smelly situation

sammyjo90

How does one go about telling someone they smell?

This is quiet embarrassing as the person in question is my father.. For a very long time now the most he'll do is have a poor mans bath once a week and its really starting to get worse seeing as its getting slightly warmer.
Smoking in the house has also stopped in the last month so not having that mask it is making my mother and i notice it more.

My father can be quite tempremental and gets annoyed when any one brings up a problem or criticises him so I really don't know how to approach this!!

ABajaninCork

How about you and your Mum approach him together? As a matter of interest, why does he bathe only once a week? Does he 'top and tail', or does he shower? And how often are his clothes changed?

sammyjo90

Top and tail, and more than likely because he cant be arsed. Pure and simple its out of laziness I think. Clothes arent changed as regularly as we'd like. But as soon as they're off we've whipped them in the wash..
He used to have a bath but his knee is dodgy so getting out of the bath id say was a struggle. There is no reason for him not to get in the shower at all.

I bring other things up with him and he feels like im attacking him so i dont know what having me and mum sit him down will do!

ABajaninCork

He may very well find it painful to get in and out of the shower then. Have you considered that? My father has an artificial hip, and has real difficulty getting in and out of the bath. In fact - he can't at all!! And we'd be frightened of him falling...

So when he moved to his new flat, we asked for a wet room with a bathing stool which works well. Another option would be to get a bath panel with a door, and a folding stool so that he can open it, sit in the shower and bathe.

Instead of telling him: 'Dad you smell, and need to bathe and change your clothes more often'; maybe you can start by stating the facts, and then putting forward suggestions on how to overcome the painful knee in getting in and out of the bath. He might be more receptive then.

sammyjo90

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Instead of telling him: 'Dad you smell, and need to bathe and change your clothes more often'; maybe you can start by stating the facts, and then putting forward suggestions on how to overcome the painful knee in getting in and out of the bath. He might be more receptive then.

Yeah i agree i cant just come out and say it , its just going about bringing up the whole thing..i dont know how to.
Even if i do, I fear its gonna be like eveything else he's had to change and last a week and go back to not doing it.
Really don't know why we let it go this far to be honest..sick of things falling on deaf ears maybe

myshirt

Dead serious with this suggestion...

Could you ask your mother to suggest they shower together, under the guise of spicing up their sex life?

When I was trying to get my wife to lose weight, rather than say 'Love, you are fat, get the weight off', I instead approached it by saying to her, 'Do you want to join a gym together? I think it would be good if we made some lifestyle changes'

Once you communicate that you are 'in it together', sometimes you get a better reaction and will be less likely to hurt that person.

Best wishes

sammyjo90

Parents are in a loveless marraige unfortunately and have been for many years.. so that suggestion is a no go

freshpopcorn

What age is your dad?
I know some older people who would only have a bath/showed once a week or even longer because that's how they were rared and they actually don't relies how much people actually cleanes themselves now a days.

AlanS181824

Just say it to him on the off, maybe be like... The heat! Has me taking several showers a day or something like that. Then be like oh... Do you get effected by the heat?

If you blatantly tell him he smells then for obvious reasons he'll be defensive.

Midnight Sundance

I think I would go down the route suggested earlier about suggesting changes to the bathroom. Talk about how you've noticed his knee seems worse lately and ask his opinion about what type if bath/shower would be better. Wet room was a great suggestion .
Now that's me making a big assumption your family can afford a new bathroom. ( and I suppose a very expensive way of avoiding a full on confrontation)
The other thing you could do is just bite the bullet and tell him he's smelly, listen to backlash and hope it will have sank in.

Lou.m

Tell him he must shower or bath once a day end of. ???

username123

Lou.m wrote: »

Tell him he must shower or bath once a day end of. ???

Oh come on, first of all there is probably no reason for him to bathe every single day, and secondly, how well do you think commanding such a thing will go down?

Id go down the route of asking him if his knee is causing him problems where bathing is concerned. If he asks why tell them that you think his personal hygiene has been slipping a bit recently and you are concerned that its the knee thing, and is there any way you could help like getting a plastic garden chair for the shower?

You may have to accept that he wont change this. My own father neglected his personal hygiene as he got older because he was an alcoholic and he only cared about drinking, but even prior to that, he just didnt bother a lot of the time.

My father in law can be neglectful of this also - not so much the bathing but clean clothes. We are just blunt with him, we sniff him and say "that jumper smells musty, it needs a wash" and leave it at that. He always puts in in for the wash that same evening and if he doesnt and we see it on him next day we say "get a different jumper, that one needs washing".

