Boyfriend and his ex

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. Everything is good in our relationship apart from this issue.

A couple months into our relationship I learnt about his ex-girlfriend. They had broken up a few months before we met, he dumped her because he wasn't into it anymore. She went a bit crazy when he dumped her and started talking bad about him in their circle of friends. Apparently she couldn't handle not being in touch with him and so, he thought it would be easier for them to stay in contact and for him to "play nice" with her to stop her doing stupid things. That's all I know about it.

Anyway, recently I've noticed that she is texting him quite a bit. I see her name pop up on his phone a lot. It annoys me but I never want to tell him to stop speaking to anyone so I try to deal with it. But now she has started to text/ring him in the middle of the night. I've seen some of the texts on his phone as they wake me up when I'm staying in his and I look to see who's phone it is. Mostly they're her asking him can they talk. At 4am. I brought it up with him and he says it is just drunk texts that he always ignores. He keeps saying it hardly ever happens but I often hear his phone buzzing in the middle of the night and I know it's her.

What do I do here? If I was in this situation with an ex-boyfriend I would have told him to eff off a long time ago. Why hasn't he done this? I do trust him but I worry that he is still holding on to feelings for her. I was away last weekend and I spent a lot of time worrying that she would drunkenly text him again but this time he might answer. Help please!

blatantrereg

Playing nice with someone who is apparently bullying him for attention is not an effective strategy. Cutting contact and ignoring them is usually the best idea.

You've every right to be upset about it. She's not treating him as someone she wants to be just friends with. She is being highly intrusive into both your lives. He is indulging that.

Dixie Chick

I agree, he is indulging her. I would say he needs to tell her stop, she sounds like a parasite who will suck the goodness out of what ye have. I would nearly consider that you ring her yourself if your bf is being a baby about it and ask her to kindly FO

kiffer

It all depends how crazy she is... sadly.
If telling her to feck off makes it likely to push her over some edge into more extreme behaviour he may be unwilling to do that.
Ask him what actually happened after the break up?
He could just be hoping that she'll drift away without a massive scene that she may have a history of creating.

LegacyUser

In the nicest way possible OP - her carry on needs to stop

I had a similar situation with my bf, his ex dumped him and then continued to contact him for months after (I was with him at this stage)

She wouldnt take no for an answer when he kept telling her "have a nice life, but I dont want to be part of it" and I'd be there when he would say these things to her.

So I politely sent her an email and just said go enjoy your life abroad, but without my bf in it. She replied and said the only reason she contacted him was because she felt guilty for dumping him.

Again politely I just told her thanks, but my bf doesnt require your guilt

Never heard from her again. Most here wouldnt agree with what I did but at the end of the day - it worked!

I knew it was making my bf uncomfortable and he was mad about me, he didnt want her jeopardising what we had so once I saw that she wouldnt listen to him, I decided I would nip it in the bud. No hassle since then!

Brego888

I wouldn't recommend doing the above in this situation.

LegacyUser

I am in this situation with an ex. He keeps contacting me but I ignore it and hope he will just stop, I don't tell him to as he went crazy over the break up and I don't want to speak to him again, I think any attention might make him worse.

Your boyfriend may be feeling like this - hoping she will just leave him alone. Wouldn't worry too much about him having feelings for her - that kind of behaviour is not endearing.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for replies.

I wouldn't consider getting in touch with her myself.

I wouldn't mind if he was just ignoring her until she goes away. But he does talk to her sometimes. He ignores the 4am calls and texts but if she texts during the day to talk about random things he will probably reply. He says he does this to stop her going crazy. But it's probably just encouraging her.

He says she knows about me but sometimes I wonder. Why the hell would you repeatedly call someone at night when they are most likely with their girlfriend? It's wrecking my head, I feel like I'm in competition sometimes. Last night he took an hour to text me back, probably for a perfectly innocent reason, but in that hour I convinced myself he was with her. Stupid.

cactusgal

I dunno, OP. I have an ex who still contacts me, but I never, EVER reply because 1. I don't want him in my life and 2. I am head over heels for my now-boyfriend and I would never want him to worry in any way about my ex.

