Gf stealing from me

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I can't believe I actually writing this but here goes.

I think my partner might be stealing from me. We've been together for almost 10 months and I'm mad about her. We don't live together but she spends alot of time in my place. I own a studio apartment in town and was planning on asking her to move in soon but now I'm not so sure.

A few strange things have happened and I'm begining to feel like I'm losing my mind. I recently left an envelope in my drawer with a large amount of money in it but when I counted it yesterday, I realised that over 100 quid was missing. I live alone and haven't touched the money. My friends hang out in the front room and would never go into my bedroom.

Shirts have gone missing and old photographs of ex girlfriends. Things are also turning up in random places, like I'll find my aftershave under the bed and not in the bathroom where I left it or my shoes won't have laces in them anymore.

Another thing is that my dog seems to be getting bigger by the day. I think she's feeding him or something.

I know it sounds bad but i'm thinking of planting some money in a drawer and seeing what happens.

Should I confront her? She's coming over for dinner later?

Thanks for advice - I know it's a weird one!

Tokyo

OP, this isn't an easy situation to handle, because either way, the outcome isn't good. If you do catch her in the act of stealing from you, then your relationship is over, and if you accuse her in the wrong, then your relationship is over. We only have your post to go on as to who has access to your room, so I assume that you have your specific suspicions as to why you don't think that one of your friends could have gone through your stuff and found the money.

The problem at the moment is that you have no actual proof, and if you accuse without proof then all she has to do is deny it and you're back to square one, but with a very angry ex girlfriend. So it really comes down to whether your gut instinct tells you that you should continue having a relationship with her or not. If you do decide to continue seeing her, and seeing what happens, I wouldn't accuse her, but I would bring up in conversation that weird things have been going missing and turning up in odd places and you don't know what to think. And gauge her reaction. And either way be smart - change your pin numbers on your cards and don't leave your money or your cards lying around.

dipdip

She may be suffering from kleptomania. I would tread lightly here, but this cannot go unchecked.

power pants

Do you think she might be on drugs? Money going missing but also shoe laces could imply that.

chinacup

Is it possible the dog ate your shoe laces, money and photographs and that's why it got fat? That might also explain the aftershave.

Jokes aside I think it is your girlfriend, one of your friends or else you have a sleep disorder and are doing these things in your sleep! What other reasonable explanation could there be? Do you have a tendency to be overly suspicious of people?

If it is your girlfriend you could hide a video recorder in your bedroom with the money hidden and see what happens. That's a pretty extreme solution but if it keeps happening you might want to have solid evidence of what's really going on. Sucks if she is doing that nothing worse than seeing another side to someone you care about. +1 if she's on drugs that can really bring out the worst in people. But it still doesn't mean u put up with it though.

Sleepless and Manic

I like the idea of a discreet camera. That way there can be no doubt at all. And you'd have proof.

The after shave under the bed is weird.

Did you ever see the film "Paranormal Activity"?

professore

Yeah you need evidence - but make sure you don't get caught!

trancemuzic

Do you leave her alone in your place while you work ?

If you do my gut would tell me its her taking the cash and pictures but the after shave under the bed is a weird one

Do you think she might have another guy over and maybe he is moving things around to **** with you?

I mean she might well be taking cash and pictures but why would she move your aftershave to under the bed ?

Boombastic

check her shoes when you see her later. If she's wearing the laces, confront her.

If not, try and get proof, or just dump her

StripedBoxers

OP does any of your friends dislike your girlfriend for some reason?

If they did, what's to say they haven't been doing all this to try and cause trouble or/and a break up between you?

RubyRoss

Leaving some money out or even taking photographs of your room so you can clearly see where everything is before and after she's been over sound like reasonable actions.

Secretly filming her, however, is OTT and would scare off any future girlfriends if word got out. Even though the situation seemed justified, I would feel deeply uncomfortable about any guy who secretly filmed his girlfriend. Think about it.

Tokyo

To be honest, if you've gotten to the point where the only way you can be sure about your relationship is to set up a hidden camera and try to entrap her, then your relationship is already over.

