New Search - Where to go from here?

Floating Hippo

Wow, this is my first post on Boards.ie and a very close one to my heart! What a wonderful story Pebbles21 and well done for expressing yourself so well on this forum. I have never had any contact with my BM, although I did look into finding her about 4 years ago - I got no information.
However after reading Philomena the book it has spurred me on a bit. But how do you start?

The_Conductor

Welcome to the forum Floatinghippo.

If you click here it brings you to the Trace Guides which will assist you in your search.

If any of us can help- please don't hesitate to ask.

Best wishes,

The_Conductor

Terri Kiernan

Best of luck with your search

Floating Hippo

Not sure i m in the right thread or not - seem to have two going .. Thought I'd repost this just in case!
That's brilliant The Conductor, appreciate that - will enjoy getting started. Terri you have inspired me also, I ve often thought I would even jus like my BM to know I have a good life and she has grand kids!
I remember a number of years ago the Govt sent out forms for both Bparents and adoptees to fill out. I understood that if there was a match then Bparents could contact the children! I have a number of friends also adopted, but none of us ever heard of anything coming from that.
Thanks again

Hermy

Hi Hippo,

Welcome to Boards.:)

When I started my search a few years ago I was determined to do so without the intervention of the church or state authorities. I am now a step or two away from making contact with my birth mother. Having eagerly used all my skills as an amateur genealogist to get this far I'm now having a long think about taking the next step towards contact. Anyhow, here's how I went about my search...

Firstly, I went to the GRO to find my birth cert - that's what's outlined in the Tracing Guide linked above by The Conductor. Having found my birth cert I was then able to find my birth mothers birth cert and also her parents marriage cert and I identified my birth mothers siblings too.

Having done all of that I thought I would have enough to find her using Facebook but it's never that simple and Facebook gave up no clues.

The next thing I did was consult the Irish Newspaper Archive - expensive to subscribe to but available free in some libraries - and that gave me among other things her mothers obituary which was a vital clue. It would appear that the family had moved to England so little wonder that I hadn't been able to find any of them in Ireland.

I then went back to Facebook armed with a few more names and some vague geographical locations. This time I was in luck and quickly found her siblings, their children and even some grandchildren! However it would appear that she doesn't use Facebook herself. Despite that absence I have managed to amass quite a bit of detail about the family including addresses, marriages and such like.

The next thing that happened was a bit of a stroke of luck. An event recently took place in my birth mothers home town and I went along as a spectator. While there I made the acquaintance of a very sound individual who it turns out knew my birth mothers family before they left for England. I believe that person knows exactly why I attended the event and is just waiting for me to ask for contact details.

So that's a brief history of my story. As most people will tell you it's a bit of an emotional roller coaster but the detective work has been fun.

Terri Kiernan

Well done you that is such a madjor amount of work and I hope you will reap many rewards I wish all the best for to think my son only had to pick up the phone I just hope some day he will but I'm so afraid. It might be too late.
Delighted to hear your news.

Floating Hippo

Thank you so much Hermy, was out for evening and back to get this. Really appreciated.
Thanks again

rcdada

I'm on the other side, I recently found out I have an adopted brother.

This week I went into the gro and looked through the Adopted Children's register and I found 4 matches to my brothers date of birth, I then contacted the gro in Roscommon and they were very helpful and emailed me a copy of the 4 matched when I provided the details.

From that I realised I had a match because my mother told me the area he went too. Because I feel I have a match, I then went back into the gro and gave details of my brother date of birth and his wife name (luckily I came across a death notice quite recent were his adopted mother died and he and his wife were mentioned) the gro then found his date of marriage and I obtained a copy unfortunately that was as far as I could go because he is living in another country and no children registered here.

Armed with a lot of information I then went onto facebook and to my complete surprise I found him and his wife. My only thing now is because neither my mam nor I have his date of adoption order and I need this to be 100%, so my mam said she will ring the adoption agency Monday and get this information although looking at his photo the family characteristic's are unbelievable !!!!

I found out 2 weeks ago and now I'm 99% sure I have found my brother, it has all happened so fast and my mam appears to be very happy but doubtful, she can't believe only 4 males were adopted born on that day..so I'm not sure she quite believes me.

I really really wish you the best of luck and as the other posters have said, the gro ( 2, werburgh st. Dublin 2) is the place to start, staff are so so helpful. If you have your mother's maiden name, hopefully it will be straight forward.

In my case, so many years have passed and I hope no more will.... siblings a lot have a right to know who their adopted brother/sisters are.

I feel a whole new world awaits me and I desperately hope my brother will be open and happy when I contact him.

Best of luck in your search.

rcdada

Terri Kiernan wrote: »

Well done you that is such a madjor amount of work and I hope you will reap many rewards I wish all the best for to think my son only had to pick up the phone I just hope some day he will but I'm so afraid. It might be too late.
Delighted to hear your news.

Terri its not too late, please don't give up.

My mother after 43yrs is only now in the process of tracing her son my brother. She actually made a comment to me last night and said, only for a census coming out a few years back and because it was thrown up in an argument this probably would have went to the grave with her. She said, she kept it a secret for so long and the years just continued to go by that she decided to follow it through.

This saddens me and angers me as a siblings because I am entitled to this information as an adult, I feel many years have been robbed from me and I could have searched long before now but we can't dwell on the past and its now that I'm glad I have this info. My family are so spilt and we grow up in a very negative hostile environment and to be honest my parents can't stand each other so my adopted brother really being very honest it was the right decision and it appears he had a happy stable upbringing.

Terri, I hope you don't give up... my mam is still living in that moment she gave her son up, had him on her own, didn't see him until the final day and that's it, she is caught in a limbo world so I'm glad she is getting counselling a talking about it because it has to be the toughest and hardest decision to make.

