Wife testing me

LegacyUser

My wife for the second week in a row has tested me. We get up this morning to have a lazy day, both still in our PJ's. In early afternoon she gets up to have a bath and do some 'girly things'. I stay in the sitting room and start studying. I just leave her at it! She comes down an hour later and comes into the room and asked me what did she do? ... She's still in her PJ's and her skin looks a bit red on her face as if she's been bursting spots... I'm struggling to see what she did??? She had a bath and she's wearing different PJ's now, only showing her face and hands. I couldn’t give her an answer and now she's pi$$ed off saying she's not going to bother looking nice for me anymore, whats the point and she'll get the attention elsewhere. Its not nice to hear her say that in this way, she's not having a laugh. We said we're not to play mind games with each other but it feels like this is exactly what she's doing. This happened last week in a very similar way. She goes off, does 'girly things', comes down looking similar if not the same to what she left the room and then asks me what did she do or whats to notice about her thats different.. i get it wrong and struggle to get it right and then she's annoyed, and the worst thing is she doesn't tell me so I can learn.. Now she's doing the silent treatment not talking to me even with me trying to talk to understand the issue.... great!

IlmoNT4

All of that behavior sounds a little passive aggressive and reactive both in the guessing game and then not talking about whats troubling her....

Whens shes talking to you again, best to have a sit down and a chat about whats really going on for her. It could be anything from not feeling secure to just wanting some attention from you that shes not able to ask for. I'd suggest that if she wants some nice attention from you and that is the issue then put some time aside every week and maybe take a bath together or whatever that nice time together is for you both.

For me, going off to do girly things and then expecting a compliment followed by a tantrum sounds like shes feeling insecure and is looking for some validation from you.... You'll need to open up to her about how this situation makes you feel, and then invite her to share whats really going on... try and explain how you feel and that you are open and there for her in a supportive way..because something is really eating at her...create a neutral space to have a chat once everyone has calmed down, give her a heads up that you would like to put some time this week aside to talk about it and see what she says.

Jenneke87

Your wife sounds a bit immature IMHO. I think the post above has a point and she's feeling insecure or wants to know that you still find her attractive, but the way she's going about it is childish. Either have a talk with her or say outright you don't appreciate this kind of behaviour and stop playing this guessing games with you.

Is your wife 14? Demanding you notice tiny differences and threatening to look for attention elsewhere is really bratty.

Tell her that you see her as a whole person and small differences in details that she sees will be less than obvious to you.

strandroad

Do you normally notice when she's looking nice/different? Do you compliment her on that?

sopretty

Frustrated_lad1 wrote: »

She's still in her PJ's and her skin looks a bit red on her face as if she's been bursting spots... I'm struggling to see what she did???

Please tell me you didn't ask her whether she had been bursting spots? :eek:

Grimothy Dalton

Tell her that yes she does look different - completely different to the woman you married!

Tell her you hadn't realised you were marrying an attention seeking child!

Ah no srsly though OP. She probably is feeling a bit insecure and needs some reassurance from you that you still find her attractive. I'm a woman and no matter how often my partner tells me I'm beautiful, I still feel awful about myself most of the time.

She's going about it the wrong way though. I could dye my hair pink and my partner wouldn't notice. He genuinely seems to think I look the exact same (if not better) without make up as I do with it and he probably doesn't even know what colour my eyes are. I think it's a fundamental difference between men and women.

Men don't seem to fret over silly things like this. If my partner shaved and wore a new shirt and I didn't say anything he wouldn't give a f*ck. Whereas if I dyed my hair and wore a new dress and his jaw didn't hit the floor I'd be in tears (and he'd be in trouble for hours!).

Stupid but that's how women operate in my opinion.

strobe

It sound like she's feeling pretty insecure all right. So maybe have a think and see if you could give her a bit more reassurance in terms of letting her know you still think she's hot (presuming you do).

But her being insecure doesn't excuse her acting like a spoilt brat. So if she continues with this kind of nonsense, testing you and then throwing a huff and being passive aggressive when you 'fail' I really think you need to nip that in the bud and give her a bit of a reality check. Be straight with her and let her know its not how an adult is supposed to behave towards someone they love in a relationship and its not appreciated and won't be pandered to.

Grimothy Dalton

Grimothy Dalton wrote: »

Men don't seem to fret over silly things like this. If my partner shaved and wore a new shirt and I didn't say anything he wouldn't give a f*ck. Whereas if I dyed my hair and wore a new dress and his jaw didn't hit the floor I'd be in tears (and he'd be in trouble for hours!).

Stupid but that's how women operate in my opinion.

No, it's how some of them do, but not all. Someone not knowing if I'm wearing a new dress isn't worthy of tears or having a strop for hours.

OP, your wife sounds very high maintenance but that's probably nothing new for you to hear. Is she very young? She sounds very insecure and needy.

I'd be inclined not to pander to childish demands for attention, it seems to escalate - in my observation - and it's hard to respect an adult who wants to be pampered like a child all the time (we all do sometimes though).

