Rubbish social skills

LegacyUser

So my issue is that I think my social skills are rubbish. As a child, I was very, very quiet and shy, with all my school reports and teachers urging me to 'speak up'. When I did the LC, I was told that I was a very capable pupil but that I let myself down in my language oral exams by being so reserved and shy. I ended up studying Spanish in college and going to Spain for an Erasmus year, where I was considered a real oddball for being so quiet. The Spanish have less tolerance for shy and quiet people than the Irish and people told me I came across as weird and rude because I made so little effort to be part of the conversation. The reason was that I simply couldn't think of anything to say that was relevant and never felt like I really fit in, so I just listened and watched. It was when I was in Spain that I realised how rude this came across, so I started making a huge effort to talk more, and it was appreciated.

When I came back and finished college and started working, I carried on talking more, trying to be more sociable, join in the banter...I thought all was well but it's been brought to my attention recently that people find me quite annoying and think that I talk too much (!!!) I overheard a colleague in the ladies saying I love the sound of my own voice, which if you knew me 5 years ago, you would have died laughing at that comment! I just don't get it and I don't think I really 'get' social skills or life. I was just trying NOT to be shy and standoffish but now apparently I'm talking too MUCH! Does anyone else have this issue? I just feel like I get so anxious in social situations that I clam up or jabber on and there's nothing in between.

December2012

Is it just this one person making a comment? If so ignore it. She might not like the content of what you said if it was in work.

If you are really concerned then you could ask a trusted friend for their opinion BUT you are inviting possible criticism this way. There are a few people in my life that are nice but the way they talk is rude - they interrupt, they don't stop talking, they don't listen and they repeat themselves.

One asks me questions and doesn't listen to my answers.

One person (my mam) I have said it to and we talked it out.

Another person (my friend) I would tell her that she repeats herself IF she asked me.

The other person is an inlaw who is oblivious and does not take instruction. He's the worst offender for the above, but I know that if he asked me I would have to seriously consider saying anything to him because he's very sensitive.

LegacyUser

No, it's not just one person. I've asked friends and they've said I'm lovely and not to mind the criticism but they're my friends so they obviously like me anyway. Quite a few people have criticised comments I've made and said they're stupid and made me feel small, which is the very reason I never use to open my mouth, in case people did that. For example, I turned 27 recently and someone in work found out and said happy birthday. I said "thanks...feel so old now...can't believe I'm in my late twenties!" and another girl who is the same age turned around and said, "you feel old at 27? That's pathetic" in front of everyone. I just mumbled something about the last few years having passed by quickly and then shut down for the rest of the day.

I suppose I do sometimes blurt things out because of anxiety, and I do repeat myself quite a lot. I find small talk very hard, but I try to do it because I was considered rude when I didn't. I just never know what to say. The things other people say also sound trivial and boring, so I don't understand why I seem to get criticised so much for doing the same.

playedalive

Dude, you're not alone. I'm 23 and was really quiet in Secondary School. Well it was mostly because I was bullied in school and made feel that everything I said was stupid and nonsensical. It probably was, in some ways, but I was only young/naive. Teenagers can be really cruel. Roll on college, I actually did a Spanish degree too. I was highly conscious and paranoid that I had nothing good/positive to say in group settings. Luckily, I did come out of my shell a little bit and became a bit more talkative. But, I did find that I would say silly things off the cuff just because I became uncomfortable with silence (similarly as being rude to others and/or being boring to others)

At the minute, since I realise I am socially anxious (and can make the typical mistakes of saying crap in my mind without filtering, mumbling with nerves , repeating myself), I just try to pay attention to it and not force conversation just to clear silence or come across as 'funny/interesting' all the time. Maybe getting out into social situations and just going with the flow is what you need? I wouldn't mind what that girl at work said, people are not going to always like what we say, and she should know it was meant in jest.:)

December2012

talktoomuch wrote: »

Quite a few people have criticised comments I've made and said they're stupid and made me feel small, which is the very reason I never use to open my mouth, in case people did that.


For example, I turned 27 recently and someone in work found out and said happy birthday. I said "thanks...feel so old now...can't believe I'm in my late twenties!" and another girl who is the same age turned around and said, "you feel old at 27? That's pathetic" in front of everyone.

This person is rude.

You said nothing wrong - you were making polite small talk and conversation.

_Whimsical_

talktoomuch wrote: »

For example, I turned 27 recently and someone in work found out and said happy birthday. I said "thanks...feel so old now...can't believe I'm in my late twenties!" and another girl who is the same age turned around and said, "you feel old at 27? That's pathetic" in front of everyone. I just mumbled something about the last few years having passed by quickly and then shut down for the rest of the day.

I suppose I do sometimes blurt things out because of anxiety, and I do repeat myself quite a lot. I find small talk very hard, but I try to do it because I was considered rude when I didn't. I just never know what to say. The things other people say also sound trivial and boring, so I don't understand why I seem to get criticised so much for doing the same.

You really weren't at any fault here,that's a standard socially competent response to "happy birthday".The girl who turned around and said you were pathetic is the one who needs to brush up on her social skills. Chances are she didn't mean it as caustically as you took it, she might have meant it in a "dont be crazy" vein. Otherwise she is just frankly a bit of a cow.

You have friends and people who like you. If you had a serious social problem that wouldn't be happening. Some of us are just quieter than others. While we might never be the life and soul of the party we bring our own unique gifts to the table. We are more empathetic and better listeners for one thing. No matter who you are there will be people who won't like you and won't get you and very often that will be much more about them and their insecurities and prejudices than about you. You can't change to suit all these people. I think the best thing to do is to try and become less sensitive to these silly people with nothing more to do than put other people down to make themselves feel better. Try to start seeing them as the pitiful people that they are and brush their bitchy comments off. Work on focusing on your good points, already I can tell you are sensitive and observant,you're willing to make an effort to chat to make others more comfortable,you sound nice. Try seeing some of your skills for the valuable traits they are and you will gain confidence in your self. Once you have more of that social ease and equilibrium will flow from it,you won't feel obliged to fill every silence and equally you won't sit silent when you've something to say. It won't mean everyone will like you but it'll mean you will like you and you'll know the people around you like you for who you are not because you're some hollow people pleaser.

loalae

It doesn't sound like you have rubbish social skills. I agree with others that the woman's comment was just rude! I know it's easy to say and not so easy to put into practice but have more confidence in yourself.

You're not on this earth to be exactly what other people want you to be. It's ok to be quiet and to just watch and listen, it's also ok to occasionally talk too much and put your foot in it. When other people have a problem with who you are, it's THEIR problem.

Stavro Mueller

Your colleague sounds like an utter cow. Not everyone's going to like us unfortunately so try not to let her get to you. There are times when I wonder are workplaces just kindergartens for grown-ups when I see the way some people behave.

If your friends say you're grand, then take their word for it. On the other hand, maybe it might be worth keeping an eye on how much you say in a conversation. Are you hogging conversations? There's nothing wrong with being a quieter person if that's what you're more comfortable with. Don't chatter just for the sake of filling space.