Dealing with friend who choses to be in bad relationship?

LegacyUser

A friend is in a relationship with an nasty piece of work. Their partner is pretty verbally abusive, hyper critical about my friend's body & personality, has a hair-trigger temper and plays unpleasant head games. As a group and individually all her friends have at one stage sat her down and talked to her about their concerns about him and about his treatment of her. We have been very, very open about the issues in their relationship because some of them really have been awful. My friend knows & what her partner is like (even if they would like to blame it on depression) but wants to continue in a relationship with them in preference to being on their own so that's that at the moment. I've been asked to respect my friend's choice, even if I can't support it so I'm in neutral mode about their relationship.

My issue is this, every couple of weeks their partner does something awful. Ruins trips away, says something that drives my friend (who has issues with how they perceive their body to look) into a mad diet and/or gym panic. I'm not sure how to deal with stories about times their partner has been mean to or viciously critical of my friend, especially as the stories tend to start out with 'you won't believe what X said to me' and 2 days later turn into 'I know it was harsh what X said to me, but he meant it for the best, really' or 'I think I really pushed X into it'.

At the moment I'm answering emails or messages as neutrally as I can without pretending that what happens is ok. 'That's really harsh/unpleasant/not true/it's not ok for him to speak to you like that' etc. etc. but it's getting to the point where I don't know what to say to my friend at all. I don't want to ask them not to tell me these things because when it turns really nasty, and it will, I want my friend to be able to talk to me about it. I'm having to bite back a lot of asking my friend wtf they're thinking of doing this to themselves. What do you say to someone who has freely chosen to be in a relationship that's verging on abusive? I'm at a point where I find it hard to even answer calls & emails and I don't particularly want my friend to be even more isolated than she is now.

Morag

You can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink.
All you can do is be there as a life line for her.

Tokyo

what_to_do_now wrote: »

What do you say to someone who has freely chosen to be in a relationship that's verging on abusive?

You've already done it. All you can do in this situation is tell your friend why you don't think that her relationship is healthy, and then the rest is up to her. From here on in, don't enter into discussion about the relationship unless she invites it, and all you can really do fer her other than that is be there for her when it inevitably falls apart. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser

OMG OP, I know the feeling. My best mate of 23 years is the same. Except she is the tyrant in relationships and she's never single, hops in and out of relationships CONSTANTLY since she was 14. I am fed up now.

She gets dumped by every fella she's with because she is a physco, and of course I can see all this from the outside and I have no problem telling her exactly how she is, and why she will never last with someone if she doesnt stop this nutjob behaviour. But no, every few weeks I'll get an "I'm devastated X has left me" text from the latest bloke she snapped up.

Just this week I got that usual text and I've ignored it, could not be bothered. I've said my part I wont say any more.

In your case - I really would not blank your friend, be there for her because the day will come when she really does need you. All you can really do is be there, she will come to her senses.

My case is a little different, I literally cannot deal with anymore denial from my mate and how she treats men - so I don't acknowledge it anymore!

Alf. A. Male

I'd say you have two choices - either keep being a support and hope she sees the light, or next time she brings it up tell her you have done and said all you can for her, but she's not listening so until she helps herself there's no point in her saying anything more. I know you don't want to take the second step, but it might help her to see how it's affecting people around her and start her looking at the door.

Merkin

I had a friend like this and ultimately we ended up falling out and don't speak anymore. I was her shoulder to cry for the endless misdemeanors and sh1t treatment from her douchebag boyfriend and when I called her on it and called him every kind of knob under the sun she simply wasn't happy.

I do think that there is an element of being a drama queen and attention seeking from your friend so in future when she brings up her boyfriend's bad behavior I'd just change the subject and not really engage in any conversation about it.

You don't have to officially make some impassioned statement about their relationship, just stop feeding the troll basically. She's thriving on the drama and being able to breathlessly relay it back to people (regardless of how rubbish he actually IS treating her).

Next time she says 'you won't believe what X said to me', you simply reply "OMG you'll never guess where I got us tickets for' or something else, she'll soon realize you're not giving her the airtime. This may sound harsh but I've been in your shoes and this girl is basically allowing herself to be treated like that, is taking it for granted that she will have a receptive and sympathetic audience but will ultimately do what she chooses anyway, i.e. most probably stay with him.

The girl I spoke about actually married the guy and needless to say I didn't go to the wedding even though I was invited given the fact that they were just so unsuited/he'd such a bad track record. You can still be friends with your friend but I'd nip her need to relay all her relationship woes on you when she clearly has never before listened to any advice you've given.

beks101

I totally agree with Merkin, and I'd go as far as to say that you being a constant ear for your friend is enabling her further in her destructive relationship.

Don't forget that she is fully aware of how badly he treats her - you and your friends have no doubt pointed it out a million and one times - and yet she, as a grown woman, is consciously choosing time and again to stay put and accept it.

That speaks volumes about her and the kind of things that motivate her - aside from the obvious low self esteem it's drama, emotional roller-coasters and attention, albeit negative, that fuels her. Those are the things she needs in her life at this point and you're doing your part by paying any attention or directing any criticism or "OMG"s or even the neutral "I don't think he should treat you like that" feedback - it feeds into it.

I know you're worried about her wellbeing and what not having a constant wall of support to bounce these sh1tty experiences off could do to her. But tbh she's a grown woman and you telling her the things she already knows about this horror of a boyfriend isn't helping her in any way - it's just keeping the cycle of bad treatment - validation going. There does come a point when you have to think about your OWN emotional wellbeing and how it's suffering at the hands of something that is unlikely to change any time soon.