Just tell her you love her, you might not notice how tight her pores are or if her hair is two shades darker, but you love her. Tell her it's a sign of how much you love her as a person that her appearance is secondary to all the other good things about her, and if she's still having tantrums because you didn't notice her nail polish or whatever, tell her to grow up.

hoodwinked

Op you said this is the second time it's happened, and the fact you also say "we both agreed not to play mind games"

makes me think she needs to grow up a bit, we all get insecure at times, but most of us are grown up enough to realise we need to sort out these insecurities and they are on us not our partners/family/friends.


and the fact she is threatening to get the attention elsewhere doesn't sit right with me, i would never threaten my husband never mind saying "i'll go elsewhere" it just feels like she is playing mind games either way maybe its just me but that does not seem like a healthy relationship to have,

i would sit her down if i were you and try to talk to her about this in a serious manner, you shouldn't have to parent your wife or put up with her giving you the silent treatment over what is effectively nothing. if that doesn't work maybe you should look into couples counseling.

Czarcasm

Frustrated_lad1 wrote: »

My wife for the second week in a row has tested me. We get up this morning to have a lazy day, both still in our PJ's. In early afternoon she gets up to have a bath and do some 'girly things'. I stay in the sitting room and start studying. I just leave her at it! She comes down an hour later and comes into the room and asked me what did she do? ... She's still in her PJ's and her skin looks a bit red on her face as if she's been bursting spots... I'm struggling to see what she did??? She had a bath and she's wearing different PJ's now, only showing her face and hands. I couldn’t give her an answer and now she's pi$$ed off saying she's not going to bother looking nice for me anymore, whats the point and she'll get the attention elsewhere. Its not nice to hear her say that in this way, she's not having a laugh. We said we're not to play mind games with each other but it feels like this is exactly what she's doing. This happened last week in a very similar way. She goes off, does 'girly things', comes down looking similar if not the same to what she left the room and then asks me what did she do or whats to notice about her thats different.. i get it wrong and struggle to get it right and then she's annoyed, and the worst thing is she doesn't tell me so I can learn.. Now she's doing the silent treatment not talking to me even with me trying to talk to understand the issue.... great!

OP I may be reading the situation wrong, but you really don't give a lot of context for your post, which is why I'm left wondering where that comment came from or what the reasons for having that talk were?

Your own post actually comes across like a stroppy teenager tbh, and I'm reading it like a 15 year old who knows well why his girlfriend would be upset, but chooses to ignore it and pretend "I've got bigger things to think about" (even your username - "frustrated lad"? You're a grown man, an adult!). Would it really be that much of an effort for you to compliment your wife when she makes an effort? I don't honestly believe you're that indifferent that you can describe your observation of your wife as being flushed, yet couldn't notice she was trying to look attractive for you.

For sure there are important things to think about and prioritize, but concentrating on those at the expense of leaving your wife feeling neglected might indeed be every reason for her to tell you that she will seek attention elsewhere. It isn't the most mature way to deal with the issue, but I can understand where her frustration is coming from.

There's two of you in this relationship, and both of you are required to make an effort, rather than you adopting the role of the hen-pecked husband married to an overbearing attention seeker. I'd suggest you both need to do some re-assessment of your priorities, and your relationship, because I doubt this current triviality is as shallow as you're making out, but rather that it's a symptom of much deeper tension and unrest in your relationship.

endacl

Play her game OP. If she wants to be childish, maybe you should meet her with childishness? When she leaves to do 'girly stuff', ask her to pose for a photo on your phone so you can do a quick compare and contrast when she returns. Just so you don't miss any important details, you can tell her.

Tramps Like Us

Next time she does this ask her if she has put on weight


Seriously though this is just childish, try and have a conversation about it or at least refuse to engage in it the next time she tries

czechlin

Well this whole situation is a bit childish IMO. At least from the little bit you tell us. However, your wife sounds like she might be feeling quite insecure and I think a nice chat about it wouldn't do any harm. I hate mind games myself, but I'm wondering do you give her enough attention, show her a bit of affection? Compliment her on how she looks etc. Because those are not mind games, those are just things partners would say to each other regularly.

desbrook

I wish other posters would stop using the word childish to describe the wifes behaviour . If the genders were reversed and a husband was testing his wife like this I think posters would rightly recognise how damaging and corrosive this behaviour is.
Over time OP this behaviour will affect your confidence - it may have already. I was you for many years. Being told on a daily basis how useless I was. On occasions even others were told, even complete strangers, all in my presence. If this sounds familiar OP don't put up with it. Life is too short.

czechlin

desbrook wrote: »

I wish other posters would stop using the word childish to describe the wifes behaviour . If the genders were reversed and a husband was testing his wife like this I think posters would rightly recognise how damaging and corrosive this behaviour is.
Over time OP this behaviour will affect your confidence - it may have already. I was you for many years. Being told on a daily basis how useless I was. On occasions even others were told, even complete strangers, all in my presence. If this sounds familiar OP don't put up with it. Life is too short.

I can see your point and I'm sorry to hear about your experience.
If the wife's behaviour won't change, it could escalate into what you are describing, but at the moment it looks like a fairly fresh issue. Which I think (and this is my opinion only, I'm not speaking for other posters) could be resolved by a chat. If both parties won't be stubborn and actually willing to talk.
I wonder how old they are.