Obsessing about his ex

LegacyUser

Hi, Just wanted to get an outsider's perspective on this.

I can't say I'm obsessed but I sometimes find myself checking up on my boyfriend's ex, especially when I'm bored. It is mostly maybe once every two weeks when I have some free time or when I'm alone, I will check her facebook page and look at her photos (with him when they were together) and stuff.

I love my bf and we recently moved in together after going out for 1.5 years. He's a lovely guy all in all and we have a great relationship together and started talking about future plans as well.

I suppose the only thing when we first started going out, he told me a lot about his ex and I know for a fact they were in regular touch until myself and he got serious (as in when we started saying I love you's). She was very needy and was constantly looking for his attention even after they broke up. I confronted him on this and since then he has stopped talking to her completely.

When we first started going out, he showed me her facebook page when we were talking about our ex's. After that, I went back to check on her page again - I suppose mostly out of curiosity. I'm usually very busy but when I do have time to check FB, I sometimes check her page. I don't know why! If it's any relevance, I'm not friends with my bf as he doesn't use facebook at all even though he has a facebook page. Obviously, he is still friends with her but he has shown me his page and it is completely empty, bar a few photos.

I don't find her attractive - she's quite chubby (I'm naturally slim - fast metabolism!) and since they broke up, she's been partying a lot and has been sort of out of shape. I sometimes wonder how he fell for me - obviously because I'm so different from her in personality but we look completely different as well - hair colour, style, makeup. He has told me that herself and I are completely polar opposite and that we wouldn't get along at all in person.

I don't think I feel insecure and I completely trust my boyfriend so can't understand why I feel the need to check her page at all.

Any opinions?

Czarcasm

rathernot11 wrote: »

I don't think I feel insecure and I completely trust my boyfriend so can't understand why I feel the need to check her page at all.

Any opinions?

Ahh OP come on! You're comparing yourself to your boyfriends ex and you don't think you're even the slightest bit insecure? You might have some excuse if it was initially curiosity, but checking up on her every two weeks, and checking your boyfriends page (are you checking to see if there's been even so much as a like from her on any of his photos, or vice versa?), eesh!

Honestly OP, for your own sanity I'd suggest you get out of the habit of checking up on this girl and measuring yourself up against her. Accept the fact that your boyfriend sees qualities in you that he doesn't see in this other girl, regardless of what's on the surface.

Straight up question - Do you perceive this girl as a threat to your current relationship?

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

Ahh OP come on! You're comparing yourself to your boyfriends ex and you don't think you're even the slightest bit insecure? You might have some excuse if it was initially curiosity, but checking up on her every two weeks, and checking your boyfriends page (are you checking to see if there's been even so much as a like from her on any of his photos, or vice versa?), eesh!

Honestly OP, for your own sanity I'd suggest you get out of the habit of checking up on this girl and measuring yourself up against her. Accept the fact that your boyfriend sees qualities in you that he doesn't see in this other girl, regardless of what's on the surface.

Straight up question - Do you perceive this girl as a threat to your current relationship?

There were times when I felt like she was a threat to our relationship but all the issues have been resolved.

But I suppose it has somewhat become a habit of such to check up on her. My bfs Facebook page is almost nonexistent as he doesn't use it at all n my fb page is very quiet too.

When she was constantly texting n calling me I got the feeling that she was bored n lonely. Even though ky bf doesn't answer her anymore I suppose I want to be assured that she keeps herself busy ie.shes not going to run to him looking for attention again. (She posts a lot of the things she does on Facebook! )

ABajaninCork

rathernot11 wrote: »

Hi, Just wanted to get an outsider's perspective on this.

I can't say I'm obsessed but I sometimes find myself checking up on my boyfriend's ex, especially when I'm bored. It is mostly maybe once every two weeks when I have some free time or when I'm alone, I will check her facebook page and look at her photos (with him when they were together) and stuff.

I love my bf and we recently moved in together after going out for 1.5 years. He's a lovely guy all in all and we have a great relationship together and started talking about future plans as well.

I suppose the only thing when we first started going out, he told me a lot about his ex and I know for a fact they were in regular touch until myself and he got serious (as in when we started saying I love you's). She was very needy and was constantly looking for his attention even after they broke up. I confronted him on this and since then he has stopped talking to her completely.

I reckon you don't trust your BF. Why else are you cyber-stalking his ex?

rathernot11 wrote: »

When we first started going out, he showed me her facebook page when we were talking about our ex's. After that, I went back to check on her page again - I suppose mostly out of curiosity. I'm usually very busy but when I do have time to check FB, I sometimes check her page. I don't know why! If it's any relevance, I'm not friends with my bf as he doesn't use facebook at all even though he has a facebook page. Obviously, he is still friends with her but he has shown me his page and it is completely empty, bar a few photos.

rathernot11 wrote: »

I don't find her attractive - she's quite chubby (I'm naturally slim - fast metabolism!) and since they broke up, she's been partying a lot and has been sort of out of shape. I sometimes wonder how he fell for me - obviously because I'm so different from her in personality but we look completely different as well - hair colour, style, makeup. He has told me that herself and I are completely polar opposite and that we wouldn't get along at all in person.

Plain bitchy and smacks of insecurity. I don't care what you say. Why are you so concerned about her body shape? And sorry, but the fact she's 'partying a lot' and is 'out of shape' is nothing to do with you. It's not your business.

rathernot11 wrote: »

I don't think I feel insecure and I completely trust my boyfriend so can't understand why I feel the need to check her page at all.

Any opinions?

