Autism Dating

LegacyUser

Situation:
I am currently on work placement program. I have a type of Higher Functioning Autism, meaning the social skills arent the best but everything else exceeds above average intelligence. Everything is going great. I am hitting all my academic targets, infact not only that but I am devoting 60% of my time on the program to helping other participants. I am regularly in everyday and meeting people. I dont have any "friends" on the course. People come in two varieties "acquaintances" and "dyed in the wool friends". People on the program are all on the spectrum from low IQ and no life skills to strips computers and advanced understanding of Biology.

One individual has taken a shine to me. This person has ADHD and average IQ. This person is charming and I dont like the canteen or big crowds so I go away for lunch and that person follows me. We have a good rapport. I have never had a person other than family say "I love you". We have very little shared interests as the person follows sport.

There is also an issue of age gap. I am mid 30's and this person is only early 20's if that. I dont want to upset a guardian or supervisor on the course. If I can see it the placement officers can see it also. All my life I am either hassling the opposite sex or I completely miss flirting. Its not my fault I misinterpret a lot of communication.

It is really hard to meet anyone, not in mid thirties everyone is either hooked up or comes with serious baggage. To meet someone who can get past the stigma, then who can grasp the points of it ..... and then to meet someone you can have a conversation with. Ladies with HFA (Men:Women, 4:1) are hard to come by and they are usually snapped up by successful HFA guys (Successful: unsucessful, 5:1).

Is it ok to date a person like this or does anyone have any opinions on it coming form Neuro Typicals (non Autism people). how do you perceive it? legally morally? etc.

Diziet

You are both adults and there does not seem to be any coercion, so I don't see any issue.

Diziet

BTW, I am NT, partner of 30 years is ASD.

neemish

Hi OP,

Your post struck me as being incredibly thoughtful and insightful. One thing you don't say though is if you like this person in return! Is this someone you would like to spend more time with?

That question aside, I'm not sure an internet site is the best place to get answers. You are as entitled as anyone else to experience friendship, love, relationships. But it is not quite as simple as that. Are you talking about friendship or something more? Is the other person able to give informed consent? Do they have the same understanding of the situation as you? There are so many variables.

Is there anyone you could talk to about this? A family member? Would you consider talking to a counsellor? Not someone who will be just dismiss your concerns, but someone who will help you to work through these issues. And maybe give you some tips on how to read the signs better, and work on you with communication skills etc. These are very real concerns. And even if this person who like you isn't the "one", it would not be time wasted if get a better understanding of what is going on for you.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

The reason I wrote the post is I wanted to see how Neuro Typicals (NT's or Normal People) would react to seeing someone with HFA with someone with ADHD. I do look about 10 years younger than I should. Part genes, part no family stress. HFA is seen a lot slower than ADHD. Straight out...... I dont want to be seen as a Paedo or someone who takes advantage of vunerable people.

People with HFA aren't emotionless but I don't feel passion and bonding the same way the NT's do. The last girl I dated (my interpretation) had Aspergers and told me as soon as she finished college in two years she was off to the States. "What about me?" I got told there was no room on the bus. I didnt get mad or angry just deleted her from my phone and that was it.

I would you to answer my questions as if you were my neighbours, co-workers and people I socialise with. This goes back to Theory of Mind (ToM). I cant ask my parents as they have their own problems. I cant ask my relatives as I told them all to "Go F*&k them selves" after I got a late diagnosis. This may seem completely unreasonable as how would they know. Except for the fact they are all in the "Higher professions" (a sample of these shining stars are primary school teachers, childcare development specialist, a pharmacist, a counsellor at a private mental health clinic, 2 psych nurses and a school principal and a family of GP's). Lets just say the only reason I stopped abusing them because I ran out of F*&ks to give.

I just want someone to share my life with. Someone to turn up to college graduation, to cook for, someone to come home to and someone to go halves on the laundry with ... maybe.

