Gay Brother

LegacyUser

My younger brother came out a few years ago. He's 18 now. Our dad died 8 years ago so he relied heavily on our mam. Roll on three years ago when our mam died and I started to look after him.
I'm really proud of him, and the kind of person he is. But...
Over the weekend, I came across make-up in his room. It was hidden in a tub of celebration sweets. I thought he was just hiding sweets so I went to take some and it was full of make-up.
I don't know whether to say anything to him. It could be his boyfriends make-up. But my brother never once came across as the type to wear make-up or women's clothes.
I just have this feeling his boyfriend is making him wear it when no one is around.
I know my brother fairly well, but is there anything I can do or do I just leave it be and let him find this path on his own.
I just don't want to be out some day and see him dressed up would rather him come to me and say "right this is the story" and I'd be alright with it.

Could he be acting out due to the fact I'm pregnant and due my first baby in July and he feels left out now?

It just seems very out of character for him. He is acting very secretive the last two weeks and just doesn't seem happy.

I just want what's best for him. But he is hard to talk to and will only listen to his boyfriend.

suicide_circus

Even straight kids (lads) are wearing makeup now, makeup in his room does not mean you're brother is mrs doubtfire. He probably has it hidden because he knows his older fuddy duddy bro goes snooping in his room.

ongarboy

As he is of legal age, I think you need to let him find his own path as you put it. He is not actually doing anything wrong or illegal wearing makeup so it's not really something he needs to or is obliged to confess to anyone. Perhaps it is something he is only comfortable wearing in private and may never want to wear in public so that's a valid reason in itself as to why he shouldn't/needn't have to explain to others about it.

Maybe it's best not to speculate the reasons behind why he is doing it (your pregnancy/his boyfriend/acting unusual/unhappy) as it could be none, some or all of those reasons. I would suggest that let him know, as his sister, that you are there for him, include him in things, involve him in the excitement of the upcoming new addition to the family. Is it worth considering asking him to be godfather? - even though this is generally just a symbolic role, this could provide a boost to him and give him a sense of responsibility/esteem if you believe he is unhappy at the moment. I believe springing your discovery on him could affect your relationship negatively as it may cause him to be defensive or panic. This really is his own business and he doesn't need to offer explanation.

Flippyfloppy

He could just be experimenting with it, enhancing features etc.

If anything, at least if you do see him in public wearing make up you have a heads up whether he told you himself or not!

Just let him be. Maybe he's down because he knows some stuff in his room was moved around!!

Why would you need to bring anything up with him? If he wants to talk to you about it, then he'll approach it. It's such a great thing that you've been looking out for him since your parents died - that alone is not an easy thing to happen, and you're proud of who he is. What I would say that if you are as proud as you say and love him as much as you come across, then it's just something slightly smaller for you to be OK with.

LegacyUser

Honestly OP he's an adult and should be left to find his own path. Just because he has make-up does not mean anything. He may wear some going out to clubs, have you been to a club recently? He's 18 so him being moody sounds about normal. I know you think you know him really well but I'd be super close to my younger brother and he still surprises me what he comes out with (he's straight but dresses up for steampunk events) Or maybe he is playing around with drag and so what if he is? His life, his choice. I lived with a drag queen years ago and several good friends work full time as drag queens, it's actually something that's taken very seriously and a lot of work.

suicide_circus wrote: »

Even straight kids (lads) are wearing makeup now, makeup in his room does not mean you're brother is mrs doubtfire. He probably has it hidden because he knows his older fuddy duddy bro goes snooping in his room.

thinks it might be older sister given the OP said they were pregnant.

LegacyUser

OP I really wouldnt worry about this at all. I'm close friends with a gay lad and I was friends with a few in school years ago, they ALL wore make up! They used to look better than me ffs!

They all wore concealer, lip gloss, mascara, got their eyebrows waxed etc... They just liked to look good!

As above, if your bro wants to talk about it - he will. I wouldn't worry about it OP. Let him come to you if he needs to talk.

LegacyUser

I didn't go through his stuff. I went in to grab empty cups and dirty plates (before they become sentient) and empty the bin in his room (typical teenager room, a wreck)
The tub was on his desk so I assumed they where just sweets!
I know it's not illegal what he is doing.
I just thought maybe he is ashamed of what he is doing that's why he hasn't said anything. I don't want him to hide anything if this is what he wants to do.
As for being unhappy, he's been unhappy for the weeks before I found the make-up. It just clicked with me after I found it that he had been acting weird and unhappy.
I don't know. It could be that he just doesn't want his "stupid sister" to know anything about his life. I know kids can be like that with their parents.

Everything in our house is an open book. We don't keep anything from him. The only thing I ask is that he lets me know where he is and if he'll be home. A few times I've gone in to see if he wanted anything or to make sure he's alright and he's vanished from the house. And this is at around 9pm and he suddenly arrives back about 1 or 2. Won't answer his phone then tells me it's broke but yet can answer the phone to his boyfriend. It just means I can't lock up the house till I know whether is coming home or not. And this never use to happen at all.

Penny Tration

I'm getting the feeling that you're worried that his boyfriend is bad for him?