I think you're a bit insecure. He's shown you his FB page, and there's nothing on it. Yet - you keep checking out his ex's page. I'm not sure why either. Surely you cannot be that bored that you have to snoop on other people's lives?

I'd be trying to break this habit, and soon before you do damage to your relationship. If you feel the need to look at the ex's page? Close down the FB and look at another site - RTE, Boards - anything!

Better still - step away from FB altogether. People tend to place far too much importance on it TBH.

Tokyo

OP, it's sometimes easy lose yourself in thoughts of comparing yourself to past partners of the person you're with, but if you're going through your partner's ex's facebook every two weeks to stare at photos of them together and analyse how she looks, then that does come across as somewhat obsessive, sorry to say. Everyone has a history of past relationships, and imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and your boyfriend was peering through your ex's facebook every fortnight without fail - I imagine you'd think he was being pretty foolish.

Your boyfriend obviously sees a longterm future with you - and she's an ex for a reason. Continuing down the path you're on is not only unhealthy for you, it could jeopardise the relationship that you already have. Rather than analysing this girl's every flaw and wondering what he saw in her, perhaps you should focus more on the positive things he sees in you? And block her facebook?

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, it's sometimes easy lose yourself in thoughts of comparing yourself to past partners of the person you're with, but if If you're going through your partner's ex's facebook every two weeks to stare at photos of them together and analyse how she looks, then that does come across as somewhat obsessive, sorry to say. Everyone has a history of past relationships, and imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and your boyfriend was peering through your ex's facebook every fortnight without fail - I imagine you'd think he was being pretty foolish.

Your boyfriend obviously sees a longterm future with you - and she's an ex for a reason. Continuing down the path you're on is not only unhealthy for you, it could jeopardise the relationship that you already have. Rather than analysing this girl's every flaw and wondering what he saw in her, perhaps you should focus more on the positive things he sees in you? And block her facebook?

Thanks for your honest opinions n it does seem like I'm a bit insecure seeing it written here after all.

I didn't mean to be bitchy about how she looked but I suppose I had to find a reason to not like her. I do understand we all have a past and also that they are ex's for a reason.

I'm not the kind of person who puts all my personal life on fb so I guess I got a bit carried away when all their past relationship was laid out on her fb page.

I do realise I may have issues n ill really have to try n stop looking at her fb page.
Thanks again.

Czarcasm

rathernot11 wrote: »

When she was constantly texting n calling me I got the feeling that she was bored n lonely. Even though ky bf doesn't answer her anymore I suppose I want to be assured that she keeps herself busy ie.shes not going to run to him looking for attention again. (She posts a lot of the things she does on Facebook! )

OP you see what you said there about what your boyfriends ex does when she's bored? What do you do when you're bored? You go checking on her!

Your need to control your boyfriend, and your need to control this girl OP could backfire spectacularly. I get that you may not trust this girl around your boyfriend, but you trust your boyfriend, right? So why the need to make sure this girl is keeping herself busy? Jesus OP tbh whatever way you try to spin that, it still sounds bad, but I'm keeping an open mind here as I don't think you actually fully understand how your behaviour looks from an outside perspective.

I don't think it was a good idea to go into so much detail about your ex's tbh, but is your boyfriend aware of your current behaviour? It's not a good sign OP when he has to reassure you like that. You shouldn't need such reassurance if you think you're not as needy or insecure as the girl you think you have nothing in common with.

wispa9

OP I've been in a similar situation, and tbh it was more of a habit than anything else! I don't have the best willpower, so I downloaded a browser app where you can block certain pages. After a few weeks of this I wasn't even trying to look at the profile in question.
Now, if your reasons are less because of habit and more because of insecurity, then it mightn't be as easily solved...

beauty101

rathernot11 wrote: »

I didn't mean to be bitchy about how she looked but I suppose I had to find a reason to not like her. I do understand we all have a past and also that they are ex's for a reason.

You don't need to find a reason "to not like her". She's his ex, so as long as she's not in your circle of friends then she's irrelevant to your relationship

LegacyUser

OP I know the feeling, going out with my bf over a year and found myself checking on his exs page, we have mutual friends because of people I met through him. They didn't end on good terms and my bf mentioned her a lot when we were first going out.

Like you, me and her are the complete opposite in terms of looks etc. and I would question why he would be with me. My only exception is she was posting about him and how she missed him, which annoyed me considering how badly she had messed up (won't go into detail).

I find the best thing to do is block the profile, beat the urge to unblock. He's with you, not her, don't add someone else into the equation. We all have a past but enjoy the present, and future with your bf and break the habit. Best of luck

Big Bag of Chips

rathernot11 wrote: »

ill really have to try n stop looking at her fb page.

mike_ie wrote: »

...block her facebook?

You don't have to "try" to stop looking at her page. Facebook makes it very easy for you to not see stuff you don't want to.

Block her.

Problem solved.

Edit: Just as an aside, is her page and all her photos set to "public" so that anyone can see them, or are you logging into your bf's page to check on her?

Linka

As others have said, block her. You've an unhealthy obsession with this girl. You do realise that it's not a crime to stay in touch with exes, right? Every ex relationship you have doesn't have to result in burnt bridges. I question what you regard as "needy" in fact.

She's also not the only one that broadcasts her life on facebook. It wouldn't be my thing, but loads of people do it as a means of networking and keeping in touch with others.

rathernot11 wrote: »

I don't find her attractive - she's quite chubby (I'm naturally slim - fast metabolism!) and since they broke up, she's been partying a lot and has been sort of out of shape.

This is something else you want to address. You might have been looking for a reason to dislike her which I don't get, but this is just down right nasty. Nastiness is not a nice trait in a person op.