Should I go through with it?

jjnicole

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We are both in our young 20s. He is from Ireland and I am from the US. Our plan was for me to move to Ireland for 1 year and then for us both to go to the US after that.
Now that it is time for me to move to Ireland, he told me that he doesn't think it will be good for us to live together in the same apartment/house. He thinks it will strain our relationship because well be together too much. I can't help but take it personally and now I'm unsure if he is as committed as I am. I told him I'd rather live together but he is set on living separately. What should I do? Should I still go?

Taltos

Seems like he is changing the rules at the last minute here OP.
Are you sure he is committed to coming back to the US with you in a years time?

He is right in one sense, living together can add to the stress and strain of a relationship. How much time have you spent together up to now though? If you have a good foundation and know each others quirks then I am not sure what his issue is unless there is more, eg if he is from a traditional family he may be dealing with pressure from them not to move out or to move in with anyone, or he could just be getting cold feet.

It really sounds like you two need to talk more though, the question above is really only something he can answer for you, we just don't have enough information.

blatantrereg

Should I still go?

Would you like to go if he wasn't in the picture?

Have you a place in college arranged here, or a job lined up? - The cost of living in Ireland might be a bit higher than you expect; job prospects might be a bit lower.

Do you have any family or good friends where you're planning to move to?

Will you be dependent on him if you move over here?

MagicMarker

I get a sneaking suspicion that you met online? OP, how much time have you actually been in each other's presence, if at all?

Being honest, it doesn't sound like you're BF is into things as much as you are. If you're in a long distance relationship then you don't worry about spending too much time together.

jjnicole

To give more information:

We met while he was studying abroad at my college for our third year. We spent some time long distance and I actually ended up coming to study in Ireland for the past few months. We did not live together but were able to live about 15 minutes walking distance apart. We did spend a lot of time together - almost every night. Which he says probably wasnt a good idea because we spent so much time together we werent as productive in school. But I think the problem was that when we did hang out it was in his tiny 1room studio apartment and he never came to stay at my place and I had little work to do since i was abroad.

For next year I have a job lined up and will also be taking online classes for school so I will be quite busy. However, I won't have friends or family.

Taltos

Maybe he's just afraid of the intensity then and wants to step back a bit.
It could be a good chance to widen your social circle and not spend every night together - at least that is one way, hopefully the positive one of looking at it.

Merkin

jjnicole wrote: »

I can't help but take it personally and now I'm unsure if he is as committed as I am. I told him I'd rather live together but he is set on living separately. What should I do? Should I still go?

What you should do it talk to him. If you're unsure as to how committed he is then you need to have a very honest conversation with him rather than basing any decisions on sheer conjecture. I appreciate that it may take a bit of courage but far better to be totally honest with each other now and maybe find out that he's not all that pushed after all than have you move over and find yourself phased out over time. Ask him honestly what's going on and then base your decision on that.

jjnicole

I have asked him honestly. He says its not personal, that its what he thinks is best for our relationship. But I just don't see how its not personal - I was willing to take a step in our relationship that he wasnt. And now I'm not sure if I should still plan to move.

Butterface

I agree with the other posters, you really do need to talk to him. I can see why he might be worried that moving in together could put a strain on your relationship, especially when you will be so dependent on him for company with no other friends or family here. It can be a lot of pressure when somebody decides to shape their entire life around somebody else. Talk to him and ask him honestly if he thinks it's a good idea for you to move over.

Tokyo

I think he's being realistic, if I'm to be honest. Your actual time spent together so far hasn't been that long, and going from being boyfriend and girlfriend to living together 24/7 is a BIG step. It sounds to me that your boyfriend wants to see how you fare out as a couple together in the same place before taking that next step, and it seems reasonable enough to me.

Whether you should still come over or not is ultimately your decision, but you really need to talk to your partner about that, and where you both feel your relationship is.

jjnicole

Butterface wrote: »

Talk to him and ask him honestly if he thinks it's a good idea for you to move over.

But I have talked to him. He thinks its a good idea for me to move over just not with him. He says it is because we're too young and it will hurt our relationship.

But I am the one taking the huge risk by moving. I was under the impression that our relationship was serious enough that we would live together. Now I don't know what to think. Even if he is being honest and wants to stay together next year now it makes me think he only wants to be with me out of convenience.

jjnicole

mike_ie wrote: »

It sounds to me that your boyfriend wants to see how you fare out as a couple together in the same place before taking that next step, and it seems reasonable enough to me.

But we have been a couple in the same place before - for a year in America and for this past semester. We only spent a few months long distance.

Isn't that enough time to know how we would be as a couple without living together? Isn't it unfair that I'm the only one making a commitment to the relationship?

Merkin

jjnicole wrote: »

But I have talked to him. He thinks its a good idea for me to move over just not with him. He says it is because we're too young and it will hurt our relationship.

Maybe he has a point. If you're both early 20s perhaps he wants you to continue to be boyfriend and girlfriend and still live relatively independently as you're so young/don't know one another that well? It's not a bad idea. If you move into a house share for example you can really expand your social circle and forge your own way as well as still being his girlfriend. At least that way, if things weren't to work out, you'd have your own network of friends and interests etc so that if things were not to work out you could still stay on in Ireland without feeling you had to go because you were only ever there for him?

bluemagpie

I would agree with the last poster, he may be trying to ensure that you establish yourself enough to be able to live in Ireland without complete dependence on him. And also that if it doesn't work out that you are not stuck living on top of each other. However, it is up to you to decide if you want to move over given that now you know you will not be living together. It is a big step to take as life will not change much for him but it will for you, so really the decision is on your side.

Also given that he said that you hung out together too much and your productivity in college was affected you should also discuss what that means in terms of how much you will see each other if you move over as at the moment it doesn't sound like either of you really know what the other wants/is expecting from the move.

December2012

In my opinion early 20s is far too young to live together. What's great about living separately is that you get to keep the romance without the housekeeping!

I wouldn't see it as a lack of commitment. If you were already living in the same country it would still be too young to live together in my opinion.

Move, and move in with a house share. Get to know the city on your own terms. Continue your romance with each other and grow your relationship organically without the pressure of living together.

iusedtoknow

I moved in with my GF straight from being long distance. I'll preface the below by saying that we had seen a lot of each other, almost every 6 weeks and skype'd a lot. I also married her so it did all pan out well for us.

I'll be honest, if i had my time over - i'd probably liked to have moved to the same city for a few months, then moved in. Why?
I had to live life a bit, and find my feet- and by that, get a wider circle of friends together, outside of our relationship and get to know the city and way of life before getting in. But we did move in, and it was great - we had fun, we had arguments but it was over normal things, and nothing major.
The major downside was that I never once had to deal with the electric company, the phone company, the gas company - it was all in her name. Not that I didn't appreciate it, but I was basically reliant on her for a lot of things as she was "used to it all". I know that sounds petty, but i see it is part of moving countries - learning how all these things operate.
Likewise, all of my friends there, at least initially saw me as part and parcel with her - which I was to a degree, however it is also very healthy to have friends outside of that dynamic.

Sleepless and Manic

jjnicole wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We are both in our young 20s. He is from Ireland and I am from the US. Our plan was for me to move to Ireland for 1 year and then for us both to go to the US after that.

SO sometime next March/April he's planning on moving to the USA. Permanently? What kind of visa will he be getting? Your year in Ireland will be over quickly I just dont hear anything about him planning his move to the US. Hows that going to work?