I'd expect my boyfriend to be the same with me.

such is life 2

id be telling him that it makes you uncomfortable that his ex of that long is still contacting especially at 4 in the morning. Id be telling him to cut all contact and its not a trust issue ts just the right thing to do as its disrespectful to you imo

LegacyUser

cactusgal wrote: »

I dunno, OP. I have an ex who still contacts me, but I never, EVER reply because 1. I don't want him in my life and 2. I am head over heels for my now-boyfriend and I would never want him to worry in any way about my ex.

I'd expect my boyfriend to be the same with me.

I wish this was how he felt about it!

Tiddlypeeps

I would put my foot down about it. Tell him you want him to cut contact with her.

It would be different if he wanted to be friends with her, but that's clearly not the case. She clearly wants more and he is clearly just putting up with her to keep the peace.

He has a choice to make, he either hurts your feelings to save hers or he hurts her feelings to save yours. If he insisted on continuing to do the former then I would very much be questioning his feelings for both her and you.

Katgurl

well you haven't told him you are bothered by the continued contact so that is your first step.

If he still continues after you explain your feelings then that is a whole new issue...

Linka

donnadraper wrote: »

I wish this was how he felt about it!

You're going to have to bring this up with him. If what he says about it is accurate, then she is emotionally black-mailing him. More importantly, it's having an impact on your relationship. While I understand that you don't want to tell him who he can and cannot speak to, this is different. The girl seems to have an unhealthy obsession with your boyfriend and you need to communicate how this is making you feel. It's not right that he should have to "play nice" with her, and it's certainly not right that you have to stick it either.

CaraMay

And tell him to put his phone on silent until she gets the message.

desbrook

1 - Ask him are the texts in the middle of the night bothering HIM and would he like them to stop .

2 - He says yes (he better!) .

3 - You say grand I'll CALL her back then and there and see WHAT WAS SO URGENT SHE NEEDED TO TALK AT 4am ??? !!!! ???

Believe me OP she needs to realise you exist . Maybe if you rang her back all concerned because BF is in the shower it might wake her up to the fact that you are a couple. If my ex was doing that to me I'd be have no problem with my gf calling her back or answering and passing the phone to me in the bathroom etc .

ABajaninCork

Can he not just block the number if he doesn't want contact with her? Simplest solution...

we'llallhavetea

They give up eventually when they realise there's no hope. He needs to stop being nice to her, stringing her along like a desperate puppy tbf.

Pawwed Rig

I always had the philosophy of cutting all contact after a break up as it is in the past and it may interfere with present and future relationships. Why jeopardise future happiness through past mistakes. I think your boyfriend needs to tell her to stop. What she does is her business.

Mozzeltoff

My OH had a similar enough problem to this when I first got with him. One particular ex was persistently texting him and trying to get him to "help out" around the place. It did bother me a little but my OH said that if he didn't Kowtow to her she would apparently "go off the deep end." This went on for a few weeks. One evening she crossed a line and I finally lost my patience. I told OH that he's not responsible for her or her feelings. If she threatens this that and the other, so be it. He wasn't her keeper. I told him that he'll end up loosing me if he kept placating her. He did cop on and he started ignoring her. She did throw a lot of tantrums and she did threaten this, that and the other but once she realised that OH wasn't giving her any hop, she stopped and moved on with her life.

Your OH has no duty to this woman. Her feelings are HER feelings. Your OH is not responsible for them. If she does threaten to do x, y and z, so be it. I know that sounds cruel but it's just an attention seeking ploy to make him feel guilty. You guys have your own lives to get on with without this crap. Tell him how much it does bother you and tell him what everyone has said here. He needs to cop on and ignore her.