Getting over ex

LegacyUser

My girlfriend recently broke up with me. It ended amicably enough, although I think she lost feelings for me whereas I'm still crazy about her. So it didn't really end well for me.

I've decided to break all contact with her, to try and forget about her. Is this the right thing to do? Anytime I think of her it just makes me feel awful, so I think avoiding her is the best way to go. She wants to remain friends, but I don't know if I can do that.

And how do I stop thinking about her when going about my day? Every free thought I have, I immediately think of her. And I seem to keep associating every little thing with when we were together. For instance, we used to go to a particular restaurant, so I can't imagine going back without thinking of her and being miserable. I don't know how long I can keep avoiding things that remind me of her because nearly everything does.

How do I stop thinking of her, and more importantly, get over her?

RevRun

As you said, Cut all contact till youre over her. Delete her from facebook, the lot. If when your feeling better you think you can be friends then contact her

_dublinlad_

First off, yes it is 100% the right thing to do by cutting contact. Let her know in a very polite and clear way that you no longer want to remain in any form of contact. Don't make any grand statements or be melodramatic about it, just tell her like it is, you need space to move on.

Secondly, come to terms with the fact that there is no easy way to stop thinking about her or get over her. You need to allow yourself a grieving period, were you allow yourself to fully connect with this loss and reflect on it. Then, pick yourself up and get on with life.

As much as it doesn't help to hear right now, time is the only true healer here. However, you can certainly do things to speed up the recovery and direct your thoughts and energy into more productive things. Use this period of your life to better yourself. Whatever that may be for you. Personally, when I was in your shoes a few years back I used it as a time to go back to learning the guitar and I took up running. Both things took my mind of the situation greatly and I channelled otherwise useless emotions into productive and positive things in my life that have stayed with me to this day.

Trust me dude, you will look back on her in not so long from now with a rye smile on your face as you will be on to bigger and better things. All the best.

jigglypuffstuff

OP im almost 2 weeks into a break up which niether of us wanted or expected,

Take my advice on this one

Dont contact her!!!!

time is the one thing that heals all wounds

also i know exactly what you are going through atm, fortunatley ive come to realise that my ex was not good enough for me ( confirmed by family and all my friends) in the sense that I did more for her than she ever did for me and that this will be her regret not mine (I ended it) .

If you truly want to get over her I suggest the following which i find helps. Focus on what was bad about the relationship, dont make them into some icon. My mind often drifts like that but i soon remember my friends telling me ( both very attractive women) that they would kill for a boyfriend who went to the lengths i did ( one then asked me on a date afterwards) . remember theres millions of people out there, do you really think that you wont find another??

Finally and most important allow time to heal this, I spoke to my ex everyday for a year, we laughed, cryed, joked, ate, slept, had sex and pretty much were best friends for 10 months, inseparable to be honest. 10 days ago that stopped. when someone so close to you is gone all of a sudden it does hurt bad, but just as you got used to them being there, you will get used to them not being there, call your friends, go to the gym do things you never did. Keep your mind occupied and remember every cloud has a silver lining. Ive used my opportunity to decide im going to travel to vancouver ( we had plans to move in and i was doing a postgrad to get a better job) Every time a door closes a window opens, Dont be afraid to look out it, and if you are curious enough, climb out it!!!

I know the feeling i promise it gets better!

Tokyo

pone2012 - as per our forum charter, requesting PM's from the OP is against forum policy. Please take a read of the forum rules before posting again.

Regards,
Mike

Sleepless and Manic

excommunucate wrote: »

How do I stop thinking of her, and more importantly, get over her?

Sorry.

Feels like sh*t alright. Everyone's different, but for me... it takes about six months. Its takes about two months just to stop thinking about her every waking moment.

Eugh.

Why do we do it huh?

jigglypuffstuff

mike_ie wrote: »

pone2012 - as per our forum charter, requesting PM's from the OP is against forum policy. Please take a read of the forum rules before posting again.

Regards,
Mike

Apoligies Mike didnt realise it was against forum policy, after reading the rules i understand why, thanks for the heads up:)

LegacyUser

But how do you handle things that remind you of her? Should I avoid them? Face them and try to not think about her?

For instance, my mates want to go to Galway for a weekend trip. Problem is that I went with my ex loads of times so now I associate it with her. I'm thinking I shouldn't go until I am over her. Is that the right thing to do?

Pippy1976

My ex's mother met me in a cafe a few weeks after we broke up. I got extremely upset but I was so glad I'd met her as she gave me some advice which I've brought through my whole life:

Don't go to places you associate with your ex. Don't go to the same restaurants, don't go to the same park, don't do ANYTHING that you both used to do together...

