Should I wait for him?

LegacyUser

Basically....I'm 32 and he's 35

We're not a couple

He admits he has severe commitment issues and over the last 2.5 years since I met him (and we were originally going out) we have become incredibly close.

Here's the thing, he's not seeing anyone else, we hook up now and again when one or both of us has a few drinks on board and he's actually not an asshole - there's been plenty of times we haven't hooked up because he's been worried about hurting me.

So, we're really good friends and when we have these conversations he says I'm the only girl he wants - but he's had this need to get away for years and doesn't feel like he can ever commit to a relationship until it's out of his system (he previously dated a girl for 5 years and they broke up when he turned 30 as he feared it was getting too serious and wanted to get away)

He says he's never had chemistry with anyone like he has with me and neither of us appear to be able to let the other go. He's planned to go away this year for 6-12 months and *hopes* he's going to be in a better place when he returns to do the whole relationship thing with me. He feels it would be selfish for him to ask me to wait as he doesn't know for sure if his travels will change his outlook but he's made it clear he wants me to wait at the same time.

I've made it clear I won't but that's the ego in me

Anyway, I'm crazy about him, I also have never had this chemistry with anyone even though this whole scenario drives me bananas!

Thanks a mill

Tokyo

He's told you that "he's had this need to get away for years and doesn't feel like he can ever commit to a relationship until it's out of his system" - why would you even consider waiting for him to come back - *if* he comes back.

Traveling and being in a relationship don't have to be mutually exclusive - for two and a half years he's had the option to go traveling and invite you to go with him. But he hasn't entertained that idea at all. It sounds like he doesn't want you right now, but doesn't want anybody else to have you either, and waiting for somebody like that is going to be a fruitless exercise.

username123

He is just using you. If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you. He is waiting for a better offer. There probably is no better offer forthcoming but he is afraid if he settles with you he will then run into his better offer and be disappointed.

All this amazing chemistry is heightened by the whole taboo aspect. Thatd be gone in a mundane day to day relationship situation.

Its quite disrespectful to you that he hooks up with you sometimes when he is not being an asshole - but you allow this so you probably need to work on your own self respect.

December2012

Maybe you are the girl he feels the closest to and thinks the most of, but all that makes you is the best of a bad lot.

You don't feel the same so it won't work.

Don't wait for him.

He's not being an asshole per Se because he is being honest that you're not enough for him.

But you're still not enough for him.

So don't let him be enough for you.

FurBabyMomma

Actually I would say he is an asshole. This is classic emotional manipulation. He says just enough to keep you interested and give you that bit of hope while at the same time being ambiguous enough to give himself permission to screw you around under the guise of 'honesty'.

He's not the only guy you'll have chemistry with. And by the sounds of things the chemistry isn't right anyway. Free yourself up so you don't miss the opportunity of meeting the one who you will have the right chemistry with - not this will they/won't they timewaster, which never works outside a sitcom.

LegacyUser

Oh girl........

He's got you hook, line, and sinker.

Having being on the receiving line of this type of shenanigans before, he is only using you.

I hoped beyond hope my guy would realise what he was missing. And indeed he came back time and time again (because I let him). And he trotted out pretty similar lines.

The realisation came very swiftly when I bumped into him and his new girlfriend! Uummmm. Wha? I had to laugh my head off at how silly it all was. The signs were flashing, like flashing in front of my face. Maybe on top of my face...and I chose to ignore them, and some how still believe him.

I know we dont know this guy. But its all pretty familiar behaviour and a common theme. Its all words built up by hope from yourself. Absolutely no action. And his words have you hooked. A shag here and there? Lucky him.

He should be desperate to be with you. Want to be with you, and feel lucky to have you, now.

Youve been warned OP!

Merkin

frustratedwiththis wrote: »

He admits he has severe commitment issues

This really really couldn't be any clearer. I know when you really like someone and they say the right things from time to time it can be hard to see the wood from the trees but its quite obvious what's happening here. He's a commitment phobe and if he hasn't found it within himself to be your boyfriend in the last two and a half years then its not going to suddenly happen, regardless of what he says or more importantly what I suspect you want to hear. You've wasted enough time on what is a non starter so I'd just cut him loose and get on with dating other people who are looking for the same things as you are.

scallywaggles

Indeed, just like he said it would be selfish to ask you to wait.

