Young and lonely.

LegacyUser

Wouldn't wish on anyone what i'm going through. I just feel so lonely all the time. I understand that there are people in the world with worse problems than me but sometimes it doesn't feel this way. I'm only a young guy of 23. I'd consider myself relatively normal. I enjoy watching football, travelling, reading, cooking, sightseeing, walking, drinking at weekends. All the things that you'd expect really. But i'm always so alone and I suppose it becomes way more apparent on long weekends such as this. A simple login to facebook and my news feed is filled with statuses talking about sessions galore out in the sun and people going doing all sorts of activities. What did I do this weekend? Friday, sat mainly alone in my back garden in the sun, then with my parents for a bit and then I drank a bottle of wine alone. Saturday, went out for a friends birthday. Sunday - sat alone in the house. Monday (today) - also sitting alone in the house.

I have a couple of friends but I see them rarely these days as they are usually with their gf's (i'm single). And when I do see them it's for a few hours of drinking at the weekend. I've tried to put myself out there using meetup but all I done was made more people who I'd consider drinking acquaintances. I never get invited to big sessions out in the sun like most people on my facebook. I don't have anyone within 20 minutes walk of my house who I could ring up and go for a coffee or a stroll with. I probably sound like i'm feeling sorry for myself here but it's quite a painful thing to go through. In general I have no problem with my own company but I spend way more time alone than what is normal, especially at my age.

I've always gone through periods in life alternating between having a good few people to hang around with and having barely any. But this extended period of barely anybody is starting to become a bit too much for me. It just seems that everyone else of my age has already made their lifelong friends and I'm kinda just stuck in limbo not knowing how my situation will ever get any better. I guess I needed to write it down and ask is there any way I can feel less isolated. Thanks for any advice in advance.

blatantrereg

Drinking by yourself will make you feel more down and lonely.

Sun in Capri

Sorry that you are feeling this way Young and lonely. Take it from a 40 something, most people have probably felt like you at some stage. The good thing is that you want to do something about it and if you put a little effort in you will be surprised at the changes you can make.

Take your interest in Walking as an example. I am sure there would be walking groups in your area with people of all ages involved. You just have to find one that suits you, speak to the organiser and say you would like to join them for a walk some evening or at the weekend. I am sure you would be made very welcome and these walks usually end up with people going for a bite to eat or a drink and before you know it you might hear of other events happening.

Before long you wont have a minute to yourself and will look forward to a spell sunning yourself in the garden :-)

I really wish you well.

stop animal cruelty

Hey lm in the same boat as you, l know exactley how you feel.

Are you in college or working? l'm just finishing a 1 year course, it was handy cause it got me out of the house and gave me something to do. I guess it also opened my eyes to whats out there and getting to meet people.

Do you live in an isolated area? The nearest town to me is 30min away which is a pain

I find getting out in the fresh air exercising can clear the head, it doesnt fix things but it can make you feel better, like at least you've done something worth your while in the day, better than sitting around doing nothing.

You know sometimes its you that has to ask people "wanna meet up for a drink or maybe hang out". l was always the one who waited for people to ask me, after a while they stopped cause l guess it looked like they were the only ones making an effort!

Tramps Like Us

Do not drink at home alone. Only drink when you are in a good mood, otherwise you can develop a problem.

LegacyUser

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Hey lm in the same boat as you, l know exactley how you feel.

Are you in college or working? l'm just finishing a 1 year course, it was handy cause it got me out of the house and gave me something to do. I guess it also opened my eyes to whats out there and getting to meet people.

Do you live in an isolated area? The nearest town to me is 30min away which is a pain

I find getting out in the fresh air exercising can clear the head, it doesnt fix things but it can make you feel better, like at least you've done something worth your while in the day, better than sitting around doing nothing.

You know sometimes its you that has to ask people "wanna meet up for a drink or maybe hang out". l was always the one who waited for people to ask me, after a while they stopped cause l guess it looked like they were the only ones making an effort!

