Depressed partner; not seeking the usual advice

LegacyUser

Hi there

As title says, have a depressed partner. Not looking for the typical 'what should I do' advice.

I know what to do. I handle his depression very well as I suffered from it myself and know how he feels.

In fact, I sometimes think I understand his depression better than he does himself.

He is not confined to his bed and generally gets on well, but he gets bouts of depression an he gets very down and upset during these times.

Over time we have discussed what I can do best for him as a partner when he is going through these times. We have established that he will sometimes want to just talk and not want me to try and counsel him, which I have been guilty of in the past.

I initially found it very hard just listening and not inputting anything, but it is what he wants and he seems happier knowing that he can open up and discuss his problems without the fear of having to delve too deep into them.

However, during these times when he is down, I find it so upsetting to see him so down. His issues are work related. He hates his job, but feels trapped in it as he would have to go back to college to retrain for anything decent. I have told him I wouldn't care if he worked as a cleaner or whatever (I genuinely wouldn't) We rent an have cars, that is the extent of our financial woes, but he is worried about the future.

I find myself getting upset seeing him this way, probably because in the back of my mind I worry about him being this upset for the rest of our lives unless he does take a cleaning job. These bouts of depression happen about 5 times per year and can last from 3-7 days at a time.

What I'm asking for advice on is this - when he gets upset I find it very hard not to get upset too, and he doesn't handle that very well. He gets very guilty and it makes him even sadder to see that he is depressing me. What should I do in this situation? Try to hide my sadness? He doesn't seem to have thought that this could be having any effect on me mentally. Not out of selfishness, just because he is so down.

Is it better for him to see that this affects me too or should I put on a brave face in front of him and maybe start seeing my own counsellor again.

Ps, I know he needs counselling but I can't and won't force him to go. I often talk to him about how much it benefitted me and I jus hope he will take that step soon.

Sory for long post, hard to condense these things!

OzMister

Hey there,

I think honesty is the best policy always. I had this discussion on a similar post recently, everything your partner is doing I did to my own girlfriend. I knew myself what I was doing was wrong, but once I got in to that depressive zone I found it impossible to get out of it and I got completely wrapped up in myself, and imm sure you can probably see the resemblance with you boy friend. The only thing that made me become aware of how this depressive period which was also work related, was seeing my girlfriend break down and cry. She poured her guts outs the same way you just did on your post. I believe nothin will change for you unless you sit down and talk to your partner about how this is effecting you. Most important pick your moment, when ye are both in good form and in a position to talk calmly. I hope this helps and best of luck.