Birth mother has made contact, help!

Badirene

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rcdada

It must be quite severe your reasons for not giving your mother a chance? would you not let her maybe answer any of your concerns? there are two sides to every story.....

My mother and I are trying now to search for her son my brother and I really hope that either one of us of confronted with a negative response as I certainly have done nothing wrong and my mother for her personal reasons choose to make that decision.

You may have your reasons but if you've never met her before then how can you come to your conclusion without hearing her side? Life's too too short unless she is a really bad person then yes stay away mother or no mother but take time to think... she is obviously desperate to reconnect. Your relative will have to be honest then and explain directly your wishes.

The_Conductor

Badirene - I've thought long and hard over the last day about how to respond to your message.

I'm a little older than you are- and have been on the other side of the fence- aka, an adopted person seeking contact with their birthmum, and the birthmum wanting to limit contact to an absolute minimum.

There isn't a right and a wrong- you feel the way you do- and its equally as valid as the way your birthmum feels. You should try to respect each other however- while ensuring you're not doing anything you fundamentally disagree with. In your case- if you are not willing to budge- you do not want to meet your birthmum- as a gesture you could put together a small album for her- of photos as you were growing up- and write her a little note explaining your feelings and your reason for not wanting contact from her, is as polite and gentle a fashion as you can- so as to try not to be deliberately hurtful.

It is a tightrope- no matter what you do- and I'd also suggest you do a little social research into Ireland of the 1970s before casting judgement- regardless of what you're doing- she is a human being- albeit one who you don't want contact with- but a little kindness shown- even if you have no intention of ever meeting with her- might mean a world to her.

You have to do what is right for you- but at the same time- showing a little humanity towards her- even if you have no intention of any further interaction- may make a world of a difference to her.

rcdada

I agree the_conductor.... its a very fine line.

I am only starting my journey in trying to find my brother, my mother adopted him in 1971 and she has been heartbroken ever since and although she decided to stay with my father (also, my adopted brother's father) their relationship really suffered since with the adoption being thrown up in arguments and ultimately, we grew up in a very hostile environment.

My mother is currently starting her process, counselling first as the 1970's were such different times for unmarried mothers and a lot of shame attached etc... I really really hope when we find my brother that he will be non judgmental and open with a positive reaction. I can honestly say on behalf of my mother, she misses him so much and now being in her sixties and realising there has been a void in her life ... I hope it all works out for her and us.

Please op realise without knowing your situation, it had to have being the most difficult thing to do for your mother and we are in no position to judge why she felt at that time adoption was the best option. Don't rush, think about things clearly, you have your reasons but to what extent are the valid, true and enough to walk away without giving her the opportunity to explain. Hope things work out for you.