Friend has stopped making any effort with me

LegacyUser

My friend has pretty much just stopped talking to me. It has always been me who has called her and asked her to meet me and when we lived in the same town she usually would. But I’ve moved town and I never see her anymore. It’s only a 15 minute bus journey away. And she meets up with friends in town which is 50 mintues away. She has a job now but even when she didn’t have a job she only came out to visit me once or twice. Since she started work I haven’t even got a text or phonecall from her.

When she was in college she would only ever meet me for a coffee for a couple of hours on a Sunday because she worked during the week. One time, I was late because I had to organise my son and a lift from my husband and when I turned up she informed me that should could only stay for 20 minutes because she had to get a bus to college. So I was put through all the stress of getting ready and she just f*cked off!

I’ve been friends with her since we were children. I’ve been through a lot of difficult stuff – I have a disability and I’m always on medication, my relationship with my husband has been a bit rocky (violence), there are social services involved with my son, we bought a house and it was very stressful – and she was there for me for most of it. But since last summer I feel like she has just stopped contacting me.

Like she’ll reply to texts and answer the phone when I call but she never makes the effort to call me. Even when we lived in the same town I’d have to call her to meet up. She was very good when I was upset about all the violence in my house and even brought me to the Gardai but I feel like she has dropped me now.

I don’t have any other friends I can talk to and she was always the first person I’d call whenever I was having a difficult time and it really hurts that she knows what I’m going through and still won’t call me to see if I’m doing alright.

How can I get her to make more of an effort with me?

Penny Tration

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but maybe she's sick to death of hearing about your problems. I'm not for a second saying they're not valid problems, though.

It's just, think of it from her perspective for a minute.

You say yourself that she's the only person you can talk to about your problems, and she's the first you call when you need to talk. Maybe it's too much for her? You say there's violence in your marriage. I'd imagine she's told you to leave him, if he's been violent?

Maybe it's impossible for her to remain willing to talk and listen to your problems if it's the same story, with no effort on your part to resolve the issues?

Again, no nastiness intended. Just thinking of how it may be from her point of view.

monflat

Dont read into the fact that because she does not phone you she is not making an effort.
I have a few friends but i bloddy hate talking on mobile as there is always reception problems.

Maybe she is moving in a different direction.
Friends come and go and peoples interests change.


Ive had childhood friends they are still there,
However ive had friends over the years that come and go.

Maybe she has a new friend or boyfriend.?
Have you asked her .?

There is a thing called compassion fatigue as the above poster said maybe the subjects in your conversations dont change.

Maybe she has given you loads of advice but not acted on it ?

How much does she share about herself how much do you know about her ?

LegacyUser

Op again

Yeah she started saying that maybe I should think about leaving my husband or looking for help. She dialled the women's refuge and insisted that I talk to them. That was last summer and since then I haven't spoken about my husband cos I know that she doesn't like him and wants me to leave him and I just can't at the moment. I wouldn't have anywhere to live if I did.

She doesn't have any new friends I don't think. But when we talk she doesn't really tell me anything about herself. She was going out with someone last year and she found it difficult to find a job when she finished college and I think she's going to move to England soon for something.

monflat

effortlessfriend wrote: »

Op again

Yeah she started saying that maybe I should think about leaving my husband or looking for help. She dialled the women's refuge and insisted that I talk to them. That was last summer and since then I haven't spoken about my husband cos I know that she doesn't like him and wants me to leave him and I just can't at the moment. I wouldn't have anywhere to live if I did.

She doesn't have any new friends I don't think. But when we talk she doesn't really tell me anything about herself. She was going out with someone last year and she found it difficult to find a job when she finished college and I think she's going to move to England soon for something.

Maybe she too has alot goin on in her life too.

When you talk to her what are the conversations about?


Have you considered talkin to the samaratins or anyone like that yourself about your own issues?

Has your husband ever been violent towards your son?

