Breaking up with someone you love

fghjkl

I just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for nearly four years and lived together for about three years. He was a wonderful boyfriend and my best friend and I really loved him. Unfortunately we didn't want the same things in life (regarding kids and marriage etc), so we had to make the horribly difficult decision to end it. We never argued about anything and we got along so well, we had lots of similar interests and we really were each other's best friends. He was always so good to me and never wanted to hurt me in any way. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We're in our mid twenties.

I know that it had to be done but it hurts so much. I miss him so much already. I didn't only lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend and someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost wish that he had done something awful so I could be angry with him and it wouldn't feel like throwing away a perfectly good relationship. know that time will heal but right now I feel awful. I just want to talk to him and hold him and be with him. How do you get over breaking up with someone who you love?

beauty101

I'm confused as to why you'd already be talking kids and marriage at such an early stage in life (mid-twenties), in my opinion when people find their feet with their careers etc their ideas regarding marriage and kids can change drastically. However, you've obviously considered this hard OP and it's a shame you couldn't find a resolution.

In my experience the only way to get over a break up is by making time for yourself. If I were you I'd cut contact with him for a while, just a month or two. Right now you want to be close to him but that's not good for either of you, it will just make things harder. Hang out with your girlfriends/family, treat yourself to some pamper time, watch your favourite films. As you guys had a good relationship and obviously a good base friendship, it's possible you may be able to be just friends in the future, but for now you need time. It will get better!

Chazz Michael Michaels

fghjkl wrote: »

I just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for nearly four years and lived together for about three years. He was a wonderful boyfriend and my best friend and I really loved him. Unfortunately we didn't want the same things in life (regarding kids and marriage etc), so we had to make the horribly difficult decision to end it. We never argued about anything and we got along so well, we had lots of similar interests and we really were each other's best friends. He was always so good to me and never wanted to hurt me in any way. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We're in our mid twenties.

I know that it had to be done but it hurts so much. I miss him so much already. I didn't only lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend and someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I almost wish that he had done something awful so I could be angry with him and it wouldn't feel like throwing away a perfectly good relationship. know that time will heal but right now I feel awful. I just want to talk to him and hold him and be with him. How do you get over breaking up with someone who you love?

Give yourself some space, both from him and other guys. Sometimes its easier to jump straight into someone else's arms as they kind of fill the void, but its usually a bad idea to do that, because your emotions are all over the place right. Just lean on your good friends and family for now, and in time you will feel better.

Robson Lobson

beauty101 wrote: »

I'm confused as to why you'd already be talking kids and marriage at such an early stage in life (mid-twenties), in my opinion when people find their feet with their careers etc their ideas regarding marriage and kids can change drastically. However, you've obviously considered this hard OP and it's a shame you couldn't find a resolution.

In my experience the only way to get over a break up is by making time for yourself. If I were you I'd cut contact with him for a while, just a month or two. Right now you want to be close to him but that's not good for either of you, it will just make things harder. Hang out with your girlfriends/family, treat yourself to some pamper time, watch your favourite films. As you guys had a good relationship and obviously a good base friendship, it's possible you may be able to be just friends in the future, but for now you need time. It will get better!

Mid twenties isn't such an early age to discuss kids and marriage, it would be stupid not to as they could waste years together before realising they don't want the same things. On top of that 25-30 is the best time to begin a family for many couples due to better health and fertility and the option of having more children than if they began at 35 say.

December2012

Keep reminding yourself that there was those very important things you didn't agree on.

Love is not enough on its own. It never was and never is.

beauty101

Robson Lobson wrote: »

Mid twenties isn't such an early age to discuss kids and marriage, it would be stupid not to as they could waste years together before realising they don't want the same things. On top of that 25-30 is the best time to begin a family for many couples due to better health and fertility and the option of having more children than if they began at 35 say.

Fair point

gifted

Sometimes the hardest decisions turn out to be the best decisions....What's meant for you will not pass you by...stay busy

fghjkl

Thanks for the replies. The marriage and kids thing wasn't the only reason why we had to do it. His feelings for me weren't as strong as mine were for him so that was the main reason I think. This feels so difficult because normally when I'm upset he'd make me feel better, but now I can't talk to him. And I'm worried about him as well, I just want to go home and make sure he's okay. In a way I want to feel better but in a way I don't, because that means I'm over him and he's in my past. We've agreed we'll be friends though as soon as we can and that we'll always stay in touch.

An Bhanríon

I had to do this once. I can still remember the terrible pain and the panic and the depression...

