Lying About Girlfriend and Flirting Gone Wrong?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm twenty-one and a bit of a flirt. I don't realise it sometimes, because it's all such innocent but cheeky banter.

I flirted with a friend Mark for a while a year or two ago. I did like him, but because of the way life goes we stopped chatting as often and our flirting came to a halt with that.

I met Peter through mutual friends three months ago. Mark was an acquaintance of Peters at the time, but we are all in the same large social circle now and all friends. We were at a party with said mutual friends. We had talked a little online when organising nights out within the group, so I knew of him before I met him. So we meet for the first time, and he starts chatting me up. My reply was a cheeky way to turn him down, and from then we really hit it off. We flirted innocently after that, and whenever we talked online.

Last month a group of us went out, and Peter and I met again. We continued our innocent flirting and talked for most of the night. He said he liked me, but he knew it would never go any further than that, which was a relief to hear. I liked him too - although I would admit it to no-one - and didn't want anything to happen. From what I already knew about Peter, I knew we would just never work out for so many reasons. So I took a step back from talking to him for a few days and let my little crush fade away.

When Peter and I were next talking on Facebook, he asked me to go to the cinema with him. I made up an excuse because I wasn't sure if he meant it in a friendly or date-ish way. A few days later, he starts flirting a little and we're having some good banter. Then he turns it up a notch and his flirting stops being so innocent (nothing explicit, but it made me a little uncomfortable - like when some random guy is ridiculously drunk and makes a pass at you). He started saying things which if I liked him would have made me say aww, but I didn't so it made me all the more uncomfortable. I ended the conversation and that was that.

The next day, I'm talking to my friend about having another night out. She said she noticed myself and Peter were getting a little cozy last time. I told her how it was and that our flirting was usually innocent and playful. She asked "usually?" and I explained about what happened the night before on Facebook, and how he said he liked me. She freaks saying that Peter has a girlfriend.

Later that night he makes a (really bad) joke about me becoming his girlfriend. I told him "ha, I've heard you already have a girlfriend. No need to be greedy having two!" He denied having a girlfriend twice. I went back to my friend, who said he definitely has a girlfriend. They've even double dated.

During the past month, Mark and I have begun talking a good bit again. My feelings for him have completely resurfaced and I really like him, although I'm not sure I want to let him know yet, if ever. It is just a crush at the end of the day. My friends can generally guess when I like someone though, because my behaviour can change around them a bit. Anyway, somehow it got back to Peter that I may fancy Mark. He messaged me asking did I fancy him. I said no. I figured knowing that what I felt for Mark would never go beyond a crush, I may as well pretend it doesn't exist. Peter said it seemed like I did from when we were talking in a group FB chat (I was a little - I repeat, a LITTLE - flirty, but it was all just innocent). I had to go so I ended the conversation there.

Now I'm left confused. Why would Peter lie about having a girlfriend and care if I fancied Mark? Also if anything was to happen with Mark, would it look bad on me for flirting with Peter beforehand? It was all in innocence, although I'm beginning to think he doesn't see it like that anymore.

Tokyo

Oh dear..... this post reads of drama from start to finish, to be honest. Let me get this straight:

• You were interested in Mark but didn't go any further than flirting.
• You weren't interested in Peter but continued your "innocent" flirting.
• Then you did like Peter but would admit it to no-one.
• You think that Peter may have a girlfriend but haven't called him out on it, other than an offhand comment.
• You are interested in Mark again but don't want to let him know.
• You're telling Peter that you aren't interested in Mark again because you don't want him to know either?

As much as you might not want to hear this, a big part of the problem here is you, and the complete lack of transparency on your part with the guys involved. You're convinced that your flirting is completely innocent, even though the guys in question obviously aren't reading it that way, and neither are your friends looking in from the outside, if they are pointing out how cosy you are getting with Peter.

First, regarding the guy you say is a platonic friend - Peter - you're toying with him, there's no two ways about it. You know that he's been interested in you, you even suspect that he may have a girlfriend, but you haven't scaled back - at all - the way in which you interact with him. Innocent flirting is fine when everybody involved knows 100% where they stand, but when romantic overtures start creeping into the interactions, then it's necessary to scale back the time or attention you pay to that person.

