Family disputes?

stpaddy99

families are complex aren't they
my mother feels excluded by the rest of the family because they never invite her to their home to see her grand kids
I try to keep the peace but the ill feeling goes on and the arguments roll on too
I speak to my brother and sisters but they don't seem to consider her feelings so the pattern continues
makes me think if families are worth all the hassle

GarIT

Why do people view family as important even if they don't make the effort to be important, families are in no way different to friends.

LegacyUser

OP it happens in every family, I've yet to find a family that are perfect...

In my family, there's arguments because my parents dont drive 2 hours to see their grandkids in their home, my mother is on a lot of medication and cant travel for long but there is still grief over it from my sis in law.

For a long time I used to try be peacekeeper and now I literally step away from it all. It's not my concern nor will it ever be. I've wasted too much time and too many tears getting upset over family divides.

Do your own thing, tell family to keep you out of it, not in a smart way just that you have your own life to live - so live it. Petty arguments are not worth the time! Ever!!

Big Bag of Chips

Does your mother need to be "invited" though? Would she not just go visit?

stpaddy99

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Does your mother need to be "invited" though? Would she not just go visit?

no she doesn't feel comfortable unless shes asked ....and shes never asked

Time Now Please

Has there been a falling out with your Mam and the rest of your family like did something happen in the past that upset people? Why don't you explain to your family how your Mam is feeling and ask one of them to invite her over.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

My in-laws are like this - a large family that pretends to be close at functions but after 20 years with them I realise they are actually very fractured and very dysfunctional.

They are scattered around the greater Dublin area yet some may see their parents after 2 years. The parents don't visit anyone unless there is a function they have to attend and even so they will complain. When grandchildren visit, there is always stress from the adult children to ensure that no other grandchildren are there at the time to give "exclusivity" as it were.

At first I used to really get upset wondering why someone would ignore their parent only visiting once in a blue moon (especially as I have noone left) but after the family history revealed itself, I began to see that the parents were equally at fault. You can;t complain noone visits you when you make no effort to see them.

Now I realise that there are issues from the past that are unresolved and siblings that really do not like one another, coupled with jealousies, resentments and the parents also have much to answer for things that happened as well as a strong sense of entitlement towards their children. It's a mess to be frank.

So if some people choose to have superficial relationships because it is easier to get along and avoid arguments - then that's the way that it is. Any relationship, including family needs work and if one party just isn't interested, there is little that can be done.

stpaddy99

guestuser wrote: »

Hi OP,

My in-laws are like this - a large family that pretends to be close at functions but after 20 years with them I realise they are actually very fractured and very dysfunctional.

They are scattered around the greater Dublin area yet some may see their parents after 2 years. The parents don't visit anyone unless there is a function they have to attend and even so they will complain. When grandchildren visit, there is always stress from the adult children to ensure that no other grandchildren are there at the time to give "exclusivity" as it were.

At first I used to really get upset wondering why someone would ignore their parent only visiting once in a blue moon (especially as I have noone left) but after the family history revealed itself, I began to see that the parents were equally at fault. You can;t complain noone visits you when you make no effort to see them.

Now I realise that there are issues from the past that are unresolved and siblings that really do not like one another, coupled with jealousies, resentments and the parents also have much to answer for things that happened as well as a strong sense of entitlement towards their children. It's a mess to be frank.

So if some people choose to have superficial relationships because it is easier to get along and avoid arguments - then that's the way that it is. Any relationship, including family needs work and if one party just isn't interested, there is little that can be done.

interesting ;last line. is it necessarily a superficial relationship if arguments are avoided for the sake of some peace? or is that merely brushing problem under the carpet that wont go away?

Big Bag of Chips

stpaddy99, I just want to clarify that Personal Issues is an advice forum, rather than a discussion forum.

Can you clarify if you are looking for advice on how to deal with your family situation, or are you just trying to open up a general discussion? If it is general discussion you are looking for, I'm afraid you are in the wrong forum and we will close the thread.

stpaddy99

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

stpaddy99, I just want to clarify that Personal Issues is an advice forum, rather than a discussion forum.

Can you clarify if you are looking for advice on how to deal with your family situation, or are you just trying to open up a general discussion? If it is general discussion you are looking for, I'm afraid you are in the wrong forum and we will close the thread.

I didn't know it was such a scientific choice one or the other? Ill take whatever help there is as long as it allows us to keep the thread going. ta

username123

Why do you feel the need to be the peacemaker? Your mothers relationship with your brothers and sisters is none of your business nor is it your responsibility.

Neyite

stpaddy99 wrote: »

no she doesn't feel comfortable unless shes asked ....and shes never asked

Why is she never asked? did she get on ok with the couples before the children came along? or were there arguments/disagreements in the past?

stpaddy99

username123 wrote: »

Why do you feel the need to be the peacemaker? Your mothers relationship with your brothers and sisters is none of your business nor is it your responsibility.

I was replying to the post that suggested that having a peaceful non argumentative relationship that avoids addressing differences of opinion and previous arguments Is somehoe a superficial relationship because youre avoiding the issues, I find that viewpoint interesting and challenging.

username123

stpaddy99 wrote: »

I was replying to the post that suggested that having a peaceful non argumentative relationship that avoids addressing differences of opinion and previous arguments Is somehoe a superficial relationship because youre avoiding the issues, I find that viewpoint interesting and challenging.

I was responding to your opening post.

stickybookmark

stpaddy99 wrote: »

families are complex aren't they
my mother feels excluded by the rest of the family because they never invite her to their home to see her grand kids
I try to keep the peace but the ill feeling goes on and the arguments roll on too
I speak to my brother and sisters but they don't seem to consider her feelings so the pattern continues
makes me think if families are worth all the hassle

How far away from her grandkids does your mother live? I'm amazed she's never asked to babysit...most couples would ask Granny to babysit if they are going to a wedding or a birthday party or if their childminder is sick or on holidays etc. If your mother is willing and able to it seems strange they never ask her to? Do you have any idea why that might be?