...at least for a while. Until you are comfortable being in this world without her all of the associations will conjure up sad thoughts. Try new things, go to new places and stop, like I was doing, going to the same cafe that myself and my ex used to frequent.
Hurts too much.

such is life 2

was in your boat only two months ago mate, keep the mind active and do something you enjoy,meet with friends is my advice, it hurts like hell im still not quiet there but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I deleted from phone, f/b.twitter,photos the whole lot even got rid of the clothes she gave me, mind u mine didnt end amicably but feel all the better now, funny thing is she wants me back and likes what ive become because shed see me out sometimes and trust me lad theres no better feeling than saying "you know what...no thanks , you broke it off with me and im doing great"

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex about 7/8 months ago. Still think of her everyday. I miss her very bad. The breakup was extremely messy and she blamed me for everything. I got texts from her every 2 months venting at me which really hurt. It was a good relationship but the situation we found ourselves in meant it was never going to last.

If I have any advice mine would be to find somebody you can talk to. Sometime things get on your mind and eat at you for whatever reason. It can be good to have somebody that will put it all in perspective and help you see the wood from the trees.

You will hurt bad and you just got to let the emotion run its course. Have your crap days and let yourself get down.

Realise things didn't work for a reason. But at the same time respect your ex, you were also together for a reason. Don't bad mouth them too much - it'll only make you feel worse about it all.

Do what works for you. If you need to distract yourself on POF, Tinder, going to gym, having a beer with friend/colleague - just do it.

As others have said with time emotions around a particular event ease as we process the changes and see the good in the different situation we find ourselves in.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

It actually takes a lot of work to get over someone. I got out of a relationship for the third time two and a half months ago (which ended so badly) and I'm telling you, time and keeping busy will work wonders.

First of all cut contact, don't reply to phonecalls, texts etc Delete her from FB and do not keep tabs on her social media, this will only prolong things for you. Maybe tell her first this is what you need to do to get on with your life, if she is a good person she will respect your decision.

Then allow yourself a short period of time to wallow, cry, shout at the walls, punch cushions, howl at the moon. Then pick yourself up!! Get busy doing things that make you happy, or take up new hobbies - be active! Go out with friends even if you don't feel like it - fake it til you make it! Get in contact with friends you may have neglected. Don't use other women to get over her - this will only make things worse. Wait until it no longer hurts.

You WILL stop thinking about her as much and eventually her memory will fade.

I've been through it and I won't lie it's so tough, it is a bereavement, but hopefully you have good friends that will help you through this.

@ stillhurting - your post made me so sad too! You still think of her everyday and it's been 7/8 months. Are you sure ye were not meant to be together?!

LegacyUser

I appreciate all the advice.

I wish I didn't have to deal with all this, especially now. I have a lot of things going on right now, both in work and my personal life. I could have really done with her by me, helping me along the way. Her timing was awful. How do I prevent this breakup from affecting other parts of my life? I know you say to keep busy, but I even found myself today, in the middle of a meeting at work, day dreaming in and out thinking of her.

And do you really mean to forget about her entirely? I mean, I had so many good memories. They seem tarnished now and get depressed when I think of how much we enjoyed that time together and I wonder how we went from that to this. But to forget a good chunk of my life, it feels wrong, not to mention very difficult.

LegacyUser

Part of getting over someone, and the reason it takes time, is that you have to come to the realisation that they no longer want to be in a relationship with you. Therefore, there is no "relationship" left. I know it's hard, but the sooner you realise this, the better. You don't have to be bitter about it, although it can be difficult not to be.

Sadly, this sometimes means arriving at the idea that what might be a happy memory for you isn't necessarily a happy memory for your ex. How you remember your relationship might be quite different for your ex - obviously, at some point, they started thinking about breaking up with you, and you didn't know that at the time, and still thought everything was OK.

I'm sorry if I sound negative. I've been through this twice. The first time was worse because I kept thinking I could get him back or talk him into staying with me by remembering the "good times". The second time, despite it being a much, much longer relationship, I realised that as soon as one of us wanted out, it was over and though it was sad, there was no salvaging the situation.

Sleepless and Manic

Yes, you're not going to forget her. I think when people say "forget about her" they actually mean "stop going on and on about her all the time".
Ridding ones mind of someone you love is just a hellish task. Because you cant really, the wound will heal but the scar will always be there. You get used to the hole in your heart, it doesnt close up though.

You just adjust to a place where you can look back with some fond memories instead of having panic attacks when you think about her. That'll happen in time. 6 months? a year?

RevRun

ya tbh ill never forget my first love and it does leave a scar but you have no choice but to move on-life is tough