Waiting would be pointless and incomprehensible, he doesn't know if he wants to be with you now, or in the future, but wants you to wait for him just in case he decides he might like to be in a year or two... I think it is obvious that you deserve a bit more than that.

stargazer 68

You were originally going out and now you aren't. So now you are just a booty call - sorry OP but that's exactly what it is. That's okay if that's how you want it to be too but you clearly don't.

Dump the loser and find someone who will appreciate you. Trust me you will look back on it all and wonder what the hell you were doing wasting your time with this guy!

Alf. A. Male

This craic of "confessing" to his commitment issues is a sham. You interpret it as honesty, but it's not, it's just him getting his excuses in first, so when you finally get sense and knock it on the head, he can say "well I did tell you this is how it was gonna be" and he can let himself off the hook. It's working too, he has you buying it.
Sounds like you've wasted 2.5 years hoping he'll change. More fool you if you waste another day, he won't change.

Katgurl

Do not wait for him, do not allow yourself to be used any longer, do not have anything more to do with this man.

There is nothing in this for you and everything in it for him - a contingency plan while he shops around for someone else.

LegacyUser

Ah crap.....I guess I was hoping for another answer this!

Can I just answer though to the suggestion that I am a booty call. Firstly we go for walks and coffees and things and I just go home with no suggestion of sex. There has been occasions where I have gone over to watch DVD's and vice versa and we've come pretty close and then decided it will only make our situation even more complicated.

I mean, maybe everyone responding is correct and I am just so invested in this after 2.5 years I am not seeing the wood from the trees anymore but I am a pretty solid person and I believe that he fully means what he says.

I have on numerous occasions demanded that he leave me alone and allow me to get on with my life - this invariably lasts a few weeks and then he (and once or twice I myself) will reopen the lines of communication. We've actually only slept together maybe 3 times in the past year and I know he's not sleeping with anyone else. So, it's an awful lot of crap for him to deal with just so we can hang out and fight off our sexual urges together.

It's now gotten to a point where we are both acknowledging that we seem unable to let each other go, yet it's stuck in this frustrating limbo. I have definitely reduced contact on my end in the last few weeks which I feel has led him to be a lot more open emotionally saying I'm the only girl he would want to be with but he's just got this anxiety about settling down.

I don't even know how I would say goodbye again, I've just been waiting for him to go on his travels and assuming we'll just naturally drift apart then

Thanks for everyone's answers, I appreciate it's not the response I was looking for but I'm finding it really hard putting this to the back of my mind and continually accepting and supporting him in this plight to go away and fix everything. I realise it's what he needs to do and I respect that. I never ever push him to change his mind and stay with me (anymore) but we just seem to get closer and closer despite the fact that nothing can happen.

In answer to what someone said about why he hasn't done this travel thing already or with me.... I have a job (that I love) I couldn't leave for more than a few weeks but anyway his idea of travelling is in a tent - no thank you!

Also, he's genuinely financially not been in a position to go up till now - negative equity etc. He only just got approved for a career break this year and he's moved home and rented out his place to save - so in fairness, he's making big efforts to make this trip happen despite it not being convenient.

Oryx

YOU are incredibly close.
HE is just stringing you along.

What a headwrecker. Saying he has commitment issues is such a cop out. All it means is he has commitment issues TO YOU. He gets a shag, and keeps his options open, with you actually contemplating waiting on him to maybe, someday, decide he is 'ready' to commit to you. Why? Whats going to change? He will sow his wild oats? Shag a girl on every continent? Find himself?

Its all nonsense. He is wasting your time, so please dont wait around and waste any more of it.

Magicmatilda

I'm curious as to how exactly you know he hasn't slept with anyone else? Are you with him 24/7? I wouln't be surprised if you put his details in any dating sites that he would come up.

Look it really is this simple - if he loved you he would be with you, he would not risk someone else being with you.

If you choose to wait and he ends up hooking up with some other chick abroad or not coming back or whatever then at least be a big enough person to take responibility for the fact that you have allowed him to waste your time.

I've been there and done that and I know I let a guy waste my time which is why I wouldn't do it again. Life really is to short and if you want kids, at 32 you really need to be moving on. Even if you don't, stop wasting your time.

Incidentally if he is so interested in getting over his "commitment phobia" has he been to therapy to work through it?

Look I know I am being harsh and I am sorry but you really need to see that he is not interested in having a relationship with you. Otherwise he would have one.

