Feelings for work colleauge + lonliness + history repeating

LegacyUser

A little background about myself. I'm in a late 20s. I don't have many friends and I haven't been in a relationship for a long time. I often feel very lonely and the lack of a partner in my life makes me feel very empty. It has been very difficult meeting people for me.

About 18 months ago, I developed very strong feelings for a work colleague. I had been working with her for about a year and she was always just another person in the office. However, I have a very niche hobby and we discovered that we share the same interests, so naturally our friendship grew and we started meeting outside of work, as friends. However, I quickly developed romantic feelings for her but she was in a long distance relationship so I knew nothing could come of it. It is not an understatement to say that she completely broke my heart. As a result, work became very difficult. It was impossible to get over her when I was just sitting a few meters away. I was seriously considering moving jobs when she announced that she would be leaving the company to go traveling. Although I knew I would miss her a lot (and I still do) it was such a relief because it allowed me to move on. Although I would love if things had turned out differently, I have put it behind me and moved on. That was about 6 months ago.

My problem is that history is repeating itself. I have recently developed feelings for another
person at work. Again, I have known her for about two years but I only recently started chatting to her more casually (in the canteen, etc) and I've found myself really liking her. In one way, I do like the fact that it's not just some physical crush and it is her personality that I'm attracted to. However, I really can't put myself through that heartache at work again because it was absolute torture. On the other hand, I do like her, I would like to get to know her more and it is possible something good might come from it. It is a complete risk, and it is made worse by the fact that I'm a really lonely person. I also know that I can't just go down the friends route with this person because I definitely have romantic feelings for her already.

She mentioned she likes a particular activity, as do I, and I was thinking of asking her to join me sometime. But given everything above, I honestly don't know if it is a good idea. I'd love to spend more time with her and get to know her more, but it is a gamble. I don't know if she currently has a boyfriend. It is also possible that the more I get to know her, the more I realize we wouldn't be compatible and my feelings for her would subside, but I won't know that unless I spend more time with her.

It's funny how this works because I have found myself in this situation through no fault of my own. I certainly didn't want to develop feelings for another work colleague, especially after the heartbreak that happened last year. Unfortunately, we can't choose who we develop feelings for.

So what would you recommend: try to forgot about it and move on or explore the possibility of getting to know her more.

Tokyo

It sounds like you're transposing a lot of your loneliness onto these women in terms of how hard you fall for them, and how quickly your feelings for them seem to grow, apparently completely unbeknownst to the women in question. You stated it best yourself when you said "I often feel very lonely and the lack of a partner in my life makes me feel very empty.", and quite often that level of intensity is a symptom of not really having anybody in your life.

There are quite a lot of threads on here already from the other perspective - a woman that has to deal with a very intense or overly attached man, and it never ends well. And the fact that you say that the first colleague "completely broke my heart" despite the fact that you weren't dating, and now that it would be "absolute torture" should the second girl turn you down - these are pretty intense statements in my opinion, and something that you should be careful of. If nothing else they can be quite intimidating, and a lot of people would run a mile at being on the receiving end of that.

Having said that however - should you take the risk and ask this woman to join you sometime? Why not? You have shared interests, you get along well enough, and if she is already in a relationship then you'll find out pretty quickly. However I also think you need to keep your feelings in check over this first - treat it as a friendship that may develop into more and you can't go far wrong. treat her from day one as the love of your life who will break your heart into a million tiny pieces should things not work out, and you're destined for failure. So rather than approaching it from a romantic angle, why not meet her for a coffee or a drink, or to join you on this particular activity as friends, and see what kind of person she is outside of work first.

Idle Passerby

I agree with the above, you seem to have gotten very overly invested in the first woman. It's not really surprising if you are as lonely as you say. The thoughts of a potential connection with someone probably seem like a ticket out of the loneliness. But realistically, you need to be in a better place yourself before you could offer something to someone else.

Having a girlfriend wont solve your problems. Plenty of people are lonely despite having a partner. It's something you need to address for yourself. Learn to be happy by yourself and then you will be able to get close to someone without the pressure of feeling like it would be devastating if it didn't work out.

In regards the new girl. In general I'd say go for it. But I really think you would do better to build up your self esteem before pursuing someone, and be able to take a more relaxed approach to whatever may come of it.

Soft Falling Rain

Hi op. Firstly, I can really sympathise with your situation. It's also great that you've actually identified your own problem,
that work has become your only outlet to interact with people, and that your loneliness is skewing your feelings towards colleagues.

I would typically be against asking colleagues out as it's not worth the strife that the rejection can cause, and to be frank it sounds like you've already had your fair share of that.

I know that you said that you already have one hobbie, but you need more. The best way to meet people is to throw yourself out there. I know that is a cliche, but speaking from experience, it is absolutely true. You'd be surprised at how entrenched you can become in your own little bubble. The smaller the bubble, the more liklier that you're going to latch onto those who enter it.

Have a look at the volunteer ireland website if you think that kind of thing might be your bag, as volunteering is a deadly way of meeting new people.

Merkin

If you're becoming very attached to girls at work like this I would make the assumption that you don't have a very broad social circle and this is something that you can work on. If you had more tangible connections in your day-to-day life you would probably be less inclined to fall so hard for people you see in the workplace.

I'd also take heed that getting a relationship with someone will not suddenly magic away your problems or feelings of loneliness or anxiety. In fact, in order to have a happy relationship, you need to be in a good place yourself and for that reason I would take some time out to work on YOU. Forget about getting involved with anyone for now. Really put effort into making new friends and experiencing new adventures and in turn this will make you more confident and fulfilled and ultimately more attractive to the opposite sex without being so focused on having a girlfriend as your end goal.