Tokyo

OP, there's obviously a lot of background story here that you aren't sharing with us, particularly if things have gotten to the point where your friend recommends that you leave your husband, and has called the women's refuge on your behalf so that you can seek help. It sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship of some sort, and she's been the sounding board for you for quite a while now, throughout all of this. That's the only scenario where I can see her taking such drastic steps.

Ultimately she may have realised that she can't make changes in your life for you, and that if you are in an abusive relationship then there comes a point where you have to stop using her as a crutch and seek out help for yourself, and as such she may have taken a step back from the friendship for these reasons. And if this is the case then I can't say that I blame her.

It may be worth your while examining the reason why your friend of so many years as asked you to leave your husband, and has asked you to seek help. Because if the situation is what I think it is, and your friend has taken a step back to let you see what you need to do to help yourself, then she's the best friend you could possibly have.

LegacyUser

How is she being a good friend if she isn't there for me anymore?

I'm willing to be there for her and I'd do anything for her if she asked. All I want is for her to call me up sometimes and come and visit me. I don't think that's too much to expect from a friend.

My son has never seen anything. But the problem with when she brought me to the Gardai was that they have to tell the social workers.

There's no more violence anymore, I think it was the stress of moving.

My problem is, if I tell anyone about what is going on my husband says that he'll tell them that I'm paranoid and hallucinating and that the two of us are involved in the violence so I won't be entitled to anything. I was in hospital for a while last summer because of that. I'm fine now because I'm taking my medication. The stress of moving house just got to me.

My friend was always telling me to go to my doctor just to make sure that everything was alright but everyone always seems to blame things on my illness and sometimes it's not that.

Stavro Mueller

To be honest, I don't think this has been a functioning friendship for quite a while. Friendships from childhood don't necessarily last into adulthood and this one's on its last legs. Because you have no other friends really, you're desperately clinging on to this friend even though she is treating you like someone who's very far down her list of priorities. You're the one who's always having to initiate contact and do the chasing. Would I be right if I suggested that if you never called or texted her again, that you'd never hear from her again?

You will have to admit that you have dumped an awful lot of your problems onto her. Perhaps you've burned her out at this stage and she can take no more. I'm also curious to know what's really going on with your husband. Perhaps as Mike has suggested, she has cut contact to try and make you seek help yourself. Or the other side of the coin - she's frustrated of having to listen to you and your problems yet can't understand why you won't leave your husband.

Tokyo

effortlessfriend wrote: »

How is she being a good friend if she isn't there for me anymore?

Because by not being there for you to complain to, she's forced you to look further afield for help, even if it is just in these here forums, it's a step in the right direction. Every one who has had a friend in an abusive relationship would love to live in a world where they could frogmarch their friend down to the local police station and make them get help. Unfortunately the real world isn't like that - you can't "rescue" a friend in a situation such as this - they have to be the one to decide it's time to get help. Whether you realise this or not, your friend has forced you to reach out. I hope that you see that.

effortlessfriend wrote: »

My problem is, if I tell anyone about what is going on my husband says that he'll tell them that I'm paranoid and hallucinating and that the two of us are involved in the violence so I won't be entitled to anything. I was in hospital for a while last summer because of that. I'm fine now because I'm taking my medication. The stress of moving house just got to me.

There's a whole bigger issue here than your friend not being around when you want them. You are in a violent relationship, and you need to take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again. I get the impression that you don't want to talk about that, but please know that there is help out there if you are willing to accept it.

LegacyUser

Hey something like this happened to me. I'd an old friend from school who developed a disability that left her not able to work and stuck at home a lot. Her other friends drifted away but I stayed in touch. I think I was nearly her only friend by the end. I didn't mind being a shoulder to cry on but it started making me feel miserable aswell. Every time I popped over to see her it was like misery central. I don't think I'm a selfish person but I had to reduce contact for my own sanity.

Stavro Mueller

effortlessfriend wrote: »

How is she being a good friend if she isn't there for me anymore?

I'm willing to be there for her and I'd do anything for her if she asked. All I want is for her to call me up sometimes and come and visit me. I don't think that's too much to expect from a friend.

