friends

deebeeee

Okay so I have no friends, it's really sad that I have nobody to go on holidays with, to talk to, go to the cinema, go bowling, Every year, apart from my family the only person that wishes me Happy Birthday is a stupid text message from 02.. New years eve is always spent alone and I'm sitting there thinking why am I alone everyone is at a party with friends.. How don't I have friends.. I have already joined clubs and societies and I chat to people there, they are very much acquaintances, they already have friends outside the club, the reason they are joined is because they want to play the sport that's it, so I can't come along and ask do u want to go out some time or go to the cinema, I would come across as being desperate or clingy, it turns people off straight away, In recent years I haven't gone on any holidays cause I have no friends and don't want to go on my own.. it really is extraordinary that I don't even have one person I could call 'a friend'.. life becomes meaningless when you don't have anybody to talk to or share anything with.. i'm always meeting new people but it goes nowhere cause they already have friends and it's presumed that I do too!!! I certainly could not ask them 'hey do wanna go on holidays with me I have nobody to go with' they would think I'm a freak.. i just need to find people who are on the exact same wavelength..
when giving advice to this thread please stop saying join clubs and meet new people because in the past 3 years I already have and I do make the effort to talk and get to know people and share jokes but soon realise that they already have friends which are really close.. they have all bonded together and I'm viewed as the outsider who is being desperate and it turns people off..

m'lady

I think your putting too much emphasis on people already having friends, is there a limit on the amount you can have? If you get talking to someone and get on well with them, then make an effort and suggest a coffee or whatever and stop worrying that you appear desperate, because it's not desperate!

Are you working at the moment, if so is there a social club in it?

R.D. aka MR.D

Hey Op,

When you are talking to people, do you think you come on too strong?

I don't mean desperate by that, I just mean maybe your approach is a little off.

When you are getting to know people, you generally build a foundation and keep building on top of that. It might be a bit much to ask some one to go to the cinema right away. God knows, I hate going to the cinema with my friend of 22years. We have no common interest in films and I end up dreading it!

My point is that you need to start small. Get chatting to some one 4 or 5 times after the club activity and then see what their interests are and if you have something in common make a suggestion to do that together.

Make sure you have their number and give them a text and suggest to do the thing that you had already talked about doing.

Did you have any friends growing up or have you always had trouble making friends?
It might be an idea to get one of those self help books where it explains how to form friendships. I think sometimes it doesn't come naturally to people and they need a little help.

Alf. A. Male

deebeeee wrote: »

everyone is at a party with friends.. ....

Bet they're not. People can be very good at projecting a different life to the one they're leading and creating the impression they're doing things you're not.

deebeeee wrote: »

In recent years I haven't gone on any holidays cause I have no friends and don't want to go on my own.. ....

Poor reason not to go on holidays. I've taken 7 holidays in the last two years, 2 on my own, on both of which I met people in the same position and we had a blast and on one of which I found a local bar full of ex-pats that allowed me to do what I wanted for the day without compromising with anyone, then hang out with them in the evening to to talk about my day and get ideas from them for what to do next, 2 with a then girlfriend which were a bit meh, 2 with a friend who I hardly saw on the first 'cos we were on different excusions and on the second more or less abandonded me and 1 on my own but as part of an adventure travel group which was the best of the lot and I came back with new friends. So 3/7 were on my own and turned out to be the best. I'm going on 2 this summmer on my own but with groups of strangers and I can't wait. There are plenty of ways to do it without needing someone else to agree to go with you.

deebeeee wrote: »

i just need to find people who are on the exact same wavelength.. ..

No you don't and perhaps this is one of the deeper causes of you issue. You'll never be on the exact same wavelength as another person, you couldn't possibly be. Difference, diversity, disagreement, compromise, all part of a friendship. Sometimes you'll have to choose between doing what you want and doing something you don't want to do, but doing it with someone you want to be with. Some friendships ebb and flow over weeks, months or even years. Wait for someone on the exact same wavelength and, well, you'll be where you are now. I recently met up with a friend I hadn't seen in about 3 years after a stupid row. We put it behind us, then a week later had a major disagreement, then the following day went for pints and solved the issue. I've needed some help from him since which he gave without hesitation. He's a good friend and I'm lucky to have him, but I expect we'll always carry on in a somewhat chaotic fashion

deebeeee wrote: »

when giving advice to this thread please stop saying join clubs and meet new people ..

Perhaps it's just how you write, but a few phrases in your post are slightly odd and this line in particular is quite intense, a little rude even. You came asking for advice, but up front say you don't want to hear advice that doesn't suit you and you phrase it quite abruptly. If this is how you come across in real life, it won't be helping you, it's off-putting and you may be seeing the results of that, rather than friendships not forming for the reasons you think.

Merkin

m'lady wrote: »

I think your putting too much emphasis on people already having friends, is there a limit on the amount you can have?

I totally agree with this and it's something that really stands out in your post OP. It's like you're approaching social gatherings like you would if looking for a partner and with that you're expecting something akin to exclusivity, 'oh, they've friends already, they're taken'. That's such a strange of approaching it and very intense too.

