I need advice please

smileygirlme

I would really appreciate some objective advice.

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for the past few years.He is thoughtful and kind.He is divorced with one daughter (11) and I have kids too.
Heres the problem.
He has a past and boy is it a past !

In his 20 year marriage he has had many affairs taken women away on business trips and had a relationship with one woman for 7 years and another for 5 years.He never remained faithful to them.He has used prostitutes on business trips ( common practice in his line of work)
His wife was an alcoholic and suffered from depression and was hospitalised and dried out several times.She neglected their daughter and he was very critical of that as he is a very good father.I believe that he has been faithful to me and he said that he has turned over a new leaf.He told me everything as he said he wanted no secrets.
He now lives alone with his daughter and she spends half her time with him and half with her mother nearby.
My problem is that he has hired a new au pair and she is a hot babe of 32.I feel very uncomfortable that she is alone with him in the house as she cooks for him and he sees nothing wrong with that.I have told him how I feel and he assures me that I have nothing to worry about.Im very upset about it and his attitude is that he needs an au pair and thats that.I dont like the optics of the situ one bit and he has said basically like it or lump it.
I am very good to his daughter and the crunch came last weekend when he dropped her to her bus for a night out while I bathed his daughter and did her hair.
I feel I am a mug to be honest but I feel that he should understand my feelings a bit more. I love him so much but this is killing me.
My friend said that I should give him an ultimatum and that he should insist that the au pair stays with his daughter when she stays over at the mum.
I dont like making demands but Im so afraid that I will be left broken hearted.

Please help
sgm xxx

ManOfMystery

OP

Your other half obviously has a very chequered past.

However, this is a past he did not have to tell you about. He could have told you had an unhappy marriage and left it that, but he was open about numerous affairs, he was open about prostitutes, he was forthcoming about his behaviour and his reason for doing so was so that there would be no secrets. In other words, he wants trust between you and him.

I understand that being with someone who has a 'colourful' past can lead to insecurities, but I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt here. He's been honest with you. You describe him as thoughtful and kind. You say he's a great father. There's nothing to suggest that he is up to anything now - this is an insecurity and paranoia on your part. Would be you concerned if the au pair was frumpy or ugly?

You chose to stay with him and continue a relationship after he admitted all (at the risk of you walking away from him, like some women would) and part of that pact is that you also have to have some trust in him going forward. Now is a time to exercise that trust. If there's nothing to suggest he's playing around, then stop imagining the worst.

Bear in mind too that whilst his previous behaviour was unjustifiable, it could have been his outlet from a very stressful/unhappy marriage. If he's happy with you, he should have no reason to cheat.

As for what your friend says, I would ignore it. Issuing ultimatums in a relationship rarely ends well, particularly if the other partner is totally innocent. A relationship is about trust and working together, not demanding someone behaves a certain way because of an insecurity on your part.

ahnow

You've spoken to him about your concerns and he's basically told you where to go. Is he willing to compromise at all? Given his past I usually go by the motto once a cheater always a cheater. You say he's a great father and has been critical of his child's mother for her issues...I don't really know how years of affairs, cheating, and secrecy is being a great father, children pick up on that and it is damaging and hurtful.
If he's not willing to compromise I'd evaluate what I was willing to put up with and not, and if you would want to stay with someone who wont really consider your concerns. Perhaps weigh up the pros and cons of it, and go from there.

Starokan

You are torturing yourself with what ifs & assumptions. By that I mean your assuming that a) he will cheat on you and b) the au pair will automatically want to be with him.

The crux here is you cannot and do not trust him, without trust the relationship is doomed.

If you are so convinced he will cheat on you then you have to leave him as you will never be at peace with the relationship. Getting rid of the au pair will never be a solution because if he wants to cheat on you he will do so regardless.

If you want to continue in this relationship focus on being able to trust your partner, try becoming friendly with the au pair instead of trying to ensure her job is gone. Its unfair on her and is no solution to your problem

smileygirlme

It's not so much the cheating and the numerous affairs .. what concerns me is the type of personality behind that .. he once told me he slept with a bride to be on the night before her wedding and then did the same when the woman was heavily pregnant tbh some of his behavior disgusts me .. he says I'm judging him and it's hard not to really

ManOfMystery wrote: »

OP

Your other half obviously has a very chequered past.

However, this is a past he did not have to tell you about. He could have told you had an unhappy marriage and left it that, but he was open about numerous affairs, he was open about prostitutes, he was forthcoming about his behaviour and his reason for doing so was so that there would be no secrets. In other words, he wants trust between you and him.

