Kinda regret not giving guy a chance/but am I shallow

LegacyUser

I'm a 26 year old girl and about 1 year ago there was this guy that used to flirt and joke with me at work, I knew he fancied me but I wasn't interested because I wasn't attracted, he was quite overweight plus he was about 9 years older than me even though he was nice .Anyway I don't work in the same place as him anymore and we used to chat on FB but I decided to ignore his messages as I didn't want to lead him on or think there was interest there. Anyway he eventually stopped too because I didn't reply, his facebook account has been fairly inactive for the past few months but just recently I saw a pic of him on hols that some other girl tagged him in on a beach in corfu and OMG he looks so different, he definitely looks like he has lost a lot of weight but not only that he looks like hes been spending time in gym because his body is unreal. I am tempted to send him a text or fb message to see if he's still interested, what ye reckon

ABajaninCork

NO!!! Just let it lie now. You missed the boat...

And yes - you DO sound very shallow IMO. Sorry!

Tokyo

OP, you're entitled to be attracted to a particular body type - I think we all are, whether we admit it or not. But to be honest the way you word it in your post makes you sound as shallow as a parking lot puddle. Fair enough you weren't interested in him a year ago, but you "decided to ignore his messages as I didn't want to lead him on or think there was interest there". It sounds like you didn't even respect him as a friend before due to his appearance, let alone anything else.

Message him by all means, maybe he'll be single and interested. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a response if he's gleaned any idea of why you treated him the way you did before.

Vito Corleone

He will message you back saying "You want this, you can't have this." He probably planned the whole thing.

Czarcasm

He'll still be nine years older than you OP, and his weight loss may also have changed his personality, to the point where he may have become equally as shallow as yourself, and may consider you beneath his league!

There's nothing to stop you messaging him OP, it could have a positive outcome, but have you given any thought to the possibility of you being the person getting shot down this time and the knock that could do to your self confidence?

Ham Sambo

You answered your own question - shallow.

Lenmeister

I have a feeling this is going to happen. --> See picture.

You weren't attracted to him before because even though he was a nice guy he was overweight, and that's fine. You're only interested now because he has a nice body. If he has half a brain he'll smell you a mile away because all you see is a fit body.

You've every right to go for what you want, we all want to be with someone physically attractive. But because you just ignored him before, he's going to put 2 + 2 together and probably won't like the answer.

Either way you won't know until you message him, you've nothing to lose anyway by messaging him. He might actually think to himself "sweet this chick digs me now, all those hours in the gym were worth it" so just go for it, nothing to lose.

Pawwed Rig

If you are basing a potential relationship purely on looks then sorry OP but that is extremely shallow. Let the guy find someone who likes him for who he is rather than someone who already rejected him.

Emme

Why didn't you go out with him when he was overweight and encourage him to get fit? By the looks of things he's gone now and it would be unwise to message him unless you want him to blow you out. The only legitimate way to contact him is to message him saying you're updating your FB and ask him if he wants to stay connected to you there. The answer to that might be "no" so be prepared.

If he hasn't been active on FB for a while and is suddenly back on looking hot then it could be a ploy to get your attention. Or not. He has probably moved on.

It is shallow to reject someone because of their weight if they are otherwise nice but why should we date somebody because they are unhealthy and they don't attract us? Some men don't think twice about passing over women they find unattractive. If this guy hadn't found you attractive in the first place he wouldn't have shown an interest in you.

My advice - put it behind you and give guys more of a chance in future. If they're willing to work on themselves and improve their health and fitness they're worth it, but if they don't want to improve themselves move on.

Taltos

Emme - please no more generalisations - not all men think or behave like that. Take a minute now to review our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

Idle Passerby

Leave the man alone! It sounds like he's with someone who actually likes him! If you thought he'd buy your sudden interest now you'd be betting on him having very poor self worth.

I don't think you're remotely interested in the guy, you're just hoping he will stroke your ego again, and its more of an ego stroke to be chased by a fit guy.

Teyla Emmagan

Leave him alone! Let him have a chance to find someone who likes him for who he really is. You clearly didn't even respect him as a friend. He deserves better IMO.

Neyite

I actually think that you should get in touch. That would be a nice reward, and self esteem boost for all his hard work in getting fit to see the person who wouldnt give him the time of day a year or so ago getting all interested in him now he is a stunner.

Maybe something will come out of it for you with him, or maybe not.

Emme

Taltos wrote: »

Emme - please no more generalisations - not all men think or behave like that. Take a minute now to review our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

OK, I've changed it. I can't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time. She didn't find the guy attractive when he was overweight. Men sometimes post here saying they don't fancy their partners after gaining weight. If the OP had been overweight herself when she met this guy first he may not have been interested in her even though he was nice.

Pawwed Rig

Emme wrote: »

OK, I've changed it. I can't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time. She didn't find the guy attractive when he was overweight. Men sometimes post here saying they don't fancy their partners after gaining weight.