OP here again,


See the thing is my situation feels more pathetic in that I live in a well built up area just outside the city centre of Dublin.

I am working at the minute but I don't really get on amazingly well with colleagues. They are fine for small talk but other than that I wouldn't have much in common with them.

To the posters highlighting the drinking alone thing, I understand it is not a healthy thing to do but I rarely do it. I should not be lonely at this age and would just like to feel as normal as everyone else does with things to do at weekends, people to go for a coffee or walk with. Just simple things that I lack. It feels at my age as if everyone has their cliques and thus wouldn't even be looking for new friends.

stop animal cruelty

LonelyYoungster wrote: »

OP here again,


See the thing is my situation feels more pathetic in that I live in a well built up area just outside the city centre of Dublin.

I am working at the minute but I don't really get on amazingly well with colleagues. They are fine for small talk but other than that I wouldn't have much in common with them.

To the posters highlighting the drinking alone thing, I understand it is not a healthy thing to do but I rarely do it. I should not be lonely at this age and would just like to feel as normal as everyone else does with things to do at weekends, people to go for a coffee or walk with. Just simple things that I lack. It feels at my age as if everyone has their cliques and thus wouldn't even be looking for new friends.

Is there any colleagues your age? l work aswell and l barely speak to anyone else bar 2 or 3 that are my age....surely there must be some clubs you could join? l know its what people always suggest but you gotta give things a try...at least your not out in the country where theres feck all to do alot of the time.

Im the same age as you so your not alone, and l know theres plenty other people our age in the same suitation....

Rubberchikken

Not on fb and dont look at it but i could see how a person might think everyone they know on it is having a perfect life.

But i think its like a photo, it just captures a particular moment not their whole life and so can be misleading ifkwim.

Tou're working but are you in any club/gym/group?
Are there any people your age where you work?

SPM1959

A very common thread on these pages.

The answer is generally always the same too; though easier to write down than put in practice for someone feeling the way you do.

Essentially you need to get out there and make some new friends. Easiest way to do this is to join clubs/groups that you have an interest in. Based on your posts you have loads of interests and you are near the city which opens up many possibilities.

Join a club, meet people of roughly your own age, add them on FB, if you see they are going out for a few drinks at the weekend, ask them can you tag along.. When you are out and about - you will then meet more people and thus develop your social network.

It's not rocket science but appreciate it is not easy either (have been there!). Sitting in by yourself isn't going to change your situation though.

LegacyUser

I appreciate that the only way to improve my situation is get bout there and join clubs or whatever but I can’t help but feel bad that I am in the situation in the first place. I am most likely one of very few people of this age who have ever found themselves in this situation – barely any friends and lonely. Who else of 23 can say they have nobody to go for a walk or coffee with when they want to? House parties are a complete rarity. It’s not like I’m looking for anything far fetched, just normal things. I don’t even know any members of the opposite sex – it’s pathetic. I’m pretty sure early 20’s is a great period in most peoples lives but for me its just shrouded in loneliness, frustration and confusion.

Mahogany

Buddy, I would like to add you on Facebook, I'm slightly younger but I'm in the exact same situation, we could talk about it.

SPM1959

LonelyYoungster wrote: »

I appreciate that the only way to improve my situation is get bout there and join clubs or whatever but I can’t help but feel bad that I am in the situation in the first place. I am most likely one of very few people of this age who have ever found themselves in this situation – barely any friends and lonely. Who else of 23 can say they have nobody to go for a walk or coffee with when they want to? House parties are a complete rarity. It’s not like I’m looking for anything far fetched, just normal things. I don’t even know any members of the opposite sex – it’s pathetic. I’m pretty sure early 20’s is a great period in most peoples lives but for me its just shrouded in loneliness, frustration and confusion.

Trust me, your'e not the only person this has happened to. Reading this forum alone will tell you that.

