Long Distance Relationship - How long is too long?

RainBow_xo

Hi guys,

I've been in an ldr with my other half for the past 4 years (both 23). I live here and he lives abroad. Everything is fine between us but I will be starting another course and so will be here for another 4 years, at least! I feel like it's getting too much at this point. I really want more than what we have right now but that is not going to happen if we can't be in the same country. He is willing to continue but I know I will not be happy being in an ldr for 4 more years.

He is a great guy but I don't know whether I can give up another 4 years of my life...especially since I do not know whether he is the one I want to marry. It's hard to know because we have never really been together longer than a week. And us both being students, its hard trying to find the money to book flights to see each other. What do you guys think? Worth sticking with it another four years or just end it now?

Alf. A. Male

You've been doing it for 4 years already and it doesn't appear to have made you happy. I can only imagine that doing the same again will have the same result. There doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel and you have the prospect of repeating the same thing that made you unhappy. For me, that would be a reason to rip off the plaster.

RainBow_xo

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

You've been doing it for 4 years already and it doesn't appear to have made you happy. I can only imagine that doing the same again will have the same result. There doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel and you have the prospect of repeating the same thing that made you unhappy. For me, that would be a reason to rip off the plaster.

Thanks for your reply. It's nice to hear someone else's perspective. When I bring this up, it indirectly turns into an issue of me trying to get what I want. He says he can't force me into it but that I'm not thinking of him. Surely if he wants me to stay with him, he isn't thinking of my happiness? I really can't see any compromise where both of us will be happy!

P. Breathnach

I think you have answered your own question: after four years, you don't know if you would want to marry him. I think it would be a bad idea to put a large part of your life on hold for another four years with such uncertainty hanging over the future.

If your relationship were going anywhere, you would both be exploring arrangements that would allow you both live in the same country. I gather that has not happened, so it might be that neither of you is sufficiently motivated to develop things. Perhaps you are both in a comfortable (and somewhat lazy) rut.

Perhaps I am misreading the tone of your post: I think you are asking us if we think it is okay to finish things. I think it is.

Alf. A. Male

RainBow_xo wrote: »

When I bring this up, it indirectly turns into an issue of me trying to get what I want.

Well I would hope you're trying to get what you want out of a relationship, that's what everybody should do. We all have to accept imperfections, work through bad times, make compromises and consider our partner's feelings, but ultimatley there's a critical point at which that becomes a level of sacrifice that makes you unhappy for too long or with no prospect of future happiness and you're staying in it for the wrong reasons, fear, habit, guilt, someone else's reason or whatever. You can't stay in this situation just because he wants you to if you don't also want to and I think you've passed the point where you now don't want to.
Ask yourself why you'd continue and see if the answer makes you happy.

RainBow_xo

Thanks for your replies guys. Trying to think of reasons to stay together and one main one that keeps cropping up is 'to not cause him any pain'. I know that's not a reason to stay I'd say I do know the answer but a part of me is afraid to tell him that I don't wanna continue...

RainBow_xo

I feel like when we started our ldr we were both very young and I feel now that we are growing apart as regards what we want in a relationship. Every time I think this I feel very bad, but I am very ambitious, I always set goals and try my very best. Whereas he is very relaxed about life and it takes so much pushing before I can get him to do something. I feel if we are going to make a future for ourselves he really needs to sort himself out before I can think of settling down. I know this sounds very stuck-up but I honestly feels like he is too lazy to go for what he wants. He says he wants this or that but he will not do anything to get it. He has been looking for a job for the past 2 years and it was only recently after I told him that he needs to have more responsibility that he finally found a job. It took him one week! He is comfortable to spend his student loans (even though he lives at home) without any prospect of paying them back.

I have found courses for him to do over here but he is not willing to move over. I have tried my best to apply for the course I want to do over there but its just not going to work. We have tried to see each other once a month for the past year. It has worked when it was my turn to pay for tickets but when it is his turn he always has some excuse and then the flight prices increase and so he won't book a ticket for that month. So we can go two months without seeing each other. He is very unreliable. If I start a new course, I will have no extra money to buy tickets (in fact no money at all) and I know I cannot rely on him to pay for flights every month. He assures me he will do it but based on my past experiences with him, I know its not going to happen. I would gladly stay with him and try and work on the relationship but if we can't even see each other often I really don't know if it worth the stress. Writing this has basically answered my question

Alf. A. Male

RainBow_xo wrote: »

Thanks for your replies guys. Trying to think of reasons to stay together and one main one that keeps cropping up is 'to not cause him any pain'. I know that's not a reason to stay I'd say I do know the answer but a part of me is afraid to tell him that I don't wanna continue...

Not reasons to stay and you should be thinking of not causing yourself pain. It's to your credit that you're concerned for him, but he can take care of himself and you need to do what's best for you.

iusedtoknow

LDR should always have an end point in site, with one partner willing to take the leap and move into the unknown, eventually. In my case, it was me, as she still had years to finish her studies, and she happened to live in an amazing city, where it would be possible for me to get work and be happy.

To be honest, and this really isn't a criticism, but neither of you seem that invested, you are taking another 4 year course, and he is not really wanting to move.

Your best bet is to pull off the bandaid and end it, for both your sakes.

Merkin

This is a non starter. Don't waste four more years of your youth on something that is very clearly not going to go somewhere.

Stavro Mueller

The way you're describing this, it sounds more like a mammy trying to prod and cajole her teenage son into doing his homework or tidying his room. This guy sounds like he needs someone to light a fire under him to get him moving and it's quite likely that's the way things will always be. I could be wrong but I get the impression that even if you did end up living together, you'd drive each other mad. You're too different in terms of the way you live your lives. You're the one who's always having to push him and that's going to make both of you resentful. I think looking at what people do rather than what they say they're going to do is a very worthwhile thing to do. Take away what this guy says he wants and you're looking at someone who's in no great hurry to change things.