.

Are you putting yourself out there? Are you friendly, or do you just dismiss people around you that like different clubs / music?

It appears that you're quite hostile from your post - if you feel you're depressed you should go talk to your dr.

Real friendships, but we clash on many things.

I always put myself out there always suggesting I'm up for stuff but no one really asks me out to things. Rarely.

I'm not so much depressed in that I know exactly the cure for what I'm going through and that is to get the social life I sorely crave. Hopefully I'll get it when I move.

Oh and I'm bleeding is a metaphor I feel I'm mentally and emotionally bleeding.

Rubberchikken

I got the metaphor from your title and feel it describes your personality.
I'll explain. I think you're a deep thinker and may let feelings get to you.

Do you ever look down or appear condescending about your friends choices of things to do/places to go?
It can rub people the wrong way.

While emigrating seems a good idea, unless you're happy in yourself, it's possible you'll just bring all these pressures with you.

Wishing you the best

Mahogany

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I got the metaphor from your title and feel it describes your personality.
I'll explain. I think you're a deep thinker and may let feelings get to you.

Do you ever look down or appear condescending about your friends choices of things to do/places to go?
It can rub people the wrong way.

While emigrating seems a good idea, unless you're happy in yourself, it's possible you'll just bring all these pressures with you.

Wishing you the best

Deep thinker, take everything to heart unfortunately.

I don't look down so much as thinking come on lads expand your horizons and don't just go for stuff that's popular. There's a few people that agree with that statement, but we're in the minority.

I see what you mean but the thing is I'm going to be studying when I'm emigrating, hopefully in Uni so I can join clubs/societies, go to footy games every week and the vast array of clubs will be available to me. I can't wait.

AlabamaWorley

Get a big piece of paper, write down:

1. Positive things in your life.

2. Positive things about yourself.

3. What you would like to achieve (big or small)

4. How you can achieve them. (big or small steps)

This might open your eyes to your life - hopefully in a positive way and how you can make changes.

It takes work, but it'll be worth it.

Tiddlypeeps

Mahogany wrote: »

I don't look down so much as thinking come on lads expand your horizons and don't just go for stuff that's popular. There's a few people that agree with that statement, but we're in the minority.

That is looking down on people, even if you don't say it out loud people pick up on that type of thing.

Perhaps people don't invite you places because you make it clear that you don't like the places they like to go.

I don't like drinking that much and I hate loud pubs so I've lost touch with a lot of friends simply because I'm not into doing what they like to do to socialise. It's a natural part of getting older, people drift apart.

You have two choices you can either compromise a bit more and go with the flow when you are in social situations. Or you can make friends with people that are more into the kind of things that you like to do, meetup.com and sites like that can be very good for that type of thing.

Mahogany

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

That is looking down on people, even if you don't say it out loud people pick up on that type of thing.

Perhaps people don't invite you places because you make it clear that you don't like the places they like to go.

I don't like drinking that much and I hate loud pubs so I've lost touch with a lot of friends simply because I'm not into doing what they like to do to socialise. It's a natural part of getting older, people drift apart.

You have two choices you can either compromise a bit more and go with the flow when you are in social situations. Or you can make friends with people that are more into the kind of things that you like to do, meetup.com and sites like that can be very good for that type of thing.

People do it to me a lot though so can you not see why it bothers me so much?

I'd suggest things to do but they'll say ah no that'll be boring, doesn't make me not want to be with them, just annoys me that they stick to same old same old.

Pinkmoon19

Hi OP.

I'v read your post a few times and from all different angles. First off having 3 good friends is brilliant, and all you need. Popularity is a state of mind and real friendships are so much more important. I'm 24 and I have 3 very good friends, and then a wider circle of people who I meet up with sometimes at the weekend - but we can go for months without seeing each other.

I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by constantly saying I don't want to go there, lets go somewhere "Cooler". If you are trying to make more friends and widen you network this isn't a great idea. Not that you shouldn't express your opinion or change yourself to fit it but it kind of sounds like you might be saying this because you don't want to typecast yourself as "mainstream".

You said I feel so depressed looking at facebook seeing people hanging out with huge groups of friends, sitting out in the sun and booking holidays together. All things I yearn to do, but havn't got the friends to do it. If you really just want to hang out with a big group then why do you care what the plan is, what pub you are going to etc? Maybe it would be an idea to just go with the flow a bit more.

I had a friend that I went to school with, and we were really close but when we went to Uni I felt that changed a lot. When I would suggest going out to our usual haunts at the weekend she would slag me off and suggest some quirky, "cool" place. When I would shop in Zara etc she would slag me for being "mainstream" and insist on going to alternative clothing shops, which really weren't me. If you see some similarities with this type of behavior, stop. It's perfectly ok for you to want to go to alternative music venues etc but that doesn't mean all your friends want to do it to. As a result I felt that she was looking down on me and acting very condescendingly towards me and we rarely speak now.

I'm not saying do what you have to to fit in with your friends, you absolutely shouldn't do that, it's great you have your own mind and your own taste. BUT you don't have the right to push your views on other. You say you are dying to hang out in big groups and make more friends so the next time you are invited out don't be pushy, just relax and go with the flow. One more point is that you said you went out with 2 -3 friends and it was crap because there were so few of you, I think this is more your attitude than a lack of people. You don't need to hang out in massive groups to have fun, I often go out with only 1 person and have a brilliant time. And for God's sake don't let Facebook likes determine your happiness.

I hope this all works itself out for you. But just remember "Popularity" means nothing, it's the friends that have your back when the chips are down that really matter, so focus on that.

gaynorvader

Mahogany wrote: »

{...}

Try checking out springboard. They're a bunch of short courses which are free while you're on the Dole aimed at getting you into a career.