Your early 20's still can be the best time of your life. You're very young and all your good years are ahead of you.

From today on, start feeling good about yourself and move forward. Do something every day to increase your social network.

Katgurl

Oh believe me this is not unusual. Everybody goes through these periods in life when there are less people around to hang out with. The trick is as you will discover yourself over the years to not take it personally, realise its down to circumstances and make an effort to get out there.

You've obviously got some friends (I know they are not around too much at present) so you know you can make friends.

Try a few different things -

Actually suggest a night out in a few weeks with your mates. Suggest a date etc so people can free themselves up.

Contact people you may have lost touch with - even a cousin you were once close with. Ask how things are, what's been going on, do they wanna hang out sometime if they're in Dublin.

Join a club. Do it. It's the most cliched advice because it works. Join a few till you find one you like.

In fact - what do you like? It's nice to have interests to share. Do you like going to gigs? Running?

How is your work going? If you really don't care about it why dont you consider retraining? If you are busy you won't have time to feel lonely and you may not have another opportunity in your life to do stuff just for you.

Good luck op.

the_monkey

Its all about hobbies, would you think about joining a tennis club or some sort of sports ?

Drink Red Bull

I completely understand how you feel. I am also a male in a fairly large metropolitan area in Virginia Beach, USA. I started being lonely when I was 23. I'm 25 now and I'm finally having more of a life after putting in some dedication. I used to drink alone, and still do from time to time. Just don't drink too much. I had to slow down when I realized I went from one bottle of wine to a bottle and a half, then to 2 bottles. I stopped drinking for 2 weeks to lower my tolerance. However, drinking alone is a problem, even though it helps people like us pass the time. I also work at a job where I do not vibe very well with my co-workers. They're not bad people, we're just different. I also tried sites like meetme to no avail. And I also realize that people in our age group all seem to have their life long friends already. So I find it extremely hard to make regular friends based on that principle alone. After these 2 years, I have found that there are many people like us out there. We somehow found ourselves in a lonely place in life and don't know what to do about it. I'll tell you what I've been doing to help with my loneliness.

After a long depressing stretch of trying and failing to have a desired social life, I stumbled across a few gems over the past year. I did meet 2 girls that I like very much. However, they're very busy people and I rarely see them. But having them to talk to every now and then helps. So, I keep them in my contact list and text them sometimes, even though there's not much interaction on a weekly basis. So, if you find a good person to talk to, keep them around, even if you only see them or just text with them a couple of times a month. It really helps.

I started working out. It is hard to work out alone. But it is kind of therapeutic if you just do it(no pun attended. LOL) I am greatly satisfied with my progress. I've lost weight, toned up a little, and my arms looks fantastic. I joined planet fitness because many people in our age group go there. I rarely talk to anybody there because we're all working out, but its good to be around people and out of the house. I do work out at home sometimes when I can't make it to the gym. I'm still not in the physical shape I would like to be in, but I am happier now that I'm in a better physical condition than I used to be.

I've picked up a hobby. I really like making music. I don't record much because I don't want to put out songs about being lonely and depressed, but it does help when you are doing something that you like to do. Even though you are still lonely, it's not as bad when you have that personal satisfaction.

I found a site called "meetup." It's a site for people in your given area to create and join groups in their interests and post events for everybody in that group to attend. I've joined a group on that site called "twenty-somethings." I've been to a few of the events. I get along with the other members for the most part. Haven't really made any friends with them though. However, I went to a holloween party that was posted in the group, it wasn't too awkward because I at least had them to have small talk with every now and then instead of standing around by myself. I ended up making out with a very attractive girl that was at the party and she wasn't even apart of the group. I had a great time that night, and she is one of the girls I stay in contact with from time to time. So make sure you get out of the house. Go to events, as much as possible. And don't be afraid to talk to people. Anybody, find something to talk about. Tell them you like something that they're wearing, or how are they enjoying the occasion or something. Spark up conversations.

