'Coping' with depression in college, my story

EPCal95

Here I am at 6 o' clock in the morning in my college dorm, with absolutely no idea what I'm doing with myself. I can't sleep, and there is a 2,000 word assignment im supposed to be doing due for tomorrow and I haven't done much of it. Not because I'm lazy, I just don't feel the burden of responsibility and possible repercussion anymore. I don't really feel anything these days... Here's my story.

Nothing too short of cliché to be terribly honest... I'm 19 years of age, in my first year of college, and I knew coming into the start of the year that I had underlying issues with my mental health, I wouldn't have considered it depression at the time, but it was enough to limit me to 4-2 hours sleep a night during my Leaving Cert year, which of course caused me undue pressure and stress on top of exam woes. In my first semester, I stupidly decided to ignore what was clearly still a raw, bare, painful issue from the prior months, never went to a councillor, convinced myself I would be fine. During this time I was missing about one or two lectures a week, and getting assignments in at the nick of time, which was ok. For the time being.

I was the 1 individual from a group of 12 friends back home who wasn't attending a college in Dublin. Like my friends, I now reside in my college town, but they have all stayed close to each other in Dublin. Whilst this initially hurt, seeing pictures of them happily together online etc, I still made my own friends, although I had really only made 1 true friend, which turned out to be a bit of a problem at a later stage (I will explain). For this first 2 months I was still heavily losing sleep, constantly tired during the day but I still maintained that started-a-new-journey-in-my-life buzz, and I was genuinely happy with things so far.

The coursework wasn't too bad, I'm studying Music and another Arts subject as part of a Music degree, and I was getting on with things nicely, except my piano practice, which I had simply become lazy at doing... or so I thought.

I had been suffering with bouts of sickness, throat infections, flu's etc during my first semester and I had a suspicion my immune system was down because of my tiredness. Of course, like everything else I ignored this too.

Now back in my hometown, things had been going really well with a girl for whom I had strong feelings for a long time, and I finally conjured the testicular fortitude one night and told her how I felt, feelings which she reciprocated. I went back to college that week having made plans with her to go on a date the very next weekend I returned... I was feeling so good, everything seemed to be going right for me for once in my life, because things generally go wrong for me.

Then my world literally fell to pieces.

The same girl texted me in the middle of a lecture quite early in the week to say she couldn't start anything serious, that she had her Leaving Cert to do and it was the wrong time, things were complicated: excuses basically. I later found out she had committment issues, but at the time I was unaware. I left the lecture pretty much straight away, I was finding it hard to get my head around someone being so keen to doing an almighty U-turn. I moped for a few days, skipped more lectures, lost a lot more sleep, ate very poorly and returned home without having done much for the week. I decided to get some piano done because I hadn't done it in so long, but when I sat down to play, I just simply didn't give a sh*t. I thought maybe it was the mood I was in, I gave myself another week, another week of semi-moping and half-arsing... But still couldn't find the inspiration to play anymore.

And then it just hit me. Everything which seemed so insignificant before became a glaring wound. My sleep problems. My lack of will for music. My on-off sickness, poor my friends going to a different college, my increasing number of skipped lectures, the fact I started to dislike what I was studying, poor dieting, hygiene etc... everything just flip-sided and turned to a negative, seemingly because of the smallest problem of all, my relationship issues. I hid away from everything, everyone I met, my new friend who I eventually fell out with over something trivial... this great new life I had built felt like a farce, a lie, and I began to hate myself, either for living a lie, for feeling sorry for myself or for wasting my parents time and money. Following november exams I failed 3 very easy modules, all because I was becoming this bare, hollow... being, not even something of noteworthy description. I pushed family so far away that I caused my mother to cry, something which I never saw myself doing and which I know will have emotional repercussions for the rest of my life. When I thought I couldn't get any lower, which was the point when I was bursting into tears 3 nights a week for how pointless and down I felt, I actually didn't get lower. Because when dealing with depression there is a certain point where being on any type of scale means comparing yourself to other people, and there comes a point whereby you don't consider yourself anything at all, just a mere spectre among the living. It causes you to feel nothing. Not happiness, not sadness... just nothing. Things I should feel bad for? Don't feel bad, because I don't feel anything. Apathy is a truely darkening thing.At points, I feel so disconnected from the world that it genuinely feels like you're spectating from a different world, and this can be particularly true for large gatherings, parties and such.

Becoming so emotionally reliant, banking on one person for emotional support can be so taxing on your character and charisma, I felt the full extent of its drawbacks. In hindsight, I believe I was doing it to anchor myself from all the drastic changes that were going on in my life, ones that are still going on.

I'm now on a course of anti-depressants and sleep regulators, and I actually dont feel anymore energized or happy. I lost 2 stone in about 3-4 months from poor eating and stress, I'm trying to regain sleep and get myself back to normal, whilst still catching up on assignments for a course that I dont have passion for anymore due to my depression. It sickens me, makes me feel dark inside that I cant find the inspiration to follow through with a vocation that I've been passionate about for 14 years. Every time that I come close to getting back on top, something crops up, like a backlog of assignments or an illness, and that just sends me into another downward spiral of isolation and depression again. I'm so lost at the moment and its so difficult aiming for a path whilst attending college at the same time... All I'm doing is waiting for some signs so that I can find my way again. And that is my story.

TL;DR

Guys I implore you, please look after yourself, and don't ignore what your body is telling you, especially your head. I have felt the full pain of what it is like to deal with depression during college, and it is not easy. If it is within your doing, I advise you to get yourself 100% physically and mentally better before tackling something like college, because you will live to regret it further down the road. I know my story is quite long and detailed, probably poor and tedious at times, haha, but I needed to get it out there, people need to know that there are options out there for them if they are dealing with these kind of things and need to be willing to put their own mental health first. Every life is worth something, and we all deserve the chance to do right by ourselves, we just need to give ourselves that little extra push every now and again. Almost every person in the world is going to hit a rough spot in their lives at some stage, but if we get up, push ourselves up from our bad spot then it means we can grow stronger from that bad place we were in. I hope what I have to say can have some kind of positive effect. Thanks for reading, look after yourselves, cheers

RossFixxxed

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time, but what is the point of your post? Is it just a blog post, that's not really what this is for.

When you mention 'commitment issues' the girl is only doing her Leaving Cert, you're SUPPOSED to have commitment issues at that age. It'd be one thing if you were 35 and 10 years together.

Hopefully the meds and doctor will help and things will improve. Your perspective is certainly badly skewed and I hope over time things will pick up. Best of luck!

Neyite

OP, You might find this thread to be more useful to continue your discussion. Personal Issues is an advice forum, and as such, not really suitable for general discussion.