Disgusted With Myself

LegacyUser

Last night I was at a party and only knew about 2-3 people there. At the end of the night I was quite drunk however I was still aware of everything going on. This guy who I had been chatting on/off to during the evening (and had zero interest in) sat down beside me and we were talking, what I assumed was harmless talk about life/work etc. He tried to hold my hand + for a minute I probably let him, I don't know why but I came to my senses and pulled my hand away and made to leave.

He lives in the same direction as me, and suggested we take a taxi together which I replied no I'd rather go alone. As I was leaving he followed me out, again grabbing my hand. He quite aggressively went to kiss me and I stopped him and said I'm not interested. He said he could respect that but still kept trying to hold my hand and anytime I pulled my hand away he'd grab it again. I was genuinely quite scared.

In the end he insisted on getting a taxi with me, reluctantly and stupidly I agreed. Nothing happened in the taxi, except him repeatedly trying to hold my hand.

The thing is even though nothing happened I feel so dirty. I just can't shake it. I haven't told anyone about it, I just feel like a complete fool. To add salt to my wounds this guy is now texting me to which I haven't replied at all. Should I tell someone?

Czarcasm

OP I'm genuinely confused as to why you might feel ashamed or dirty or foolish here when you gave this guy clear indication that you weren't interested.

How old are you OP btw? Have you been talking to any of your friends since the party? You can download an app for your phone that will stop this guys nuisance calls and texts.

micar

He's the one who should be disgusted. You made it clear that you had no interest.

Text him back and tell him that you have no interest and politely ask that he does not text you again. If he does then threaten him with the Guards as it's harassment.

Matteroffact

You were quite drunk OP so maybe this guy thought it was best that he accompany you in the taxi and I would commend him for that or maybe he just wanted company for his own taxi journey home. Just text him and thank him for looking after you but say that you are not looking for a relationship right now and then do not reply to any more of his texts. There is no reason for you to feel dirty, you just feel uncomfortable because you cannot reciprocate this guy's feelings but the minute you put it in writing that you are not interested you should feel better.

Meauldsegosha

Matteroffact wrote: »

You were quite drunk OP so maybe this guy thought it was best that he accompany you in the taxi and I would commend him for that or maybe he just wanted company for his own taxi journey home. Just text him and thank him for looking after you but say that you are not looking for a relationship right now and then do not reply to any more of his texts. There is no reason for you to feel dirty, you just feel uncomfortable because you cannot reciprocate this guy's feelings but the minute you put it in writing that you are not interested you should feel better.

Did you miss the part about him continually grabbing her hand and also trying to kiss her?

OP you have nothing to feel disgusted about. He overstepped the mark. Text him and that his behaviour last night made you feel very uncomfortable and not to text you anymore.

czechlin

Dear OP, I'm actually boiling reading your post. You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed or dirty as you say. You got drunk but you indicated very clearly that you have no interest in the guy and while he said he could respect you not being interested he actually did the complete opposite, so shame on him.

I don't think mentioning this to a friend would do any harm as you obviously need to get it out of your system. We all have done silly things while drunk and I suppose you might feel a bit disappointed with yourself for letting yourself to be so vulnerable but don't beat yourself over it.

As for the guy texting you I would try to reply to him first, keep it very short and clear that you were serious when you said you have no interest and you'd appreciate if he stopped. If he still keeps texting then just block him.

czechlin

Matteroffact wrote: »

You were quite drunk OP so maybe this guy thought it was best that he accompany you in the taxi and I would commend him for that or maybe he just wanted company for his own taxi journey home. Just text him and thank him for looking after you but say that you are not looking for a relationship right now and then do not reply to any more of his texts. There is no reason for you to feel dirty, you just feel uncomfortable because you cannot reciprocate this guy's feelings but the minute you put it in writing that you are not interested you should feel better.

With all respect there is absolutely no need for the OP to text this guy and thank him. Thank him for what?? Making her feel vulnerable and scared!? If anything he should apologise rather than hassling the OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I told my friend who's friends with the guy who hosted the party and feel a lot better about the situation. I have also blocked the said individual on FB after he sent me a friend request and on whatsapp after receiving the message, I sent him a clear message saying I wasn't interested...I definitely wouldn't thank him, he wasn't in any way looking after me, more trying to get his way! Also as somebody asked I'm 26 so not exactly under-age in fairness

YumCha

OP you've nothing to be ashamed of - you clearly stated your boundaries and he crossed them repeatedly - he is the one who should be ashamed, and if I were you I'd have no hesitation in bringing his behaviour to light.

It's a common behaviour of creepers to target people who are drunk, and to try and wear you down so you eventually cave in. Your reaction is WAY more common (especially if you know the person) than the reaction we'd all like to think we'd have which is telling them very loudly, and with much swearing where to go. There's actual science behind this - to paraphrase it briefly (and probably badly) your survival instincts are at war with the same instincts that tell you someone in your circle of friends is someone you can trust.

The feelings you feel right now are the part of you trying to take back control - if you tell yourself it's your fault ("I should have been more forceful..." etc.) then you can stop it from happening again... but the blame lies solely with him - what he did to you is not 'nothing'.