I also like going for walks. I live by the beach, so I walk on the boardwalk/strip often. By taking any opportunity I get to spark a conversation(which isn't that often) I have added a little something extra to my life. I have made acquaintances with people that work at or own some of the stores on the beach, and the same with the bouncers and bartenders at some of the clubs and bars. I don't speak to them on a regular basis, but it feels good to be walking by or going to a bar and you know the person working there so you can stop and have small talk or even hang out for a minute. Sometimes I even get free things. I've gotten a few free drinks over the past year, a couple of weeks ago I got a whole pizza for free from the guy that owns one of the pizza restaurants, and a girl that works the jello shot bar in the most popular club gave me 2 free v.i.p. passes to that club that are for unlimited visits. I haven't used them yet, but I'm hoping I can find somebody to go out with soon. So go for walks, talk to random people when the opportunity arises, and keep a positive attitude.

Now, I don't know how it is where you live, but it is extremely dangerous to go out clubbing by yourself where I live. (And in most of America.) I met these people during the day, going to happy hours and what-not. I wouldn't suggest you going out alone at night.

One last thing that I do is get free movie tickets. I found these sites called "Gofobo" and "AdvancedScreenings" where I get email notifications for free screenings in my area. It's cool because you get to see the movies before anybody else can. It is completely free. I always get more than one ticket for the movies, but I only had the opportunity to bring one the girls I met with me once. I still go to as many as I can though. If I can't bring anybody that I met, I call around my family to see if any of them would like to go. The last two screenings I attended I brought along my parents and my little brother. The movies were "MIllion Dollar Arm" and "Neighbors." Both great movies. It's good to have something like this to help get you out of the house a little bit more. I also signed up on the websites for local comedy clubs and bowling alleys to receive promotions and even win free admissions. I've recently won 6 free tickets for the biggest comedy club in my area. Nobody was able to go besides my brother. So we went and had a great time. I was disappointed that Once again I found myself without any of my peers, but I'm glad I was at least able to bring my brother.

I've learned to make the best out of everything. I roam around alone at the beach, I go to movie screenings alone more often than not, and have a hard time finding people to hang out with. But, I keep my hopes up. I get involved in as much as possible. And most importantly, I keep a positive attitude about life(much much easier said than done.) It sounds like a lot, but I still live a very lonely life. I don't have anybody I can talk to or see on a regular basis. But at least I'm trying everything I can. I found that just being yourself and enjoying what your doing or where you are at is the best thing to do, especially when your by yourself. I'm not depressed anymore, still lonely for the most part, but not depressed. And I can see that by doing all of these things, my social life is starting to get better. A few weeks ago one of the girls invited me to hang out with her and her friends to a comedy show. So, I now have more acquaintances for those random moments when I see them in public. And the other girl invited me to a birthday party last week. It was short lived because I had to go to work soon after the party started, but I'm seeing that all my efforts are starting to pay off.

So get out there, get involved, talk to people, text them every now and then just to see how they're doing, or go by the store and say hello. You never know, some of them may be just like you, and that type of interaction is not only good for you, but for them as well. And remember, just like the other guy posted, facebook is pretty much a smoke screen. I even look like an interesting person with an exciting life on my facebook because I only post the good moments I have every now and then. LOL.

STAY POSITIVE, THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

December2012

Truth is OP, I'm in my late 30s, and for various reasons I have fond myself at times having to restart my social life because my friends and I aren't on the same page socially.

Here are some of the reasons:
Falling out (teens)
Graduated college (20s)
Friends travelled / emigrated (20s)
I was in an LTR - they were / are single (20s and 30s)
I have kids (30s)
My friends have kids (30s)
My friends / my / work / career obligations and exhaustions (20s and 30s)

I am a perfectly normal friendly and nice person. I am still friendly with most of these people - but I don't see them as often as we would all like, and some of them are just closer with each other now. That doesn't mean it's bad, it's just how it is.