I understand that being with someone who has a 'colourful' past can lead to insecurities, but I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt here. He's been honest with you. You describe him as thoughtful and kind. You say he's a great father. There's nothing to suggest that he is up to anything now - this is an insecurity and paranoia on your part. Would be you concerned if the au pair was frumpy or ugly?

You chose to stay with him and continue a relationship after he admitted all (at the risk of you walking away from him, like some women would) and part of that pact is that you also have to have some trust in him going forward. Now is a time to exercise that trust. If there's nothing to suggest he's playing around, then stop imagining the worst.

Bear in mind too that whilst his previous behaviour was unjustifiable, it could have been his outlet from a very stressful/unhappy marriage. If he's happy with you, he should have no reason to cheat.

As for what your friend says, I would ignore it. Issuing ultimatums in a relationship rarely ends well, particularly if the other partner is totally innocent. A relationship is about trust and working together, not demanding someone behaves a certain way because of an insecurity on your part.

ManOfMystery

smileygirlme wrote: »

It's not so much the cheating and the numerous affairs .. what concerns me is the type of personality behind that .. he once told me he slept with a bride to be on the night before her wedding and then did the same when the woman was heavily pregnant tbh some of his behavior disgusts me .. he says I'm judging him and it's hard not to really

He has skeletons in his closet. However he was open about them.

If you choose to be with him, then you have to accept them and accept that he has changed.

If they disgust you and you don't trust him as a result, then you shouldn't be with him and should end things.

But choosing to remain with him whilst also judging him on past indiscretions and not trusting him? That will never work. If you're worried about the type of 'personality' behind that, then maybe you shouldn't have chosen that type of personality to be your partner and to be around your children. I find that statement strange considering you also described him as lovely, kind and thoughtful.

Idle Passerby

Personally I wouldn't even go near a man with your partners past, but what I'd do isn't the point.

He may well have exorcised his demons and left all that in the past, but I think he needs to be a bit more sympathetic to how his past effects the present. It would not be easy for any woman to feel totally comfortable with someone who has shown a long history of womanising. He needs to realise confessing it is one thing, but trust needs to be built, its not automatically won.

I would be suspicious of his stories that paint his ex wife in such a bad light.There is two in every relationship and he was definitely no victim in that one. I would also take his assertions about being such a good father with a hefty pinch of salt. He hasn't shown much respect for either his daughters mother or countless other women by the sounds of it. Not a great example to set for a daughter.

Also, is the daughter physically or otherwise disadvantaged? I only ask because I find it quite odd that an 11 year old would need help bathing.

MagicMarker

OP, do you want to be with someone who disgusts you?

Colser

Hi Op....Obviously the mature answer here is to trust your partner but I will admit that I would be similar to you in this situation and I wouldnt like it one bit. Maybe its jealousy or lack of trust but I wouldnt be comfortable with the au pair living with him especially when his daughter is at her mums. Now I know that there may be no attraction ect between them but we are all adults and things do/can happen espcially when living together albeit that its a work situation .

Im not saying this because of his past but I can see why it would unsettle you as it would me even if he hadnt such a colourful history with women.You have told him how you feel so I suppose all you can do is go along with it if he refuses to change the arrangement.Did he discuss it with you before he employed her , could he just get a childminder for his daughter?

All I am saying really OP is you are not unusual for feeling this way and it will play on your mind so you really have to decide if its something you can put up with(obviously lots of women seen to have no problem with it but everyone is different).Also its a bit ironic that you are left minding his daughter while he drops the au pair for a night out,a small thing I know but it would annoy me too..Good Luck.

Merkin

smileygirlme wrote: »

It's not so much the cheating and the numerous affairs .. what concerns me is the type of personality behind that .. he once told me he slept with a bride to be on the night before her wedding and then did the same when the woman was heavily pregnant tbh some of his behavior disgusts me .. he says I'm judging him and it's hard not to really

He sounds like an out and out creep. People are saying what a wonderful person he is for being open and honest with you; sounds more like a disclaimer to me Im afraid. If he shags the au pair it shouldn't come as a huge surprise then should it?

He has shown time and again that not only can he not be trusted in a monogamous relationship, he obviously doesn't care about other people and their partners either. Yuk.

Sleepless and Manic

Yup. This guy is toxic. He's enjoying it all too. Dont feed his habit by indulging him anymore because he will hurt you.

I wouldnt be giving any "ultimatums" just move on. Its not worth it.

LegacyUser

This man is toxic and a creep. He told you some of the things he did in the past.
He cheated on his ex wife for years and had 2 long term relationships when still married.
He has been with prostitutes.
He has also told you about his sexual exploits and these show no care for anyone but himself and his urges at a particular time.

