No interest in small talk

LegacyUser

Probably sounds like a weird issue but anyway i'm a 23 year old guy who is working and have found that I have next to zero interest in small talking with my other work mates. I'm talking about the people who i sit directly near at work (4 other guys). They often talk about this and that, and I just barely never contribute. It's weird, it's like I feel that I only want to talk when there is something worth saying - I don't like to talk for the sake of it. I have been known as a quite shy guy since I was young, and haven't had a friend to see regularly since I was around 17. I got into an LTR at 18 and found small talking very enjoyable with my ex gf (who im now broken up with 2 years). My friendships (more like acquaintances) revolve around drinking at the weekends. Incidentally, as soon as I have a few drinks I have the enthusiasm to talk about anything - but I think part of that is buzzing from the energy that other people bring to the conversation.

I guess im just wondering is this an abnormal personality trait? Is it something I should be striving to fix about myself? There are certain (rare) people I have no problem rambling on to about anything, but none of that kind of person in work. I guess it's annoying knowing I have the label from the other guys in work as "quiet" and possibly "dull" or "uninteresting". I know im not those things, but I guess I cant help but think about other peoples perceptions of me. Also, will this mean I find it next to impossible to make new friends as an adult? Thanks for reading my ramblings and any advice would be appreciated.

JuliusCaesar

Small talk is a way of sounding people out, of finding out a little bit about them from which you may decide to get to know them better - or not. Sometimes the relationship - especially among colleagues stops right there. They don't really want to be more than acquaintances, and neither do you. (But it might not be that they don't want to be friends, but maybe they/you don't have time in their lives for another friend.)

In close relationships, small talk tends to be the kind that you can tell somebody the tiny little bit of information of what you did/thought during the day, that would be too uninteresting to tell anyone else - but that has an impact, no matter how small, on you anyway.

You are not alone. Many people think small talk is boring, trivial, useless. But it serves a function, it acts as social oil to lubricate interactions. If we didn't have the weather to comment on, wouldn't an awful lot of interactions be very cold?

strandroad

You may be an introvert; introverts do not enjoy superficial, broad, conventional contacts, they are looking for fewer but meaningful relations instead.
Read up on introvertism and see how it fits, it's not unusual at all.

Eeden

I'm often like this (I'm much older than you), but I can force myself to interact now, even when I don't feel like it. I'm much more comfortable not having to, though (breathe an inner sigh of relief when I go into the canteen and no one else is there, then get out quickly).

Lots of people are like this. But it's good if you can sometimes make yourself talk to people. I know it's hard, but it is worth it - and a boost to yourself to know you can do it at times. Some day, you may feel the need for interaction and then it will be easier if you have done it in the past.

Rekop dog

I reckon you're over thinking this to be honest. As you said yourself you know you're interesting/ not dull - embrace this and don't feel the need to try be someone you're not. At the same time don't get wrapped up in thinking small talk is superficial/trivial, some people make so much effort in trying to avoid it that it would be actually easier to just relax and join in- like you do when your inhibitions wane when you have a few drinks.

I think worrying about this will only make you more uptight which is the opposite of what you want to achieve here. Make an effort to steer the conversation next day in work towards something you're interested in, you never know, may be pleasantly surprised by responses. Either way try to be less concerned of people's perception of you, nice people will accept you for who you are, the rest aren't worth dwelling over.

ongarboy

Sometimes with small talk, you have to compromise as it often can be an ice breaker that evolves into more indepth or meaningful conversations without having to be profound or life changing. If you refuse to engage in small talk just because you don't like it, you can deny yourself those opportunities to bond with people and have the more indepth and entertaining/interesting conversations.

I don't think anyone really loves asking or answering those typical small talk questions such as "Any holidays planned?" but they can lead to more interesting conversations. ("....Oh, you're going to Fuerteventura?.... I go surfing there once a year!.... You surf too??, so do I!.... I was in Castlegregory last week, the waves were fantastic!!.....)and a conversation both parties are more interested in begins and the small talk/polite/forced element disappears.....

Neyite

Far better to be a good listener in my opinion, and chipping in with the occasional pertinent sentence, than waffling on about nothing all the time.

AmberAmber

i used to be like that , listening about tv shows would drive me nuts, constant asking had a boyfriend and the sad look you get and you be told ah don't worry one day you will find some one or talking about their children oh god !!!! but for me its an age thing too. If you have your own friends and interests well that's ok. every one is different and like what some one else said listening is good too, so if you just smile and nod and just listen and just let them say what ever that's ok too.
I used to be seen as the quiet one cos that's what i did in my job, i just took on that part, while in my home or life out side of work I was wild out and was involved in sports and happy out.
you just got to find common ground maybe or just be the one who gets on with your work and does not partake in idle chat and will benefit from being noticed by the boss as an employee who can get their work done with out distraction.

Adamantium

AmberAmber wrote: »

i used to be like that , listening about tv shows would drive me nuts, constant asking had a boyfriend and the sad look you get and you be told ah don't worry one day you will find some one or talking about their children oh god !!!!

I'm currently in my early 20's and this ****e drives me insane, I'll do anything to curve the conversation to something larger or jokes, or something I read.

To the OP, don't feel bad, I used to feel I was missing out, majority of people's inner lives are terribly boring (speak for myself), that's what freed me. As a narrasisitic, as it can be (now I always think) what can I do to make the smile or liven the conversation. Most people dying to say the thing they want. You probably feel they're nice (99% of people are), nice but boring. They also don't expect anything of you, which is a nice thing.

For me, I'm probably an extrovert and I used to think I was an introvert (Maybe I've been on both sides), in my teenage years, but its nauseating to keep something alive and there's a certain expectation on you in a sense.

You're maybe not introverted, more disinterested. That's what 90% of canteens are like around the country.

I bet when you do hold conversation, it's of a infinitely greater quality/content wise/well spoken than the average, than when you try to force it! And people will leaning in to hear it!

I'm actually far more interested in what introverts have to say when they do drop those words of wisdom, their humour is often wry, dry, droll and directly on point.

Your comment on rare people, that you ramble to, was identical to the problem that I too had in secondary school (Because a large majority were all bunch of well...gob****es)

It was a wonderful relief to have this quietly confirmed by those rare people, that sense of " I have this sense those few people, that so and so is"

It's ok to think that they're boring, their perception of you is irrelevant because, well, they're boring. Its not some sort of festering thing, its a silent gentle knowing in your heart, people will say you can't think that, well here's what you can. Don't deny what you know is true.
Give your own thoughts some weight in gold.

Still try new things if you can.

I'm rambling anyway