There's every chance you could be right. However, it's something he will not tell you unless he is ready to. I think it's great that you're so open in your home and that he knows you're there if he wants to talk. You sound like a fantastic big sister! Because of that, I'm sure that if there comes a time when he needs help, he'll probably come to you.

Until then, don't force the issue. If you question him, he could go on the defence and will not come to you if he needs help. That can happen quite a lot, eespecially with teenagers.

For now, there's not much you can do. Keep an eye on him when you can, and continue to let him know you're always there for him, but let him do this his own way.

He has been through a lot in life (as have you), it could be that he's feeling down in general, he could be experimenting with the make up (all of my gay male friends wear make up btw, it's somewhat ccommon), it could even be that you're wrong about his boyfriend. His boyfriend could possibly be making him forget the pain he's experienced, but it may come flooding back when he's home.

There are too many possible scenarios for you to confront the issue yet.

Just keep doing what you're doing. For what it's worth, he's very lucky to have you.

LegacyUser

Gay Brother wrote: »

I just have this feeling his boyfriend is making him wear it when no one is around.

...

Could he be acting out due to the fact I'm pregnant and due my first baby in July and he feels left out now?

Those are two very big conclusions to jump to just from finding some makeup in his room, I wouldn't be so quick to think that it's anything sinister or a sign that he's acting out. It's just some makeup, it's not a big deal, maybe he's simply interested in enhancing his appearance.

If it's hidden he obviously doesn't want to talk about it yet, so leave it be and he'll chat about it if he ever wants to. If you bring it up with him he might be let down by the fact that you were looking around in his things without his permission, and broken trust doesn't really lead to open and sharing discussions.

Finding makeup doesn't automatically mean that you're going to bump into him someday when he's dressed women's clothes, again that's a great leap of imagination. Even if that did happen he'd still be entitled not to talk to you about it until he feels able to. He's 18, old enough to think for himself, make his own decisions, and reveal or hide what he wants to about his private life.

I honestly don't think you should bring it up with him, given the kind of thoughts you're having about it I'm not sure that it would be a productive chat and unlikely to make him feel better. If you're genuinely worried about his state of mind or an abusive relationship then have a chat with him about that, but not about the makeup.

LegacyUser

Gay Brother wrote: »

I just thought maybe he is ashamed of what he is doing that's why he hasn't said anything. I don't want him to hide anything if this is what he wants to do.

OP I think your over thinking things or making connections that might not be there. I'm not sure why you think he would have said anything to you about it...I mean if he's wearing make-up when he goes out clubbing why do you think he would tell you? I mean does he tell what cologne he's bought to wear out or what clothes? To you boys wearing make-up might seem like a big deal but be aware among his group of friends it might not and he might not see that you would view it differently. It's not like it was hidden in his room, pretty standard to store make-up all together in a big tin like that.

I think you've got some issues with his BF and also with him coming and going without telling you. Sit him and down and chat about him respecting your home and letting you know when he's going to be out but be aware he's 18 and at this point you have effectively taken on the role of parent and that can be confusing for both of you.

LegacyUser

I will be honest and say yes, I do have a problem with his boyfriend. Only in the way of he does not allow my brother so socialise with anyone in college. He doesn't allow my brother to study. My brother has to pander to his every want and need and if he does, he has to buy him something to make up for it. The boyfriend is so controlling that my brother is always late for college coz he has to walk him to school (he's in 6th year)
But I would never say anything about how the boyfriend treats him.
As for going to clubs, nope, he doesn't have the money to go out. He gets money off me for college and credit the rest is spent on the boyfriend.
They sit in the boyfriends house al of the time.

He has to realise that yes he has to respect what little rules of the house and esp with a baby coming in July that he can't barge in and out.

I definetly won't say anything about the make-up. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing as in the house everything no matter how "tabo" is up for discussion. Like he knows everything that goes on in my life and my husband's life. He will openly ask. Where as if we ask him anything he shuts down and find us off. Even just how was college he won't answer.

I just thought things where still the way they where. I just don't get what's changed in the last few weeks. We've kept in involved in the goings on with the pregnancy, the work going on in the house, even any money issues.

December2012

Talk to him about his unhappiness then. Not the make up, not the boyfriend, just about him.

Losing your parents must've been very difficult, that's a place to start.

Obliq

Gay Brither wrote: »

I just thought things where still the way they where. I just don't get what's changed in the last few weeks. We've kept in involved in the goings on with the pregnancy, the work going on in the house, even any money issues.

For all that you started this thread about a thing you didn't know about your bro (the makeup), this is the crux of it as far as I can see. Your teenage bro is clearly having a bit of a difficult time of it, and in the general teenage way is not communicating what's going on for him. I get your concerns about his boyfriend - I wouldn't be at all thrilled if my teenage son had a romantic interest who was a bit controlling and affecting his studies/social life in the way you describe, but I'd be VERY wary of approaching him with my own opinion of his romantic partner for fear of creating more distance, when what I would want to achieve is more closeness.