ElleEm

Why don't you just say it to her?
"Hey, did you see money floating around? I was sure I had X amount in Y place. Just wondering did you move it?". You should say it to her in person so you can gauge by her body language as well as her response.
Avoid the crazy hidden camera stuff. You are not a spy.

Lollipops23

Camera is a big no-no. It will only end up badly!!

I'd broach the subject like this "Dya know I'm starting to wonder if I've a ghost, c'mere til I tell you the mad ****e that's been happening!" Keep it light and funny, and keep a close eye on her reactions and movements.

If all else fails, do leave some cash out where you KNOW she can see it and in a situation where you KNOW she's the only one with access. That way you'll be certain if it goes missing.

Put some money in an envelope with a note : 'I'm really disappointed you're stealing from me, and it breaks my heart that I can't trust you'

And see what happens. If she's not stealing nothing will happen, if she is it'll be really hard to pretend she didn't see that.

Pyr0

Lollipops23 wrote: »

If all else fails, do leave some cash out where you KNOW she can see it and in a situation where you KNOW she's the only one with access. That way you'll be certain if it goes missing.

I'd go with this

I usually empty my pockets when I get home of my keys, phone and whatever money I have and leave them on a table, maybe you could do something similar after a while, come up with an excuse to leave for about half an hour without the need for money

"Left something in Y's house, just gonna pop over to get it, brb."

Pick up your stuff, say to yourself but loud enough for her to hear "Got my keys, phone, won't need the money, have my card, grand! Cya!" and off you go.

If you come back and it's gone, you know what the story is.

Probably put a bit too much thought into this.. :pac:

Penny Tration

If you feel you have to leave money out/record her/test her, the relationship is over.

Chucky the tree

mike_ie wrote: »

To be honest, if you've gotten to the point where the only way you can be sure about your relationship is to set up a hidden camera and try to entrap her, then your relationship is already over.

Not sure I agree with this. End of the day weird stuff is happening and he's no idea how/who is doing it. He's been going out with his gf for 10 months so it's just not possible to completely rule her out. If he sets up a camera and find he's doing this all in his sleep/a friend is doing it then what's stopping him continuing to see her?

StripedBoxers

Candie wrote: »

Put some money in an envelope with a note : 'I'm really disappointed you're stealing from me, and it breaks my heart that I can't trust you'

And see what happens. If she's not stealing nothing will happen, if she is it'll be really hard to pretend she didn't see that.

To be honest if the OP does this, and the girlfriend or whoever is stealing it sees it, they quite possibly won't take the money or anything, they will wait until there is money lying around that they can steal, but it could be a few days, weeks or even months before they take anything again.

December2012

If you're setting bait, mark or identify it in some way that will be noticeable to you so you'll know it's your €20.00 etc.

However this won't confirm that the person who takes this money is the person who took the money before. So you'll have to think about what you'll do then.

LegacyUser

I remember a kid in our school was nicking from the changing rooms. Teachers suspected one kid for a while so they planted money (in a pants pocket) that was completely covered with UV powder - invisible except under a UV light.

When it went missing they made us all line up while they shone a UV torch on us. Kid had it all over him like a rash. Good idea i thought.

ManOfMystery

+1 for hidden camera

If she's stealing, the proof will be there.

If she's not stealing, then you'll find out who is, and she'll be in the clear.

Either way the camera isn't in itself a sign your relationship is over - it's just a tool used to find out exactly who is stealing from you. At this point we don't necessarily know that it's definitely your girlfriend.

sopretty

Don't count on being able to read body language or her reaction if confronted. I had a 'friend' like this. They are expert liars and you would actually believe black was white, so convincing they can be!

If you do manage to catch her in the act, through recording equipment for e.g., you don't have to tell her why you're dumping her. Just dump her.

Tilly

This happened to me but with a housemate. I had money in a wallet in the drawer of my bedroom and when i went to get it i was €100 down. It was tricky cause i didnt want to accuse her but i didnt want to let her away with it either.