On a side note, if your parents marriage is loveless, would they not split up?

retro:electro

Hi OP I recently went through this issue with a family member and it was not easy. Mine was a female however so it was probably slightly easier than your situation as we would buy her lovely bath sets and perfume and body washes in the hope she would use them! I'm guessing you can't do this for your dad.
It got to the point where the smell was really bad and there was a family wedding coming up and we knew we had to say something but it's so hard because you don't want to hurt their feelings, and even worse for you as you say it may fall on deaf ears. In the end we just had to say it out, my older sister took this person aside and said that they were noticing a smell from them lately and they just wanted them to know so they weren't smelling at the wedding. The person took it okay I suppose but she was definitely embarrassed, but the good news is she doesn't smell anymore.

Your dad might be going through a bad patch and a bout of depression after his knee issue so perhaps he's just not interested in taking care if himself anymore? I would recommend you bring it up with him anyway because dancing around the issue doesn't seem to work esp if they don't even realise that they smell.

sammyjo90

username123 wrote: »

Oh come on, first of all there is probably no reason for him to bathe every single day, and secondly, how well do you think commanding such a thing will go down?

Ha thanks i was just about to say that! I'm sure my 70 yr old dad would love to be ordered around like that!

username123 wrote: »

On a side note, if your parents marriage is loveless, would they not split up?

that would be far too easy, and good for everyone wouldn't it? but thats a story for another time!

anna080 wrote: »

In the end we just had to say it out, my older sister took this person aside and said that they were noticing a smell from them lately and they just wanted them to know so they weren't smelling at the wedding. The person took it okay I suppose but she was definitely embarrassed, but the good news is she doesn't smell anymore.

I think thats what I'm gonna have to do..get my older sister involved. She doesnt live here and every time she comes down he always seems to listen to her when voicing the exact same thing as we do. I really feel like we just pick on him all the time and when my sister says it he realises that thats not the case.

anna080 wrote: »

Your dad might be going through a bad patch and a bout of depression after his knee issue so perhaps he's just not interested in taking care if himself anymore?

This is exactly it, he is of the impression he is not long for this world and refuses to do anything..to himself or to the house etc. he thinks whats the point? he could have fixed his knee..he didn't.
and I know now people will probably suggest he go speak to his doctor if he feels like that, but he won't. He's too old and stuck in his ways to change anything and it is so god damn frustrating!

username123

sammyjo90 wrote: »

This is exactly it, he is of the impression he is not long for this world and refuses to do anything..to himself or to the house etc. he thinks whats the point? he could have fixed his knee..he didn't.
and I know now people will probably suggest he go speak to his doctor if he feels like that, but he won't. He's too old and stuck in his ways to change anything and it is so god damn frustrating!

Without giving medical advice so I will keep this very general, but I strongly suspect mental health issues are at play in older people who stop taking care of themselves and their home. I fully understand that limitations come with age and perhaps its not physically possible to be on top of the house/garden/body a lot of the time, but the basics should always be taken care of when possible, in this case, keeping the body clean and well running. Ignoring personal hygiene is really a health issue too, as a dirty body can lead to illnesses, bacteria etc....

Unfortunately in such a case, the person will usually refuse to see that anything is wrong.

sammyjo90

username123 wrote: »

Unfortunately in such a case, the person will usually refuse to see that anything is wrong.

Yup, and getting him to see that is gonna be the hard part. Can't help someone who doesnt want to be helped right?

Was thinking of maybe talking to his doctor to try and get him to talk to him ..but he cant exactly discuss dad with me can he..

username123

sammyjo90 wrote: »

Yup, and getting him to see that is gonna be the hard part. Can't help someone who doesnt want to be helped right?

Was thinking of maybe talking to his doctor to try and get him to talk to him ..but he cant exactly discuss dad with me can he..

He doesnt have to discuss your Dad with you, you are just relaying your fears to him. You can do that, but its likely it wont make any difference, the doc may bring it up but doctor visits are private so your Dad can just ignore it, say nothing and pretend it never happened.

sammyjo90

Yeah true..he ignores his advice now as it is..
It would be great if someone outside of the house coud say it to him but the thing is when he's got to go somewhere he'll have his "wash" beforehand..its just at home he doesnt seem to care and we dont get enough visitors for anyone else to notice

Rubberchikken

You say your parents marriage is loveless. How is your dad's mental health? Would he need to speak to his gp?

