Help, what should I do?

fuzz11

Really would appreciate some advice and a different perspective

With my boyfriend for 10 years, recently bought a house together, he is all excited about moving on with our lives, marriage, babies etc but im not there yet.

I feel that we are both different people- he used to be really fit, into sports, had his group of friends and all that - I used to be a lot quieter but with a bit of life experience and maturity, I feel that I have almost outgrown him. He rarely has anything interesting to say to say eg fun thing that happened at work, or something on the news, or exciting plans for us for the weekend.....I am a chatty person and when I bring up this kinda mundane stuff I can see his eyes glaze over and that really annoys me..
Anyway I am bored and afraid to take the next step in our relationship, believe me I amn't that young that I can afford to be throwing away a relationship but I think I may scream if this one doesn't liven up a bit soon!!!!
I have said to him about showing interest in the news and so on but it lasts about a day and then trickles out... I want my alpha male back!!!

TIA

ElleEm

Why don't you look into taking up a hobby together, or start meeting up with friends together more regularly? It is so easy to fall into a rut when you are in a longterm relationship, and it certainly sounds like that has happened with him. Does he ever meet up with pals? What stopped him playing sport? How is his overall mood?

LegacyUser

I dunno OP, there seems to be a lot of hypocrisy in your post. It sounds like you expect you bf to entertain you, 'be fun'. Why does he have to entertain you? He's your bf not a court jester. Are you lacking something in your own individual life, lack of friends, hobbies perhaps, why do you expect him to fill the lack of fun/entertainment void? Do you do fun things with your friends discuss mundane news/work stuff with them?

I'm only with my current bf a year that honeymoon period but jeez even my eyes would glaze over if we started discussing news/ work issues, that sounds far from fun to me. The kind of dull c**p you discuss with work colleagues cos you've nothing else in common. I can't imagine finding quiet time with my bf so uncomfortable that i'd have to fill the silence with inane chatter.

You say you feel you've outgrown him that you're more mature. But then say that he wants marriage babies etc. and you don't yet. Have you considered how immature and dull you must come across to him OP? He wants to move on in life have the fun and excitement that goes with starting a family and building a life with a partner and all you want to do is talk about "fun" (mundane) work anecdotes and news headlines!

It's been ten years OP and you still aren't ready to build a family/proper life with him. It honestly sounds like he's out grown you rather than the other way around IMHO. You want him to liven up, sorry OP don't k ow what age you are but to me as a 29 year old women that sounds so so teenager-y. You're not 15 anymore! He wants to deepen your relationship and you're still stuck in teenager 'bubblegum' relationship mode, and somehow he's the immature one?

Maybe the reason you're so 'bored' is because you've reached a roadblock, you feel your relationship is stale(and probably your bf too) but maybe that's because you refuse to take the next natural exciting step, so what else do you expect?

Hope I don't sound too harsh OP but I'd hope that if me and my bf made it to ten years, his idea of exciting conversation would be making plans for our future, our marriage, our home, and our kids - not the 9 o clock news headlines.

December2012

This can happen when you move in together. Particularly if you're together a long time. And it's natural - you've been there for each other's experiences so it's not like when you're dating and he can regale you with tales of antics on mad lads holidays past.

You know each other's lives now.

So, what do you do? Well you find something new to talk about together (personally not the news - it's dour and depressing and opinion based so its not conducive to relationship chats).

Go walking together, start watching a great TV show together that you think you can discuss after - like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, mad men, etc.

Take turns making new dinners from a recipe book - then you can talk a bit about the food, the wine, why this dessert goes with it....

And something we did in our situation is we got some board games. It's a great way to interact, give each other attention, do it anytime without need for going out, getting dressed up, and needs no further equipment. You gave to talk with each other about the game and there is no pressure on either of you to come up with entertaining banter for the other one.

LegacyUser

Some good tips there by December2012. Plenty of things you could do together for a bit of interest. Could you do some travel together, like getting away on a few nice weekend breaks, or if money is tight even just a few nice day trips to places that are either cheap or free?
You could both find new hobbies that would give you things to chat about either.

Is it only now though when you things are about to get very serious that you are getting these feelings?
Might they be a subconscious excuse for what is really just cold feet about the whole situation?