Trust is something I dont do for professionals anymore. I would rather take my chances with an ouija board.

She is cute she makes me smile, I worry what will happen when the novelty wears off for her. I think she likes me.... we havent had a chance to have a chat alone, yet. She doesnt smoke, is a bit of a Tomboy and y'know what I like that.

zoe 3619

You're both over the age of consent.nobody has any right to judge.don't rush things.buy her a coffee.see how you get on.start as friends and see what develops.if you like her,wish you luck.:-) you sound like you have plenty to offer..( you had me at cooking the meals and halves on the laundry!)if everyone worried about what other people thought,nobody would ever do anything.

LegacyUser

HFA2014 wrote: »

This person has ADHD and average IQ.

There is also an issue of age gap. I am mid 30's and this person is only early 20's if that. I dont want to upset a guardian or supervisor on the course.

I have no experience with anyone with ADHD..... this is completely uncharted territory for me. Its not that she is promiscuous, its that some girls with ADHD feels that they needs to make up for things socially because guys reject them. Now couple that with age difference and the average person comes up with Paedo. I look about 26 and she looks about 16. She has enough things to deal with.

Also Correction: Ladies with HFA (Men:Women, 4:1) are hard to come by and they are usually snapped up by successful HFA guys (Unsuccessful: successful, 5:1). There may be a competency issue there with girls with ADHD.

So that is like a 1 in 20 chance of finding someone to have a successful relationship with and making it work..... I would ideally like another Aspie who gets me. Aspies in non aspie relationships usually dont work or require massive amounts of effort. I have dated (success is defined a 5 dates or 2 months) about 5 girls, the most amazing girls but it just doesnt work out. They were the greatest girls in the world. This girl I dont want to have to leave her in 25 years and have to worry what her future will be.

Also Special thanks to @Neemish and @zoe3619

Remember Guns dont kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters kill people.

pharmaton

If it's any consolation I've been in a similar situation, and while I can make no distinction to HFA, I'm only too aware that I process pretty much everything obsessively, to my own detriment most of the time. The best advice I received was to remember that as the older and hopefully wiser element of the relationship, you are charged with making sure that you leave that person in as healthy, if not a better state as you found them. I eventually decided that in the long run, that wasn't something I felt I wanted to take responsibility for, for many reasons. While I absolutely had no intention of harming anyone, I would stress myself out constantly making sure (obsessing) that I wouldn't fail this person and honestly, I would never feel fulfilled acting as a guardian for someone else. (I have a hard enough time trying not to Fcuk up my own life) It wouldn't be fair on either of us.
I don't do relationships at this point, they are all consuming but I decided that if I were going to start anywhere, I would work on having healthy friendships and be grateful for the function within them.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I appreciate that you are trying to see how Neuro Typicals would react to seeing someone with HFA with someone with ADHD, and that you are concerned about both social stigmas and the perceived age difference.

However, simply running it by the forums here and trying to gauge our reactions isn't really going to give you a green light/red light as to whether it's a good idea or not, as there are other aspects to your situation that need to be taken into consideration that we here simply can't be fully aware of.

There's the factor that this is a person that is currently part of your work placement, and there may be considerations or guardianship issues there that we aren't aware of. Again, I'm concerned that the wrong advice could land you in trouble, and the only way to find that out is to discuss it with your work supervisor. I would also suggest talking to friends that see you and this person interact on a daily basis, and see what they think of the situation. How her family members or guardian will react to this is again outside of the experiences of the people posting here, and I am concerned that we could inadvertently give you the wrong advice.

I would imagine that you have far better access to specialists in the fields of Autism and ADHD than we here - I would suggest that you make an appointment with them to discuss your situation. They will have experienced similar situations before, and will be able to better advise you of courses of action, how you might approach this with a guardian, and potential pitfalls that you might encounter. Thread closed, and I wish you the best of luck with this.

Regards,
Mike