The OP didn't find him attractive based on what he looked like. He is still the same person now so how can he go from someone she did not want any contact with to someone she now sees as a potential partner. Few successful relationships are based on looks and those that are are shallow which is what the OP has asked in her opening post.

Emme wrote: »

If the OP had been overweight herself when she met this guy first he may not have been interested in her even though he was nice.

We have no reason to think this is the case so it is not worthy of debate. I have had crazy crushes on lots of girls that were not classically beautiful based on getting to know them as a person. This is just as likely to be the case as your premise.

There is no basis for a relationship here.

Addle

Emme wrote: »

OK, I've changed it. I can't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time. She didn't find the guy attractive when he was overweight. Men sometimes post here saying they don't fancy their partners after gaining weight. If the OP had been overweight herself when she met this guy first he may not have been interested in her even though he was nice.

Do you know for sure OP that he was interested in you 'romantically'?
Maybe he was just being a nice friendly colleague and you've misconstrued his feelings towards you.
He may not have been interested in you then, nevermind now.
If you want to ask him out, do.
If he says no, will it bother you much?

Czarcasm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The OP didn't find him attractive based on what he looked like. He is still the same person now so how can he go from someone she did not want any contact with to someone she now sees as a potential partner. Few successful relationships are based on looks and those that are are shallow which is what the OP has asked in her opening post.

He's obviously not the same person though if something motivated him to lose weight (I don't think it's beyond the bounds of possibility that it was the OP's initial waning interest that gave him the motivation). I think to be fair to the OP though she's not as shallow as even she thinks she is. She talked to the guy and considered him a friend, but the attraction just wasn't there, his personality couldn't make up for what he lacked in physical appearance, to the OP at least. Successful relationships are a combination of both - attraction to the person, AND their personality. It helps to keep in mind too that the OP is only 26, and this guy is nine years older, so the fact that they could be at different life stages is also a factor in determining attraction. I can't really fault the OP for wanting five minutes between the sheets with a guy who just knocked her socks off, surely that is a possible factor in what motivated this guy to lose the weight, and if so, does that make him as shallow as the OP? Maybe, maybe not, but the OP won't know unless she takes that chance. I'd be letting it go myself tbh and finding someone around my own age who I was attracted to physically and mentally and if I was looking for a relationship (which the OP never stated was her intention), I'd be thinking they'd want to have the same general outlook on life and values as I do, but I couldn't imagine waking up to the same ugly face every day if I wasn't attracted to them, no matter how much they made me laugh!

We have no reason to think this is the case so it is not worthy of debate. I have had crazy crushes on lots of girls that were not classically beautiful based on getting to know them as a person. This is just as likely to be the case as your premise.

There is no basis for a relationship here.

Different strikes for different folks really in fairness, and while the OP doesn't initially reflect too favourably on the OP, I think I'd be giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's not Wordsworth, but she had initially given the guy the time of day and befriended him, but just at the time there was no motivation for her to take that friendship beyond anything more. A couple of months later and well, things changed, now the motivation IS there. It must have taken discipline to lose the weight and that is an attractive quality for some people in itself. Maybe the guys attitude and outlook on life are changed too, it's impossible to tell from a picture, and it IS Facebook after all, where most people stick up positive things about themselves, and positivity is attractive!

I think you have to examine ALL the factors OP before you contact this guy to get back in touch, and think about WHY you want back into his life, and is it worth it to find out that he may or may not be the same guy you remember on the inside, rather than what you're initially just seeing on the outside. Could well be a great looking guy, but he's still only human at the end of the day, and how he might welcome or reject you based on his perspective of you and your previous attitude towards him, and what his reaction might be based on that is worth thinking about.

Potatoeman

People are being a bit harsh. You werent attracted to him but you are now. Nothing wrong with that. I would keep in mind that if he is into the gym culture he might be after a gym bunny.

Emme

Potatoeman wrote: »

People are being a bit harsh. You werent attracted to him but you are now. Nothing wrong with that. I would keep in mind that if he is into the gym culture he might be after a gym bunny.

Maybe the OP is a gym bunny herself and that was why she wasn't attracted to him with the weight on.

Geomy

I was on the opposite end of the spectrum, my superficial exe told me that she wasn't attracted to me because I was too skinny, bit stressed out and wasn't eating well. ..
Had financial difficulties, but back on track again.
Now I've built myself up again got fitter and bought new clothes etc
Was out in Limerick one night lately, un being know to me her friend started to flirt with me at the bar, brought me over to meet her friends.
Low and behold who was in the group only miss superficial, she was mortified.
Anyway I stood my ground, my exe just acted civil gave nothing away.
Later on she apologised for being shallow and not being there when I was down, but sure everyone has a superficial side.
She wished me luck and I forgave her.
Some people are aware other's remain ignorant. ...
You OP have a conscience, go for it you have nothing to loose...

Good luck :-)

ziedth

Emme wrote: »

OK, I've changed it. I can't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time. She didn't find the guy attractive when he was overweight. Men sometimes post here saying they don't fancy their partners after gaining weight. If the OP had been overweight herself when she met this guy first he may not have been interested in her even though he was nice.