Please please think about talking to someone - if you were my friend I would want to know and I'd be cutting this guy out of my social circle pronto.

Stavro Mueller

This guy sounds like the sort of person who trawls nightclubs towards the end of the night, looking for someone who's obviously the worse for wear and might be easier to take home with them. As I read down through this and got to the bit where he came with you in the taxi, I was starting to wonder were you disgusted with yourself for sleeping with him when you got home. As it turns out that didn't happen so well done you! Maybe he finally got the message in the taxi or perhaps he got cold feet and decided against trying anything on just in case the taxi driver came to your rescue. Don't beat yourself up about this - the guy's a creep and he should know better.

Dellnum

You were quite drunk leaving the party OP and you only knew 2 - 3 people there. This guy tried to befriend you and read the signals wrong but he did leave you to the taxi and accompanied you home in it and I can see nothing wrong with that. He tried to hold your hand and kiss you, big deal, but you showed him you had no interest. He has now texted you and you are totally not interested, so all you have to do is not respond. There is nothing more to it. You are acting like this guy is a total creep whereas all he did was try his luck and got nowhere. Give him a break.

mrsbyrne

OP I don't think your as much disgusted with yourself as furious with yourself. You went to a party where you only knew a couple of people and you got too drunk to be able to make good desicions for yourself.
You know bloody well if you had been less drunk you wouldn't have ended up fending off that creepy pest in the back of the taxi. He'd have got the cold shoulder and the message long before you left the party if you'd been in your right mind.
Just forget about it and don't forget a couple of drinks are great for relaxation but once your judgement is being impaired I your in trouble especially if there's no one around to look out for you.

P. Breathnach

OP, I think your reaction to last night's events are - sadly, in my opinion - fairly normal. I mean normal in the sense of being commonplace, not in the sense of being appropriate.

You made a mistake in getting drunk in circumstances where you could not count on the group around you looking out for your welfare. That left you in a vulnerable position.

It might be that this man sought to take advantage of your vulnerability; or it might be that he didn't realise that your control of your situation was fragile. As things worked out, nothing really bad happened, but I imagine that your mind is going over all the possibilities, and you are counting yourself lucky.

And now the thing that infuriates me: you take the blame onto yourself. No, a thousand times no. Had he managed to push you harder, perhaps to the point of having sex with you, whose fault would it have been? It would have been his fault. I hate victim-blaming, and I hate victims blaming themselves.

It makes practical sense to avoid risky situations. But there is no moral imperative about it. If you do something risky and another person takes advantage of you, it is that other person who is wrong, not you.

End of lecture.

dipdip

mrsbyrne wrote: »

You know bloody well if you had been less drunk you wouldn't have ended up fending off that creepy pest in the back of the taxi. He'd have got the cold shoulder and the message long before you left the party if you'd been in your right mind.

No matter how drunk the OP was or was not would not and could not have affected the behaviour of the man pestering her.

There is a sniff of blaming the OP for this man's aggressive carry-on and it ought to be eradicated.

OP you are not to blame for his behaviour. I am sorry you were scared. Your instincts were probably good and it is good that you got away from him. Now you need to be kind to yourself and move on.

On a final note it's always a good idea to ensure you have a plan made in advance for getting home at the end of a night out, although of course we have all been in situations where these plans can go awry.

Butterface

Dellnum wrote: »

You were quite drunk leaving the party OP and you only knew 2 - 3 people there. This guy tried to befriend you and read the signals wrong but he did leave you to the taxi and accompanied you home in it and I can see nothing wrong with that. He tried to hold your hand and kiss you, big deal, but you showed him you had no interest. He has now texted you and you are totally not interested, so all you have to do is not respond. There is nothing more to it. You are acting like this guy is a total creep whereas all he did was try his luck and got nowhere. Give him a break.

Nope, OP stated he tried to hold her hand repeatedly, and after she had told him she wasn't interested. There's trying your luck, and then there's overstepping the mark.

Dellnum

You got very drunk OP, you were chatting to this guy. You let him hold your hand for a while. You made to leave then and he probably thought he needed to accompany you home in a taxi to make sure you were safe. He tried to kiss you and accepted the fact that you didn't want to respond. He probably just held your hand to guide you along as you were very drunk. I am sure he had a few drinks himself too.

OP you gave him your mobile number and now you are disgusted that he is texting you. I don't get it. I feel that he is just as much a victim as you are. There was no harm done at the end of the day so just forget about it.

mrsbyrne

dipdip wrote: »

No matter how drunk the OP was or was not would not and could not have affected the behaviour of the man pestering her.

There is a sniff of blaming the OP for this man's aggressive carry-on and it ought to be eradicated.

OP you are not to blame for his behaviour. I am sorry you were scared. Your instincts were probably good and it is good that you got away from him. Now you need to be kind to yourself and move on.

On a final note it's always a good idea to ensure you have a plan made in advance for getting home at the end of a night out, although of course we have all been in situations where these plans can go awry.