When did the issues with her not really making the effort to stay in touch really become noticeable? Do they coincide with your husband coming on the scene? Or perhaps when he was violent?

Here's another thought - perhaps your friend's keeping her distance because she doesn't want to meet your husband either in your house or if he's giving you a lift. I'm sure he knows she was involved in going to the Gardai etc. I wonder is she a bit afraid for her own safety?

My son has never seen anything. But the problem with when she brought me to the Gardai was that they have to tell the social workers

Are the social workers still involved? Something tells me there's more to this than meets the eye.

There's no more violence anymore, I think it was the stress of moving.

My problem is, if I tell anyone about what is going on my husband says that he'll tell them that I'm paranoid and hallucinating and that the two of us are involved in the violence so I won't be entitled to anything. I was in hospital for a while last summer because of that. I'm fine now because I'm taking my medication. The stress of moving house just got to me.

I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you :rolleyes: I don't buy this "stress of moving" excuse you're trotting out. I really don't like what you're describing here. Stress of moving house is NEVER a reason for domestic violence. If I was your friend and you were repeating that excuse ad nauseum I'd be banging my head off the nearest wall in utter frustration.

It is also very worrying that you're afraid of what your husband will say. Abusive relationships don't have to be physically violent. A lot of damage can be done without anyone raising a fist.

My friend was always telling me to go to my doctor just to make sure that everything was alright but everyone always seems to blame things on my illness and sometimes it's not that.

Your friend has been telling you to go the doctor because she can see what you can't see. Nobody wants to interfere in someone else's marriage unless they see it as a last resort. I can only assume that's what happened here. Your friend has been trying to help but you're not willing to accept it.

Back to the abusive relationship issue, here's a list from the Womens Aid website. Do any of these ring a bell?

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.

Merkin

effortlessfriend wrote: »

How is she being a good friend if she isn't there for me anymore?.

That's quite a loaded statement.

I reckon she is no longer there for you because she became tired of your over dependence and probably unwillingness to change your situation. Friendships, as with all relationships, are two-way streets and it sounds like this friendship in recent years centred around the various issues and dramas that encompassed your life.

Maybe she quite simply had a guts full. And on that basis you have to let her go, it sounds like it has run it's course.

dipdip

It sounds as though right now you don't know how to be in a healthy relationship, be that friendly, romantic or otherwise. You have poor boundaries. You've allowed yours to be smashed by staying with an abuser and you've probably asked too much of your friend.

You can't make someone be there for you.

You need to take a long look in the mirror. Are you going to be a victim who needs rescuing forever? Or are you going to choose something else for your future? Something better? You deserve more.

ivytwine

Also OP, without having a go at you further because I can imagine you are not thrilled at how this thread has turned out, I'd like you to take a look at this statement.

She was going out with someone last year and she found it difficult to find a job when she finished college and I think she's going to move to England soon for something.

Now I know you said she doesn't tell you a lot about her life, but have you considered that she hasn't had the chance to get a word in edgeways? Do you know why she's planning on going to England? Are you even interested?

I've been in a position where a friend was in a horrible relationship with a downright criminal, and tbh I had to distance myself. There is only so many times you can give what you feel is good advice only to have it utterly ignored before you feel you are going to snap and say something you'll regret. Also, a friendship is supposed to go both ways. If someone spends half an hour talking about themselves and then asks you a cursory 'how are you' and their eyes glaze over while you're telling them, you'll feel both hurt and insulted. I think this may be case with your friend.

She's probably exhausted. You mention the time she had to leave after 20 mins- she still stayed for 20 mins, she had commitments that she had to stick with. And to be frank, you were the one who was late. You let her down- not the other way round.

Finally on your husband. Staying in an abusive relationship will not only damage you, it'll **** up your kid seven ways from Sunday. So either get your husband to MOVE Ireland or leave. If I'm really honest, if your husband is the type of man who abuse his ill wife, he is the scum of the earth.