So here's what I did; when I started college I continued to be myself and therefore I made friends. When I had kids I joined local mother and toddler groups and now I've friends here.

When I'm in the position where I'd like to get out more I make it happen by trying to make it happen.

So don't feel embarrassed about it - in my experience you're entirely normal.

euser1984

This thread is too long for me to read but I can just think of one word - try and assert yourself.....you need to go out with those people and have a laugh and then they will want you to come along again....don't wait for them even though you are now. Just assert yourself.

scallywaggles

I reckon stop worrying about how others might perceive your situation and focus on changing it, besides as you can see from all the posters there are in fact loads of people who have been in your situation. The problem with FB is that you only see the photos from the great nights out, no one posts photos of the times they are on their own, or when they are sad and miserable or just having a normal night in in front of the tv. Realistically they are only posting photos from a couple of nights out per month, if even, plus they are only the good photos from those nights and don't represent the whole night itself.

I'd agree with the other posters, pursue one of your hobbies, join a team sport, soccer, tag rugby etc, or whatever it is you might be interested in, loads of things will be starting up again at the moment that you can go to. If you're stuck finding something local go on to meetup and see what is around, try out a few groups, sports, hobbies, socials etc and give it time, don't expect instant results, but if you enjoy what you start doing that is the main thing.

Magicmatilda

Ok I am going to say something that you don't often hear - Lonliness is a part of life. We are all ultimately alone. Without getting to existential about it. I felt lonely when I was a child, a teenager, 20's and still in my 30's.I do not feel lonely all the time or even most of it but I get bouts of it and that is OK.

Firstly - everyone feels lonely and this idea that just because you are 23 you should not is strange to me. I am so glad facebook was not around when I was younger. Not everyone is out at sessions in the sun all day long. The point with FB is that people only post the best of their lives, they don't post - sitting at home, alone, eating popcorn. I think the reason is that we seem to have got ourselves to a place where we all have to be super exiting and interesting all the time. Everyone is off doing skydiving, surfing, iron men..... where do these people get time to relax...anyway my point is that FB is not a good gauge of where people are as it is only good stuff.

Secondly you seem to be very negative about the whole thing. You can either moan about it or do something about it. I joined a hiking group recently through meet up and now I am out every weekend hiking and laughing with a group of people of all ages from 20s to 60s and it is great. You are clsoe to Dublin you say so you have no excuse not to join a club be it sport or film or art or whatever. The only reason anyone has friends is because they go out and make them. I have made nearly all of the friends that I have now since I was your age. I have about 2 people in my life still that I actually communicate with since before then. Most of my good friends now I made between 23-29, there a few I have made since.

Finally I only really have about 5 friends, after that it is aquaintances. Which is fine for me. I used to get hung up on it but that is just how I am.

QueenBee1

LonelyYoungster wrote: »

I appreciate that the only way to improve my situation is get bout there and join clubs or whatever but I can’t help but feel bad that I am in the situation in the first place. I am most likely one of very few people of this age who have ever found themselves in this situation – barely any friends and lonely. Who else of 23 can say they have nobody to go for a walk or coffee with when they want to? House parties are a complete rarity. It’s not like I’m looking for anything far fetched, just normal things. I don’t even know any members of the opposite sex – it’s pathetic. I’m pretty sure early 20’s is a great period in most peoples lives but for me its just shrouded in loneliness, frustration and confusion.

