Can’t kiss. Need help!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Serious help needed here from a 24 year old guy. Apologies for the length of the post. Please bear with me.

I was very quiet and shy as a teenager, quite studious didn’t really socialise, stuck to myself, had few friends and never met any girls.
Things all changed for me when I started in University. I started to make loads of friends, became really social and outgoing and generally started having a great time. Of course with this I started to meet girls for the first time in my life. I had never kissed anyone before but I figured how hard could it be? Well very for me, for some strange reason.
I kissed 7 or 8 girls that year …… except I was really bad at it for some strange reason. I mean I literally just couldn’t do it, started hitting their tongue, roof of their months etc etc. Just couldn’t do it properly. This obviously left some very very disappointed young ladies. This made me really nervous about the whole situation and I started to avoid meeting girls at all.

Fast forward 5 years and we are in the same situation. I really just avoided girls after that. None of my friends really seemed to notice my lack of romance as I am regarded as quite funny and a bit of a charmer. I get on very well with girls and always seem to have a few interested in me when they get to know me and I sometimes get girls approaching me on nights out in pubs and clubs. Obviously everyone knows I have never had a girlfriend but most just assume I am not a relationship or a commitment sort of guy. Obviously due to being a really bad kisser things have never progressed to anything else for me, if you know what I mean.

I wasn’t even particularly bothered by my problem until 8 months ago. I am finished Uni and working now. I live in a house share with some friends of the same age.
Last August a random girl moved into the house replacing a friend who was moving out. I was really taken with her immediately, for the first time in my life I had met someone I genuinely liked. She is pretty, sweet, hip & cool, clever & funny. There was a real spark between us and we got on brilliantly from the outset. All the rest of the flatmates noticed and were commenting on how perfect we were for each other and saying it was only a matter of time before we got together. She seemed really keen, always spent time with me and was constantly inviting me to go to gigs, hang out with her etc.
Obviously due to my issues I always politely declined her offers. However I liked this girl so much I knew I couldn’t let her go. I decided to move out of the house at the start of March and then ask her out. I subsequently learned from the others in the house that everyone thought we were already a couple at this stage and I was moving out to help the relationship grow. After I left, we went out for dinner & drinks. I had one of the best nights of my life as she really is amazing. As usual we got on great and of course she asked me back to the old house for wine at the end of the evening. However when the crucial moment came I couldn’t make the move as she had certain expectations of me that I knew I couldn’t meet. I made my excuses and left before we kissed.

Here we are a month later, after that night she got really upset with me. She thinks I never had any interest in her and that I was leading her on when nothing could be further from the truth. She is ignoring my texts and I have heard from the other housemates that she is still quite upset and has made it clear she does not want to see me again.

I am absolutely gutted and I think about her all the time. I know something needs to change and I need to overcome my problem as I am still a young man and I am missing out on so much.

What can I do to overcome this problem and make myself better at this? There is no advice anywhere on the internet.

gaynorvader

Be honest with her. Tell her you have a bit of a mental block with kissing, that that's why you acted so weird. Tell her you really like her, ask her for another chance. Ask her if she'd be willing to help you improve your kissing 'technique'. Most people aren't naturally great kissers, it takes practice like everything else.
If she's still not willing to take you back/doesn't believe your reasons, next time you find a girl, be upfront. Most girls will find it funny or cute.

LegacyUser

I know from experience that girls do not find it funny or cute, for a guy of my age this is a serious problem as everybody else has been doing it since they were 12 or 13 years of age.

I am going to reach out to her and explain the situation, I hope she will be understanding as she really is the sort of girl that I feel I can trust with anything.

If she doesn’t understand there must be something to practice on my own to get better at it ?

I meet plenty of girls who seem to like me but my sort of mental block stops me doing anything about it. This cannot go on, as I said I am missing out on so much.

bluemagpie

I think you're better off just saying it like the other poster said. I don't think any girl who is worth being with will have a problem with it, it isn't that serious at all, and this way they get to show you what they like

Penny Tration

I really agree that you should explain why you didn't make a move. Hopefully she'll understand and give you a chance.

With regards to practise, your hand. This is going to sound cocky, but I've been told by most people I've kissed (and it's been a lot, what with drunk nights out) that I'm a great kisser. I didn't kiss anyone til I was 16, but practised on the back of my hand, as silly as it sounds. It's all about getting the tongue moving the right way, so practise in a way that you're not moving it all around you hand, because kissing a mouth is a small enough space.

It's not a big deal though. I've dated some awful kissers (I'm female, 25), and all of them became waaaaay better just by us kissing regularly.

Czarcasm

The first thing I will say to you OP is that if this girl has been ignoring your texts and has made it clear she doesn't want to see you again, you're only going to antagonise the situation. She obviously won't be the last girl you feel the same way about or get on so well with. Best just chalk this one down to experience.

And that's your basic problem OP - lack of confidence due to lack of experience, and anyone with experience will tell you that there are no 'techniques' or 'tips' to being a great kisser. The expectations you thought this girl had, they were your expectations of yourself more than they were hers, and you're driving yourself to the point of frustration where you can't just relax like you were five minutes earlier before you thought about kissing her.

I'm not a fan of kissing inanimate objects myself - your hand, mirrors, jelly (you'd be surprised what people will swear by!), but the more obvious part of green_screens post above is that she's had lots of people tell her she's a great kisser - experience, with people!

A mirror or your hand will never simulate the freaky feeling of a girl trying to wrap her tongue around your lungs by going down your throat! That's something you're going to have to get to grips with too OP - not every girl is going to kiss you the way you like to be kissed either!

My best suggestion is you stop overthinking it and let what happens, happen naturally, go with the flow, you might think you're a bad kisser, but the girl you're kissing may think you're the best kiss she's ever had. That's something you can't practice on your own, kissing is one of those things you can only practice by doing, and that's the only way you'll gain experience that'll give you the confidence to want to do it more often.

Obliq

Another thing is ...be gentle! For a first kiss, the lightest and softest touch of lips is the most amazing thing, and that doesn't have to be speeded through to immediate tongues and all up inside each other's mouths at all. Nice and slow, and exploration can happen at it's own speed. You also don't have to make the first move with using your tongue, and maybe just try and return what she is doing, taking note of whether it's soft or hard exploring, and taking note of when that eases off....

It's all about going with the flow (easier said than done, I realise that, especially when you're under pressure from your expectations and you already think you're getting it wrong), and just moving slowly with the other person into further passion. If the person you're kissing pulls away a bit, then back to the softly-softly kisses.