You have started on the right track by making this decision. You will thank yourself for it in years to come. You also have the cop on to know that things will get better in time and that you can't just flick a switch and feel better.

My advice is to cut contact totally with your ex. Never mind this 'being friends' thing for the moment. It is too painful. Spend time with close friends and family. Try to at least outwardly seem cheerful, but let your nearest and dearest know that you are feeling awful so that they will understand what is really going on. Be REALLY nice to yourself and work slowly at mending your broken heart. Do not be surprised if you think you are okay and then suddenly burst into tears. In time these incidents will occur less often.

Exercise and eat well! This is really important and will help to get rid of that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. (Well, that's where I felt it anyway!)

Things will get better. You will discover that you are more resilient than you thought. And you will start to genuinely smile again.

skooterblue2

Robson Lobson wrote: »

Mid twenties isn't such an early age to discuss kids and marriage, it would be stupid not to as they could waste years together before realising they don't want the same things. On top of that 25-30 is the best time to begin a family for many couples due to better health and fertility and the option of having more children than if they began at 35 say.

I see loads of girls having fertility problems in their early 30's at my acupuncturist clinic. At 16-19 girls having regular unprotected intercourse get pregnant like that. 26-30 is a great age to have kids. you got your college/trade lived a little etc. 30's things dont happen as fast.

After the mid 30's you should really consider the seriousness of having kids, even with assistance. You have a higher chances of autism etc medical technicalities etc. You think ladies in their late 30's and early 40's are having kids like that without assistance? Time and a place for everything.

When picking partners a girl has to be much smarter than a guy because she is on the clock. I think you (pl.) did the right thing. If you cant sing off the one hymn sheet or compromise a little.... it is better than having regrets later. Life is too short and too long for what "if's". If you missed out on having kids and always wanted them... you would blame him for the rest of your life.

I am sorry that it didnt work out between you and him. Better to have known now than later.

skooterblue2

An Bhanríon wrote: »

You have started on the right track by making this decision. You will thank yourself for it in years to come. You also have the cop on to know that things will get better in time and that you can't just flick a switch and feel better.

My advice is to cut contact totally with your ex. Never mind this 'being friends' thing for the moment. It is too painful.

Great advice. You cant move on and still be friends. It will always be there in the background like a background noise "What if...?" or "Maybe if we got backtogether ...". To a classic clear out and move on as fast as possible. He may have time to change his mind later .... you may not.

Gheebag

skooterblue2 wrote: »

Great advice. You cant move on and still be friends. It will always be there in the background like a background noise "What if...?" or "Maybe if we got backtogether ...". To a classic clear out and move on as fast as possible. He may have time to change his mind later .... you may not.

IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY.I still love my ex and would do anything to just hold her again.I know this is not what the OP wants to hear but I just need to YELL this out.

LegacyUser

I would not ring him/text him or arrange to meet him as you are only going to making things harder to move on with your own life.

You have done the right thing ending your relationship if you want marriage/children and he is not as keen on this. I know a few woman who did the same as you and they went on to met men who wanted marriage/kids. I also know one woman who clung onto a relationship thinking it was only a matter of time before he changed his mind. She is now closer to 50 than 40, is single and never had the family she wanted.

At this stage I would start to go out with friends, plan a holiday ect. Just look after yourself, eat well, do some exercise and keep in contact with your friends.
Don't be in any rush to get into a another relationship as you need time to get over the one you ended. Also when you meet someone you want to be happy in your own skin rather then seeing the next man you meet as the father of my children.

skooterblue2

Really OP, this is really hard for you the best (and hardest) thing to do would be to put as much distance (geographical, social, emotional and personal) between the two of you. Where this is not possible give eachother space.

Delete his number,
If he has left the flat, clean it (if you do not find it therapeutic then remember 90% of house hold dust his human skin).
Get rid of the keepsakes. If it does not have a tangible purpose .... bin it or take it to the charity shop.
Keeping stuff like this will keep him candles burning..... snuff them out.
Anything else that was his, that he has not removed .... get rid of it.
Dont go to your old haunts, find new coffee shops and pubs.
Then you start to rebuild.

Start with a social outlet. Tag rugby season is starting..... someone somewhere needs a team member.
Some Charity needs your help at some level.
Upgrade your skills set.... night classes start in September.
Try a new skill, not the easy one... the one you dont have.
Its not going to be easy but in time, it will fade.
When it fades something else will grow in its place.