Advice needed :(

MarthaMyDear

Hi guys,

Ok I'll give a bit of background to my relationship first. I met my BF in college about two years ago and we started dating nearly straight away (not going out just seeing each other, texting etc) this went on for a while then things suddenly cooled off and I barely heard from him. I was devastated but tried my best not to show it to him and got on with life. We still chatted in college and texted the odd time but nothing romantic.

Anyway after a few months he suddenly started flirting loads again, asking me on dates, texting me all the time etc etc. So things started up again but a lot better than the first time and a few months later he asked me to be his girlfriend.
So for the past year we had a great relationship. We often joked that the honeymoon phase was never going to finish, we spent loads of time together and we were both ridiculously happy.

About a month ago I started to notice a few changes. In the past few weeks he didn't seem as bothered to make plans and stopped giving compliments which in the past he would constantly give. Then the past two weeks he stopped even texting me good night and we barely saw each other. There was other stuff going on at the time as I had to temporarily move home and have just moved into a new apartment this week so I thought it was just because we hadn't spent much time together lately.

He came over the other night and started crying and told me that for him the spark in our relationship was gone and he didnt know what to do. He said he felt like we were just friends all of a sudden and that seeing me and doing things with me didn't excite him anymore. He said if there was anything he could try he would do it but he doesn't think the feelings are going to come back.

To say I am devastated is an understatement. I am completely in love with him and this whole thing just doesn't feel right at all. He says himself it's just been the past month or so he's felt like this but he doesn't want to string me along. He also said its nothing i'm doing its just that the romantic feelings he had have disappeared.
I literally don't know what to do. I'm all over the place. I'm so used to seeing him all the time and talking to him that I feel like he has died. The only time we've spoken was when I text him the next morning saying we could take a break from each other for a few weeks then meet up and see where we stand and he said he doesn't mind but he doesn't feel like his feelings are going to come back. I suggested we try spending some time together and going back to basics like going on dates and stuff because we haven't been doing that lately and he said he doesn't think a few dates are going to magically bring back his feelings.
I wish someone could just tell me what to do. I'm trying my best not to text him or call him but I badly want to ask him to come over and try and figure things out. I don't understand how someones feelings can just disappear. I so badly want them to come back I would literally do anything for him to come over and say actually I don't know what I was thinking. Help:(

stickybookmark

Oh dear.
First up - he called over to break up with you and the next morning you texted him suggesting ways to keep the relationship going - sorry hon but you're doing yourself NO favours whatsoever doing that.

if you're being dumped, you need to hold on to your dignity - it's all you have.

don't beg to be taken back or for him to reconsider. don't make suggestions about how to rekindle the spark, he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore so just walk away with dignity.

unfortunately many people have been in this position before and many will be again in the future, you are not alone believe me. it's almost impossible to understand how someone's feelings have disappeared when yours are still intact, but fact is it happens. it happens all the time. relationships are a 2 way thing and both people have to feel the same levels of enthusiasm. For whatever reason, he doesn't feel it anymore so devastated as you are, you have to accept this.

it will take a while. but the important thing to do now is no more asking him to reconsider, no more proffering suggestions on how to rekindle the flame - let him go with dignity. it's very important to hold onto your self-esteem now as it will be the biggest crutch you have to get you through the next few weeks and months.

i've sometimes found when this type of thing has happened to one of my friends - that they are dumped from a seemingly happy relationship with no real reason given except a 'loss of spark' that in some cases it can be that a third party has entered the scene. i'm not saying that's the case here but be prepared for worst case scenario and hopefully it won't turn out to be true. but before you send that text/email/message asking him to reconsider, bear in mind for a brief second that he could be starting to get involved with someone else (i'm not saying he is by the way, i'm just saying be prepared)

Meauldsegosha

[quote="MarthaMyDear;90026359"
I don't understand how someones feelings can just disappear. I so badly want them to come back I would literally do anything for him to come over and say actually I don't know what I was thinking. Help:([/quote]

His feelings haven't "just disappeared", he has been feeling this way for a month. He has had time to think about the break- up, analyse it, get used to the idea. In his mind you broke up a month ago but for you it is still very fresh. I know it is an old cliche but you have to give yourself time. Don't call or text him it will just prolong the hurt for you.

Merkin

Ah you poor lamb, you sound so hurt and bewildered. We've all been there at some stage and it's even more painful when it seemingly comes out of the blue. Although it may be out of the blue to you, it seems like he's given this some thought in recent weeks, has has time to digest it and has made his decision so I think trying to sway him is futile.

Ever heard the expression 'if you love someone set them free and if they are meant to be with you they will return' (or something along those lines?) It's true and it's kinder to both of you to sever ties for now and deal with it in your own ways.

Call up your best friends, drink too much wine, watch some films that will make you cry and cry it out girl. It's the only way and in time you'll feel better. Give it time and don't contact him. Hugs to you xx