Disgusted by my own racist comment

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was on the way to work today with girlfriend - who is ethnic asian.

In the car, I made a racist comment about a car with some black people in it for no reason (not the N word btw).

I would never make a comment like this for any reason, I tend to be terribly pass-remarkable but this was a disgusting sh*tty thing for me to say and is NOT who i am.

Im disgusted with myself and completely ashamed of my behaviour. My GF is completely upset with me too.

Ive tried apologising to her for my comments, but its made little impact as she is so stunned that I would even say something like this as I am usually the one to say something if someone else makes a racist comment.

how to i go about letting her know how bad I feel about this?

Im truly disgusted as im ashamed for myself and should never ever have said anything like this - even remotely. Ive no idea where it came from and there is literally no excuse. I cant stop beating myself up about it and just feel like sh*t. I truly didnt mean to say it... what the hell do i do now?

Tokyo

OP,

while it's not a pleasant thing to do, it's not the end of the world either. We've all uttered something at some point that we've instantly wished that we could take back, and the fact that you feel so bad about it says a lot.

To be honest you've done pretty much all you can do for now - you've recognised your mistake and have apologised for it. Forcing apology after apology on your girlfriend is just going to make things more uncomfortable, and it doesn't allow your girlfriend to process things for herself.

If I were in your shoes I'd give your girlfriend time. Its obviously a sensitive issue for her and she may well have been on the receiving end of said comments in the past herself, so it might take her some time to deal with hearing such a comment form her boyfriend. If she knows you as well as you describe, then she'll realise for herself that you are sincere in your apology, and will realise that's not the kind of person you usually are.

ABajaninCork

Being black, I totally understand your GF's reaction. I would be raging if my (white Irish) husband made such a comment and I would be very slow to forgive it, if I'm honest. Why did you think it was necessary to make such a comment? Did you forget your GF was there??

I'd just leave it for now. Let the water settle. Then talk to her calmly. Tell her the remark was out of character, and how badly you felt for making it. She knows you well enough that you wouldn't ordinarily make those kind of comments, and things will (hopefully) settle down soon.

Alf. A. Male

Given the influences we're surrounded by every day and the fact that most of us have little cause to examine our attitudes on many issues in any great depth, it's unsurprising that we sometimes harbour prejudices or unreconstructed thoughts which are actually at conflict with the majority of how we feel about people. You may not be sexist, but still ocassionally roll your eyes and think "women", you don't have to think all teenagers are scum to look suspiciously at a group of lads who aren't actually doing anything to merit suspicion. How you act towards them if far more important and sometimes that self-surprising escape of prejudice is a good chance to have a look at the thought and learn from it.
If your relationship with your GF is good, use this as a chance to tell her you had never though like that before, or even thought about it before, and now that you know you shocked yourself by thinking that way even momentarily, you're thinking about why you had that thought and have learned from it.

ManOfMystery

When people say something wrong/obscene/rude/etc, I usually try and mentally place them in one of two groups.

They're an absolute d*ck and talk like this all the time - in which case they usually end up saying more of the same and aren't repentant at all
or ......................
They blurted something out by mistake, they're mortified, and very sorry. It was an honest case of mouth engaging before brain and a one-off.

One of these groups is easier to forgive then than the other, and I'm sure you can guess which. Just keep apologising to your girlfriend, once the shock wears off she'll probably realise it was out of character for you and not a true reflection of your feelings or behaviour towards other ethnic groups.

Out of interest, were you angry or did the people in the car do something to wind you up? If not and you literally blurted something like this out for no reason, you should really think about why that particular word or reference was the one which your subconscious threw up first. I've sometime said things where I can't immediately explain why I said them or why they were at the forefront of my mind, but on reflection it's been because I've recently heard something in a film, a song, an interview, or similar.

Starokan

just give her a bit of space, i'm guessing she knows you well enough to realise that this was not your true character and will eventually forgive you.

Forgive yourself as well, while passing any comment like that is non sensical its pretty obvious that you are in no way racist. Stop beating yourself up, it will serve no purpose.

Vito Corleone

Not a big deal IMO, she's overreacting.

ABajaninCork

Vito Corleone wrote: »

Not a big deal IMO, she's overreacting.

Why? Did you read the OP??

Vito Corleone

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Why? Did you read the OP??

Yes, I did.

ABajaninCork

Vito Corleone wrote: »

Yes, I did.

Then I do not understand your comment...

doobyscool

I agree with most commenters. We all grow up with this internalized racism (sexism/homophobia etc). We all F*ck up from time to time. Just give your girlfriend her space, apologise again and make it clear you didn't mean it. And reflect on why you said it, why it was harmful etc. But that's all you can do really.

Vito Corleone

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Then I do not understand your comment...