As for Peter (maybe) having a girlfriend, there's two possibilities - he has a girlfriend and lied about it, or he had a girlfriend when your female friend last met him and they've since broken up. There's no way of knowing without talking to him properly about it, and you had the chance to call him out on that and you didn't take it, and honestly I'm not sure why you didn't. But either way, it shouldn't have gotten to that stage in the first place if you have been clear from the beginning. You already know why Peter would care that you are interested in Mark. It's because he's interested in you, something you've known for quite a while.

Now regarding Mark, the guy you are interested in. You were interested in him, but didn't let it go anywhere, now you're interested in him again but you don't want to let him know, but are flirting with him again and your friends have noticed how you behave towards him... to be honest I'm finding it hard to even follow at this stage.

You need to stop playing games and be transparent. First you need to tell Peter that there's no hope of anything happening, and stop flirting with him and giving him hope that the situation may change. If you want to maintain a platonic relationship with him, that's fine. But you need to let him know in no unreasonable terms that you want to keep things on the “just friends” level, and take action if he doesn't act in that manner.

Regarding Mark, as the expression goes, it's time to **** or get off the pot. If you are interested in him, then tell him and see if he wants it to go anywhere. But flirting with him and then pulling back, and denying it to everyone else, including Peter, is unfair to all involved. Only by being crystal clear with everyone involved, does this have a chance of working out. Otherwise it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Defiler Of The Coffin

soconfusedrn wrote: »

Now I'm left confused. Why would Peter lie about having a girlfriend and care if I fancied Mark?

Are you serious? It's obvious Peter is into you in a big way. You're being deliberately obtuse here. It looks to me like you're loving all the drama and attention. If you're not into Peter then stop leading the poor lad on.

soconfusedrn wrote: »

Also if anything was to happen with Mark, would it look bad on me for flirting with Peter beforehand? It was all in innocence, although I'm beginning to think he doesn't see it like that anymore.

Probably not, if this is the way you carry on with guys then Mark will know exactly what he's letting himself in for. If you like him then go for it and stop messing with people's heads, people will tire of you very quickly if you don't grow up a bit.

LegacyUser

Why are you flirting with dudes that you know you won't get involved with? Isn't that a waste of energy?

Is that just part of your nature? I know people that are flirty by nature but you seem to think yours is innocent flirting? You know WELL what you're doing missus!! I just think you should put your time and effort and flirting into someone ye actually like. This all seems a bit like mind games to me. I wouldn't bother me arse flirting with someone who I know deep down I wouldn't go out with or that it wouldn't work out with. Waste of time!

retro:electro

I'm sorry but you sound to me like you just LOVE all of this attention.

amdublin

Oh for gods sake would you ever stop flirting with men you are not into.

You can be friends with someone without bringing flirting/sexual connotations into it.

Tramps Like Us

OP you sound like a headwreck with your behavior. If the lads had any sense they'd run a mile

Big Bag of Chips

You are making very simple situations very very complicated. All this, "I like him but don't want him to know" business is very childish. I'm not sure how old you are, but I hope you are at most late-teens. If you are, then you are given a certain allowance for being flakey and immature.

You obviously like both lads. And you obviously hope both lads like you. You are flirting with both of them, hoping something more will come of it, yet pretending you're not bothered (probably to save face incase you get knocked back by them?) All perfectly normal teenage behaviour to be honest.

But....

At some stage you have to grow up. Pick a guy, and stick with him. Going between the 2 WILL make you look bad. And if you fancy both, then you shouldn't be considering a relationship with either of them. It wouldn't be fair on the lad you went out with for you to be "innocently" flirting with the other. There's no such thing as innocently flirting by the way.. not when you fancy the other person.. that's just called "flirting" (without the "innocently" bit)

I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here that you are a teenager and caught up in teenage dramatics. To be honest, none of it matters. It's unlikely you're going to end up married to either guy, so have a bit of fun when you are young. Just be careful of playing too many games with both lads. They might get sick of you pretty quickly and then you'll be left with neither of them to "innocently flirt with".

Edit: I've just seen that you are "21 and a bit of a flirt"... Time to grow up now! I honestly thought from reading that, that you were about 16!!!!