LegacyUser

Your entire thread is focused on what you expect her to do for you. Maybe you just haven't said it, but do you do anything for her at all? Is it a two way street, or do you just expect her to be constantly available to listen to your problems that you do nothing to fix?

It just sounds like you are emotionally on the take all time, and your friend is very sick of it.

I think you need to consider what you can do for your friend, as opposed to you expecting her to constantly do things for you, if you want this friendship to continue.

Stavro Mueller

I know the point has been hammered into the ground at this stage but the one thing you need to take from this is that friendship isn't unconditional. If you're giving your friend reason not to make the effort to see you, then you need to ask yourself why.

LegacyUser

My relationship was definitely abusive and I probably did rely on my friend a lot. But surely friends are supposed to support you through hard times?

I stopped talking to her about my husband after I came out of hospital. And in fairness to him he has stopped being nasty to me since he knew how badly it affected me and I've been working on being less dependent and naggy. He went to anger management classes too which has helped.

Whenever she tells me about stuff going on in her life of course I listen to her. She's a career women but I know she really wants a boyfriend and children and a home of her own so maybe she sees me as having everything she wants to have? (obviously minus the illness and difficult parts of the marriage) Even though I've told her marriage and raising children is really difficult she really wants that. She's moving away to work.

I just think she's a bit selfish because when we meet is always in her terms which isn't right in a friendship.

Taltos

Op you only need to post once. As you are unregistered your posts have to be approved by a moderator. This takes time as we might always be online.

Thanks
Taltos

Merkin

OP you really need to let this go, I think this friendship has died a death. This happens with friendships sometimes and if she is no longer speaking to you then you can't force the issue.

Teyla Emmagan

I think you're flogging a dead horse here OP. In my opinion it sounds like she is exhausted with your problems. Friendship is a two way thing, it's not a promise of eternity. I think you'd be better off giving her a break and leaving things for a few months before making contact again. Maybe then things will have changed, but there is no way you can 'force' her back if that's what you're hoping.

Stavro Mueller

Even if your friendship hadn't fizzled out you'd still have the issue of not having anyone nearby to talk to. Your friend's moving away to England and even with modern technology, she'd not be there in the same way she was before. I know it's not so easy for you to get out of the house but you need to broaden your horizons and meet new people. You need more friends in your life.

LegacyUser

An ex of mine who I'd consider a friend offloads on me a lot.

I like her and as she doesn't have very many friends, I'd rather she offloaded on me than her few other friends as I don't want her to lose them. It is hard going at time though.

I know how it can be when someone always has problems. The frustrating thing is when you listen and show empathy, then maybe offer some solutions and advice, that you continue to hear the same thing again and again.

So they haven't done anything to change the situation that they are in yet they still tell you about the situation - it gets frustrating and somewhat annoying.

Smothered mum

I had to take a step back from an old school friend too about a year ago. It killed me with guilt to do this, but I felt I was left with no other choice. She had a lot of her own problems going on and I didn't want to add to them by telling her that I no longer could tolerate the way she spoke to me, treated me or made me feel. So I replied to only a few of her texts, sometimes days later, I made it more difficult to meet up and generally began avoiding her but always in the politest way I could, I was never once rude to her.

The reason I took the step back was because every time we met, I was being told the exact same stories. Every time she would offload all her problems on me and then hug me at the end of it saying "oh I feel so much better now!" but she was leaving me drained, mentally exhausted and then worrying sick about her. I couldn't do it anymore, I just had enough.

I had a very difficult time in my life just before this happened and when I came through it, I took stock of the people that were there for me, the ones that held my hand or gave me their ear or shoulder to cry on. She was not one of those people, in fact, she dismissed my feelings completely.