The most recent thing was he took on a au pair for his daughter I would think for her good looks. He may think it is only a matter of time before he gets her into bed.
You have told him you are not happy about him employing her but he refuses to listen to you.
At this stage I think you are beginning to realise just what kind of man he is.
If I found out all of the above about a man I was going out with I would be walking away from him. He could be having sex with the au pair or any other woman he meets and could end up giving you an sti. A man like this is a user and I would not trust him at all.

Big Bag of Chips

.... And it all seems to be someone else's fault. His wife was an alcoholic, so he had numerous affairs. Visiting prostitutes is "common practice" in his line of work... Really?? Unless he's a pimp, I can't think of any job where visiting prostitutes would be considered "common practice".

Yes, he was honest about his past.. some might say he even sounds proud of it. Why the need to go into SO much detail with you? We all have a sexual past, we don't need to give our current partner the intimate details of it.

If you are on here posting, then something is not right. And you have 2 options, stick it out, and stay in a relationship where you are constantly doubting him and feeling like a mug. Or move on. He has told you to like it or lump it.. So that's your choice.

Chara1001

It's the disclaimer angle here i'm wondering about most.

Yeh i get that he's been honest (really? completely?) about his past, and it's up to you to decide what you can live with or not. But for many reasons, at the age of 34 now, I believe a persons past actions CAN give some insight into their future ones, and from what you say, it's a large and varied amount.
Of course that can't be a general sweeping statement that applies to everyone, as on the other hand people make crazy mistakes and it's only through making them that they find their own moral/ ethical/ life balance. (dunno what else to call it).

The thing that would bother me the most is the same thing that bothers you- the bride to be etc etc. I don't know op, i really really dont. In my own past, exes confessed things to me that were incredibly distasteful, but i was of the mindset that it was in their past, they shouldn't be judged on them, and they shouldn't have to answer to me about things they admit were a huge mistake before they ever met me. Except over time, they did continue with me, and if i could do it all over again, i would listen carefully to someone who confesses things that point to dubious moral decision making. Not the actual mistakes themselves (some exceptions obviously), but the reasoning behind them, justifications for them, excuses, whether they take any responsibility for them etc etc.

Only you can decide, but my main worry would be that he's told you all this stuff, it's up to you whether you can live with it, but you can't say you haven't been warned.

thefeatheredcat

smileygirlme wrote: »

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for the past few years.

How recently did he tell you about his past OP? You've been together a few years yet this all sounds very present tense in him telling you about it.

smileygirlme wrote: »

I believe that he has been faithful to me and he said that he has turned over a new leaf.He told me everything as he said he wanted no secrets.

smileygirlme wrote: »

tbh some of his behavior disgusts me .. he says I'm judging him and it's hard not to really

Even if he told you a few years ago at the start of the relationship about his past, it still sounds like it's a present issue, not something that you have dealt with over the past few years, but are only dealing with right now..

How exactly has he turned over a new leaf? OK he might not be engaging in risky sexual behaviour but how exactly did he go about it? Did he seek professional advice in stopping / altering this behaviour or did he just wake up one day and say No More?

smileygirlme wrote: »

He now lives alone with his daughter and she spends half her time with him and half with her mother nearby.
My problem is that he has hired a new au pair

Did he previously have a house keeper or au pair? What was the situation that he is now living alone? Would it have been the case that he would have had an au pair for his daughter living with him before he met you, or during the last few years that you have been together?

OP I've had the feeling something is a miss here since I first read the thread.... either he has only just told you about his past a few years into the relationship now or you have never dealt with his past properly or that you are having doubts with all of it with this au pair now on the scene.

I don't think "liking it or lumping it" is a real or positive way to deal with the situation. You need reassurance that he has indeed changed his ways and that the au pair isn't a sexual interest. Telling you to like it or lump it is dismissive of your feelings and essentially you, in the whole equation. It might not be your business how he runs his house or arranging having someone to look after his daughter, but you are also a part of his life and you should be able to discuss the matter without the issue being dismissed, because ultimately it affects you and it effects your relationship.

And there's just something that has also stuck in my head since reading your thread.... the women he had affairs with, the woman he had sex with the night before her wedding and while heavily pregnant... were these women individuals happy to have an open sexual encounter, or were the women in affairs being led on to believe it would result in something more like a long term relationship or marriage, or were they vulnerable at the time? It kind of bothers me that you are in a way on the verge of putting yourself in the shoes of the ex wife while they were married, who might have been assured and led to believe that the affairs would stop, that the women didn't matter and that he loved her etc etc and that I find quite worrying for you.