Emotionally cheated on my partner

LegacyUser · 17-04-2014 9:57am #1

So I'll give you the low down. I've been going out with my girlfriend for just over 2 years now, let's call her A. We've had an amazing relationship and still do, I firmly believe and hope that she is "the one", and she feels the same. When we first met it was during the summer, we had so much fun together and with all our friends just enjoying summer and drinking and traveling together and so on. We went traveling in the summer of 2012 and came back in October. By the time we came back from traveling the summer fever had kind of died down. We both had another year left before we would resume normal lives - she had to wait another year to start university and I had, to make a long story short, deferred my studies for a year. So with another year to kill we decided we'd go traveling again, this time to Asia. We had made plans and saved up money etc and booked the tickets.

Now, it was going to be a few months from October before we left to go traveling again so in the meantime we moved in with some friends and tried to find jobs. However, most of our friends had resumed going back to college or working their jobs whilst we signed on the dole and struggled to find any work. So from October 2012 things started to get bad, with the 2 of us being bored and broke all the time (especially me though) and also being around our friends ALL the time AND surviving through a particularly cold, harsh Irish winter.

Without going into too much backstory I basically befriended a woman during this time, let's call her L. I had known her from before I had even met A but only really became friends with here around this time. I found myself increasingly becoming better and better friends with her to the point where I felt like I had known her for a lot longer than I should have. She also became quite close to me and it got to the point where it was a little too much. Whenever one of us would have a row with our respective partners, we would go to each others house and hang out and drink or whatever. It was with L that I would go for walks and feed ducks with, I would text her on nights out asking her what shes up to, I would drunkenly put my arm around her when walking around on a night out (this at the time to me was totally amicable), and so on. L developed an emotional dependence on me. She would confide all her problems in me, tell me how she feels about her own boyfriend, would use me as support, etc etc. You get the picture.

Naturally, this drove A absolutely crazy. As it would with anyone. She would always bring the issue up with me and me not thinking I had done anything wrong would always react very defensively and get very annoyed at her. At the time I saw L as nothing more than a friend. A very good friend whom I was close to but still, just a friend. My feelings for A had never faltered or changed and I was definitely dedicated to her. Regardless, the "emotional cheating" continued and me and A would argue all the time. We would patch things up, get on well and then I'd do something stupid with L again and it would all just explode once more.

This went on pretty much from December to March. It got so bad to the point where she broke up a few times but kept getting back together. We were at each others THROATS and I was not handling it well. It didnt help that we lived with our friends and they saw a lot of it... A should have left me no doubt, a lot of her friends back home were telling her she was crazy for being with such a d*ckhead like me and that she should let go etc. We all know she should have, but we had already purchased our tickets for Asia long ago so I suppose in some ways she was bound to it, or at least felt bound to it. A mixture of that and her being an extremely patient and tolerant woman eventually led to her NOT breaking up with me and still going traveling with me.

So we left in March, and while we did have an amazing time, March and April were marked by sporadic and very intense arguments. We again went through the process of constantly breaking up and even threatening to go home etc but we pulled through. We eventually got over it, patched things up and continued to have a great time together. We came back in July and everything seemingly was great between us. Fast forward to October of last year and we are living together in our own 1 bedroom apartment and on top of life, etc. Everything is great.

But these feelings and the scars have resurfaced. On Paddys Day we ended up having a huge argument, and another "fake up". It all traced back to L, I wont go into detail about how we started talking about it but we did. It got to the point where she basically made me confess that I had fancied L - something I constantly denied and fought. To be honest, I never believed I had feelings for L and sometimes I still doubt if I ever did, sometimes I think I was just extremely naive and a bit of a d*ckhead (which I was either way) but on paper when you look at how I acted and what the story was I guess there is no 2 ways about it so I just go with it. This is something she knew all along anyways but now having it out in the open it just stings. This summer L is going to be at a convention that A is going to be at and probably some festivals of the like too - and A is dreading having to bump into her.

Me and L have since talked about it (we're not really in touch anymore either) and L and A have talked about it. It's all been talked about, resolved, feelings have been felt, etc etc but obviously some wounds linger. A says she often feels inferior and feels bad about herself from a result of this whole event. She obviously felt betrayed by me. Now we get along great for the most part and we still live together and still plan our lives together etc but like I said she's still hurt by it and I still feel awful about it.