MEE!!! I am exactly in the same situation. You are making me feel bad now. I spent my whole weekend at home (and I still live with my parents) my best friend is away in college and I live in a very remote area so weekend involved shopping for a few hours yesterday and back to back episodes of suits. So dont feel too bad there is always someone worse off than you.

what I have come to realise is that this is my life and while I am not happy with it I am also not not happy with it. I like having time to myself and wouldnt like to spend TOO much time with others anyway think a lot of my problem is that I care more about what society thinks and feels I should be doing for my age rather what I am actually comfortable doing that pleases me? that make sense?

professore

QueenBee1 wrote: »

MEE!!! I am exactly in the same situation. You are making me feel bad now. I spent my whole weekend at home (and I still live with my parents) my best friend is away in college and I live in a very remote area so weekend involved shopping for a few hours yesterday and back to back episodes of suits. So dont feel too bad there is always someone worse off than you.

what I have come to realise is that this is my life and while I am not happy with it I am also not not happy with it. I like having time to myself and wouldnt like to spend TOO much time with others anyway think a lot of my problem is that I care more about what society thinks and feels I should be doing for my age rather what I am actually comfortable doing that pleases me? that make sense?

Society doesn't care about you, people only try that stuff to control you and stop you enjoying yourself. And make you as miserable as they are. F##k society. You have to live your life, not them. Listening to all that stuff just leads to misery.

QueenBee1

professore wrote: »

Society doesn't care about you, people only try that stuff to control you and stop you enjoying yourself. And make you as miserable as they are. F##k society. You have to live your life, not them. Listening to all that stuff just leads to misery.

That's what I am starting to realise. Even with my best friend he is so wrapped up in what people think and uses social media ie Instagram Twitter etc as a way of social acceptance or approval, always posting pics of where he has been and what he's doing etc.

If you ask me social media had a huge part to play in depression amongst young people these days

Obliq

http://www.conservationvolunteers.ie/individual_branches/dublin_branch01.html

http://bogtrotters.ie/

OP, how about joining both of these?! That's your Saturdays and Sundays sorted out. Y'know, the conservation volunteers is supposed to be excellent fun and hard work too. I'm thinking that most people who join these groups do so because they want to meet more people and do something fun at the same time. I've a friend who is a leader in the conservation volunteers, and believe me, she does it for a social life as she's busy 24/7 during the week, but you wouldn't want to have been on the latest session on the Friday night. Doing that work would be no fun with a hangover.

I agree with the previous posters about facebook. When I was younger and felt like everyone had a social life except me, at least it was only in my imagination that I was missing out - now you get to face photos all day long in your newsfeed. Go make some mates OP - we've all started again from time to time. At your age I moved to the country and knew NOBODY. Go get em.

whirlpool

It's kind of funny (not funny haha) that I've read quite a lot of threads like this over the past hour or so which are more or less the same thing - people in their 20s feeling alone. Clearly, none of you are alone, even though it feels that way. Try to see it for what it is, i.e. a temporary feeling of isolation. My top tips would be avoid any activities that involve alcohol for the first few months while you try to establish a social life, and also take full advantage of Meetup.com. Somebody should really set up a group on Meetup for lonely 20-somethings. There is a huge amount of them out there. Finally, picture yourself at age 30 - you will be looking back at this period in your life as merely a blip, a blip where you learned a huge amount about yourself and the world.

Notorious

For various different reasons throughout my life, I've found myself in similar positions to you, OP. In school I had a tight knit group of friends who split up once we left for college. The same thing happened with my college friends. Another group broke up when nearly everyone moved abroad. A lot of these people I'd consider acquaintances, but I'd never get the chance to see them.

I find that I go through periods when I feel horribly lonely, and the only way out of this is to meet up with someone or busy my mind with a social activity. I'm lucky to have a small group of people (3-5) who I'd consider very good friends, and I'm lucky that they're always there for me. I was very recently broken up with, so I'm feeling it pretty hard at the moment and there's a handful of people I've been able to lean on to give me support (and when I say "leaned on", I threw myself at them!).

As others have suggested, consider getting involved in a club or group which has a social aspect. There's various book clubs that meet up in the city centre weekly. Someone above suggested a hillwalking/hiking group that I think I'm going to look into.

I'm not much older than you and living close enough. I share most of your interests. OP, feel free to drop me a PM if you want to go on a man date.