32 and sort of lonely

LegacyUser

When I was young I had a dominating father and my overprotective mother enabled him with her "anything for a quiet life" mentality. Lived in the country. Add to that my sister constantly criticised me and I believed all this criticism was justified, and my brother also bullied me. My unhappiest years were probably aged 18 to 27.

I really wanted to be on my own, and spend a lot of my time distancing myself from people. however, found it hard to break away from that family quagmire.

Now, I'm older, have a decent job, and could be alone the whole time if I wanted. Actually, even when buying my house i bought a small house, just for one, with a small mortgage so I could live on my own and everyone else could **** off. That was my thinking at the time. that family just caused so much trouble for me at one stage, I felt they were like vultures, they ruined holidays on me and jobs and just caused me so many problems by interfering with my life, even when I lived in another city. But all that's behind me, and I'm thinking I didn't really want to be on my own after all.

I'm 32 now. The past couple of years I've been making a serious effort to live a better lifestyle. I treat my friends well, because I know how important it is to have good friends. I don't look at porn. I started exercising and getting a few hobbies which keeps me busy.

Another aspect, aged 16 I started using gay chatrooms on the net, just for company really. By the time I was 19 basically accepted I was gay and got interested in guys my age. Wasn't til I was 25 that I had any actual relationships, and they were fairly short. Looked good to people on the outside, but for me, meh, I was just ticking a box. People coached me to come out, and start dating, and I thought I was doing things right.

The thing is, my sex drive was always poor, and my love life is now non-existent. I find gay sex acts not only no longer interesting, but really unappetising. I never met a gay man I wanted a relationship with, and obviously straight guys are off the menu. To be honest, I'm not even attracted to straight guys apart from after a few drinks when a voice in my head says "isn't he nice, doesn't he have it together, wouldn't he be a good boyfriend". Recently, a few guys have asked me am I actually gay, or why I haven't been dating. I just usually say I had a few bad experiences, or I'm trying to concentrate on other things, but it's not true. The real reason is I just don't have any interest.

The decrease in interest in men doesn't make me not gay. I still have zero interest in women. I never found women attractive, and in many ways never trusted women or tried to have female friends. It's not an avenue worth exploring, I just don't like girls.

OK, that's the background. Now the issue. It's Sunday evening, and here I am wondering why I'm feeling a bit lonely!

My grandparents were separated and lived apart for over 30 years and never remarried, and I know both of them were fairly lonely in the end despite having friends and children/brothers/sisters. An uncle of mine (now deceased), well he was a bachelor and didn't seem lonely but nonetheless died alone. Most of my friends haven't coupled up yet, and of the ones who have, we're still friends. But in some ways I feel I'm being left behind, and I don't see things getting easier. I do want a normal life. I'm outgoing, and honest, any witty, and social in many ways. I'm not a selfish guy, and I no doubt have trust and self-esteem issues- but even if I didn't, is it going to make me want a partner?

Not sure what I need. Some advice maybe, especially from someone who maybe had a similar experience (if such people exist).

Obliq

Hi OP - I am female, 42 with kids and in a relationship, so I'm afraid I've no similar issues except that I have experienced loneliness too. I'm thinking you've answered many of your own questions, such as highlighting how you have strived to keep emotional vampires out of your life (your father and siblings) and also that you treat your friends well, knowing the value of friendship in your life. The key to changing your present circumstances is in there somewhere, if change is what you want.

You do have friends though....does that mean you are more lonely for the kind of emotional intimacy that you could have in a relationship, more than a bunch more friends who will be there for you for life (if they're good ones)? It strikes me that because you talked a lot about how the notion of sexual attraction is an issue for you now, that the question of whether you can *ahem* have your cake and eat it is actually what you're wondering? I mean, can you have a close and intimate relationship, given that you are not feeling sexual at the moment.

For what it's worth, I'd say you can and I'd imagine that you could have valuable and life-changing relationships without the sex, but if your present lack of libido/attraction to either sex is feeling like a problem for you then I'd advise you go and see a counsellor. Couldn't hurt to talk it over with someone to try and find out why you are so turned off from sex emotionally? Of course, if you haven't an issue with not being physically attracted to anybody, then go for specifically dating for companionship and see what happens maybe....