So i stuck a note right at the front of the drawer telling her "put my money back". And left it at that. I knew if she was going in for more she'd see it and not take anything else. I didnt think she'd actually put it back (silly cow, why not just do nothing and let me think i was crazy). I found it a few weeks later back in my wallet and told her to get the F out or i'd call the cops.

sopretty

Tilly wrote: »

This happened to me but with a housemate. I had money in a wallet in the drawer of my bedroom and when i went to get it i was €100 down. It was tricky cause i didnt want to accuse her but i didnt want to let her away with it either.

So i stuck a note right at the front of the drawer telling her "put my money back". And left it at that. I knew if she was going in for more she'd see it and not take anything else. I didnt think she'd actually put it back (silly cow, why not just do nothing and let me think i was crazy). I found it a few weeks later back in my wallet and told her to get the F out or i'd call the cops.

Lol, would you call her an honest thief or one of Ireland's dumbest criminals?

Tilly

sopretty wrote: »

Lol, would you call her an honest thief or one of Ireland's dumbest criminals?

I'd call her an idiot :P

sopretty

Haha, timely news article here.

Perhaps re-think the advice of secretly recording her!!!

http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/courts/dunnes-has-to-pay-worker-8000-after-spy-camera-catches-her-eating-deli-food-30209450.html

A DUNNES Stores worker who was fired after admitting to eating deli food without paying has been awarded €8,000 by the Employment Appeals Tribunal.

The retailer has been criticised by the EAT for spying on workers after becoming suspicious that staff were eating chips, chicken goujons and other food.

The tribunal said Dunnes Stores' investigation "fell short of acceptable practice" after its head of security confirmed to the EAT that he installed two CCTV cameras in a deli and retail area and this was done at a request from the store manager.

The tribunal heard the cameras were installed unbeknownst to staff after an anonymous call informed the head office that staff were consuming food.

Chara1001

Think i'd go with the recording too,

saw this video where these people realized that someone was coming in using their pool while they were out, went through the list of suspects, set up the recording equipment which showed it was the neighbors' dog.

The point is that it mightn't be your girlfriend, and if she gets unfairly blamed and dumped for this and she didn't do it, that's just...unfair.

Of course it could be her too, if you speak to her about it and she's innocent-she's very rightly going to be angry, if she's not innocent- she's going to be very angry and point out it makes no sense for her to steal/ move your stuff where the only finger of blame points back to her. I don't think it'll help speaking to her about it.

It's really strange to have photos of your ex taken- i think that's a bit creepy.

thegreatgonzo

livingwiththelardassians wrote: »

Hi Guys,


Another thing is that my dog seems to be getting bigger by the day. I think she's feeding him or something.

QUOTE]
I don't know what you should do about the other stuff but you should ask her and your friends if they are feeding the dog when you are not around. It's not healthy for him to be overweight.

thebomb

That made me laugh not the stealing of money but the shoelaces gone missing and she might be feading ur dog lol and why have u still pics of ur ex

Lou.m

Think logically.

When did you put the money in the drawer? Exactly how much was in it?

When did you realize it was missing? Exactly how much?

Try the camera. You might be surprised about it being one of your friends. And the other stuff sounds like practical jokes.

This is what you do. Take all the notes you have and in the corner of each one put a little x or a / or star in pen very tiny hardly visible if you where not looking. Make a note of exactly how much you have and take nothing from this amount. You don't want to absent mindedly spent some yourself.

Count your money before and after ANYONE is in your place.

Check her things to see if the marked notes are there before you leave.
But there must be something about her that makes you think she is not a good person though if you think of this.

I would not broach the subject with her. If it is her she will wiggle out of it and try and make you feel bad.

If I were you I would try the camera. It might not actually be her. And you have the right to film in your own home.

Just a question...did you piss anyone off?? Or are some of your mates the joker types?? It sounds like someone wants to play with you.

Taltos

thebomb - welcome to PI/RI.
Please note due to the issues here this is a strictly moderated forum. If you have not already read the charter please take 5 minutes now, can I call you specifically to only posting constructive advice and never to use text speak - both of these alone can result in warnings / infractions or bans.

Thanks
Taltos

pc7

Is it a rented apartment? Could a previous tenant have keys or the landlord?