WellThen?

3 good friends is a fine amount. Most people in large groups you mentioned are not all that close. If you're looking for a big group of mates to go and do loads of stuff with you'll have to make it happen, harder as you get older. Try meetup.com, you can meet people with similar interests.

Mahogany

wolfen wrote: »

Hi OP.

I'v read your post a few times and from all different angles. First off having 3 good friends is brilliant, and all you need. Popularity is a state of mind and real friendships are so much more important. I'm 24 and I have 3 very good friends, and then a wider circle of people who I meet up with sometimes at the weekend - but we can go for months without seeing each other.

I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by constantly saying I don't want to go there, lets go somewhere "Cooler". If you are trying to make more friends and widen you network this isn't a great idea. Not that you shouldn't express your opinion or change yourself to fit it but it kind of sounds like you might be saying this because you don't want to typecast yourself as "mainstream".

You said I feel so depressed looking at facebook seeing people hanging out with huge groups of friends, sitting out in the sun and booking holidays together. All things I yearn to do, but havn't got the friends to do it. If you really just want to hang out with a big group then why do you care what the plan is, what pub you are going to etc? Maybe it would be an idea to just go with the flow a bit more.

I had a friend that I went to school with, and we were really close but when we went to Uni I felt that changed a lot. When I would suggest going out to our usual haunts at the weekend she would slag me off and suggest some quirky, "cool" place. When I would shop in Zara etc she would slag me for being "mainstream" and insist on going to alternative clothing shops, which really weren't me. If you see some similarities with this type of behavior, stop. It's perfectly ok for you to want to go to alternative music venues etc but that doesn't mean all your friends want to do it to. As a result I felt that she was looking down on me and acting very condescendingly towards me and we rarely speak now.

I'm not saying do what you have to to fit in with your friends, you absolutely shouldn't do that, it's great you have your own mind and your own taste. BUT you don't have the right to push your views on other. You say you are dying to hang out in big groups and make more friends so the next time you are invited out don't be pushy, just relax and go with the flow. One more point is that you said you went out with 2 -3 friends and it was crap because there were so few of you, I think this is more your attitude than a lack of people. You don't need to hang out in massive groups to have fun, I often go out with only 1 person and have a brilliant time. And for God's sake don't let Facebook likes determine your happiness.

I hope this all works itself out for you. But just remember "Popularity" means nothing, it's the friends that have your back when the chips are down that really matter, so focus on that.

Thank you for this wolfen, it was a really helpful post.

I absolutely do not take for granted the fact I've got three close friends whom I can always count on, I love having them around and I'm always there for them aswell.

I don't want popularity so much, just more then what I currently have, and what I used to have. As I've said, people say it to me all the time "Aw you're music is sh**te man, We should go to <insert generic place here>,everyone will be there etc" God forbid I give out though, it's not on the same level.

The plan thing I care about is because I see people on Facebook that I know and are doing really cool things that are up my street which I can't do because I havn't got the group to do it with. That's my issue.

I know being in University and someone more vibrant will change all this though, not gonna find what I'm looking for in a boring little town.

deedless

That's the thing though, I think you are setting yourself up for a fall. Location isn't the holy grail, you are.

You say there will be loads of clubs and socs in Brighton, but chances are there were loads in the place you dropped out from too. Money issues are likely to dog any student. They certainly won't go away when you are in the UK.

You want to be in a large group, but don't want to do what the large group does. There is a reason pop music is called that, it tends to be popular.

Think about what you actually want. Is it to go to the clubs you want, or to be in a large group. At the moment these are mutually exclusive, but eventually they don't have to be. Go to the clubs by yourself. Talk to people. Try and relate to them. Make enough acquaintances there and eventually you will have friends there.

Also, and this may not be true in real life, you come across as hostile and negative. Everything bad is external and imposed. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be around someone who complains most, or even much of the time. It's much easier to become friendly with someone who is positive. As the friendshipgrows you can share more negativity, but not at the start.

Mahogany

deedless wrote: »

That's the thing though, I think you are setting yourself up for a fall. Location isn't the holy grail, you are.

You say there will be loads of clubs and socs in Brighton, but chances are there were loads in the place you dropped out from too. Money issues are likely to dog any student. They certainly won't go away when you are in the UK.

You want to be in a large group, but don't want to do what the large group does. There is a reason pop music is called that, it tends to be popular.

Think about what you actually want. Is it to go to the clubs you want, or to be in a large group. At the moment these are mutually exclusive, but eventually they don't have to be. Go to the clubs by yourself. Talk to people. Try and relate to them. Make enough acquaintances there and eventually you will have friends there.

Also, and this may not be true in real life, you come across as hostile and negative. Everything bad is external and imposed. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be around someone who complains most, or even much of the time. It's much easier to become friendly with someone who is positive. As the friendshipgrows you can share more negativity, but not at the start.

Let me clarify, I didn't drop out from University here there's a few reasons I didn't continue here big reason is weather which is linked to an illness I have that is why I need to move. As I've mentioned I live outside Dublin so to go in is quite a task but that's where the good clubs are located.

The reason why I think it will be the holy grail to move is because I can start fresh, make friends from places and clubs that share interests so I don't have to argue with people over where to go and what to do.

I'm become a negative person, I didn't used to be. But of course I know better then to project that when first meeting someone.

retro:electro

The weather in Brighton is the same as you'd get over here? Maybe worse.

Mahogany

anna080 wrote: »

The weather in Brighton is the same as you'd get over here? Maybe worse.

It's the damp that gets me.