how to make friends?

The Nice Guy

Hi everyone,

I know this is an issue that comes up quite a lot on the forum so I apologise if people are getting tired of it.
My problem is a serious lack of friends due to people going off to Australia and the likes and just general growing apart I guess.
I have exactly no friends left.

I'm a 28 year old male and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what to do about it.
I'm unemployed at the moment so I have a lot of time on my hands to let everything bother me.
I'm a very shy person at first until I get to know someone which I guess doesn't help when trying to make friends.

I have done a little research myself and found the meet up website which looks great if your comfortable with meeting a lot of new people at once.
I would have an issue with that as I'd be the type of person to clam up in a situation like that. I have always had trouble meeting new people and always felt a bit more comfortable talking to the opposite sex for some reason.
I'm not looking for anything more than friendship though just so we're clear.
I'm very down about the situation at the moment so if anyone could offer any advice I would appreciate that.

In my desperation I did try some sites online to get chatting to people but I find unless there attracted to you they won't really write back, even though as friends looks should be irrelevant.

Thank you

chinacup

The Nice Guy wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I know this is an issue that comes up quite a lot on the forum so I apologise if people are getting tired of it.
My problem is a serious lack of friends due to people going off to Australia and the likes and just general growing apart I guess.
I have exactly no friends left.

I'm a 28 year old male and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what to do about it.
I'm unemployed at the moment so I have a lot of time on my hands to let everything bother me.
I'm a very shy person at first until I get to know someone which I guess doesn't help when trying to make friends.

I have done a little research myself and found the meet up website which looks great if your comfortable with meeting a lot of new people at once.
I would have an issue with that as I'd be the type of person to clam up in a situation like that. I have always had trouble meeting new people and always felt a bit more comfortable talking to the opposite sex for some reason.
I'm not looking for anything more than friendship though just so we're clear.
I'm very down about the situation at the moment so if anyone could offer any advice I would appreciate that.

In my desperation I did try some sites online to get chatting to people but I find unless there attracted to you they won't really write back, even though as friends looks should be irrelevant.

Thank you

I think you've answered your own question in the post OP, your unemployed and have time to ruminate which in turn is causing you to panic. Get some work/volunteering going and don't put all this pressure on to make friends, it will come naturally when you've got your own stuff going on. Your situation is completely normal given the climate but now is the time to get out of the rut before bad habits start forming.

The Nice Guy

arf91 wrote: »

I think you've answered your own question in the post OP, your unemployed and have time to ruminate which in turn is causing you to panic. Get some work/volunteering going and don't put all this pressure on to make friends, it will come naturally when you've got your own stuff going on. Your situation is completely normal given the climate but now is the time to get out of the rut before bad habits start forming.

thanks for the reply I will try your suggestion out about volunteer work and see how I get on.

it does seem to be a very common problem these days, it's a wonder there's no friend making site for it, all things considered

Dellnum

There is a site for this, meetup.com

Follaton_Wood

The Nice Guy wrote: »

thanks for the reply I will try your suggestion out about volunteer work and see how I get on.

it does seem to be a very common problem these days, it's a wonder there's no friend making site for it, all things considered

Hi there, have you checked out the smaller meet ups on meetup.com? Maybe a gig or something? You could even arrange to meet someone before heading in, just send them a message saying you're nervous and I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

I'm one to talk because I signed up ages ago and apart from signing up for one and then bottling it, I've done feck all with my account! I completely get how daunting it is with a group. In those situations, I find it helps if I put my 'game face' on, i.e. kind of act the role of this extroverted person and chat to people without investing too much of myself in the conversation - until I come across someone I actually want to know more about

The Nice Guy

Follaton_Wood wrote: »

Hi there, have you checked out the smaller meet ups on meetup.com? Maybe a gig or something? You could even arrange to meet someone before heading in, just send them a message saying you're nervous and I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

I'm one to talk because I signed up ages ago and apart from signing up for one and then bottling it, I've done feck all with my account! I completely get how daunting it is with a group. In those situations, I find it helps if I put my 'game face' on, i.e. kind of act the role of this extroverted person and chat to people without investing too much of myself in the conversation - until I come across someone I actually want to know more about