RossFixxxed

Using you doesn't just mean 'booty call'. Stringing a woman along emotianally as well a sexually is the same thing, if not worse tbh.

You are absolutely blinded by this, and that's what's givning him his power. Assess your relationship as if your best friend/little sister or whoever, was in it... Doesn't look good at all does it.

You are being used as a convenience, emotionally or otherwise. Just because I buy you a coffee doesn't mean I givea damn about you as a person by the way.

I've seen this tons of times, hell I've been on your side of it... I never once works out. You deserve better than this, you just can't see it yet.

I need some money at the moment, badly. Can you lend me some, you seem really cool, let's have a coffee! You're an interesting great person, and I love talking to you. Let's just hang out, naah baby it's not about sex. I'd say we'd go out but I have 'issue's that I'm not going to explain. You're not allowed go out with anyone else by the way, but I might if it suits me, but forget that, tell me all about your day. That's so interesting. Tell me more.

It's not love. Let me quote a song that popped into my head: "Clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, I am what I'm after then I'm out the door again.... Nod and watch your lips move if you need me to pretend... Smile and drop the cliché til you think I'm listenin', just give me what I came for, then I'm out the door again."

Right?

December2012

Might be no sex but you are still a no strings. No strings coffee, no strings dates, no strings pseudo relationship.

And most importantly - not enough for you!

RossFixxxed

December2012 wrote: »

No strings coffee, no strings dates, no strings pseudo relationship.

That actually puts it better than I could. He has a cushy number there, and when he meets his girlfriend he has a backup already in place!

username123

Ah no sex, so youre the "pretend girlfriend" - the one he gets to do coupley things like watching movies, having nice walks and that with, but no actual physical contact.

Its still not what you want. If you cant just have a normal friendship, ie, cut out the coupley behaviour, then get out of this weird friendzone but a bit more....

LegacyUser

Yea, maybe the truth really does hurt.

I guess a part of me doesn't actually want to acknowledge that I have wasted this much of my life (and yes...at 32 when you need to stop wasting time) on him.

Thanks for all the advice. I used to say all of the above things in everyones posts to him all the time btw. But we just ended up arguing a lot and I decided to let him have things his way and try and be easy going about the situation because back then he couldn't even acknowledge he had feelings nevermind work out what they were.

Now that I put him under no pressure he talks freely and I possibly allowed myself to interpret that as something meaningful but yea, maybe I need to just walk away now.

Actually it makes me very sad

Alf. A. Male

frustratedwiththis wrote: »

Actually it makes me very sad

It'll hurt for a while, but you'll move on and end up just sad for him that he couldn't sort himself out and allow something to happen. 32 is not old, you've plenty of time to find better than what you were letting yourself be fooled into settling for.

Flippyfloppy

We've all been there.

My advice to you is date date date. Meet loads of different men, figure out what it is you actually like in a person, what qualities are important to you. (Not things like out-going , funny etc) maybe someone who is patient, kind, upfront, honest, empathetic etc. the only way to meet the one is to try and meet men, in a couple of years you'll look back and this guy and wonder what you were thinking!

Because you'll have found the guy that ticks ALL the boxes.

December2012

Of course you're sad, it's not nice to break up or realise that you've invested in a wrong thing.

Imagine this; you buy a car. It looks great and goes grand, but the engine is a bit dodgy. So you pay to fix the engine. Then the clutch goes. So you pay to fix the clutch. Then the electronics go. Do you spend more time and money fixing the electronics or do you cut your losses and get a new car? There is a perception there that having spent money fixing two problems in the car makes it more important to keep the car (already invested). But the money already spent is gone. Spending money now won't get the old money back.

Sometimes it's the same with relationships; we spend more time on relationships that we've already invested too much in.

Semele

frustratedwiththis wrote: »

Yea, maybe the truth really does hurt.

I guess a part of me doesn't actually want to acknowledge that I have wasted this much of my life (and yes...at 32 when you need to stop wasting time) on him.

I am a firm believer that no experience is wasted if you've learnt from it and grown as a person! To stay with him once you've realised that he doesn't, and won't EVER, meet your needs, that would be wasting time...but that hasn't happened. You didn't choose differently in the past because you didn't have the self-knowledge yet to do so. Consider your choice now a positive achievement, not a regretful failure.