Sometimes, friendships run their course and people move on with their own lives. It sounds to me like she tried her hardest for you, she really genuinely did, but OP, if you ever loved your friend and wanted the best for her, then this is your chance to be her best friend. Let her move on with her life in her own way, and be happy for her.

santana75

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I think you're flogging a dead horse here OP. In my opinion it sounds like she is exhausted with your problems. Friendship is a two way thing, it's not a promise of eternity. I think you'd be better off giving her a break and leaving things for a few months before making contact again. Maybe then things will have changed, but there is no way you can 'force' her back if that's what you're hoping.

I'd agree with this. OP you say that you're the one always making the effort and if thats the case then I'd walk away from this situation. Friends dont act like that, real friends anyway. I know it means you'll be without friends for now but thats the reason you're clinging to a relationship thats obviously one sided, its like staying married for fear of being on your own. Cut the chord and face up to whats driving your need to stay in a friendship thats gone bad. You have to treat yourself with respect and not chase after people, this is the first step to having healthy relationships in your life, being able to handle being on your own, because when you can do that you'll never be needy or clingy or chase people and when thats the case you'll make friends easily.

Est28

effortlessfriend wrote: »

My relationship was definitely abusive and I probably did rely on my friend a lot. But surely friends are supposed to support you through hard times?

I stopped talking to her about my husband after I came out of hospital. And in fairness to him he has stopped being nasty to me since he knew how badly it affected me and I've been working on being less dependent and naggy. He went to anger management classes too which has helped.

Whenever she tells me about stuff going on in her life of course I listen to her. She's a career women but I know she really wants a boyfriend and children and a home of her own so maybe she sees me as having everything she wants to have? (obviously minus the illness and difficult parts of the marriage) Even though I've told her marriage and raising children is really difficult she really wants that. She's moving away to work.

I just think she's a bit selfish because when we meet is always in her terms which isn't right in a friendship.

OP,
Bottom line is you are being absolutely draining. Friends are not there for you to dump on.
Friends are friends because each offers some value to the others life and if they enhance the others life enough then yes, they will be there through the hard times too as they'll care. But it sounds like you just expect unconditional love.

We're not being harsh on you. I've met plenty people like this, they just don't realise it but they are absolutely draining to be around. Like, only a few sentences into talking about your friend, you jsut went all off track and told all of US about all your problems and then how she is the first person you call when you have problems... is she the first perosn you call when SHE has problems? Or when there are no problems at all and offer her some fun times?

Sounds like she is sick of it. Can't blame her. Need to look within for the answers here.

Pippy1976

I am going through the same thing with my 'best' friend recently. Fair enough, she's a husband and family now and her priorities aren't with me anymore.

However, it is hurtful when this happens but I read something about this scenario recently and it rang true for me:

"why put all your effort and energy into a friendship that you're getting nothing back from? Instead, concentrate on the friendships that give you something in return."

It's so true. One-way friendships are energy sapping. Spend time with the friends who return your calls, texts or invites to lunch. Life's too short for the other nonsense. My friend knows where I am if she needs me. She probably won't though, but that's o.k. too.

Best of luck, O.P.

tinkerbell

effortlessfriend wrote: »

My relationship was definitely abusive and I probably did rely on my friend a lot. But surely friends are supposed to support you through hard times?

I stopped talking to her about my husband after I came out of hospital. And in fairness to him he has stopped being nasty to me since he knew how badly it affected me and I've been working on being less dependent and naggy. He went to anger management classes too which has helped.

Whenever she tells me about stuff going on in her life of course I listen to her. She's a career women but I know she really wants a boyfriend and children and a home of her own so maybe she sees me as having everything she wants to have? (obviously minus the illness and difficult parts of the marriage) Even though I've told her marriage and raising children is really difficult she really wants that. She's moving away to work.

I just think she's a bit selfish because when we meet is always in her terms which isn't right in a friendship.

No offence OP, but I can see why she's dropped you as a friend because no doubt she's fed up of listening to your problems, giving you advice and you ignoring everything she says. You're in an abusive relationship. She's tried to help you but you clearly ignored all her help and she probably doesn't think it's worth wasting anymore time over.