I find it very easy to make friends, some that go back as far as school, others more recent. And I'm always OPEN to meeting new people as I fundamentally find people very interesting, everyone has a story to tell and we as human beings are a collage of everyone we meet. A such, I've lots of different friends from lots of different groups and stand-alone friends too that I've met through work, activities, drunken banter....you name it.:)

I think you need to change your approach. Just strike up conversations with interesting people and let things happen organically. No thinking about existing groups of friends or whether they will want to go on holiday with you, live in the moment, be interesting and interested and it will happen for you, you do need to be less intense and anxious about it though.

Wanderer2010

OP, I think its your mindset when at these clubs etc that may be bringing you down. Yes, a lot of people who play sport, go to evening courses etc just go for the activity alone and then home but if you also have this attitude then you wont be as disappointed if nothing further develops and if it does then its good luck. Why not try a meetup.com group, most of them dont have established groups and you might get the chance to relax a bit more and see what happens. Its very cliched but its vital to just be yourself- those that are decent will stick with you and those that dont like you then just forget about them.

By the way whats wrong with going on holiday alone? Do you think that being with people automatically makes it a "normal" holiday? I have lost count of the number of people I know who have fallen out on holiday over countless issues like where to go, what rooms to share, food, pubs etc. At least on your own you can plan your days out and be your own boss. Imagine spending a week or so with someone who seems ok normally but is a control freak on the beach etc. Plenty of people go on holidays alone, it doesnt lessen the experience and often enhances it..

RossFixxxed

deebeeee wrote: »

when giving advice to this thread please stop saying join clubs and meet new people because in the past 3 years I already have and I do make the effort to talk and get to know people and share jokes but soon realise that they already have friends which are really close.. they have all bonded together and I'm viewed as the outsider who is being desperate and it turns people off..

3 Things here:

1) So you want to meet people, but not go out to things where you can meet people? That..... doesn't.... work.

2) Of course they have close friends, but they weren't assigned them at birth. They bonded over time, ups and downs, common interests and an interest in things that the other likes, and things you hate. There are NO perfect matches. My GF is totally different from me, we have NO common interests at all! BUT we share a sense of humour and we can argue things out without shouting or any hassle, we work great but not on paper.

3) You come across as angry at others and at yourself. Your post is very intense and judgemental and that is quite offputting. If your post was a conversation with me I would be quite wary of you and your attitude to be honest. It comes across like someone who is way too clingy "they already have friends" - so what? I have friends, doesn't mean if I click with someone I'm going to say "sorry but I have x number of friends, should an opening become available then I will advise you." Your anger is for a reason, and I really sympathise, however it is that anger an intensity that isn't helping! Meeting people CAN be hard, hell I'm a complete jerk at least 50% of the time and I get on OK with people but you have to make an effort.

When I started college, I'd meet people I didn't know well and get chatting. Then I'd say hey I need to go into town to get X, Y or Z, do you want to come along and help and we can grab a coffee/pint/food/whatever while we're at it. Made a lot of great friends.

Ask them somewhere before asking about a holiday! Say hey, I don't know many people here (friends have moved away, grown apart etc) and I'd love to go see "movie x" if you fancy it and so on. You can't just be 100% friends after 2 minutes.

I'm still stumped why people having friends already is an issue. My group has had people join in who we can't remember them not being there at this stage! It's a process not a binary switch.

Your mindset seems off, if I go to a movie thinking "I'm going to hate this rubbish" then I probably will.

Can I ask you a few things out of left field:

1) Do you have any mental health issues? I ask as you are SO harsh on youself.
2) Do you judge other people harshly?
3) Are you boring to be around?
4) Do you take an interest in things others enjoy?
5) Do you jump in too fast rather than casually chatting to others?
6) Do you come across as condescending / judgemental of others?
7) Are you a good listener?

santana75

deebeeee wrote: »

when giving advice to this thread please stop saying join clubs and meet new people because in the past 3 years I already have and I do make the effort to talk and get to know people and share jokes but soon realise that they already have friends which are really close.. they have all bonded together and I'm viewed as the outsider who is being desperate and it turns people off..

I understand were you're coming from with this. It does come across as a little dismissive when you're told to just join a club. Plus the meet-up line is always rolled out too. However there is wisdom to joining clubs, so it is good advice but I think it should be a club thats authentically you, so that you're joining first and foremost for the love of the activity itself and meeting people is a by product of that but not the primary goal. I think when you come from that angle you're more relaxed and not so worried about meeting people or making them your friends.
Theres been good advice given too about not being so intense or coming on too strong, but having said that I havent walked in your shoes, I dont have your life so I dont know how urgent it can feel for you to make friends, it sounds pretty urgent to be honest. And if thats the case then I'd look inward. Reading between the lines it seems like you dont have a close family and maybe when you were growing up you werent loved or nurtured or even parented like you shouldve been. And that can leave a crater like hole in your soul which you'll try to fill with other people. But you can never fill that hole with anybody else, You have to basically re-parent yourself, create an inner nurturing voice and heal all the wounds from your past. Otherwise you'll be chasing people for the rest of your life, and they'll pick up on that and run a mile. Anyway I hope it all works out for you, just remember that its about the internal stuff not so much the externals.