Flippyfloppy

Honestly, I'm quite dubious as to whether anything has been stolen at all?

Why would she steal shirts? Bit random.

Is she unemployed? Would she really take money? Are you 100% sure you didn't spend it yourself?

The only thing I'd say is probably her is the photos of the exes. Probably a 'test' to see of you'd notice they're gone! (Why were you looking for them? Why do you have them? Etc etc)

missjm

You need to establish whether she is or she isn't before accusing her.
That unfortunately does probably mean setting up a trap of some sort.

You also need to eliminate everything else. I almost brought half the parish priests in to bless a house I lived in a no. of years back. I was living there alone at the time and things were being moved around/going missing. I was convinced after a few weeks that I had a poltergeist in the house. About 6 weeks in I woke up one morning at 4am sitting on the kitchen floor surrounded by pots and pans with a bag full of some of my belongings next to me. Sleepwalking and moving things around is not unheard of.

allandanyways

Just speaking from experience, this sounds like she might have a drug habit.

Paranoia, kleptomania, out of character behaviour - could be coke, could be something else but one of my good friends used to be a cokehead and she was constantly doing weird things like that. She stole money off me, burned a carpet that her boyfriend's ex had bought him, would rearrange stuff in his apartment when he wasn't there etc.

Approach with caution, OP. If you accuse her of being on drugs and she is, she won't admit it right away and will most likely pull away from you; if you accuse her of being on drugs and she's not, then you've f-ed up there as well. I really feel for you, it's a tough situation. Good luck.

MPB

I've been in similar situation. Things going missing, one hell of a lot of money going missing, lies, complete and utter two faced personality, drugs the list is endless. Its a messy situation. In my experience I got out of it cause it wasn't gonna improve and who I thought I had was someone very different from who I actually had as a gf. I hadn't been well and this was the s**t that was going on when I was so ill. Only when I recovered did I realise it but the damage that had been done was irreparable. Trust is a huge issue in any relationship and if trust cant be in it then its not a relationship. In y situation she got her marching papers. Only difference I see here is that as of yet and I aint read the entire thread but sounds like you only suspect she's to blame. In my situation I caught my ex red handed.

Lou.m

MPB wrote: »

I've been in similar situation. Things going missing, one hell of a lot of money going missing, lies, complete and utter two faced personality, drugs the list is endless. Its a messy situation. In my experience I got out of it cause it wasn't gonna improve and who I thought I had was someone very different from who I actually had as a gf. I hadn't been well and this was the s**t that was going on when I was so ill. Only when I recovered did I realise it but the damage that had been done was irreparable. Trust is a huge issue in any relationship and if trust cant be in it then its not a relationship. In y situation she got her marching papers. Only difference I see here is that as of yet and I aint read the entire thread but sounds like you only suspect she's to blame. In my situation I caught my ex red handed.

I can tell you right now, drugs make people crazy. I had an ex that beat me and even his own mother because of the damage done to his mind. He trashed her house and furniture until she called the guards.

A drug addict will steal from you and then help you look for the money after.

And yes abusive relationships are brainwashing.

When he was coming off the drugs (which he did every so often then wnet on them again) was the worst.

The invented stories, the endless boring rants.

OP are there any other things that YOU know she does that are destructive?

Also i assume she is working? Does she seem to be living within her means? Does she never seem to have money? How is her behavior?

jane82

You are sleep walking I reckon. Get up every night feed the pooch then do something random then go back to bed.
Id record myself sleeping if I wa you.

missjm

MPB wrote: »

I've been in similar situation. Things going missing, one hell of a lot of money going missing, lies, complete and utter two faced personality, drugs the list is endless. Its a messy situation. In my experience I got out of it cause it wasn't gonna improve and who I thought I had was someone very different from who I actually had as a gf. I hadn't been well and this was the s**t that was going on when I was so ill. Only when I recovered did I realise it but the damage that had been done was irreparable. Trust is a huge issue in any relationship and if trust cant be in it then its not a relationship. In y situation she got her marching papers. Only difference I see here is that as of yet and I aint read the entire thread but sounds like you only suspect she's to blame. In my situation I caught my ex red handed.