The guy said he was sorry, he is clearly sorry. There's not much more he can do. As far as bad things he could have done this is pretty low down on the list, tbh.

Her reaction is a little OTT and immature in my opinion as well.

Emme

Oh dear. I'm sure you meant no harm and it was a spur of the moment thing but I can understand your girlfriend feeling very hurt. She may now feel that you're dating her on account of certain (unfounded) stereotypes associated with Asian women.

All you can do is give it time and treat extra well in the meantime.

Let this be a lesson to you not to make racist comments about any ethnic group in the future.

ABajaninCork

Vito Corleone wrote: »

The guy said he was sorry, he is clearly sorry. There's not much more he can do. As far as bad things he could have done this is pretty low down on the list, tbh.

Her reaction is a little OTT and immature in my opinion as well.

You will never understand our position in a million years. So how can you say the GF's (understandable) reaction is immature and OTT? You are not in a position to judge. I can't believe you wrote that with a straight face....

Vito Corleone

ABajaninCork wrote: »

You will never understand our position in a million years.

How do you know?

Listen, I'm not getting into a long winded discussion about this.

Taltos

Back on topic please guys - advice to the OP, otherwise please take it offline.

irishgrover

How about you sit down and write a letter to yourself. Explain what you did, why you think you may have done it, what impact it has had on you directly and those around you (especially your GF), and what if anything you need to modify in your behaviour. Then when you're happy with the content, ask her to read it

Tramps Like Us

You said something stupid without thinking, but its not like you are a racist as you said you often call people out on it. Just say you are sorry and don't do it again, personally I wouldn't entertain someone making a huge deal out of something which is totally out of character for you, was a mistake and you are genuinely sorry and angry at yourself for doing

Everyone says stupid things without thinking from time to time

LegacyUser

hi all,

thanks for the responses and the opinions. Ive spoken about it with her and think we will be ok.... but ... Ive thought a lot about this today... you know, its not that shes annoyed at me that made me post. I am utterly disgusted at me... that Ive even said it.

It doesnt matter what Ive said - or that mates have told me it was nothing that it was at the lower end of the scale... what f**king scale? its like saying "Thats Gay" at something stupid ... does that imply that all gay people are stupid? yet we say sh*t like this every day. Lifes tough enough without hypocritical f*cktards like me making offensive comments in such an offhand way.

its made me reconsider a LOT of stuff. I have friends and family from other ethnic groups, that would be so angry and shocked at me, Ive suffered religious abuse myself before - simply because I was told that I LOOK like I belong to a certain religion.

Yet here we are... Today I found myself being as bad as anyone Ive ever been disgusted at.

Anyway thank you for your thoughts and comments. All I can hope for is that Im forgiven eventually. Its so easy to be a racist even if nobody except you ever knows that you are.

ABajaninCork

But you're not OP. All you did was to make a thoughtless, insensitive remark. You guys will get over it and move on.

Good luck!

Thomas D

It's only a few words and you don't mean it so both of you are over reacting,

Pawwed Rig

OP I think you are being too hard on yourself. You said something in the heat of the moment which on further analysis does not fit in with your moral values. We have all said things which in hindsight we wish we had not. Life is a learning process where we (hopefully) improve ourselves the older and wiser we get. I had opinions (strongly held) in my late teens and early 20's that I cringe about now whereas this was not even an opinion of yours. It was probably some socialised throwback that you never thought of before but going out with an Asian focuses these issues more than being with someone of the same ethnicity.

shampooman

Hello OP,

My girlfriend is Mexican and I'm Irish - obviously as cultures go along with ethnicity we are poles apart. I think sometimes these differences should be poked fun at. She should have slapped you and slagged you for your red hair/green face/ orange nose or whatever you got going on. You said something out of character without thinking which contained no malice at all. I think common sense must prevail in these circumstances - you are not a bad guy, what you said didn't hurt anyone. Both you and your girlfriend in my opinion are over reacting to a bit of mindless misjudgement.

I absolutely will not and do not tolerate down right racism but at the same time I don't believe we cant make fun of our differences. I have travelled a bit and have often been slagged for being Irish... how did I respond? I burnt down their houses. Stop beating yourself up and my advice is for you guys to stop taking things so seriously. The people in the car didn't hear your comment, they were not hurt my it and if they did hear you they hopefully probably would have replied with a " go away and have another Guinness for yourself Paddy!"

I hope my post is clear, maybe it's not I don't know. In signing off... Shampoo man not a racist!

GalwayGuy2

In the car, I made a racist comment about a car with some black people in it for no reason (not the N word btw).

What did you say? I don't think anybody can comment on it without knowing what you said.

Also, has your girlfriend said something to you about this? You seem to be very, very hard on yourself in the last post.