Hi,
That's not a bad idea actually looking for a smaller meet up to go to, I hadn't thought about that.
I done the same thing myself with regards to signing up to meet up.com and not going to a meet up yet.
That was before Christmas at this stage! Have u any intention of going to one yourself?
I keep telling myself I will then backing out of it

BetterThanThou

I totally understand your problems, I myself have gone through some similar problems. I'm very similar to you, I find it very difficult to talk to people I'm not familiar with, unless I get introduced by someone else. I'd suggest joining some kind of social hobby. Like a sports club, or acting classes, or host of different things. I've been a member of a sports club for the last 3 years, and joining that club was the best decision I've ever made. My social skills have improved greatly. If you do a social hobby like that, you'll get yourself out of the house a decent bit, as well as making new friends. I understand the stress of joining a club like that. But I'd suggest just biting the bullet and joining, I was like you, I had no idea what to expect and I was terrified, the first few sessions were fairly awkward. But within a month of me joining, I had made friends and I was fitting in great. 3 years later, It's very much a part of my lifestyle and myself as a person.

Follaton_Wood

The Nice Guy wrote: »

Hi,
That's not a bad idea actually looking for a smaller meet up to go to, I hadn't thought about that.
I done the same thing myself with regards to signing up to meet up.com and not going to a meet up yet.
That was before Christmas at this stage! Have u any intention of going to one yourself?
I keep telling myself I will then backing out of it

I'm keeping an eye on it but probably not for a while, other stuff going on. I hope you do find a meet up that interests you enough to go to though!

The Nice Guy

BetterThanThou wrote: »

I totally understand your problems, I myself have gone through some similar problems. I'm very similar to you, I find it very difficult to talk to people I'm not familiar with, unless I get introduced by someone else. I'd suggest joining some kind of social hobby. Like a sports club, or acting classes, or host of different things. I've been a member of a sports club for the last 3 years, and joining that club was the best decision I've ever made. My social skills have improved greatly. If you do a social hobby like that, you'll get yourself out of the house a decent bit, as well as making new friends. I understand the stress of joining a club like that. But I'd suggest just biting the bullet and joining, I was like you, I had no idea what to expect and I was terrified, the first few sessions were fairly awkward. But within a month of me joining, I had made friends and I was fitting in great. 3 years later, It's very much a part of my lifestyle and myself as a person.

Follaton_Wood wrote: »

I'm keeping an eye on it but probably not for a while, other stuff going on. I hope you do find a meet up that interests you enough to go to though!

thanks very much for sharing your experience with me, I'm glad to know your doing well now as it gives me hope for the future.
how did you decide on what sports club to join?
I must look into that option myself to see what I can figure out.

Thanks again

@ Follaton_Wood
Thanks, I hope you manage to find one to go to and end up getting what you want from it.
do you live in an area where theres a lot of meet ups on?

Follaton_Wood

The Nice Guy wrote: »

thanks very much for sharing your experience with me, I'm glad to know your doing well now as it gives me hope for the future.
how did you decide on what sports club to join?
I must look into that option myself to see what I can figure out.

Thanks again

@ Follaton_Wood
Thanks, I hope you manage to find one to go to and end up getting what you want from it.
do you live in an area where theres a lot of meet ups on?

I'm in Dub near city centre so yeah there would be a good few!

Lou.m

The Nice Guy wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I know this is an issue that comes up quite a lot on the forum so I apologise if people are getting tired of it.
My problem is a serious lack of friends due to people going off to Australia and the likes and just general growing apart I guess.
I have exactly no friends left.

I'm a 28 year old male and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what to do about it.
I'm unemployed at the moment so I have a lot of time on my hands to let everything bother me.
I'm a very shy person at first until I get to know someone which I guess doesn't help when trying to make friends.