I have been in this situation too with an ex but at the moment the OP has zero proof yet.
He needs to ensure or eliminate it is her and then take the next step.
There's nothing worse than being accused in the wrong.

MJ23

Some great suggestions on here. I think the camera would be going a bit too far though. Leave a couple of tenners in a mug in the kitchen and some more on the mantlepice and see how long they stay there.

Any update on how it's going op?

Tokyo

MJ23 - asking the OP for updates is against the forum charter - the thread isn't here for the entertainment of others. Considering your colourful infraction history here, I sincerely request that you read the charter - next breach will be a lengthy ban.

Bafucin

In college did something similar when we were sharing. For months money was going missing slowly it was larger and larger amounts. A couple of things were stolen at first, two watches , some jewelry.

We had thought we caught the guy who was doing it and kicked him out. Then about a week later it started happening again it eventually culminated in a PC going missing.

I could believe looking at the other two people I was sharing with that one of them was a complete nutter. I moved out, I should have moved out as soon as it started.

One of the guys ended up becoming a guard, I really hope it wasn't him :-(

It still can drive me nuts to this day not knowing what was going on. And i can't believe we were so gullible and easy to flease.

Chattastrophe!

If you have these doubts about your girlfriend, if you actually believe she could be stealing from you, then in my opinion the relationship is over anyways. It doesn't matter whether or not your doubts are justified - there is no trust.

I'm actually amazed that so many people would think it's OK to set up a camera to catch her in the act.

What if you did so, and saw that it was one of your friends? Would you then be honest and tell your girlfriend that you'd doubted her so much that you'd set up a camera to see if you could catch her out?

desbrook

livingwiththelardassians wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I can't believe I actually writing this but here goes.

I think my partner might be stealing from me. We've been together for almost 10 months and I'm mad about her. We don't live together but she spends alot of time in my place. I own a studio apartment in town and was planning on asking her to move in soon but now I'm not so sure.

A few strange things have happened and I'm begining to feel like I'm losing my mind. I recently left an envelope in my drawer with a large amount of money in it but when I counted it yesterday, I realised that over 100 quid was missing. I live alone and haven't touched the money. My friends hang out in the front room and would never go into my bedroom.

Shirts have gone missing and old photographs of ex girlfriends. Things are also turning up in random places, like I'll find my aftershave under the bed and not in the bathroom where I left it or my shoes won't have laces in them anymore.

Another thing is that my dog seems to be getting bigger by the day. I think she's feeding him or something.

I know it sounds bad but i'm thinking of planting some money in a drawer and seeing what happens.

Should I confront her? She's coming over for dinner later?

Thanks for advice - I know it's a weird one!

OP - take a step back and cancel the cctv camera order !

Firstly the money - I regularly make large cash deposits at the bank in connection with business . No matter how many times I check the lodgement occasionaly there's a discrepancy . Ask anyone who works in a bank - 90 odd per cent of the time it's 100 euro . for some reason its the most common amount . In a nut shell there's a real possibility that you simply miscounted . Anyway 100 euro means she's hardly a residual thief . It just doesn't add up . Did you discover the "missing money" after the other stuff or before by the way ??

For a moment please discount the money therefore and lets look at the other stuff. I think she sounds like one of those cheeky people who really make themselves at home and just don't recognise the normal barriers while you are in someone else's house. I'm not excusing her - I find those people kinda scary but they aren't thieves .

The shirts are easy - girls are famous for wearing guys shirts in the mornings . She probably brought them home to wash them and hasn't bothered bringing them back . I'm guessing make up stains that won't come out . That might explain the aftershave in the wrong place or else she hates the smell of it on you and was hiding it !

Even the dog may have been fed by her - but hey some people haven't a clue about stuff like that. If she's been left alone with the dog she needs some instruction on what it should be fed .

Then there's the laces - and I get worried OP . I've just googled the words "shoe laces drug use " and what comes back isn't pretty . Your problem is not is your gf a thief but is she a drug user ?