To be fair if the sex's were switched I reckon the reaction would be the exact same. Not replying to the Facebook messages seems a bit harsh, it sounds like there were a couple and even the OP tells herself it wasn't to lead him on it's still not a nice thing to do.

Look at it this way, if his personality wasn't worth replying and keep up a friendship when he was overweight surely that same personality wouldn't Work in a relationship now that he's in shape.

Holsten

Yes you're shallow but most of us are.

I would reckon your chances with this guy would be close to zero though.

Lou.m

Yes you are shallow.

If gender roles were reversed and a girl had lost weight it would be just as bad. SO PAY ATTENTION MEN!!!!

If you really liked him you would have been attracted regardless. Real feelings are blind to that. Love is blind etc.

I am skinny if i thought a guy was with me for that I would not be with him. I dislike shallow people. Attraction is deep it goes beyond looks. It is character kindness like mindedness etc.

Basing something on a facebook pic seems crazy OP.

Neyite

Lou.m wrote: »

If you really liked him you would have been attracted regardless. Real feelings are blind to that. Love is blind etc.

Its not as black and white as that I think. My partner and I knew each other for about 4 years in an office setting. I thought he was sound, he was popular and well liked by everyone. I had a very high opinion of him but never thought about him that way.

Then he left the company, and about a year later I run into him in a pub. Well, he had only gone and gotten a job labouring and was all tanned and toned from working outside for the summer and absolutely gorgeous in a t-shirt and jeans. I had only every seen him in shirt/tie/pants before and yes, my eyes were out on stalks.

But 10 years down the line, that initial attraction is still there, though both of us have changed physically a fair bit - both of us have a few more wrinkles, he has seen me in pregnancy, post birth, and sleep deprived. He has a bit less hair, we both are a bit more grey, but still fancy each other as much as we did that night 10 years ago. It goes deeper now, and stronger.

Initial attraction has to evolve into a deeper attraction that goes deeper than skin, but you don't get the latter without the former kicking it off, I think.

BritGirl1992

OP, I can't speak for you or this man in particular, but I have seen this sort of thing happen with some men before.
I wouldn't bother if I were you.

The chances are he was motivated into drastically changing his appearance by having his advances ignored or rejected by women, so he'll probably be conscious of the fact you ignored his Facebook messages and notice that you're only taking an interest now he's changed, if he's bitter and pig headed about it, he will knock you down really hard and try to rub it in your face that he thinks he's now "out of your league", and even if he's not, he will probably still say no simply because it sounds like he's moved on and doesn't want to be with someone who didn't take a second look at him before.

I won't berate you for being 'shallow'. I think that's complete nonsense. Everyone is entitled to be attracted to what they like, and it doesn't sound like you were ever an unfriendly person to him. When you get in a relationship with someone, you do because you like them and would be happy being with them, not because you have to "give them a chance" or because it'd be "shallow" not to.

Soft Falling Rain

How do you know he fancied you OP? Anyway regardless of shallowness you're entitled to show interest towards someone, just as he's entitled to tell you where to go.

cloudatlas

am I shallow wrote: »

just recently I saw a pic of him on hols that some other girl tagged him in on a beach in corfu

What if you contact him and you get together and a year down the line he puts all the weight back on? What then O.P.? Will it be too late for you to back out?

If that doesn't give you pause for thought then what about this other girl who tagged him in the picture. Perhaps he's with someone else now who appreciates him. Why spoil his happiness? because reading between the lines you don't sound very sure if you like him for who he is.

skallywag

Don't agree with the highhorse posters on this thread, it's not the OP's fault that she did not find him attractive when he was overweight.

Nothing to lose in trying OP, though he may of course form the opinion that you yourself have gone in the opposite direction lookswise in the last 12 months, ying-yang etc ..

beks101

Well OP, put yourself in his shoes.

Imagine you went out and spent months getting into cracking shape and some guy who flat-out wasn't interested in you before and couldn't afford you the courtesy of replying to your facebook messages suddenly came back on the radar and was sniffing around you like a dog in heat. How would you feel?

Personally I wouldn't remotely consider them as someone I'd want to spend time with, not because they're 'shallow' per say, but because if anything did happen between us, I'd always wonder down the line if the attraction would 'disappear' again. What if I got sick and couldn't work out? What if I got pregnant? What if I struggled with weight gain again in the future?

I don't think you should beat yourself up about being 'shallow' per say; none of us can control who or what we're attracted to. An athletic body would be pretty high on my list of physically attractive traits too.

But I think you should consider the fact that you've already 'rejected' the guy before he got in shape - and coming crawling back now that he's a bit easier on the eye would appear to him to be a blatant expression of objectification, a sort of 'I like you, but with terms and conditions', which no man or woman wants to feel. Personally, although I fully understand the superficial nature of attraction - which rules us all, me included - I'd feel as though my personality and everything else was incidental to the fact that I made a habit out of hitting the gym a bit more now. And I'd probably, rationally or irrationally, feel a bit resentful.