I have done a little research myself and found the meet up website which looks great if your comfortable with meeting a lot of new people at once.
I would have an issue with that as I'd be the type of person to clam up in a situation like that. I have always had trouble meeting new people and always felt a bit more comfortable talking to the opposite sex for some reason.
I'm not looking for anything more than friendship though just so we're clear.
I'm very down about the situation at the moment so if anyone could offer any advice I would appreciate that.

In my desperation I did try some sites online to get chatting to people but I find unless there attracted to you they won't really write back, even though as friends looks should be irrelevant.

Thank you

Hello OP.

It depends really on what kind of friendship you are looking for. Finding people simply to have coffee or drinks with is easier but to find a friendship that lasts longer over time and that you can share things to takes time.

I would say the most important thing is to be mindful of what makes you and others good friends. 1 personality chemistry (in romance it would be body chemistry) 2 Sincerity and genuineness 3 Caring 4 empathy. You should offer these and people should offer them to you.

Look for like minded people.

DO a course or hobby that means a lot to you that might attract like minded people . It helps if they have the same values as yourself or some similarity.

Even if you make only one friend on a course or at a meet up ....that friend might introduce you to more people etc.

Also say to your family that you are looking to make new friends and to invite you out with their friends etc.

Good luck.

The Nice Guy

Follaton_Wood wrote: »

I'm in Dub near city centre so yeah there would be a good few!

I'm about an hour from there but I guess it could be worse, it sounds pretty handy location wise for you

The Nice Guy

Lou.m wrote: »

Hello OP.

It depends really on what kind of friendship you are looking for. Finding people simply to have coffee or drinks with is easier but to find a friendship that lasts longer over time and that you can share things to takes time.

I would say the most important thing is to be mindful of what makes you and others good friends. 1 personality chemistry (in romance it would be body chemistry) 2 Sincerity and genuineness 3 Caring 4 empathy. You should off these and people should offer them to you.

Look for like minded people.

DO a course or hobby that means a lot to you that might attract like minded people . It helps if they have the same values as yourself or some similarity.

Even if you make only one friend on a course or at a meet up ....that friend might introduce you to more people etc.

Also say to your family that you are looking to make new friends and to invite you out with their friends etc.

Good luck.

thanks very much for your input, I wouldn't have been able to come up with some of the ideas if I hadn't of started this thread.
I'm definitely gonna take everyones advice and opinions on board

BetterThanThou

The Nice Guy wrote: »

thanks very much for sharing your experience with me, I'm glad to know your doing well now as it gives me hope for the future.
how did you decide on what sports club to join?
I must look into that option myself to see what I can figure out.

Thanks again

@ Follaton_Wood
Thanks, I hope you manage to find one to go to and end up getting what you want from it.
do you live in an area where theres a lot of meet ups on?

I myself have been a fan of wrestling for years, so naturally, I went and joined a wrestling club. You could pick something you enjoy, or try a few different things until you find something enjoyable. If you enjoy music, maybe do some group music lessons, if you like acting, maybe do acting lessons. If you like art, maybe find an art course. There's so much that you can do, I could throw out 100 suggestions and it's possible none of them are for you. Your local community center could be a good start, even if there's nothing on for you in the community center, they do often have notice boards which have advertisements for a host of activities. You could also go for a look around the internet, most clubs will have some kind of advertisement on the internet.

Lou.m

The Nice Guy wrote: »

thanks very much for your input, I wouldn't have been able to come up with some of the ideas if I hadn't of started this thread.
I'm definitely gonna take everyones advice and opinions on board

Actually I just had this idea.

One of the ways I met a very good friend of mine was when she was organizing a fundraising event.

Getting involved in a project that will need organizing and meet ups before hand where you have a common goal is helpful.

We had to meet a few times and obviously then on the day and we all went out after etc. So things just went from there.


Organizing things is a great way.

But I don't want to bombard you with ideas.

The main thing is to know that you WILL find people and to feel confident in yourself :-)

And of course the club suggestions etc.

Rubberchikken

If you're into sport, a local club would be great.

I know you say you're unemployed, but is there a pay as you go gym in your locality. Common interests are great for conversation oportunities.
Volunteering is great. Organisations are always on the lookout for people.

Dont stress too much about it, you made friends before and it will happen again.