If I were you, and I'm not - you are in a uniquely difficult position of being a sister in a parenting role whilst about to embark on a total change of life/role yourself in terms of your own family (fair play btw - this can't be at all easy, and I'm very sorry for your losses of your parents) - but just in terms of parenting your bro, I'd try and catch him when he's en route someplace in your house (I know teens don't keep the same hours) and sit him down for tea (tempt him with cake IMO!) when you're alone. Just say what you said there - "I just don't get what's changed in the last few weeks", with perhaps an added "I'm a bit worried about how you're feeling".

From there hopefully you can get some feedback whilst also stressing how you are determined to be still there for him (any time, day or night) but that with the baby coming, you're going to need routine and you're concerned you might not be around at the right times for him and concerned that his timetable might impact on how you are managing with baby/ and vice versa. There's a few issues here alright, but some haven't happened yet (baby), so I'd advise not putting too much emphasis on his routine just yet (although bloody hell, you need him to be doing his own washing of clothes and crockery, on time. That's a MUST. You are not his slave.)

I hope he's ok hon. You sound like the kind of older sister I wish I had, so chin up...there'll be stuff he won't want to say I'm sure, but knowing that you're there will mean so much. It does mean so much, to have some family in your life who will love you unconditionally. Good luck....

Obliq

Gay Brother wrote: »

It just means I can't lock up the house till I know whether is coming home or not. And this never use to happen at all.

Also, have you said this to him? If he's going to continue living there, he should be asked to be considerate. You're not his parent, but if he's living in your house there are rules like any parent would have to have. This is one of them, like the responsibility of making sure stuff doesn't grow a brain and become a new species in his room (not that I've exactly succeeded in getting my 2 boys to be responsible about that - thinking of making new scientific names for their socks actually!).

RossFixxxed

What has being gay got to do with this thread in the first place? You found makeup? Ok so what, that's entirely his business and nothing to do with you at all. Most cross dressers are straight anyway.

I would be IMPOSSIBLE to talk to if you had invaded my personal space and privacy that way. Frankly I'd move out and not tell you anything personal ever again. I know you thought it was sweets, but it wasn't and now you're in a situation where the thing to do is: NOTHING AT ALL.

I know my brother fairly well, but is there anything I can do or do I just leave it be and let him find this path on his own.

LEAVE IT BE.

I just don't want to be out some day and see him dressed up would rather him come to me and say "right this is the story" and I'd be alright with it.

It's not your place to be advised of these things, and if he wants to go full drag then it's up to him. You have no place in that, sorry.

Could he be acting out due to the fact I'm pregnant and due my first baby in July and he feels left out now?

I'm not psychic so I don't know, but this stood out as very self-important. He's got his own thing, and YOU seem to be the one feeling left out.

It just seems very out of character for him. He is acting very secretive the last two weeks and just doesn't seem happy.

Maybe this a very personal, private thing to him. Again: he doesn't have to tell you anything, and talking about sexual issues with you may not be what he wants.

Now the improtant bit is he seems unhappy, you could just sit down and ask if he's ok and offer to be there IF HE wants to talk about anything.

Assuming he's being forced into something by his BF seems like a wild accusation. I only have this post to go on, but you've jumped straight into some forced transgender nighmare from nothing other than a 'bit of makeup'.

What is going on in your head that has lead to this post. It doesn't reflect well on your state of mind around your brother to be blunt. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I don't get what you expect here. He is an adult, it is none of your business. Be there as a support, not prying and jumping to OTT conclusions.

That said: adressing your second post. The bf does sound pretty bad from what you've said. Inserting yourself into the middle of a relationship, even a bad one will mean that the BF blames all their issues on YOU and may unite them over a common enemy (even though you are in reality the opposite to that).

He SHOULD resepct the house rules and THAT is well worth talking about with him.

Short version: Keep out of the relationship and his room, be there for support and let him know you're there to talk to about anything at all if needs be.

It's worth remembering how stupid many of us were at 18 in relationships!

whirlpool

Make-up is really common on the club scene these days. It's just used to try to make your skin look clearer and more tanned, which is something most people would probably like. I don't have any proof that straight lads are using it, but I'm pretty sure they are. And they are certainly using fake tan!

But anyway, college kids of all sexualities appear to be succumbing to make up and facial art kinda stuff, especially in the gay club scene.

It's relatively widespread and most people wouldn't bat an eyelid if they saw a fella wearing makeup. I honestly wouldn't give it a second thought.

He could be also be experimenting with drag, which is something a lot of gay guys do, and straight guys. I know a straight drag queen.

To summarise, there is nothing you need to be worrying about. Why not bring up the conversation of guys wearing makeup with him? Start by talking about straight guys wearing it, and talk about it in a positive light.

professore

I'd be more concerned about you having to clean up an 18 year olds bedroom for him. He should be doing that himself! He's not a child anymore.

whirlpool

professore wrote: »

I'd be more concerned about you having to clean up an 18 year olds bedroom for him. He should be doing that himself! He's not a child anymore.

Yeah, he's 18, so it's his choice if he wants to clean his room or not. You can't force him to. And if she chooses to clean it for him, then on her head be it. I'm sure he's not asking her to.

I'd still be more concerned about him being sad than a messy room though!