Pawwed Rig

username123 wrote: »

Without giving medical advice so I will keep this very general, but I strongly suspect mental health issues are at play in older people who stop taking care of themselves and their home.

I would agree with this. You said he is in a loveless marriage so based on that it is not your mothers place to broach this subject with him. How does she generally treat him at home?
Are you close to your Dad or do you typically take your mothers side? Your descriptions of him here would indicate that you look down upon him which may be demeaning for him in that he feels picked on (as you say).
It does sound like he has given up and is beyond caring what his wife or anyone else thinks of him. He sounds like a deeply unhappy person.

sammyjo90

My mother has said it to him before, quite a few years ago and it worked for a bit so she thinks exactly the same as him "why bother trying again?"

I know he's unhappy, he has told me countless times that he is..and when i suggest changing things, get out and do stuff its met with nothing but negativity.

I do take my mothers side because he makes it very hard not to. Ive had to listen to him throw the fact my mother took him to hospital when he was having a heart attack back in my mothers face countless of times!! he used to drink and drive 3/4 times a wk and resents us for getting him to stop..we were talking rubbish that he could kill himself or someone else apparently.
He expects my mother to do everything for him, he wont even go to the shop for his own tobacco, which is unfair as mum has recently given up and there is a perfectly good car that he could use.
He point blank refused to go to my sisters graduation, and he wasnt going to go to mine until i pleaded him that i wanted him there and then he spent the whole day complaining.
He could change things, he has old man friends, it is not our fault that he sits in the house all day but when he refuses to even go to the shop what are we meant to do?
I know my mother would be better off leaving off leaving but they are just as stubborn as eachother and won't.

Pawwed Rig

We are kind of off topic but I feel the smell part is just a symptom rather than a cause. Your last post was very telling and it shows that you really have a low opinion of your Dad. Why do you take your mothers side? Why are you even involved in the conversation? Your Dad is an adult who can do as he pleases. It sounds like he is in a lonely situation and is being constantly picked on (maybe even bullied) by the people in his life. The one thing he has control over is his personal hygiene. I would suggest staying out of it and saying nothing to him as it really is not your business.
I would further recommend trying to have an adult relationship with your father and your mother rather than taking sides in the breakdown of their relationship. It is not your place to tell him what to do.

sammyjo90

I have an adult relationship with my father, We talk about/watch rugby together..i even watch cricket with him sometimes and other things. its not like i spend all day every day picking at him and the things he does. If i did i would have already told him he smells. And my mother doesnt do it either because she doesnt see the point anymore.
If im not allowed to bring up things that bother me in our own house then thats ridiculous.
I don't snap at him when things are wrong. I go into him and ask if we can have a chat. We talk it out, i mainly ball my eyes out because i care so much and we come to and understanding..but this is with things that can be easily fixed and not something as embarrassing as approaching the hygiene thing.

I dont agree with staying out of it, i live here too(for now) I shouldnt have to feel because i might upset someone that i cannot voice my concerns/opinions and instead keep schtum.

I said it before, i have tried..my dad could change so much if he WANTED to, there is nothing stopping him pain on the knee or no pain in the knee. I certainly would be behind any changes he wanted to make and so would my mother as it would be for the better.

I no longer see a point to this thread, i got some advise and i still have to figure out how to approach this situation so Mods lock his thread when you're ready.

Thanks.

username123

OP - based on your last couple of posts:

You cant control other people. You can only control yourself.
You cannot live other peoples lives for them. You can only live your own life.
You cannot make someone see "whats best for them" - all you can do is see what YOU think is best for them - and that may not be what they think is best for them.

Sometimes we have to accept, that even though a parent or other adult is making bad decisions, we have to respect those decisions. Its certainly possible to tell someone what you think, but you cant expect them to listen and change and you cant get upset when they dont see the light.

Sometimes we end up in toxic situations. It happens a lot with people who live with their parents, or with people in relationships with each other. Because they are joined by finances, love, duty or other reasons, people dont walk away from each other when they would really be happier if they did. Sometimes people have mental health issues that they are unwilling to address and so long as they are not breaking the law, there is nothing that can be done to intervene.

You cant control any of that, and youll do your own head in trying. All you can do is take care of the most important person in your life - YOU. Id advise you to work towards moving out of the toxic situation you find yourself in. Until such a time that you can, I think you should distance yourself from making judgements about your parents and their choices - mostly just to save your own head from being wrecked.

Tokyo

Thread locked at OP's request.