I highlighted part of your post here which really screams out why she has dropped you as a friend because I would probably bet she has picked up on your attitude. You seriously think she's jealous of you? In that she wants a husband and children and you think she's dropped you because "you have it all"? How could you think she's jealous of your family life? You're in a violent and abusive relationship. And then you have the cheek to tell her that marriage and raising children is "really difficult"? No it's not. If you are married to the RIGHT person, marriage and raising children is not "really difficult", it's wonderful. Of course there may be some hard times but nothing like your issues where you live with an abuser. I'd say that was probably the last straw for her - she's trying to help you, offering advice, contacts women's refuge in despair for you and you completely ignore her advice and then tell her that she's wrong to want a husband and a family because it's "really difficult". I don't blame her for not wanting to be around you anymore.

I suggest you see a counsellor because the issue here is YOU, not your friend, and until you face up to your own issues, you'll be miserable, stuck in an abusive marriage and your friend won't give you another chance - and she's the one person who stood by you and tried to help you, not your husband, not anyone else.

homemadecider

Sorry OP but you sound deluded. Do you really think your friend is jealous of you when you are in a relationship with an abusive man? I genuinely think you need your head checked.

Big Bag of Chips

It's true what everyone is saying, OP. I know you have your difficulties and problems in life, but you are so wrapped up in your problems, that you are not being a good friend to your friend. She has supported you. She has listened to you. She has tried to help you. Yet when she talks about her life and what she hopes for you shoot her down and bring it back to you again.

Of course she wants marriage and children... An awful lot of people do. But instead of listening to her and supporting her and wishing her well, you try to convince her not to.

People need people around them who are a positive influence on them, and bring something good to their life. That is what your friend was for you, and that is why you are desperate to have her back. She was the one constant good thing in your life. The one thing you could depend on. But, the opposite side of that is.. you weren't being that for her. Of course if you have problems your friend should be there for you (and she was), and she tried to help. I'm sure she was a fantastic help and source of support to you. But then, as soon as she brings up her life the positivity that she gave you isn't returned. You bring your negativity from your own life into hers. You try to put her off doing the things that most adults naturally want.

Friendship, as someone else mentioned isn't unconditional. It must be very upsetting for her to have been there for you for so long, and then to feel like you are not there for her too.

You are not in a good or nice relationship. Your friend knows you are not. You have decided to stick it out. She has tried to be supportive of you, but I'd guess the culmination of everything has made her realise it's a friendship that is giving nothing back.

It is draining OP. You've made your choice to stay there. Your friend, for her own well being has decided to keep her distance... And I can't say I wouldn't do the same.

Edit: By the way, your reaction and how you interact with her is completely normal. It is very difficult when you are in a bad situation to be positive or "chirpy" about other things. I know this thread must be difficult for you to read, especially if you are already feeling down because of the various problems in your life. But I don't think people are posting to you to be unkind. I know that's not my intention anyway. But rather to point out from your friend's perspective how the friendship feels.

Please don't take the posts as "kicking someone when they're down" type of responses. But try to see them as people, removed from the situation, objectively looking in, advising you on maybe where things went wrong.

You can't force your friend back into your life. But maybe of you try to be a friend to her, instead of her always being the friend to you then you might have a chance of rebuilding the friendship that you had... Except better!

nonsmoker

Op you sound like one of my friends who I have distanced myself from over the last year.
Majority of your posts are about you and whats going on in your life!!

For me we were friends and I use the term loosely because it was all take from her and no give :-(
We knew each other for about 35 years but the conversation was always about her, what was going on in her life, no matter what problems anyone had hers were always worse....

We drifted apart years ago for the same reasons but then got back in touch and things were fine for a while but I soon realised she hadn't changed one bit. She's the type of person who asks a question but doesn't wait on a reply before the conversation is back to her talking, moaning, etc. I had enough, like others said I was mentally drained every time we met up not to mention bored about hearing the same stuff over and over again.

There's only so much 'listening' a person can do, let your friend go and get on with her life, like others said I very much doubt she is jealous of your life!