A family issue

That_Girl_ Is_ A_Cowboy

I have an older brother. Older by not much years. He developed the tavelling bug quite young and spent some years working in a few different countries when he was younger from the late 90s to 2007. He popped home a few times in between never staying for very long before he went again. He was always good keeping in touch with home. He and my mam used to write letters and he would write telling her how he was getting on and requiring about the rest of us at home. He would send birthday cards and I remember twice some gifts were sent home too at Christmas time.

2007 - His working holiday visa was up and he came home from Australia where he was for two years. The recession hit after this and work for him dried up. In 2012 he was lucky at getting sponsership in Australia and he left again. 

Last year my sister and I noticed that something was different this time. Contact home was limited and sparse from him. Different in that he was away before and always kept in touch. A few bits wasn't sitting well. My mam would have sent a Christmas card and also a birthday card which wasn't acknowledged. Other bits as well. He never acknowledge mothers day last year or the year he left in 2012. It appeared he was blowing my mam off with regards to providing his address saying on the rare occassion he rang that he was due to move. It appeared other people knew more of his life in Australia than we did like my dad and another neighbour. My dad and mam are seprated and my neighbour has been a great friend to my brother. My brother was phoning other people like my granny and some other relatives and neighbour more regularly than home. Months went by before he even rang my mam. We heard information secondhand like news that he was doing a strong line with an Australian lady and news of him buying a new car. Small little bits like that. I sent him a message the Christmas time of the year he left wishing him a happy Christmas and a week later a new years text. He never replied but it didn't bother me.

It looked like perhaps he was applying distance between his new life in Australia and home. 

It blew over my head to be honest. I was busy with work and was getting tired easily and many times I was run of my feet. I just put his limited contact to home down to him being busy with work himself. It can't be easy over there working in severe heat. Also when he was here, he was one not into technologly. He owned a crappy mobile at one stage but he never really used it. It lived beside his beside locker and then he lost it. He also lost interest in celebrating Christmas with one year flying abroad on holidays to a country that doesn't celebrate Christmas two days before Christmas. Another year he spent the day working and another year he travelled down the country to pick up something for work.

His lack of contact home effected my sister more even though they weren't all that pally and close. She was disappointed and cross as to why he was contacting other people more and looked as if he was ignoring the family here at home. She felt he was cutting us out from his life and wanted nothing to do with us. 

Last summer she pulled my brother up on this. She sent him a message. Within minutes he rang my mam's phone because my sister turned off her phone after sending her message. He told mam that she was just after sending him an abusive message and asked to be put over to her. He spat abuse down the phone to her and told her to never contact him again. A few days later she showed me the message she sent and there wasn't anything abusive in her message and certainly didn't warrant the response she got from him. They never patched things up and there was some more words exchanged between them last winter.

My brother rang home to my mam last November, first proper phone call in months and surprisinly contact from him has been a little bit on the up from him since although he didn't acknowledge the Christmas card and birthday card my mam sent him. I sent him a message I think it was for his birthday or maybe for paddy's day with good wishes and he replied back thanking me. Although my sister reckons the only reason he's keeping in touch is because he needs information and papers for the residency application. 

He rang home a few weeks looking for some information and told my mam of some good news, that his partner is pregnant and due to become a father. My mam had to stall telling me for a few weeks until my dad was notified and once he was told by my brother, my mam told me the news. I was happy and delighted with the news. I was due to send a message wishing him and her well when my mam stopped me and asked to check the time over there and then I hung on a few hours more until the time was reasonable over there so I wouldn't be waking him up. My sister got cross and mad at me, for even trying to acknowledge him and the news of a baby to come. Saying something on the lines of why would you lower yourself sending him a message when it's as clear as daylight he wants nothing to do with us.

This morning over breakfast my mam asked me to send a text to wish him a happy Easter and my sister started ranting again.

I do not know if my brother has a problem and an issue with home. I'm caught right in the middle here. In a few months, all going well, when baby is born I would like to congratulate the new parents and acknowledge the birth of theirbbaby with a card and a gift?I'm going to be an aunt after all even when there are so many miles between us. Would that be so bad?   

mrsbyrne

All the players in this scene are adults. Your brother was young when he left and initially he wanted to conform and keep in touch. He knew your mam was worrying and missing him and he missed you all and felt a bit guilty too so he dutifully kept in touch. The years have gone by and he's grown up and he's changed a little too. You've all changed. Kids are born and people die and life happens. His birth family seem very far away and his whole life now is this girl and impending fatherhood.
Your sister committed the cardinal sin of admonishing your brother over the slow down in the drip feed of reassuring information.
The message may not have been abusive but I'll bet it was an admonishment all the same.
Your brother knew he was losing touch. He probably felt a bit bad about it. She pulled him on it and he lashed out at her..
In our family there is an unwritten rule that no adult will try to manipulate another, it works very well.
Your sister is now trying to manipulate you into sending him to Coventry.
She hasn't learned her lesson.
She's hurting because she is the pariah and she knows its her own fault.
Of course you are thrilled for you brother. Of course you want to know of the birth and send gifts and possibly he will post pics on Facebook and you can congratulate them both.
Tell your sister you are sorry she is so upset but she must allow you to do what you think is right. Tell her your not kids in a playtime fight taking sides. Tell her you are not going to tolerate any more histrionics. Tell her you love her but be firm. She should write a letter to your brother apologising for the text and asking for bygones to be bygones. This can all still work out.

stickybookmark

if possible try not to let this lead to you and your sister falling out. She lives over here, is your sister and is a real and i'd imagine big part of your life. She will be the one that will be here for you through all your ups and downs and life's milestones for the rest of your life. your family is already split up through your parent's marriage break up so it's important to maintain the relationships that you do have, like your sister.
it's far more important to keep your relationship with her going than it is your relationship with the brother in Australia who has moved on to a new life and not looking backwards. So although i understand you're excited about being an aunty and want to keep in touch with him, maybe do it in such a way that you don't rub your sister's nose in it. like if you do contact him or hear from him or see photos of your niece/nephew maybe don't go on about that fact to her.