Brother/Relative Problems

LegacyUser

How to reconcile this within myself?

If I could choose another time to deal with these issues I would but seems to be a time in my life where I am looking these things in the face.

I have had problems getting on with one of my brothers since we were children. I get on great with my other brother but with the other we have clashed on personality for years. We are different people, and that itself is not a big issue, people are different and get on well in spite of that, but I guess it has been a factor with us, or something I have always used to explain our relationship problems.
Another person in my family circle I have had more recent trouble with is an older cousin- older by about 10 years and this guy set out to poison me.

I am in my late twenties now and have experienced a lot in life, and met a lot of people through my work and travel. I think I have worked out my brother's issue and I believe he is taking it out on me as a scapegoat for his unhappiness. I think he is gay and living a lie.
He is engaged to a great person but it is a she and he has gotten worse since the engagement and the lead up to it.

My cousin I have worked out as well has different issues. I don't really want to say too much here but I think this guy has bigger problems than sexuality. Some of you will guess what I mean here.

I found out from his siblings that I was right about his having been bitching about me behind my back- and for nothing. I have done nothing to him so the best he can say is that I am 'fake'. I don't know what else he has said but his siblings are impressionable people and I saw in their sudden change in behaviour towards me that something was being said and so I had asked them straight out and they admitted it.

Both of these men are ruining my family life, utterly.
What can I do? I have tried to move on but am becoming bitter about it now.
It has turned me against my cousins even who should not have let themselves be manipulated by him and I have more or less cut them out of my life but I do miss them.
Still with him around what can I do?

I just need to reconcile this within myself at least.

Tokyo

To be blunt, have you thought of examining your own actions in all of this?

Obviously we are only getting an abridged version of events, but so far you're questioning your brother's sexuality, you are questioning his relationship to his fiancée, and you make allusions to having "worked out" your cousin having serious and disturbing problems. Overall, you seem to be getting involved in aspects of other peoples lives that you really have no business questioning, and are throwing around some serious accusations there that could have disastrous consequences if they got out.

If this is the case, and either your cousin or brother have picked up on that, then you can hardly blame either of them for complaining about you behind your back.

freshpopcorn

Why do you think he is gay? No matter who you met/where you travelled question some bodies sexuality would be considered rude. What other issues are going on?

LegacyUser

I would never question them publicly, or voice this to anyone else who knows them, as absolutely this is their personal information.

Also I do not care if someone is gay, what I care about is people taking out their unhappiness on me. I am giving this here anonymously as it is something I am having a hard time with and want to get advice and see if anyone out there has gone through something similar.
I can't be the first and only person with this issue!

These two guys have made my family life hell. For example for my entire life up to a couple of years ago I had a really solid and good relationship with my cousins- both female as well.
Over the space of 2 years I observed their behaviour changing towards me, and this was so marked when they were in front of my cousin, that I guessed it was down to him poisoning my name. I believe he did this because he knows I had the potential to see through him.
He is in his 40s, very handsome guy, women throwing themselves at him, and he has been single his entire life. I am going on other factors of course.

I would have ignored these issues if I could have, but I can't accept what they have done to me.

Czarcasm

reconcilethis wrote: »

I would have ignored these issues if I could have, but I can't accept what they have done to me.

That seems to be your real issue here OP, that you cannot accept the way you were treated, and to be honest, from reading what you've written here, I can't say I'd be surprised that they couldn't sense the way you were sizing them up and analyzing them. Your issues are totally your own, yet you seem to be analyzing everyone else's behaviour but your own.

I don't think anyone had to try too hard to 'turn' anyone against you. From reading your posts you seem to be doing a bang up job of sabotaging your own relationships yourself. Maybe it's the type of person you are, I don't know, but only you can know that much after you stop examining and analysing everyone else, and learn to examine your own behaviour and attitudes towards other people.

In short OP - It doesn't sound like your relatives are the issue, it sounds like the issue is within yourself, but without context, the best advice I could give you is that in the immediate term you should adjust your perspective inward rather than outward, if you want to reconcile an issue with yourself.

Merkin

Can I ask you a question? Have you just started seeing a counsellor or something? You say you have to deal with your issues immediately and head on and that's why I ask. I lived with someone who wasn't the deepest of thinkers and for entirely self serving reasons decided they needed counselling and it turned them into an overly analytical and misguided nut job whereby they looked into every situation and jumped to really really bizarre conclusions. I'm not calling you a nut job but your analysis seems a little off.

I'm sorry but you come across as judgemental, overly critical and negative in your posts. You concede that you don't and have never gotten along with your brother and now you have made the leap that he is actually gay and is taking his issues out on you. That's a bit of a stretch. It sounds like there's always been a deep seated personality clash. It happens. And what if he is in fact gay? What business is it of yours really?

You're also talking about 'seeing through' your cousin and speculating about what kind of issues he has, I'm sure he picked up on your very negative opinion of him and treats you accordingly. Why would you expect him to be pally with you when you clearly can't stand him?

Sorry honey but the issues you mention are your issues, nobody else's.

freshpopcorn

reconcilethis wrote: »

I would have ignored these issues if I could have, but I can't accept what they have done to me.

What have these men done to you?
By the sounds of it you judge them and even if yo don't tell them what you think of them. There is a good chance that they've picked up your attitude towards them. So they would probably tell people about your attitude towards them and I wouldn't blame them.

LegacyUser

I don't know what you're going through exactly, but I have similar issues with some members of my family. I do understand why other posters here are dismissive of you. It is hard to know what advice to offer when we don't know what in fact is bothering you.

I have a family member who is like your brother - he finally admitted to me that he is gay (he is not young), but he has spent his whole life being unremittingly homophobic, so I presume he has been living with a huge amount of self-loathing. However, having admitted this to me, he now will not speak to anyone in our family, including his parents. His parents are distressed, but they have had decades of stress dealing with him.

I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this, but sometimes you just have to let go and presume that your family member (and possibly you also) may be better off with no contact.

Sometimes you are better off taking a step back and not trying to heal everything. Just try to live your own life and don't get distracted by the drama and gossip in the rest of your family. It is sad, but sometimes it can be for the best for everyone concerned.