I don't know what I can do to "make it better". I can keep re-assuring, which I try to do when she gets reminded and upset by it (not often thankfully, or seemingly so at least). But really for me that just reacknowledges the whole fiasco, reminds both of us of what a c*nt I had been. I feel awful about it and I want to make her feel better about it but I just dunno what I can do. Obviously this is something that needs to go beyond buying her random gifts and saying "I only love you babe" - not that theres anything wrong with those 2 things, but you get what Im saying! -, or maybe she just needs more time? It's been 15-18 months since this whole debacle so I wonder how much longer will it take? Luckily L is leaving the country in September so she wont have to run the risk of being around her...

I don't know guys, simple as. I don't know. How can I amend this? What would you do? What should I do?

Neyite · 17-04-2014 11:26am

badboyfriend wrote: »

It's been 15-18 months since this whole debacle so I wonder how much longer will it take?

I don't know guys, simple as. I don't know. How can I amend this? What would you do? What should I do?

How long would you expect someone to trust you again after an emotional affair? Especially considering its only in the last few weeks you even admitted to the full extent of it.

It takes as long as it takes. You dont get to put a time frame on your girlfriends feelings and emotions especially when full disclosure has only just happened and you are still in contact with the other woman.

What should you do? Cut contact with the other woman and concentrate on your relationship and rebuilding that. You've months to go yet if you've only just begun to be fully honest about what she has known and seen all along.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2014 11:42am

You said: "I firmly believe and hope that she is "the one"

How can that be true with all this emotional cheating going on in the background!

I think you may have just got sucked into the innocently at first and then it went too far.

I can totally see where your gf is coming from. It must be actual torture for her, it's not as simple as just forgetting about it all and putting it out of her mind. She must have some serious doubts about you now as would I if I was in her position.

Just because things get hard in a relationship, that doesnt mean you go running to someone else for emotional comfort. That's something you will have to work on. There comes a time when you have to man/woman up and face the issues/problems head on and communicate. Yes life is hard and can be an emotional rollercoaster at times and I have to agree with Neyite, you need to say toodles to L. Even though you say she's your 'friend' you can see whats happening to your relationship because of your friendship with her.

If you are truly serious about your gf, then you need to let this other girl go, she's not a crutch to use when you fight or fall out with your gf.

I dont know what to say about your gf though, I pity her because it can be very hard to let go of things like this and I can say hand on heart I wouldnt be able to let it go.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2014 11:58am

Well I have essentially cut contact with "L". The last time I talked to her was mid-February and when I talked to her it was about this whole issue. She wanted us to stay friends and I said I would but I haven't contacted her once since then, nor have I any desire to. The last time I talked to her before that was a 10 minute drunken conversation about crap over Christmas and before that it was months... Basically I haven't had a real conversation with her and we haven't truly been friends for over a year now. I cut the emotional cheating crap out a LONG time ago, I'm just still feeling the effects.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2014 12:11pm

I just don't know what to do to make her feel better. I don't know what to say beyond the obvious. I don't know what I can physically DO.

I'm also quite nervous of running into L over the summer when we go to visit our friends (she is going out with one of A's exes who is one of our friends... complicated!) or at festivals etc. I don't know what to say. Do I tell her now that I can't ever be her friend nor do I want to be? Then deal with the awkwardness over the summer? Do I say nothing, be friendly to her in person and forget about it and wait for her to go?

What about A? How is she going to feel? What is she meant to do or say? Ugh, I just don't know anymore. I've created a mess for being such an insincere thoughtless little c*nt. To be honest I cannot WAIT for L to leave the country.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2014 1:40pm

Look, I've been on the other side of the fence in a very similar situation. It's not a good place to be I can guarantee. Your gf is feeling betrayed, insecure, hurt, angry. If she's like I was, she has a huge red alert sign flashing over her head everytime the phone rings, or you're texting, on facebook etc.

She's now thinking back to the times in your relationship when you were arguing or distant or not there for her and trying to relate it back to your time spent with this other girl.

I was in bits for about 4 months and took a good year to get back to something resembling normality.

You've also just made quite a disclosure about a month ago, so everything is fresh in her mind again. The clock has been reset. The fact she's still around however, hopefully means she IS trying her best to trust you but is still finding it difficult.

If you're serious about your relationship with your gf, you need to spend the next however long making damn sure she has no reason NOT to trust you. Delete / block contacts on the phone & online and make sure your gf knows she can check any time. Don't engage with the other girl, full stop.

Above all, TALK. You've mentioned in 2 posts about these festivals. Your gf is clearly anxious. Has it occurred to you not to go? To spend the money you would have spent going anyway and arrange something special for the two of you? That would be a positive message. Ask her. There will be other chances to meet up with friends after September when the other woman is off the scene.