Terri, have you any support and people to talk too? Also Terri, now that your son is adopted and he is older and more mature and wiser, would you consider going to the gro in 2, werburgh st. Dublin 2 and searching the Adopted Children's Register, find a copy of his Adopted Cert. and armed with that information then try find out did he marry and if all is successful write a letter?? don't give up, he is older now and more time has passed and if he was adopted it is most likely he had no negative influences and has just got on with his life.

Best of luck, x

Terri Kiernan

Hello RCd
I got his original cert a few years ago I cherish it.long story wrote letters he would not responded except to say he could not afford to go there. My 3 adult children have known about him since teenagers. I never ever wanted to give him up my mother arranged everything in secret. How can I appeal more to him help me to help him see one moment together us all I ask to look into his eyes and know he's ok. I never forgave myself and maybe I could learn to if my precious son showed me he's had love in his life . Thank you so much for your very caring response Iam getting counselling finally after 40 yrs I did try and make a good life for my other children but my first born was always there in spirit with me

Terri Kiernan

Sorry Ramada
I meant to tell you that I have known for years where ny son lives but must respect his privacy he must be the one ti make the call he did not open my last letter that was 8 years ago he asked social worker to instruct me nit to make any further contact he said he never wanted to know me
It's a letter I read now and again and I cry for our loss xxxx

rcdada

Hi Terri,
Oh your story is so so sad and I have tears in my eyes, my heart breaks for you - I can't believe you know where he lives but he has instructed no contact..... this is a difficult situation and as already explained after 43yrs my mother will soon make contact with her son and me and I am so so anxious will she and I be rejected, I just don't know what to expect.

You have been very open with your other children and its great to hear you are getting counselling because I feel you need support and understanding because you did nothing wrong, you were in situation which was out of your control and I can't imagine the pain of having no support and your mother forcing this adoption.

It is sad he has finalised things in his mind and made his decision without giving you one single chance and one single meeting.

I hope you find some kind of peace and acceptance with the current situation but I would let a bit more time pass and possibly try once more and contact the social worker, I hope in time he realises life is too too short and you and everyone are only human and we all make mistakes and sometimes some are out of our control.

Really really hope some day it will all suddenly change for you. x:)

Terri Kiernan

You are indeed a genuine person perhaps my son has being told lies about me as I was. About the people whom adopted him especially telling me they loved his birth name and we're keeping it not true promising photos never happened you can understand why I did not trust them big mistake I made I was so exicited when I found him I sent the last letter to where he worked it was handed into him by a friend he told Sw he never opened it I was so very stupid did not think it through so I can understand I must have shocked him. I made a promise to not make contact again I have to keep it. All I was hoping for was that this was one letter I could be sure he got. I write music and I'm finally going to have it all recorded I hope to send a disc to Sw to give him one piece is called stolen lives dedicated to my. Beautiful son at least he might like some of my pieces and know they were written from a person whom loved him every single day of his life and my eldest daughter promised me if I die she will ring his doorbell and tell him about me and his dad cause I gave her all the information he might need
Just think about a ne. Chapter in your life about ti open. please don't waste time on negative thoughts doubts fears let it happen natural just be yourself and your mother is so lucky no matter what she's trully supported
Have a good weekend you made me feel good about myself I'm working on a new piece I think I will call it healing hearts
May the gods that be watch over you and your mam xxx
Terri

Floating Hippo

Hi Rcdada and Terri
Its funny as a thought struck me while i was reading the conversation between you then. My sister is also adopted although we both have different BM's. We both were brought up in the same house, neighbourhood, school, lifestyle and yet we have always been poles apart. She has always had the attitude that she was abandoned at birth, whereas I always had the attitude that I was chosen at birth! We have both lived our lives very much like this. As friends have told me that this situation can happen in any family, it really is the character of the individual. Its hard for you Terri to know your son is there, but definitely is not there. As you say though, you dont know what he has been told, or indeed the attitude that he has been brought up in. I have decided to research the gro - I have a birth cert with my adopted mum and dad on it, so it never dawned on me that there could be another one? I was adopted at the age of 6 days. Thank you both for taking the time to talk on this forum regarding this. Its odd speaking about it, although I have been open all my life about it, it obviously doesnt 'effect' the people that i speak with and therefore not quite the same. All the best :-)

Terri Kiernan

Hi floating H
Thanks for sharing my son is the 4th child adopted he grew up with 2 older sisters 1 brother all adopted. Perhaps one of them had a bad experience and put him off. My eldest daughter took the rejection very bad since her teens she has longed to meet her brother I can't talk about my eldest son to anyone in my family I think they are feeling guilty for not helping me at a time in life I really needed it. I google and search everyday in the hope I might find someone whom can tell me he's ok. It's very hard to soldier on but I will never ever give up I sneaked out 2 pictures fron the home they sit alongside my 3 other children displayed on my piano when I compose new pieces I look at my son at 3wks old and thank the gods that be I was brave back then cause that's all I ever had to hold on to
I feel life can be cruel but every individual deserves to know whom gave them their life even if they ate angry or sad or grateful life can be better if we each take brave baby steps in exploring whom we trully are scary but so worthwhile
Many thanks
Cheers
Terri

Floating Hippo

Really hope Terri that it does work out for you... or more importantly that you find peace with the situation that you are in. Your son is lucky to have you - even if it is in the background. I would imagine that it actually gives him a sense of relief - knowing that you care. Most adopted kids - as adults - never that.
It was a sign of our times that you are in the situation, but absolutely no reflection on you. Never say never as they say, but your peace of mind now is just as important.
all the best

Terri Kiernan

I will keep hoping I m getting my music rrecorded so I will send disc to soical worker to give him hope it turns ok and he likes it
Cheers
Terri