Help with Dementia parent

miss choc

My Mam has been living with me and my husband for a year now. Now and again she get agitated the usual I must go home scenario so we just say yeah bit late now in the morning and it's forgotten about. I found that hard at first as I was always explaining why and how long she was here it just turned into an argument and left me upset so I do it the easy way now. I find putting her to bed is hard my husband needs to be up early in the morning and we put her to bed early but she can easily be upstairs for two hours walking around, pulling out drawers emptying clothes putting things away. I sometimes have to go up at 12.30 to say it's very late and we are trying to sleep she takes offence to that as she doesnt want to be given out to. She says to me if she was in her own house she could do what she wants and not disturb us but I have to explain to her that she can't live on her own because of her condition. Its a vicious circle. She also accuses me of lying when to be honest I think she prefer to think that that think her own short term memory is gone and cant remember what doctors told her. Last night an argument started the same thing put Mam to bed at 9.30 so my and hubby could watch some tv and relax together 12.30 she is still shuffling round in her room opening/closing drawers, making noise etc. My husband will be starting his job earlier next week so he needs a good nights sleep. I went up to her with the mindset of talking calmly to her to go to bed as she and my husband both had to be up early her daycare and his job. Got the sarky comment "I'm better off in my own place I can go to bed when I want the sooner the better I go home" I explained nicely that she was living here with us for a year now because of her condition and politely asked her to maybe go to bed she got in but was not happy. Blaming me for being bossy and ordering her about (not) I explained all the things I do for her and the reason she is living with us to which she did not believe "why wasnt I consulted about this" which she was a year ago. It's like trying to reason with a drunk person no rationale at all. It escapes her logic that she was forgetting appts, medication, falling and it was in her and our best interest to bring her up to Dublin. I am a young carer and dont have immediate family to help out. Any tips or advice on how I can talk logically to Mam the main thing is trying to put her into bed at night once she is in bed she reads at bit and falls asleep straight away but it's just when she is making all the noise in the bedroom it is annoying especially as our room is next door and we need to get to sleep.

sophieali

Hi just see your message and was wondering if your mother has been diagnosed with some form of dementia and if you have spoken to the doctor about how difficult it is to get her to settle down at night?

imme

It is a very difficult thing to get to grips with.

Physically but more so mentally.

Like you say there is no reasoning with a person with dementia.

Reassurance I suppose is something that can 'calm' someone with dementia.

My dad has dementia and was at such a stage that he couldn't be cared for at home, this was for a combination of reasons.

There might be something to assist you in finding some help/advice on http://www.alzheimer.ie/services-support.aspx

miss choc

Yes she has had it the last 4 years she is on medication for it it is slowly progressing ie the memory loss, some accusations (that we are lying or have messed up her room) always talking about past family, death and her money. She was a very independent woman and it is hard for her to have people looking after her as she is adamant she is fine in her own house she keeps thinking she has only been here a few weeks and that she has to get the bus back now. But have just noticed a few more mood changes. I have to be careful at night as I want her to go to bed early but not be making noise for 3 hrs after when we are trying to sleep can get frustrating when we have to be up early to work. I don't want the doctor just to pop sleeping tabs to her as she is on 7 tabs a day for various things I dont want the sleeping tabs making her dopey.

sophieali

My mother had dementia caused by mini strokes so if this is the case with your mother she may be still getting them and might be worth a mention to the dr ....would you consider some respite care for her as it would give you both a break, even a week would be a help

miss choc

Thanks I bring mam to meals on wheels twice a week and she goes to the Alzheimers day centre for the full day on Wed so she gets out 3 days a week I also bring her out for a meal or shopping. We go to the carers support group also once a month which helps

miss choc

Yes meant to say that too the respite is a great help we have 17 days left to take yet so I am going to take full advantage of them even if I dont go on hols with hubby it is a break anyway. Luckily my mother likes it there says it's like a hotel cos they are nice, good food lots to do and meet people and there is mass for her.

SterlingArcher

miss choc wrote: »

Thanks I bring mam to meals on wheels twice a week and she goes to the Alzheimers day centre for the full day on Wed so she gets out 3 days a week I also bring her out for a meal or shopping. We go to the carers support group also once a month which helps

Is there no way you could have a granny flat built? I don't know your living arrangements. And understand even if you had the space to build one, this is a costly undertaking.

But it would mean she would have her space and you and your husband would have your own time at night and sleep better. Could look into a grant for building it.

sophieali

Im glad you have good support in place and can avail of the respite...reading your message brings memories back as we heard the same things...wanting to go home always seemed to be on my mothers mind even though she was at home. You are doing a great job, my two sisters and I shared my moms care and we eventually had to let her go into nursing home. It broke our hearts but when she couldn't sleep at night it just became impossible. She never looked to go home once she went in and was more at ease there.

Jeju

My Dad used to get agitated at night too something like Sundown syndrome where they gain more long term memories ie their youth than short term.
It can become confusing for them as their current settings doesnt match what they are remembering from their long term memory and hence the shifting and looking for stuff.
We had to have a routine with him and keep to it; approach him face to face and talk without using negatives ie "dont open that" or " I cant".

sophieali

maybe a cd of a favourite singer playing low would help her to relax and go to sleep....we had Daniel O Donnell we are forever grateful to him, he was like magic at times! seriously though singing or music can be great to change a mood and make them feel calmer

miss choc

I put her up early tonight 8.45 and we were watching tv downstairs could here the drawers, walking around only stopped now at 11.20 think 8.45/9 is going to be her fixed time from now on. I thought she would have been tired today as she was at the day centre from 9 - 5 oh well she can be different every day hard to tell.

ingalway

I heard a radio programme a few weeks ago, a woman in a very similar position to you recommended a book - Contented Dementia. I got a copy which I'm currently reading and I would definitely say it is worth reading, some really useful information that may help you. I'm not saying it will be a quick fix but it might give you some help to tackle things in different ways.

I hope things get more manageable for you.

http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/Contented-Dementia-Oliver-James/9780091901813

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Contented-Dementia-Wraparound-Lifelong-Well-being/dp/0091901812

miss choc

Well Mam is sleeping contently as we speak when my husband starts early on Monday I am going to try and wake her up earlier some of the days and with the better weather bring her out more it might tire her out so she will sleep earlier. I have booked a weeks respite in May, 5 days in July and still have 9 left till September so have few more days. Funny you should mention living arrangements we are in a two bed so before Mam came up we were taking about moving now that she has and we have no guest room and limited space we need a bigger house. I know it will confuse her again but we need extra room for all her stuff from her big house from home. If we have more space we can put most of her clothes in another bedroom so there will be less clutter and stuff for her to go though. I want to keep her bedroom clutter free to make it easier for her whilst still having old pics/memories on the wall and keepsakes so she does not feel alone in a new bedroom (whenever we get one :rolleyes:)