Chucky the tree · 17-04-2014 3:22pm

The way it you worded it, it just seems how two good friends would act. IS the problem that your not allowed make new female friends when you have a girlfriend? Or was it case while this was going on with L you were ignoring A? If the height of physical contact was putting your arm around her on nights out I'm not seeing the huge issue, was their more physical contact when you alone together and drinking?

Ending is probably the only thing I can think of doing, not sure A will ever get over it at this stage.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2014 3:52pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

The way it you worded it, it just seems how two good friends would act. IS the problem that your not allowed make new female friends when you have a girlfriend? Or was it case while this was going on with L you were ignoring A? If the height of physical contact was putting your arm around her on nights out I'm not seeing the huge issue, was their more physical contact when you alone together and drinking?

I'm well allowed to have female friends, I have plenty and there's no issue there. It's just I was very friendly with this woman and would sometimes hang out with L instead of A, especially at crucial moments. The physical contact was never anything more than an arm around her, although A claims she saw L sitting on my lap once (which I don't remember but I could just be repressing it...).

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Ending is probably the only thing I can think of doing, not sure A will ever get over it at this stage.

I knew somebody would say this eventually, somewhat understandably too. Anyways, there is zero desire for either myself or my partner to split up with the other. Like I said we got on great, and have a lovely relationship, but the effects from this drama are still felt - we both are nervous about running into L over the summer, but especially A, A still every now and again (as much as she lets on at least) feels inferior to L and gets upset and generally down. She feels the same way I would or anyone else would for that matter.

I just want to know how I can make this as reassuring and comfortable for her as possible. She knows I love her, but apart from saying the obvious things, I want her to know that she really is and always has been superior in every way possible and that I am genuinely extremely sorry. I don't know how either of us will deal with running into L over the summer, it's going to be awkward.

I think I should just contact L and tell her I can't ever be friends with her and that we shouldn't be even if I wanted to. I'll tell her there's no hard feelings involved and it doesn't need to be awkward (but it definitely will be) but it's just the way it is. Or something. I really just haven't a f*ckin' clue.

strobe · 17-04-2014 4:50pm

Yeah, gonna go against the grain here a little.

Personally I think you're being insanely hard on yourself and your gf is being extremely unfair to you.

Am I missing something out here? You ended up spending a lot of time (maybe a little too much) with a girl 18 months ago, a year and a half ago, you never kissed her, you didn't sleep together, but it became an issue for your gf and in your relationship, and you put an end to it and are not even keeping in touch with the girl any more.

Honestly I don't think your gf has any right to keep continuously dragging this up and throwing it in your face. It sounds like she's being a massive cow (sorry, no offense, I realise she's your gf) tbh.

I think you need to sit down with her, ask her does she forgive you or not, and if she does then she has to drop it and get a grip on herself and not keep digging it up and throwing it at you whenever you two go through a sticky patch.

You didn't cheat on her, you were quite inconsiderate perhaps, but its a minor transgression that happened well over a year ago. Stop beating yourself up and snap out of the mind frame that your gf has a right to perpetually and indefinitely punish you for something a lot of people wouldn't even consider a thing.

My advice would be if you want to save your relationship, you've got to be the one to spell it out to your gf that she either forgives you (and when you forgive someone for something you don't get to also continue to beat them over the head with it afterwards) or she doesn't. Because she seems completely unwilling to accept that conclusion on her own.

Chucky the tree · 17-04-2014 5:04pm

badboyfriend wrote: »

I knew somebody would say this eventually, somewhat understandably too. Anyways, there is zero desire for either myself or my partner to split up with the other. Like I said we got on great, and have a lovely relationship, but the effects from this drama are still felt - we both are nervous about running into L over the summer, but especially A, A still every now and again (as much as she lets on at least) feels inferior to L and gets upset and generally down. She feels the same way I would or anyone else would for that matter.

I just want to know how I can make this as reassuring and comfortable for her as possible. She knows I love her, but apart from saying the obvious things, I want her to know that she really is and always has been superior in every way possible and that I am genuinely extremely sorry. I don't know how either of us will deal with running into L over the summer, it's going to be awkward.

I think I should just contact L and tell her I can't ever be friends with her and that we shouldn't be even if I wanted to. I'll tell her there's no hard feelings involved and it doesn't need to be awkward (but it definitely will be) but it's just the way it is. Or something. I really just haven't a f*ckin' clue.

There's no magic formula or word you can say to make it better. At the end of the day it's your gf who has the issues and it's mainly her only will have to deal with them herself.

Emotionally cheated on my partner

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