I'm not blaming the OP for the mans behaviour. Everybody is responsible for their own behaviour. But because of this we have to make desicions in certain social sittuations to protect ourselves. Don't get ossified at a party and expect total strangers to have your best interests in heart.
Yes, they should, but in the real world, this guy definitely saw a chance to take advantage of someone (theOP) whose judgment was severely impaired by being drunk. A slime ball.
The OP has to take responsibility for the fact that she drank too much and then this affected her desicion making. There is no doubt that a sober 26 year old woman would have handled the situation better

Obliq

mrsbyrne wrote: »

I'm not blaming the OP for the mans behaviour. Everybody is responsible for their own behaviour. But because of this we have to make desicions in certain social sittuations to protect ourselves. Don't get ossified at a party and expect total strangers to have your best interests in heart.
Yes, they should, but in the real world, this guy definitely saw a chance to take advantage of someone (theOP) whose judgment was severely impaired by being drunk. A slime ball.
The OP has to take responsibility for the fact that she drank too much and then this affected her desicion making. There is no doubt that a sober 26 year old woman would have handled the situation better

.....and how do YOU know that the fella wouldn't have overstepped the mark even if she wasn't drunk? It only took him (probably drunk or on something himself) to decide to take liberties. She'd be feeling much the same way if that was the case, but without the element of being annoyed at herself for FEELING more vulnerable because she was drunk. She took measures and made the right decisions and your argument doesn't hold water.

czechlin

Dellnum wrote: »

You got very drunk OP, you were chatting to this guy. You let him hold your hand for a while. You made to leave then and he probably thought he needed to accompany you home in a taxi to make sure you were safe. He tried to kiss you and accepted the fact that you didn't want to respond. He probably just held your hand to guide you along as you were very drunk. I am sure he had a few drinks himself too.

OP you gave him your mobile number and now you are disgusted that he is texting you. I don't get it. I feel that he is just as much a victim as you are. There was no harm done at the end of the day so just forget about it.

I think you are completely missing the point of the OP's post. How drunk or not the OP was is not for us to judge, you are making a lot of assumptions here and I don't get it why do you have the need to question the OP's actions. I guess you are trying to see it from the guy's point of view even though it's completely irrelevant to the original post; however, the guy is no victim. Yes, they both were drunk but he stepped over the line. The OP said she wasn't interested, she didn't want to be kissed by this guy, she didn't want to share a taxi with him, she pulled her hand away from him a couple of times and yet he kept on grabbing it. If those aren't a clear signs then I don't know what is. He said he respected her, but in fact he saw she was vulnerable and did the very opposite.

mrsbyrne

Obliq wrote: »

.....and how do YOU know that the fella wouldn't have overstepped the mark even if she wasn't drunk? It only took him (probably drunk or on something himself) to decide to take liberties. She'd be feeling much the same way if that was the case, but without the element of being annoyed at herself for FEELING more vulnerable because she was drunk. She took measures and made the right decisions and your argument doesn't hold water.

So your saying the OP doesnt have to take any responsibility for getting herself ossified at a party full of strangers? The guy was a slimeball and he preyed on her because she was vulnerable and not capable of fully being in charge of herself because she had drunk too much but according to you she doesnt need to take measures to ensure that that doesnt happen again, even though she feels rotten today over it?

Tokyo

Can we please keep comments on topic and directed towards the OP's issue?

Regards,
Mike

Obliq

mrsbyrne wrote: »

So your saying the OP doesnt have to take any responsibility for getting herself ossified at a party full of strangers? The guy was a slimeball and he preyed on her because she was vulnerable and not capable of fully being in charge of herself because she had drunk too much but according to you she doesnt need to take measures to ensure that that doesnt happen again, even though she feels rotten today over it?

.....aand I'm out. Too angry, can't reply. :mad:

dipdip

mrsbyrne wrote: »

So your saying the OP doesnt have to take any responsibility for getting herself ossified at a party full of strangers? The guy was a slimeball and he preyed on her because she was vulnerable and not capable of fully being in charge of herself because she had drunk too much but according to you she doesnt need to take measures to ensure that that doesnt happen again, even though she feels rotten today over it?

You are the reason that victims of assault do not come forward.

OP you did nothing wrong. Do not indulge bad feelings or listen to the above. Be very kind to yourself.

mrsbyrne

dipdip wrote: »

You are the reason that victims of assault do not come forward.

OP you did nothing wrong. Do not indulge bad feelings or listen to the above. Be very kind to yourself.
I refute this allegation totally.
I am the mother of a nearly 17 year old girl who i am trying to teach to take responsibility for herself and look after herself and keep herself as safe as possible.
she is my only concern and her safety and well being are my paramount worries.
if she found herself in the position the OP did at the weekend i would be very concerned that she would determine not to let that happen again.
I do not want my daughter to be attacked or assaulted and then say "I wish i hadnt done this or that"
this girl was not assaulted.
It is a diservice to every person who ever has been assaulted to say that she was.

Taltos

mrsbyrne, there has already been one mod warning on this thread.
If you don't have constructive advice for the OP please don't post here again, pulling the thread off topic in the manner you are doing is in breach of our charter and continued posting in this style will result in moderator action being required.

dipdip, please don't make it personal again in the manner above.

Thanks
Taltos