Advice needed

emmakelly93

Well today is the 22nd of April, it is exactly one year ago today that my ex boyfriend broke up with me.

We had been together for almost three years, we had our ups and downs but I would say for 80% of our relationship we were very happy. The break up was completely out of the blue for myself, I did not expect it or see it coming at all. He told me that he most definitely still loved me but was no longer IN love with me. I was devastated but respected his decision, we had always been honest with each other so I was thankful he didn't drag it out if that was how he felt.

He had been suffering from depression on and off for approximately two years. Although he was never diagnosed during that period I was 100% convinced it was depression, my own father suffered from it for his whole life, I could see the signals and the symptoms. He also engaged in self harm, not very often, maybe two to three times a year when he was at his lowest point. At first he did try to hide this from me but he eventually admitted it.

For a couple of months before the break up I thought he was going through a bad patch, not an extremely bad one but it definitely was not a good period. His sex drive dropped considerably, he appeared to lose interest in everything and anything, losing weight, not sleeping etc. The only time he seemed to enjoy himself at that stage was when he was high or drunk. Now baring in mind at the time he was working a dead end job, had dropped out of college, he seemed to be stuck in a rut, I put alot of it down to that.

So after we broke up he initially appeared to be doing well, as much as it broke my heart to see, it was almost as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I felt like he must have made the right decision.

For the first four or five months after the break up we had minimal contact. And we both started seeing other people. The break up went very smoothly in one sense, it didn't get messy and we remained civil to each other throughout everyhting. Then maybe six months passed and we started talking a bit more frequently, not very often, maybe once every two weeks. Long story short anyway it turned out he was at an extremely low point with regards to his depression. At this stage he had gone back to college, moved out of home, was doing well for himself so it came as a bit of a surprise for me. It was probably around Christmas time 2013 that he admitted the depression was getting worse, he described it as going from one period of low to the other and all that was in between was numbness. It killed me to see him like this but I knew for my own sake aswel as his he needed to get help elsewhere.

Shortly after Christmas he sat down and told his family, he went to the doctor was diagnosed with clinical depression, prescribed anti depressants and started going to counselling. Three months down the line now and I can see an improvement in him, as can he. He is doing well and no longer feels this numbness he describes.

Over the last three months we have grown so close, we are best friend, and we can tell each other everything. He repeatedly says he would never have got through the last few months without me. I will admit we have slept together a number of times, its becoming more frequent lately.

I was very confused as you can imagine, the signals he was sending me all pointed in one direction yet he never broached the issue of "us". One night I was so worn down from it all that I mustered up the courage to ask him.

He told me for the last 6 months he regrets his decision he made, that he feels like he made the biggest mistake of his life. That he sees me as hos wife and the mother of his kids. I asked for an explanation for the break up and he said that at that time in his life he had lost interest in everything. Family, friends, food, hobbies, our relationship and he said he thought that meant he was no longer in love with me but that now looking back he blames it on the depression. He says he cant imagine not having me in his life.

So you would think I would be jumping with joy. No. We seem to be going around in circles in some sort of limbo after he told me all of this. He said that 99% of him feels like all he wants is to get back together but there is that 1% of doubt, he said hes terrified that of hurting me all over again. He told me to give him a small bit more time, and he begged me to wait for him. I just don't understand what he thinks will change if I give him time?

We also are both going away for 3 months in the summer so maybe we should take that time apart and see how things are afterwards?

Any advice would be really appreciated, especially in relation to depression and relationships.

Emma

Tokyo

Is there a question in there?

I'm not trying to be smart, but you are pretty much asking us here if you should start seeing this person again or walk away, and nobody can make that choice for you. You're on the front lines in terms of your friendship/relationship with this guy, not us, and only you can decide whether you'd be happy with him or not.

Having said that, I think you are painting the situation with rose tinted glasses just a bit. You say that you were happy together around 80% of the time, but then continue on to describe a relationship where you had to deal with a relationship where your partner was depressed and engaged in self harm, sex was non existent, and the only way that your boyfriend could be happy was if he got high or drunk. Even at a huge stretch, that doesn't seem like 80% happiness to me.

I applaud the fact that he sought out help to fight his depression, and that you helped him through that. I can't put myself in his shoes because it's something that I thankfully don't suffer from, but if you set that aside for a moment then your boyfriend has all of the advantages of being in a relationship with you without actually being in a relationship with you. He gets to sleep with you, he gets to lean on you for support whenever he needs it, he gets to go away with you for three months of the summer, but he has to deal with none of the responsibility that goes with being in a relationship. And depression or not, that's not fair on you.

I think it's make or break time, if you want to preserve your own sanity. you need to talk to him and find out definitively if he wants a relationship, and is willing to invest the time and effort that it takes to make a relationship work. You also need to take time out and realise how much effort being in a relationship with a person suffering from depression can be - it doesn't magically go away as soon as the person starts taking meds - there will still be bad days ahead as well as good. If the answer to all of that is yes, then see if you can make a relationship work. But if it's not then you need to walk away for both your sakes. He's not going to get anywhere by using you as a crutch, and you will end up sitting in limbo forever waiting for him to change his mind.