Passive Aggressive Housemates

LegacyUser

We are two couples living in our apartment. Originally it was myself and my friend that decided to move in together. At the time we discussed our partners moving in at a later stage. This eventually happened and it was fine for a while.

The other couple are quite messy, they will leave dishes around for a few days, throw food in the sink, spill milk down the fridge but leave it there to become crusty, that type of thing. They do a massive clean up every few months, but this is nothing compared to the amount of dirt and mess left around on a day to day basis. Just today I found an old coke can with mould growing on it. They seem oblivious to their mess, and sometimes seem to assume that it is ours. We wouldn't even mind tidying up so much if they were grateful for it or acknowledged it. They seem oblivious and mutual "friends" have told us that they have been bitching about us being super messy.

We tried to politely ask them not to throw food in the sink. Admittedly leaving a note on the fridge requesting this probably came across as passive aggressive, though it wasn't the intention. We were on different schedules and just left the note. The response was to erase our note and write an angry tirade. Which was then later removed by them and nothing ever said about it.

My partner keeps getting really angry at me for not speaking to them because she says since it was originally my friend I should be the one to talk, but I do also feel that she hasn't helped with promoting the passive aggressive atmosphere as she has responded to their passive aggressiveness with a passive aggressive response. She is also very much an introvert and hates getting caught up with them for any chats or anything. She is usually polite but doesn't like to be stuck for too long. They tend to stay in their room anyways.


Around the time my friends partner moved in strange things started to happen such as them hiding toilet roll in their room so they wouldn't have to share but would use up ours if we left it in the bathroom. They also tend to throw our stuff out without asking. We had some sponges in the bathroom that they decided to just dump, some stuff that belong to us in the kitchen was in the bin when we got home twice, and twice we have taken it out of the bin and put it back. Today we found it in the bin again and replaced with some of their stuff.

In between all this stuff sometimes they are fine and normal and do really nice stuff like buy us vouchers for our favourite place, or make us some nice food. It seems to be one extreme or the other with them.

I guess possibly the best solution is to talk to them or move. At the moment financially moving isn't really our best option, and I suppose I feel nervous of talking to them. I hate confrontation. This is really rambly but I am loosing the plot and feel really uncomfortable in my own home.

Neyite

Enough with the notes and talking to mutual friends about it. Enough with passive-aggressive responses to their passive-aggressive moves.

Talk to them. Tell them you would like to have a household chat, and what time suits you all to meet up and discuss it. Then all of you meet, introvert or not.

You should be working towards resolution instead of blamestorming. Offer solutions - a roster, a household kitty, a method of communication of all house issues - like a note on the fridge, or a text, that you all know is simply that. A note to let your flatmates be aware of something.

Throwing out your stuff is not on. I would not dream of throwing out something belonging to my partner and we have been together 10 years. Its beyond cheeky, and you should let them know that if something that does not belong to them get dumped, you will be asking them to pay for a new replacement, chosen by you. Ask who threw it out, and ask them why they felt that the had the right to do that.

The meeting might work, but judging by the angry tirade left for you and throwing out your possessions, you may not get very far. But at least you will have tried. If you don't get very far, make plans to move out.

ABajaninCork

I think things have gone past the point of no return. I'd be making plans to move out.

Toots

I'd try to arrange a house meeting where ALL of you discuss things and agree on a plan going forward. However, in the event that a meeting goes completely tits up, I'd start organising your finances as well as possible in preparation for a move.

Time Now Please

Posters are right, leaving notes is silly, I would stick my neck out and say that the note thing was instigated by the two women??, Look, get the other guy to one side when you both are on your own and explain to him what's happening, nobody can live with an atmosphere like the one you have mentioned. If the chat with the other guy doesn't work out then it's time for some party to move out.

zxcvbnm1

Why would you not just move ??
It seems a complete no brainer to me.

Surely it can't be that much more expensive to get a one bed to share or something ?

ShowMeTheCash

I would just move.

I lived with with other people all through UNI then for about the first 6 years after uni. there are always arguments, some people are messy some clean, some considerate some less.
It's the compromise you make to live cheaper...

I have seen this a few times, the girlfriend moves in or the boyfriend... They want to be able to watch a movie together, make a meal together do couple type things... It's hard to do when sharing, we things grate on you... By the sounds of it the friendship looks to be getting lost in petty things..

Move, get a place of your own, everyone is happy

Rekop dog

To be honest it sounds like the problem is more with you two than with them. You say it's either one extreme or the other with them but their untidiness/behaviour doesn't sound extreme at all, a gross exaggeration. You were the ones that initiated the pettiness leaving the note, this is cowardly behaviour and opens up channels of resentment between you. Also if you're really monitoring toilet roll usage and using it as another example of their *extreme* behaviour you really need to take a step back and look at yourselves.

House sharing is never all roses in the garden, you'll usually always find things that irritates you. What you don't do is actively contribute to resentment by breaking down lines of communication with passive agg note leaving and avoiding discussion of little things and let them fester into bigger thing in your head. You're at risk of losing what sound like nice friends here by the examples you gave of their voucher giving ect, largely due to your own warped view on this situation at hand.

Merkin

Time Now Please wrote: »

Posters are right, leaving notes is silly, I would stick my neck out and say that the note thing was instigated by the two women??

Why?

OP, I think people in a houseshare who move in their partner expect to be able to have free reign of the house. Both couples in this instance obviously expect this to happen and it's causing friction. On that basis I would:

a. Move out and find your own place

or

b. Call a house meeting and agree ground rules

c. Agree to employ the services of a cleaner who will come in once a week and give the place a scrub (this does NOT include cleaning mouldy cups btw, the property should have a basic level of cleanliness before asking anyone to come in and maintain it

d. Stop leaving petty notes for one another and agree to tackle any issues head on in future

gugleguy

point d) in Merkin sums it up.

Idle Passerby

If you and your friend could afford the rent with just the two of you, I have no idea why you and your partner wouldn't just find a place of your own now. Two adult couples living under one roof seems an ideal breeding ground for petty disagreements.

gugleguy

It is an ideal breeding ground for petty disagreements. I get the impression each couple is quite diverse in the way they spend their leisure time. The likes of this diversity would be celebrated in a North American city. However this is Ireland. Small mindedness is the resultant bi product.

thegreatgonzo

gugleguy wrote: »

The likes of this diversity would be celebrated in a North American city. .

Yes and that's why Judge Judy spends most of her time dealing with angry ex housemates suing each other over broken TVs.

OP. I'd move out. Life's too short.

LegacyUser

OP are you sure you aren't hyper-sensitive to the mess they make and don't realise how messy you are yourselves? I had a flatmate once who was filthy. She left her dirty dishes in the sink every day so I had to wash up before I could cook, she'd cut bits of her fringe off and leave them lying on our bathroom floor, she left a huge pile of dirty washing in the hall that I tripped over for 3 weeks before she finally 'got around' to washing it. She went away for the weekend once and when she came back, was really frosty with me. I eventually asked what I'd done and she said she was really angry because she'd found a few grains of rice under the table while sweeping the floor, and that I was really messy and careless (???!!) I couldn't believe anyone could be so deluded, but she was.

LegacyUser

You won't get anywhere if you bring this up. They will make you feel petty. It's amazing what people see what they want to see. Lived with enough people to know you are better off just leaving.

I'm living with my OH and life is so much easier not having others to clean up after and not getting blamed for being messy, which I knew I wasn't but not nice beginning to doubt yourself and others then getting away with it. Just leave, it will be worth extra money you may have to pay for rent.